How To Cope With Sexual Jealousy Over Your Ex

[rita1967]

Hello, my boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago and I'm still a mess. I have talked to him a few times and he, along with a few of our mutual friends have confirmed that he's totally miserable too.

 

I'm having a hard time because I am incredibly jealous of anyone he might eventually be having sexual relations with. We were very passionate about one another and put a lot into our sex life. I also know he's very confident sexually, which makes me sick because I am certain that although he's hurting he's probably already had sex with someone else. The jealousy almost drives me insane. I was at work the other day and randomly got a mental image of him with someone else and it almost made me sick.

 

Personally, I can't imagine being intimate with anyone else right now but I know that many people try to recover by having sex after a break-up. Any idea how I can think of something else or somehow eventually become okay with any of this? Help!

[Crisis]

Hey I'm right there with you, just want you to know your not alone. My ex broke up with me a month ago and is with someone else who she claims is just a really good friend, but I have been told that they are most likely having sex or doing something along those lines. It makes me sick to think about too. I would also like help with this.

[wilsonx]

For me, this really doesn't bother me. I know a lot of people here are jealous about their ex going into a new relationship and hooking up but you have to get to a point where you say to yourself, it does not matter anymore what my ex is doing. I also have the mindset that I am better then my ex which helps me tremendously.

 

You both also need to stop contacting your ex. Cut them off from your life, they cut you off from their romantic lives.

[Crisis]

This I have done Wilsonx, even deleted her from my facebook, I mean that was hard cause it's so casual to check, but I quit my soccer team she is on, havent tried to contact her at all and am just going on auto-pilot everyday. Right way to go?

[rita1967]

i know, i should stop talking to him. one part of me knows that he doesn't even deserve my acknowledging his existence, the other part still has that caring attitude about how he's feeling. right now on aim literally waiting for him to sign on, just so i know that he's home. this is ridiculous. i need to just delete him.

 

can you believe that after everything he put me through i'm concerned that HE is the one out hooking up with someone right now? ugh.

[thelovingkind]

Yeah rita, you absolutely need to go NC. Get him off your instant messengers, etc. The first couple days after my break up I would monitor when my ex was and wasn't online on msn. If he wasn't online for a whole evening my mind would be reeling: where is he? Who's he hooking up with? Is it fumbly and awkward or is he feeling relaxed and warm with them? It didn't take me long to wise up and delete him. YOU MUST DO IT TOO! You will just utterly destroy yourself continuing habits like this.

[ameriveaux]

the end of relationships can be looked at as coming out of a hot bath/shower. even as you get out of the bath, you can still feel the hot/cold water on you. It takes time for all of the water to eventually dry and for your skin to return to normal, and its different for each person. There is no true timeframe to be "truly over" someone. The goal is i think, to get back to the place of functionality; a state of mind where you can operate reasonably well in work/school/ and relationships ( not necessarily intimate )

 

Its pretty unreasonable to think you will be able to "switch off" feelings for this man, and those feelings may never go away. However, its looking like the reality is that you two are no longer romantically together. (Is it possible you two just needed a break and maybe can get back together? ) Because of that, and if there is finality to it, you will have to actively cut him out of your life. In order to do that, the NC rules apply. If you do not do that, you will not be able to accept the complete separation of you two.

 

My first statement really is to say that it is OK to feel the way you are feeling. Its been a year and a half and i still miss and care deeply for my ex. But because she chose to terminate all communications between us (i was being desperate and not giving her space) and has not attempted to contact me, i had to accept that she did not want anything to do with me anymore. You cannot rush to personal healing that you need to go through- it happens at its own pace. However, you cannot heal and build up a new reality and existence for you as a single woman without completely letting him go.

 

I mean its real- the thought of a former lover you care about being intimate with someone else hurts like a mother****er. It sure as hell caused me to tear up when i read about her finding and spending/falling in love with someone else (and we all know what being in love with someone leads too)

 

What you need to do now is to distract yourself with other activities that you personally enough when those thoughts of him come up. Also, friends and family at this point in time are invaluable- spend as much time with them as you can. If its possible - get yourself away from a computer, or means to "check up" on him.

 

I am an example of this. I have been tempted as all hell to check up on my ex's online blog. But instead, ive come here and decided to try to help others who are suffering. Im trying to channel self-destructive behavior into something positive. It's not the same like being with my ex- but its a bit healthier then spending time "window-looking" at someone who doesn't care a lick about me anymore.

[reimeivn]

I sometimes have this panic attack that my ex cheated on me while he was with me. Then I felt it, I told myself, hey, its over, nothing he ever done or is doing should matter to me anymore.

 

He might be seeing somebody now, and even though it is totally not what I expected, what do I know about him after all? I really don't. So its best not to dwell on the thoughts, and to remind myself that I don't want to be back with him, so it is fine whatever he did, or do. I am not going to waste anymore time.

 

My friends might be hanging out with him when he gets back here but, I ll be having my own group of new, true friends, and busy with classes, and I wont bother hanging out with them anymore. SO yay, him out of my life. He should be.

[wilsonx]

This I have done Wilsonx, even deleted her from my facebook, I mean that was hard cause it's so casual to check, but I quit my soccer team she is on, havent tried to contact her at all and am just going on auto-pilot everyday. Right way to go?

 

its a step in the right direction for sure but work on taking yourself off auto pilot and start taking control of your life. I was on auto pilot for the first 2 weeks and I accomplished nothing at all but my daily routine of going to work, being upset about what happened, coming home, dwelling on it, sleeping less then 4 hours and rinse and repeat.

 

Once I stuck to NC i took control of my life back. I joined a kickball league. I jog 5 miles 4 times a week. I do light lifting the other 3 days. I hang out and meet new friends. I go to bars by myself and am social with everyone, guys and girls to rebuild my self esteem and confidence. I started reading books, something I never really did before.

 

You have to find stuff that you enjoy doing and start doing it now, dont wait a month, dont wait 2 weeks. When you wake up this morning, take control of your life and start something new

 

One of my friends at work gave me this song and its been amazing at helping me let go'

it will make you cry but just listen to the words and not the music Edited July 6, 2011 by wilsonx

[rita1967]

the end of relationships can be looked at as coming out of a hot bath/shower. even as you get out of the bath, you can still feel the hot/cold water on you. It takes time for all of the water to eventually dry and for your skin to return to normal, and its different for each person. There is no true timeframe to be "truly over" someone. The goal is i think, to get back to the place of functionality; a state of mind where you can operate reasonably well in work/school/ and relationships ( not necessarily intimate )

 

Its pretty unreasonable to think you will be able to "switch off" feelings for this man, and those feelings may never go away. However, its looking like the reality is that you two are no longer romantically together. (Is it possible you two just needed a break and maybe can get back together? ) Because of that, and if there is finality to it, you will have to actively cut him out of your life. In order to do that, the NC rules apply. If you do not do that, you will not be able to accept the complete separation of you two.

 

My first statement really is to say that it is OK to feel the way you are feeling. Its been a year and a half and i still miss and care deeply for my ex. But because she chose to terminate all communications between us (i was being desperate and not giving her space) and has not attempted to contact me, i had to accept that she did not want anything to do with me anymore. You cannot rush to personal healing that you need to go through- it happens at its own pace. However, you cannot heal and build up a new reality and existence for you as a single woman without completely letting him go.

 

I mean its real- the thought of a former lover you care about being intimate with someone else hurts like a mother****er. It sure as hell caused me to tear up when i read about her finding and spending/falling in love with someone else (and we all know what being in love with someone leads too)

 

What you need to do now is to distract yourself with other activities that you personally enough when those thoughts of him come up. Also, friends and family at this point in time are invaluable- spend as much time with them as you can. If its possible - get yourself away from a computer, or means to "check up" on him.

 

I am an example of this. I have been tempted as all hell to check up on my ex's online blog. But instead, ive come here and decided to try to help others who are suffering. Im trying to channel self-destructive behavior into something positive. It's not the same like being with my ex- but its a bit healthier then spending time "window-looking" at someone who doesn't care a lick about me anymore.

 

No, I definitely don't think that there's anyway we could get back together unless he did a major overhaul in his life, which at this point seems doubtful. I feel like he enjoys his misery in some sick way, otherwise he'd wake up and realize his repeated patterns! See "My Boyfriend Sabotaged Our Relationship", to read more.

 

You're right. I deleted him from Facebook, his account is private too so I can't see anything. He never did get online last night, or at least before I went to bed. He had been online most other nights by midnight because he just moved but hasn't the past few nights. Of course, I 'm making myself sick wondering if he was at a bar, using the same charm he used on me. I'm going to delete him from AIM right now, I can't be doing this every night. It's so hard letting go.

[ameriveaux]

It sounds odd, but try to think of things from his eyes. He doesn't care about you in any significant way anymore, so why should you? It's not as easy as it sounds i know, but its an additional mental tool that you can use to ease yourself out of including him in your thought processes. If he has not tried to change his mindset or situation in anyway, then he has truly grown into a different person and likes this different person- which is different from who you knew and loved. Also its apparent that it is not compatible with what you are wanting which makes the chances of a new relationship pretty bleak.

 

So you are doing the right thing, the first step. Another thing you can do is go out yourself- and while you dont need to be looking for a new boyfriend; just socializing with new people can feel the social needs place in your life and give you a distraction from the new hole in your heart.

[Gack]

This really eat me up too. We were each other 1st. And the thought of her with the guy doing it, while here i am not with any other girls really tear my heart apart. All the skills she learn from pleasuring me is now used on another guy really is a disgusting thought, i thought we would last forever because she is the faithful type. It been 3 weeks and i have not contacted her for 2 weeks. They have been going out everyday and i am jealous like hell. She did all the things that i said i would do with her but didn't do because of some reason. We did everything together and everywhere i go there are memories of us doing stuff together. Sometimes i imagine what if she comes back to me after she is done with him and her freedom. I probably would lecture her asking her what did she do and also make her apologize to my family because they were so sweet to her. It like she left me for some fresh dick and came back to me after she had enough. What have i done to deserve this after being so committed and loving to her. Isn't love through sickness and health, through good and bad times. How can she just give up on me when i keep fighting and giving her chances when she made mistakes. Why didn't she fight for me and give me as many chances like i given her? Why is it so unfair? And everyone was saying why would she abandon me, who is one of the hottest guy in school for a ****face like him. I had so many girls chasing me in school and i chose her. I even pleaded and told her even if i knew this would happen i still would have chose her. She used to reply and call me all the time and now after all the text i sent her, she ignored me. I know she only reply or pick up calls if people other than me call or text her. It heartbreaking when i used to be her priority and now i'm like an annoying suitor she want to avoid. I wish i have another girlfriend now because i really wanna forget her and i feel better already. Just that sometimes i still miss her and all the good times we shared...

[rita1967]

Feeling the same way. We were very sexually compatible and just wild about each other. I torture myself with thoughts of him doing certain things or saying certain things to new girls that we once did. He told me the other day thoughts of me with anyone else are driving him insane too. I get this is totally part of the breakup process but I become so overwhelmed with these thoughts at times that I have to step out of the room I'm in or have trouble sleeping. I know he's no good for me anymore, but I feel helpless.

[Gack]

Yeah even though she is with another guy but i saw that she could get jealous when i post stuff of me going out with girls on facebook and saying how good this girl is to me. And she went and like all the older posts status that i told her how much i love her all that and deleted me from facebook. It really lame that when she keep posting stuff saying she enjoying this and that with her new guy and she love him and her life now. And i feel jealous and mad but after 1 post by me she could delete me. And later on when i see her profile through my friend she was emo and saying music lifted her mood up a little and later on saying that guy was there to comfort her so she is ok now.. Being with another person and yet we 2 still get jealous over each other. Sometimes i think this is so stupid, why do it in the 1st place. If she didn't cheat we would still be together. Now it becomes so messy and it sucks more for me because she can sleep with the new guy and i am alone. Plus i always get very protective if she get close to contact with people or her clothing is revealing. So i think it hurts even more for me.

[shortee143]

DONT engage in ex sex. haha...I have done it, and it is so detrimental!!! Being sexually jealous is def normal, esp if the sex and connection was intense. I have seen tho, that having had sex post breakup with him, it is not as good, bc that intimacy is gone, bc he used me for pleasure...there is nothing connected to it. So that sexual umph kinda passes. I had to listen, yes, listen, to my ex have sex with someone else. UGH, insensitive. He knew I was right in the other room too. It was awful hearing all that, and being like wait that girl used to be me. I was jealous though so I get it. He now has a new gf- and I hate thinking of him having sex with her. Alas, I am still attracted to him. It does go away though, I could care less who my ex ex has sex with....but this most recent ex, yea not so much past that sexual jealousy!

[lonelynyc]

Wow, my mind wasn't even on the sexual aspect until today. Day 1 and 2 of being broken up I missed all the little things, her unique laugh, the way she held my hand, called me at any time of day to talk about the most random, silliest things.

 

I have never been so strongly attracted to any woman in my life as I was/am to my ex. She's my ideal physically, just so beautiful to me. I can't fathom her with someone else, knowing I was the only one she wanted to make love to, that our sex life was incredible--it's ****ed up, but I don't want anyone to top that, make her forget about me.

[radiodarcy]

i too have dealt with this problem. esp in the first several weeks after he dumped me. after awhile whenever an image of him being with someone else popped into my head i firmly tell myself, "there's nothing i can do about it" until the image went away. if it came back i'd say it again and so on.

 

it wasn't overnight but after about three months i found that those images came into my mind less and less. now - - i don't even have the desire to summon them up. and it's left a lot more room for me to focus on other things. reading helps a lot. because i have to force myself to focus on what i'm looking at - - which distracts me from thinking about him.

 

it is frustrating that he seems to have had no problem moving on. it's been over a year since i've been with anyone (well - - the last guy i was with was him) and the thought of being with anyone else depresses me to the point where i feel sick.

[thelovingkind]

If it helps anyone cope with this, I find that de-romanticising the image of sex can help defuse the power of these thoughts. For example, maybe it's just me, but do you ever get that moment in the middle of having sex where you suddenly think about the crude rudimentariness of it all, like "For all the social power that sex holds over our imagination and all the tension and desire and poetry, it's a remarkably simple and kind of stupid thing to do, just grind your bits into another person for a while." Thinking like this, rather than thinking of the sex as this transcending, otherworldly connection has helped me close down the power of thoughts of my ex being with someone else.

[Gack]

She was my 1st and now that she is with another guy. It really makes me crazy thinking she could be riding him right now while i am doing something very normal. The thought that she is so much younger than me and having more sex than me makes me feel sucky. She was my 1st so any more sex she has will be more than what i did of course. It not so a competition to see who has more sex, that childish but i just feel that i will look at her in a different light if she comes back. I will be thinking that she cheated on me and did it with another guy then now you are coming back to me? What am i a rubbish bin? I know she want to explore the world and maybe think that the guy is the greener grass on the other side. But all these years and just up and go? Don't even care if i was sick and no call and texts at all. How can she be so heartless after seeing how kind she was to me for these 3 years. She took care of me. And now this. And she doesn't want to do it with me the last time she came to collect her things. I feel so jealous that she used to be only mine and now she is tarnished, her body has been touched by another guy. I wish things can go back the way it used to but i know that can never happen. I regret and grieve and kept no contact. I wonder if she thinks of me and the awesome sex we had.