Whipple Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 I feel so bad. To make a long story short, last week my boyfriend gave me a bunch of suggestions for this project I'm working on. Earlier today, I used what I thought was one of the suggestions he gave me and I told him that. He told me, "Wait, that wasn't even a suggestion of mine. Were you even listening to me? You were just smiling and nodding." I guess I got what he said confused with something else. It's not even that big of a deal but I could just hear the disappointment in his voice for the rest of the conversation. His responses were sort of short and I could tell that he just didn't want to talk much. I feel really, really bad and like I said, it's something so minor yet I feel like I let him down. Ever since earlier today, I've been moping around. I'm practically waiting for him to change his opinion about me now, which will eventually lead him to not wanting to be with me anymore. Logically, I know that I'm catastrophizing something minor and that if he did break up with me over this, then that's his problem. But at the same time, I'm so anxious. I have this fear of conflict because I've had so many bad experiences with it growing up. I know it's impossible for us all to be perfect and that we all make mistakes and disappoint each other now and then, but I can't wrap my head around it. I've had this problem in all my relationships. Any advice?
Gold Pile Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 I feel so bad. To make a long story short, last week my boyfriend gave me a bunch of suggestions for this project I'm working on. Earlier today, I used what I thought was one of the suggestions he gave me and I told him that. He told me, "Wait, that wasn't even a suggestion of mine. Were you even listening to me? You were just smiling and nodding." I guess I got what he said confused with something else. It's not even that big of a deal but I could just hear the disappointment in his voice for the rest of the conversation. His responses were sort of short and I could tell that he just didn't want to talk much. I feel really, really bad and like I said, it's something so minor yet I feel like I let him down. Ever since earlier today, I've been moping around. I'm practically waiting for him to change his opinion about me now, which will eventually lead him to not wanting to be with me anymore. Logically, I know that I'm catastrophizing something minor and that if he did break up with me over this, then that's his problem. But at the same time, I'm so anxious. I have this fear of conflict because I've had so many bad experiences with it growing up. I know it's impossible for us all to be perfect and that we all make mistakes and disappoint each other now and then, but I can't wrap my head around it. I've had this problem in all my relationships. Any advice?The fact that something so minor could upset him is HIS problem. His moods will be your problem as long as you date him. Find yourself an emotionally stable BF, your life will be much better.
stace79 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 I do that, too. I believe it's related to attachment styles - I read an article about it recently and then bought a book on it called "Attached". I too get really worked up over something very minor and worry that it means my SO's feelings are changing and that he is mad at me or won't want me anymore. It is somewhat related to self-esteem, too. I don't know the "solution" but it helps me to save sweet texts, emails or voicemails. That way if we do have a minor misunderstanding, I can go back to those things to help reinforce positive feelings and suppress the negative thoughts.
2themoon&back Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 I have this fear of conflict because I've had so many bad experiences with it growing up. I know it's impossible for us all to be perfect and that we all make mistakes and disappoint each other now and then, but I can't wrap my head around it. I've had this problem in all my relationships. Any advice? These “small” things are called “triggers”. When you react to small things, your reaction is big because the small thing seems familiar to you. Like in a different situation that may not have turned out favorable for you. You may want to read up on PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder), this behavior is very common in PTSD. You may also want to read about Co-Dependency, due to the fact that his feelings have so much influence over your mood and feelings. His mood can not dictate how you feel about yourself. Maybe some IC to help you cope with your past so you stop reliving it over and over. All mistakes are forgivable Good luck
TigerCub Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 I feel so bad. To make a long story short, last week my boyfriend gave me a bunch of suggestions for this project I'm working on. Earlier today, I used what I thought was one of the suggestions he gave me and I told him that. He told me, "Wait, that wasn't even a suggestion of mine. Were you even listening to me? You were just smiling and nodding." I guess I got what he said confused with something else. It's not even that big of a deal but I could just hear the disappointment in his voice for the rest of the conversation. His responses were sort of short and I could tell that he just didn't want to talk much. I feel really, really bad and like I said, it's something so minor yet I feel like I let him down. I think HIS reaction was totally uncalled for. so what? what if there was a misunderstanding or you ever heard something different, does that make it ok for him to talk to you like you're a child?! He needs to get HIS bulls**t in check. Ever since earlier today, I've been moping around. I'm practically waiting for him to change his opinion about me now, which will eventually lead him to not wanting to be with me anymore. Logically, I know that I'm catastrophizing something minor and that if he did break up with me over this, then that's his problem. But at the same time, I'm so anxious. I have this fear of conflict because I've had so many bad experiences with it growing up. I know it's impossible for us all to be perfect and that we all make mistakes and disappoint each other now and then, but I can't wrap my head around it. I've had this problem in all my relationships. Any advice? My boyfriend is the same way, he catastrophizes a lot of things. He's aware of it and yeah, sometimes a little disagreement or discussion triggers this fear in him that its going to lead to me breaking up with him or something like that - and to me, its just a discussion and nothing of the sort is going to happen. He believes that he is that way because his father used to be like that all the time. My bf actually just started seeing a therapist to deal with that issue. Personally, I'm more than willing to be patient and calm my bf down but that's because I don't catastrophize like him, and so maybe because your bf is just like you, its probably not going to work out so well, you'll just keep triggering each other. Good luck.
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