lance.dark Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 So a guy you've seen a few but long times (he's stayed the night with no sex but lots of kissing) sends you a text after you say you can't go out because you're too hung over that he thinks the two of you are done and next time you ought to just say no rather than lead him on. You think he's cute; he went to a good school and is athletic. He seems to like you but neither of you has texted the other a lot and you have not asked him out. The evening after he texts you, he calls to apologize. He says that he wants to see you more, but if you are not interested in it eventually becoming serious he wants to end it. He offers to take you to do something a bit expensive and he doesn't like but he knows you love doing it to prove that he is,in fact, interested and sorry. He was drunk and thought that you just were blowing him off when you know that he only has limited time to spend with you. You say you need some time to think it over because you're furious. Background: he's leaving for in a little over a month and might not be back for six months or more(he could visit occasionally though) so he wants a solid foundation if it's going to be an LDR or he would rather it just end. What would you be thinking about and would you respond if you weren't interested?
Ruby Slippers Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I would think it's a lot of drama for a guy I've only gone on a few dates with. I would find it odd that he's bringing up the idea of "getting serious" when we've only gone on a few dates. I would also find it weird that he's offering to do something he doesn't enjoy, but I do, as some weird kind of penance. On top of these things, given that he's moving soon, I would be inclined to let it go.
Author lance.dark Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 And would you leave him hanging or would you just text him a no?
Ruby Slippers Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Not sure if I would be so lazy as to only text, but yes, I would probably decline the invitation.
Author lance.dark Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 Well first of all, I'm the dude. Not that I'm trying to defend myself, since I realize I did something pretty stupid, but I don't want to waste my time on a casual thing that's just going to end. Some girls aren't interested in serious relationships, and I just wanted to make sure she was open to the possibility. Normally I would have just let things go at the pace they were going and I never would have brought up the "serious" discussion, but I work a LOT. I don't have time to be messing around with games. Either I want to spend time getting to know her or, if she's not that interested, I just want to spend my time here doing other things. Casual dating is not for me right now. I date for a purpose. Is that out of line? I didn't think it was, but maybe I'm just being unreasonable.
Rose T Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 (edited) Casual dating is not for me right now. I date for a purpose. Is that out of line? I didn't think it was, but maybe I'm just being unreasonable. I do understand that you're looking for something long term - who isn't - but don't forget that casual dating turns into something serious not because it gets intense, confrontational and demands answers, but because it's so enjoyable that neither party wants to relinquish on the next date. In the initial stages the whole thing requires patience and you're right to ask for respect and good communication, but don't underestimate the power of sheer joy and enthusiasm when you first start dating someone. That's the unbreakable bond at the start of a good relationship which will give it a chance to blossom. My advice would be to steer clear of ultimata, avoid expressing your frustration and give the girl a break if she doesn't reply immediately this time. She's probably mulling things over. Wait a week and try again when the air has been cleared. Try and keep things light! This is supposed to be the fun part Edited July 14, 2011 by Rose T
grkBoy Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 So a guy you've seen a few but long times (he's stayed the night with no sex but lots of kissing) sends you a text after you say you can't go out because you're too hung over that he thinks the two of you are done and next time you ought to just say no rather than lead him on. You think he's cute; he went to a good school and is athletic. He seems to like you but neither of you has texted the other a lot and you have not asked him out. The evening after he texts you, he calls to apologize. He says that he wants to see you more, but if you are not interested in it eventually becoming serious he wants to end it. He offers to take you to do something a bit expensive and he doesn't like but he knows you love doing it to prove that he is,in fact, interested and sorry. He was drunk and thought that you just were blowing him off when you know that he only has limited time to spend with you. You say you need some time to think it over because you're furious. Background: he's leaving for in a little over a month and might not be back for six months or more(he could visit occasionally though) so he wants a solid foundation if it's going to be an LDR or he would rather it just end. What would you be thinking about and would you respond if you weren't interested? I say forget the texts. Just call and put it all out on the table. Tell how you feel and why you think this won't work. Wish him the best and move on. People keep pussyfooting and especially trying to convince others "it can work". Just tell the truth, be logical, cut ties if need be, and move on.
Author lance.dark Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 Yeahh I know it is supposed to be fun and it is when we are together but she is not all over me like others have been so I am just wondering if she's interested. I dont think Ill contact her again unless she contacts me. Ive also been a bit insecure because I am falling for her faster than usual.
sm1tten Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 If I were the girl, I'd feel both rushed and put off by you, and this is coming from someone who realised fairly early on that casual dating was not for her. You already apologised and laid your cards on the table; give her a couple days. If she's not interested she probably won't respond.
Author lance.dark Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 So I got an incredibly cold text from her saying she got a new job and doesn't have time (kind of ironic since I told her I didn't want to waste my time on something that wouldn't happen). A little out of character for her since she is normally very bubbly. I replied pretty politely, saying to take care of herself and have a good year. She responded with a cold "good luck." I'd been thinking over why I reacted so badly to her being hungover. I figured out that it was because I was starting to really like her and did not want to be in a situation where she's not that interested but I am. Heartbreaker. I've been in that situation before and when I found out the girl was only using me for a consistent hookup, I was crushed. It debilitated me for about a month. Anyways, I think I'm just terrified of that happening again. And maybe rightfully so with a summer fling during college years (both of us are seniors). I ended up texting her that me telling her I didn't want to "waste my time" with something that wouldn't be serious was just me hiding the fact that I thought she just wanted some attention. I told her I was starting to care for her more than I wanted to and that was terrifying to me. I also said I wasn't pleading for us to get together again or expecting a response. I just needed to finally express what I'd been thinking since she sounded hurt and angry. I let her know that I deleted her number so she wouldn't get any more texts from me. I was kind of hoping this would make her come running back to me, although I certainly don't expect that. I really like her and that's rare. Could someone give me insight into any of this? It just seems like she is interested but so angry that she feels she shouldn't be. I don't want things to end if neither she nor I actually want them to. Something doesn't feel right here.
Imajerk17 Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 (edited) So a guy you've seen a few but long times (he's stayed the night with no sex but lots of kissing) sends you a text after you say you can't go out because you're too hung over that he thinks the two of you are done and next time you ought to just say no rather than lead him on. You think he's cute; he went to a good school and is athletic. He seems to like you but neither of you has texted the other a lot and you have not asked him out. This is why you don't send angry texts. What good could come out of that text you sent? How smart and good-looking you are is irrelevant to this. The evening after he texts you, he calls to apologize. He says that he wants to see you more, but if you are not interested in it eventually becoming serious he wants to end it. He offers to take you to do something a bit expensive and he doesn't like but he knows you love doing it to prove that he is,in fact, interested and sorry. He was drunk and thought that you just were blowing him off when you know that he only has limited time to spend with you. You say you need some time to think it over because you're furious. Let me see if I got this straight. She blows you off, and in response, you do something stupid, and then you basically hand her your balls by calling to apologize AND then offering to spend money? What you said in the phone call was actually an even bigger mistake than the text you sent. Background: he's leaving for in a little over a month and might not be back for six months or more(he could visit occasionally though) so he wants a solid foundation if it's going to be an LDR or he would rather it just end. That's another irrelevant detail. You can't be considering LDRs if you're the one who is pushing to see her and she is blowing you off. Even if the "distance" here is down the hall. Not trying to be harsh on you here, but take a look again how you handled the situation. Edited July 18, 2011 by Imajerk17
Author lance.dark Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 Fair enough. Not really answering the question I was asking, but you are correct. I knew I had made these mistakes immediately. I'm not really upset about apologizing, I do think I was in the wrong if she legitimately was hungover (then again, I've never heard of being hungover at midnight the following day and being unable to go out to see someone you like). But I should have proposed something less extreme. All in all, definitely a butchered situation. I don't think I'll be texting when drunk/angry to someone I'm dating again though.
Author lance.dark Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 Can anyone give me some insight into what she's thinking? I realize it's over, but for future reference it would be nice to know.
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