P&R Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 (edited) I need LS's help as per usual. I'm confused at what angle to approach the subject of boundaries. What makes it so confusing to me is because it's not about my boundaries, it's about my girlfriends. If I approach the subject wrong I could possibly strike a raw nerve with my girlfriend. I need to come at this issue with some finesse. The story goes like this: About 4 months ago she got her first full time job. She works from 10:00am -6:30pm but the commute to work is 2 hours long so she needs to get up at 7. It's not uncommon for her to have to put in tons of overtime work either. Here's where the problem lies; she's been running herself ragged because of both me and her best friend. She finally had a mini breakdown infront of me but I feel she's headed for a much bigger one if she doesn't start clearly defining her boundaries. The reason why she's running herself ragged is because of me and her best friend. I selfishly didn't notice what I was doing to her and I doubt her best friend see's it either. Sometimes we'd stay up until 1 talking on worknights. Many weeks it seemed like I was only getting one day with her. That was not enough for me, and she refused to hang out with me any of her weekend days. That made me frusterated beyond belief. I saw what she was doing she was limiting me on purpose so she could have more freetime to herself as she is introverted and needs her personal space, she also wanted to maintain her other relationships but she was too imbalenced. It was coming at a cost to our relationship. I told her that I felt hurt that she did this so she started giving me her weekends. Usually her whole Saturday and a good part of Sunday, around 5 hours or so. I was happy that I got a week day and the whole weekend but I felt she was taking it too far. All I wanted is two days a week. She was going too far to please me because she felt I would get angry at her. Too add onto this we always stayed up until at least 12-1:30 talking to each other even on worknights, even before she started giving me weekends because she would get home at 8pm. You do the math... that leaves only 5:30 hours to sleep, this is not including the time it takes to get ready for bed and the drive home. With all of this included she probably is getting only 5 hours of sleep when we hang out on weekdays. (Usually only one weekday). Her best friend is also a huge culprit. She stays up talking with her, sometimes until 5 in the morning. My girlfriend says she does this, because she wants to be a good friend. She also admitted that she has a hard time saying no. Her time with her friend can range from 1 day a week to 2 days. It's not uncommon for them to hang out 3 days a week, this happens usually once a month. I've been around them and I can attest to the fact that they can shoot the breeze, and talk for hours. It's really amazing how long those two can talk. Essentially she has zero personal time. To add to this she also wants time with her family, and she also spends at least one day with her co-workers from work. She hardly has time to even run to the bank. She is like the living dead at work she said, only living from coffee cup to coffee cup. I feel a great sense of guilt even though we worked this out. Her solution was to take me on errands and of course not spend the whole day together and the thing I came up with is to set the alarm clock to 11:15 when we go over to each others house. When it goes off that means it's time for me to leave. Losing track of time was a big problem with us. I'm worried though. She still didn't set any boundaries, in the end I ended up setting them for her... She still hasn't set any with her friend. Last night they hung out until 2am. I feel she will be headed for an even bigger breakdown if she doesn't set boundaries. I want to help her, and I feel this is something I should talk about with her. Until she does set boundaries I feel this cycle will continue. I set her boundaries for her in our relationship as far as this time issue goes for her sake after her breakdown. As I said I told her to be out by 11:15 and I told her that two days is enough, and that we DON'T need to spend the whole day together, and that she misinterpreted our talk. However her friend is also a big issue. Until she sets boundaries with her friend then this cycle will continue. She will still feel tired and stressed. If I wanted too I could even cross the boundaries I set EASILY because I have defined them, and they're my rules not hers. How do I broach this subject without sounding like I'm telling her what do, or sounding like I'm too overbearing and critical? I want to help her out, I don't want her to see her run into a massive breakdown, which is where she's headed. Her friend is entirely unaware this is brewing, but I do, and I have a terrible feeling about the whole thing. Edited July 12, 2011 by P&R
robdrm32 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 It's gonna be hard to tell her what to do, without telling her what to do. Just tell her she needs to start getting more sleep. If she asks why just tell her your concerns without leading into "i think you should do xyz" I'm assuming she is an adult and can figure out how to balance her life once she see's how it's affecting her and her relationship with you. she can say to her friend "i'm tired, i need to go to sleep" but she chooses not too. So she is tired and cranky the next day. Thats kind of a personality issue in my book.
Voldar Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 It may not be what you want to hear but only two things I can personally think of are... Just try to ease it into a conversation that you're worried about her and her friend. Problem is I see that she could turn hostile and think you're trying to say "Well if I have a set time with you, so should your friends." Then go off on you. However you know what kind of person she is, do you feel like it edges that way or feel like you have a better chance of her being understanding that you're just looking out for her. My other idea is that maybe you could talk with her friend? Ask her if she see's what may possibly happen. Try to see if her friend will set some boundaries like you did. It's a tough situation. :\ Hopefully some others have some better ideas for you.
Author P&R Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 It may not be what you want to hear but only two things I can personally think of are... Just try to ease it into a conversation that you're worried about her and her friend. Problem is I see that she could turn hostile and think you're trying to say "Well if I have a set time with you, so should your friends." Then go off on you. However you know what kind of person she is, do you feel like it edges that way or feel like you have a better chance of her being understanding that you're just looking out for her. My other idea is that maybe you could talk with her friend? Ask her if she see's what may possibly happen. Try to see if her friend will set some boundaries like you did. It's a tough situation. :\ Hopefully some others have some better ideas for you. I thought about going to her friend, however it carries a great deal of risk for me. My girlfriend is very prideful... She doesn't ever want to burden people with her problems. She will keep them inside until it festers and comes out in a nasty way. If my girlfriend found out I told her best friend about her problem she might think I was trying to come in-between them. She gave me a strict warning when we first became exclusive that if I did anything to harm her relationship with her best friend she would never forgive me. If she caught wind that I told her friend she could perceive it as a threat to her friendship. On the other hand I could see both her friend and my girlfriend thinking that it would be sweet of me to do that. It's really a double edge sword and I have no clue how my girlfriend will react if she finds out. I would need to handle the situation with finesse. I don't know if I can pull it off, especially since I'm a blunt person in situations like this.
Teknoe Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 I need LS's help as per usual. Nope, the help you need is from Dr. Henry Cloud. He wrote an awesome book called BOUNDARIES http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310585902 Get your hands on that book and read it thoroughly. It could change your life for the better
Hot Chick Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Sorry but you need to just keep your mouth shut. Her career is the priority right now, and that involves hanging out with coworkers. If you don't like that her career is so important, then you need to break up with her. Personally, I think she should move to the city where her job is. Boyfriends come and go...best friends and jobs are forever. If she wanted to spend less time with her best friend she would, and how much she does so is her choice. If you want to stay in a relationship with her you need to stop being selfish. She already is giving you more than she really feels comfortable, you even said she is exhausted to the bone. I would back off. Her career is more important. Deal.
Author P&R Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 Sorry but you need to just keep your mouth shut. Her career is the priority right now, and that involves hanging out with coworkers. If you don't like that her career is so important, then you need to break up with her. Personally, I think she should move to the city where her job is. Boyfriends come and go...best friends and jobs are forever. If she wanted to spend less time with her best friend she would, and how much she does so is her choice. If you want to stay in a relationship with her you need to stop being selfish. She already is giving you more than she really feels comfortable, you even said she is exhausted to the bone. I would back off. Her career is more important. Deal. You don't seem to understand the problem, Hotchick. The problem is the time she was spending with me and the time she IS spending with her best friend. I purposely cut back our time, and drastically might I add. However the time with her friend is still a big problem. The problem is IT IS affecting her career. I don't mind the fact that she spends time with her coworkers or even her friend. It's just the fact that her late night with her friend and lack of personal time is starting to break her down.
soulm8 Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 P&R, you sound like a wonderful bf who sincerely cares about your gf. I honestly don't know how you can go about this without coming across as some kind of control freak. Don't approach the best friend and try not to harp on their time and her lack of boundaries. This is unfortunately something she'll have to realize herself and adjust accordingly. Your best bet is to accept what she is doing (to herself) and keep the communication between the two of you open and strong.
Hot Chick Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 (edited) She obviously needs to have her best friend be a big part of her life. You are 1. jealous of that fact (but won't admit it) and 2. are blaming the best friend when actually your girlfriend needs her best friend and encourages that in her life. Solution 1. break up with her (might be a good idea, actually, because this is already driving you nuts.) 2. back off and keep your opinions about her best friend and "boundaries" to yourself and accept that she is stressed sometimes and accept that you can't see her as much as you'd like Edited July 13, 2011 by Hot Chick
Author P&R Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 (edited) She obviously needs to have her best friend be a big part of her life. You are 1. jealous of that fact (but won't admit it) and 2. are blaming the best friend when actually your girlfriend needs her best friend and encourages that in her life. Solution 1. break up with her (might be a good idea, actually, because this is already driving you nuts.) 2. back off and keep your opinions about her best friend and "boundaries" to yourself and accept that she is stressed sometimes and accept that you can't see her as much as you'd like I know you're trying to help me but you totally have a misunderstanding of the situation. I was getting more time than her best friend. I could have kept it that way but I chose not too. I'm not jealous I'm worried. I have a bad feeling that she's headed for breakdown. She doesn't know how to say no, especially to the people she cares about. She even said to me that her late night sessions with her friend are taxing on her body and her work. I just have this terrible feeling in the pit of my stomache about my girlfriends emotional health if this keeps up. It's not even just her friend... she just tries to do too much but her friend is specifically what she mentioned along with the time she was spending with me. Edited July 13, 2011 by P&R
thatone Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 She obviously needs to have her best friend be a big part of her life. You are 1. jealous of that fact (but won't admit it) and 2. are blaming the best friend when actually your girlfriend needs her best friend and encourages that in her life. Solution 1. break up with her (might be a good idea, actually, because this is already driving you nuts.) 2. back off and keep your opinions about her best friend and "boundaries" to yourself and accept that she is stressed sometimes and accept that you can't see her as much as you'd like newsflash: you're not the jealous single female friend or the girlfriend, so stop emulating them. he should do nothing you said. in fact he should do the opposite. the fact is the friend is jealous, so the friend is occupying her time to try to drive him away. you didn't have to tell us about the friend's speech to you, OP, it was pretty easy to figure out. put two women together who claim to be friends one with a man one without, and the one without will plot against the other every damn time out of jealousy. what you need to do is put her to a decision. tell her you're not gonna be in a relationship with a zombie because she can't tell her jealous friend to hang up the phone, and you're not gonna sit by yourself on the weekends while she spends time with her jealous friend every week, nor will you sit idly by while the friend keeps her up til 5 am either, so if that's what she intends to keep doing you're gone. her fear of rejection will then take over and kick the friend's ass to the curb.
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