lovingbutlost Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 (edited) Hello everyone, so I'm new...and came on here as I'd really like some help. I don't know who to talk to offline...I feel like everyone knows my boyfriend (and likes him) and therefore I can't tell them, and my friends who are just my friends...well, I don't want to dump things on them. Perhaps sometimes I'm so embarrassed that I'm failing at my relationship that I don't want to tell people. I don't know. Anyway, here's the brief story: 1. We have been together for 2.5 years next month,and moved in together 8 months into our relationship (a bit sooner than either of us wanted, but that was the time when his old tenancy ran out...if we had waited we would have had to have waited another year before moving in together). 2. About 1 year 1 month into the relationship, my boyfriend moved to another country. 3. I moved to the other country 3 months after him. 4. We have been living together here for 1 year now. 5. When he was moving abroad for work,we split up temporarily as part of the pressure. I wasn't sure if I could give up my job and move for him; we were living together but not engaged/married etc. I think we ended up questioning how much we really cared for each other at a stage of our relationship when we should have just been having fun. 6. 3 weeks after that we got back together to 'see where it would go'. Shortly after he left to go overseas. He left at the airport saying he couldn't promise me anything..he still was not sure. 7. I came to visit him for the holidays about 1-2 weeks after he moved out. Suddenly (loneliness? He had 2 friends out here already who he knew well) he was sure etc without TELLING me he was sure. I was confused of course. He wrote me a letter and put it in my bag for when I left to go back home telling me he was sure and wanted us to work at the relationship etc. 8. Everything was great...but I was really scared. I gave up my job and moved over 3 months after but I was so scared I was feeling cold. I didn't think that I cared about him,etc...but I think deep down when I looked at myself I realised I was scared of being hurt again (i.e. going through the break up again and him telling me he wasn't sure about me, etc). 9. I eventually realised I couldn't be with him and be cold etc so I worked ot what the problem was....I eventually told him I was really scared of him hurting me again (breaking up etc). 10. I think this pushed him away. From this point things have gotten steadily worse. This was about 11 months ago now. :-( I know his worst fear, like most men, is making their girlfriend/partner unhappy. He has told me before he cares more for my happiness than his own...but sadly now (see below) I don't know if it LOOKS that way. 11. We have not had sex in 7 months. We have had it once in those 7 months. Before then it was not half as 'regular' as before...maybe 1 a week, and then dropping to 1 every two weeks, etc. 12. The most we get to in kissing is a peck. That's it. My boyfriend never spontaneously kisses/hugs me like he used to. It's a goodnight peck, hello peck. 13. It's not me who doesn't want it. 14. My boyfriend is not a cheater (I know this, he can't even really flirt). I have asked him what he wants from us as he's pulled away so much. I think by asking him though, I push him away more. He keeps saying he doesn't know, but he won't make a move to break it up (and he's definitely told me before he's been sure of wanting to break up with other people). 15. He at the same time, isn't opening up. I don't know how to make him open up. I make things worse by pushing him to open up when I'm feeling so upset about our relationship. I'm not someone who can hold things in,or pretend that things are good when they are not. 16. There was one point, before we went through ALL of the move issues abroad, that he was certain he was going to marry me. And then he was certain again when I moved out here. But it's just all gone now. 17. Maybe it's me? He tells me he tries to talk to me but I say he's always wrong. I think that's true. But sometimes he says things which are really well, hard to believe. E.g. 'maybe I am someone who will never marry'. His one life goal is to be a 'good dad and a good husband' and that's it. It's what he told me on our first date, it's what he has openly told others, and so I can't believe him when he says things like that. 18.I don;t know what to do. I'm so unhappy as it is...with all this coldness and feeling like it's going nowhere...but I don't know how to get it back on track. I don't know how to be so supportive, when he says things like the above (as when he talks to me, it's almost like it's a joke and he's trying to ignore his feelings...he has told me as much before, i.e. he said he pushes away his emotions as he can't handle them). 19. Maybe he just doesn't want me. Should I end this? (20. We are both in our late twenties. 21. I take full responsibility for anything I've done that's not helped out relationship...I know sometimes when I communicate with him, I probably end up blaming him for XYZ. It's not right. However, I find it hard to communicate for the good of the relationship..if I'm with someone who hasn't shown any signs of wanting to communicate with me...(physically, emotionally, verbally). I just feel really bad,hurt, and pushed away.) Thank you. I also apologise if this is hard to read!!! Edited July 7, 2011 by lovingbutlost
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