Tasha49 Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 So a few months back I posted about the ****ty situation I have been in with a guy I met from work. To (kind of) put it short, I am in a non-committed relationship with him a whole year later still. He made it clear from the start he wasn't ready for a relationship (his gf of 6 years cheated on him and left him), and to give it time. Well it has been a whole year and we're still not official. I'd say about half of the year has been good and half rough and difficult to tolerate. He loves me most definitely (I can tell by many things but most based off of looks in his eyes, when he says it, and how he acts around me and when he sees me), but I feel like it isn't enough. He has slept with a few people in the midst of this "relationship." the last one was a new co-worker he knew I could not stand. I told him from the start I had a bad vibe about her and yet a few weeks later I find he got her number and invited her to his house party but not me. And a few weeks later after that he invited her to a bbq at a friends house and I went too. Him and I drove together and she came later with some girlfriends. He was all over them and at the end she was all over him and they left together in his car and he left me there (he was my ride). Real classy. The next morning I told him i was done through a text. That I knew what they did. He never denied it. He came into work begging me to stay saying he loved me for the first time. I said I didn't care and it wasn't enough. So then he said, "Then let's be together, right now," in a desperate voice. I told him we'll talk later. Like a moron I forgave him. When we talked later he went back on his word about being with me. Big surprise. Said he needed time to think. Things were going great and better than ever in the meantime. Until I got impatient a month later. Told him I am tired of this and I want a relationship. He said to give him 2 more weeks to think about it. Well... that was 2 months ago... I don't know what to do. I love him to no end, despite all the **** he's done. Half the time he would blow me off and never make plans with me and forget about me basically. Then there's moments where we hang out all the time and it feels so perfect and amazing. A few weeks ago we were together nonstop a whole week. It was absolutely amazing... until now. He's back to blowing me off and basically not doing anything with me anymore. He is in a party house so that sucks for me since he NEVER invites me to them. Now that he has new roommates in the house (all guys) he hangs with them more than me and it makes me feel so worthless. I am so tired of not making plans with people "in case" he decides to call and hang out. I miss him all the time so I don't want to miss a minute without him by being somewhere else. It is pathetic. Everything was amazing at first we were inseparable. This last month we have been too but now he's being weird again. It is so hard to explain but when we're alone he can't ever keep his hands or eyes off of me (not in a sexual way). He lights up everytime he does see me. We laugh so much together. We have A lot of fun all in all so i am so confused. We're going to California in two weeks with his family. He invited me and is really excited about it. But I'm finding it so hard to last until then. I want to give up and just part ways because he makes me sad. But it is SO hard, because I love him. I have given up at least 3 times but every time he keeps convincing me to come back and be patient. He says he wants to be with me but not yet. Well then when, ever? I can't even touch him or show any affection if we're in front of people who know him. It makes me feel like ****. Wtf is wrong with me? Why am I STILL here with this bs? It looked so promising at first. He makes it clear he doesn't want me to leave or give up but why is he so careless sometimes? He usually doesn't go a day without calling or texting me so he obviously cares somewhat. I need to give up already! But I don't know how.
Rose T Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Tasha49, I know it's hard when we feel like we've invested time, effort and love in someone, but the more this goes on, the more your self-esteem is going to get damaged. Even if you try and persuade yourself you're only staying with him until someone better comes along, you better believe that he is damaging you and you may not be ready for something better if you keep being conditioned by this relationship. He is treating you poorly. He has slept with a few people in the midst of this "relationship." the last one was a new co-worker he knew I could not stand. Tasha, he CHEATED on you several times. You use this euphemism "he has slept with a few people in the midst of this relationship" as if you're trying to justify his behaviour. It's important to be truthful with yourself. Had he only cheated once you should probably have said goodbye, so why are you still there? He's back to blowing me off and basically not doing anything with me anymore. You deserve better. Please reread what you've written. What would you advise your daughter, if you had one, to do about this man? I can't even touch him or show any affection if we're in front of people who know him. His control of the relationship is bordering on the abusive. He won't even let you close around certain people. That's screwed up. He usually doesn't go a day without calling or texting me so he obviously cares somewhat. Somewhat? He's doing the bare minimum to keep you around. Not a text message more. That's not love. I need to give up already! But I don't know how. You have to love yourself more than this man. You have to stop defering the pain of this break-up and go through it now, for your own sake. It's the hardest thing in the world, but it will be the first step on the road to a better life and eventually a better love. You have to believe this. Good luck.
Kalinka Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Tasha49, I know it's hard when we feel like we've invested time, effort and love in someone, but the more this goes on, the more your self-esteem is going to get damaged. Even if you try and persuade yourself you're only staying with him until someone better comes along, you better believe that he is damaging you and you may not be ready for something better if you keep being conditioned by this relationship. He is treating you poorly. Tasha, he CHEATED on you several times. You use this euphemism "he has slept with a few people in the midst of this relationship" as if you're trying to justify his behaviour. It's important to be truthful with yourself. Had he only cheated once you should probably have said goodbye, so why are you still there? You deserve better. Please reread what you've written. What would you advise your daughter, if you had one, to do about this man? His control of the relationship is bordering on the abusive. He won't even let you close around certain people. That's screwed up. Somewhat? He's doing the bare minimum to keep you around. Not a text message more. That's not love. You have to love yourself more than this man. You have to stop defering the pain of this break-up and go through it now, for your own sake. It's the hardest thing in the world, but it will be the first step on the road to a better life and eventually a better love. You have to believe this. Good luck. My words exactly Well written, Rose.
ChessPieceFace Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Why are so many threads like this? People coming on here with plainly obvious choices, looking for people's permission to go through with it. The guy is trash, !@%$ing dump him already.
vsmini Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Dump him. It will be hard at first but you'll get over it.....and then the tough part will come. Yes - the hard part. When you realize how much time you wasted with this guy. I have a big regret about my ex. I stayed with him about 5 months too long. If I could do it again I know the EXACT day I would have walked out on him. Big regret holding out for so long. Time wasted.
Author Tasha49 Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Rose thank you. I think I recall you giving me advice when I asked a while back what I should do. Sadly I am still in this **** a while later. It is just hard to listen to nearly everyone saying move on. It makes me that much more stubborn in trying to listen, because it makes me want to fight even longer just to prove everyone wrong. And he does love me. All my friends can see it and I know what love is. He just really has a hard way of showing it sometimes. I have only listed the bad things he has done, none good. He has several good and meaningful qualities but I figured there is no sense in listing them since he seems to let me down more than lift me up. He pays for me wherever we go. He has taken me out to dinner many times, even expensive restaurants when I know he doesn't make that much money. He buys me little gifts here and there, like a really expensive camera once since he knows I like photography. When we are alone together he is really affectionate and caring especially when we go to sleep together. He can't ever keep his hands off of me. I am the only girl he hangs out with, I will bet my life on it. I think he wants to hook up before settling down and he knows I am a good woman so he is trying to keep me but have his fun in the meantime. Which is bs. I plan on leaving for good after our vacation. Because I don't see him wanting a relationship still. Not if he's in a party house. I just don't get it. I thought it would go somewhere.
Author Tasha49 Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Why are so many threads like this? People coming on here with plainly obvious choices, looking for people's permission to go through with it. The guy is trash, !@%$ing dump him already. It is hard, not as easy as counting to 3. When you love someone you can't just walk away without wanting to try first.
KathyM Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Dump him. You deserve better. You ladies need to have more respect for yourself and not tolerate crap from these guys. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to have you, and everyone else he can get. You really want someone like that? There are men out there that are not asswipes. Why waste your time on garbage men? Seriously, ladies. Please don't settle for trash.
runner Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 I need to give up already! But I don't know how. sounds like you need some discipline and commitment to the idea of moving on, but more importantly, you could use some self-repsect. you gotta know your boundaries and what you want out of a partner, and it doesn't sound like this guy is it--despite the few tastey crumbs he throws your way every once in a while. seriously, this guy sounds like a douche who wants his cake and to eat it too, and allowing him to string you along is doing nothing but validating his douchey behaviour. good luck with that
Author Tasha49 Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Also appreciate the advice. I know (and have for a long time) that I deserve better and need to get out. I just don't want to leave and see that he has a gf all of a sudden.
runner Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 It is hard, not as easy as counting to 3. When you love someone you can't just walk away without wanting to try first. you've already given it a year; how is that not a 'try' ? and yes, you can walk away from this if you really want to. i'm sorry to break it to you but, based on your story, the 'love' you feel is actually mostly in your head. change your mind about him and he's history.
runner Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Also appreciate the advice. I know (and have for a long time) that I deserve better and need to get out. I just don't want to leave and see that he has a gf all of a sudden. cut him off completely as if he didn't exist and you won't have to worry about 'seeing' anything. although before you get involved with anyone, i would suggest you figure yourself out first, and figure out why you got yourself in this situation in the first place- lest your patterns repeat themselves.
Author Tasha49 Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 I'm not mentally retarded I know what love is. You'd have to be me to see it. And like I have said I only posted the bad stuff. He does love me. I am not blind. It's not all in my head.
mo mo Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 I'm not mentally retarded I know what love is. You'd have to be me to see it. And like I have said I only posted the bad stuff. He does love me. I am not blind. It's not all in my head. oooooo k Listen, I'm a guy, and while I don't really believe in treating people the way that guy treats you, I can totally see what he is doing. He is manipulating you. Plain and simple. It started right from the beginning. I know plenty of people, men and women, who do this kind of thing. They give you some kind of reason for not being able to pursue a real relationship. What they are really asking for is permission to walk all over you. He is having his cake and eating it too right now. He claims he got hurt in the past, so he feels entitled to do the same to others because dating is only a game to him. He doesn't respect you as your own person, he only sees or talks to you when it is convenient for him. It's BS. He isn't going to change for you because he doesn't respect you. Move on.
Author Tasha49 Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 I do respect blatant honesty. In fact I encourage it. But you guys don't understand. He never goes a day without calling me. Texts me first thing in the morning saying really sweet things. He has never been an ******* to me, just doesn't make me a priority. Trust me I already know I need to get out and find better. I know he's not going to change. But I am telling you he does care about me. You have no idea what I see. If he didn't show he loved me then it would make my decision easier. He tells me he loves me a lot and I know when someone means it and when they don't. I have been in relationships before where I saw no love and they didn't ever say it. It has not been like this the whole time. It was great for the first 5 months. Then here and there he just won't treat me the way I deserve. And yes that is taking me for granted. But I am telling you, I would not have stayed in this if he did not love me. He loves me, but is not madly in love with me, obviously. Tell me why he invites me to family things when his family is the most important thing and his family adores me. He is affectionate with me around them. He always talks about future plans and places we should travel to together. It's just confusing. But please just don't say he doesn't care because I would not be so defensive if he didn't. You're all right though. He isn't worth my time I just needed reassurance so thank you
runner Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 obviously we can't possibly see the entire dynamic of your relationship based on a few sentences here. but regardless, this guy is blowing hot and cold and that's really no way to have a healthy relationship. and if you felt the need to post it here, then it sounds like you've had enough; now tell him to go shyt or get off the pot. best
mo mo Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 I do respect blatant honesty. In fact I encourage it. But you guys don't understand. He never goes a day without calling me. Texts me first thing in the morning saying really sweet things. He has never been an ******* to me, just doesn't make me a priority. Trust me I already know I need to get out and find better. I know he's not going to change. But I am telling you he does care about me. You have no idea what I see. If he didn't show he loved me then it would make my decision easier. He tells me he loves me a lot and I know when someone means it and when they don't. I have been in relationships before where I saw no love and they didn't ever say it. It has not been like this the whole time. It was great for the first 5 months. Then here and there he just won't treat me the way I deserve. And yes that is taking me for granted. But I am telling you, I would not have stayed in this if he did not love me. He loves me, but is not madly in love with me, obviously. Tell me why he invites me to family things when his family is the most important thing and his family adores me. He is affectionate with me around them. He always talks about future plans and places we should travel to together. It's just confusing. But please just don't say he doesn't care because I would not be so defensive if he didn't. You're all right though. He isn't worth my time I just needed reassurance so thank you He has slept with a few people in the midst of this "relationship." the last one was a new co-worker he knew I could not stand. I told him from the start I had a bad vibe about her and yet a few weeks later I find he got her number and invited her to his house party but not me. And a few weeks later after that he invited her to a bbq at a friends house and I went too. Him and I drove together and she came later with some girlfriends. He was all over them and at the end she was all over him and they left together in his car and he left me there (he was my ride). Real classy. The next morning I told him i was done through a text. That I knew what they did. He never denied it. Sounds like an ******* move to me. You can't say he was never an ******* to you. FYI anyone can say sweet things or act like they care by calling or texting. It takes more than that to show someone you really love them, and it's clear to me and you he hasn't. But whatever. I think you want to stay with him anyways. DO what u want.
daphne Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Like Cap'n America said, this dude is manipulating you. You are kidding yourself if you think he really loves you. He doesn't. He doesn't respect you either. That nonsense panic he had about you leaving him wasn't love. It was desperation of losing something, without having something better lined up. I wish, as women, we'd stop fantasizing and remaining in denial about how good a guy is, when he's clearly not. Your guy does NOT love you. I don't mean to be harsh, but I hate seeing another woman stick with a jacka$$ and wearing the rose colored glasses. You need to work on your integrity. That assumes a certain amount of self respect, and that you cut off the offender who does not treat you the way you know you deserve to be treated. No matter how much you love him.
soulm8 Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 I know exactly how you feel so please... listen to daphne and take off the rose-coloured glasses. You are sure he loves you and you're afraid to turn your back on him? OK then. Sit him down and speak from your heart. See how his BEHAVIOUR changes over a set amount of time (a few weeks, a month, whatever you decide). If you're still unhappy at that point... it's time to move on and never look back. At least you'll know you tried everything. Don't accept these crumbs from someone you love. I was stuck in a similar situation, and it hurt like hell to discover he was engaged to someone only 2 months after we broke up. Hugs
Yookie Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Sounds like he loves you like he would love a puppy that follows him around even though he kicks it every once in a while when it gets in the way. Time to wake up. Guess what? This: -He's never going to commit to you. -He's never going to have a real relationship with you nor ever marry you because he doesn't have to since you let him get away with having you as his back up plan. -By now he has lost all respect for you as a person because you have proven yourself to be a puppet. How long are you going to let this continue? Somewhere deep inside I know you believe you can do better than this clown. Give yourself the chance to be happy.
Author Tasha49 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 I am happy to be given advice and critique, truly am. But He does love me and whether none of you believe me is not the issue here. I'm not defending myself but honestly... he does a lot to show he cares. You don't see the way he acts around me. The way he lights up when he sees me. My friends all can't stand him because of what he's putting me through but I swear on my life, even they can see that he loves me. That is why they have always given him a hard time asking why the hell he won't ask me out already. Even when I can't see the way he looks at me they can see it. As I said... I did not say he was MADLY in love with me. But he deeply does care about me. However... I know it will NEVER match the kind of love I have for him. That is why I know that there is a guy who can SHOW me his love for me. There are many times where people don't show their partner the love they have because they take him/her for granted. And when they lose their partner because of it they realize how much they did care about and love the person. I am not shutting the door on the fact that I am being an idiot. This is not healthy I know. But it does not have anything to do with my self-esteem. I am beautiful and men turn their heads all the time wherever I go. The only reason I keep staying is because of how much I love him. I don't even know how I do love him but he is a really great guy, was when I met him. But he IS just having his cake and eating it too. Which is pathetic. And I will never be happy at the same time as he is happy. I just needed to hear from other people the same thing as my friends and family say (who also can see that he does love me). Because now I know I really am blind if I think NOT leaving is smart. I just don't know how to do it. When I love him this much. I don't even WANT to look at other guys because I have no interest... I just want him. So how do I convince myself to walk away? I'm going to do it... I have to at this point. But it seems so difficult.
Author Tasha49 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 Also... do guys usually like to cuddle? Because I love affection and just laying together watching a movie. That's what I do with him a lot. And I am afraid I will end up with some dude who won't even be affectionate the way he is. Sounds silly but it means a lot to me when I go to bed beside someone who wants to hold me. I'm afraid I won't find that. He is super touchy-feely when We lie down together.
runner Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 (edited) So how do I convince myself to walk away? I'm going to do it... I have to at this point. But it seems so difficult. some guys are toxic [period] judging the way you talk about him- this divide between the mind and the heart- he certainly has you under his spell you know what you need to do, but you seem to struggle to do this on your own; and if you can't do it, i suggest you seriously consider therapy. i don't say that lightly because you sound like someone i know, and her situation did not turn out well at all. Edited July 9, 2011 by runner
welikeincrowds Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Also... do guys usually like to cuddle? Yes and they usually don't use "love" like a weapon dump him tomorrow
mo mo Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 I am happy to be given advice and critique, truly am. But He does love me and whether none of you believe me is not the issue here. I'm not defending myself but honestly... he does a lot to show he cares. You don't see the way he acts around me. The way he lights up when he sees me. My friends all can't stand him because of what he's putting me through but I swear on my life, even they can see that he loves me. That is why they have always given him a hard time asking why the hell he won't ask me out already. Even when I can't see the way he looks at me they can see it. As I said... I did not say he was MADLY in love with me. But he deeply does care about me. He has slept with a few people in the midst of this "relationship." the last one was a new co-worker he knew I could not stand. I told him from the start I had a bad vibe about her and yet a few weeks later I find he got her number and invited her to his house party but not me. And a few weeks later after that he invited her to a bbq at a friends house and I went too. Him and I drove together and she came later with some girlfriends. He was all over them and at the end she was all over him and they left together in his car and he left me there (he was my ride). Real classy. The next morning I told him i was done through a text. That I knew what they did. He never denied it. stop the insanity. you are seriously in denial here
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