chica_mystique Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Let me begin by saying hello to everyone, just found this forum today. Before I begin explaining my conundrum, let me say that I am 25, single, and not looking for anything heavy anymore. I never did the dating thing while I was in college, and after my last nasty breakup took some time shying away from humanity until recently, when I have begun developing a social life again. I had a casual acquaintance who I was mildly interested in about 10 months ago, but he mentioned his live-in girlfriend of 2 years and naturally my interest melted immediately. A couple of months ago I had gotten on OKCupid to try to start meeting new people and do the whole dating thing; the first match that popped up was him. I dropped him a note, and found out that he was newly single (well, for three months). I figured he didn't want to start anything intense, so I asked if he'd like to just hang out sometime. Over the past two months, the "sometime" has turned into 2-3 times a week; some of these were typical dinner & movie dates, some were just hanging out one-on-one or with friends, and we were becoming close friends. I avoided kissing him until a couple of weeks ago...I was nervous about it, but REALLY wanted to. After we finally did, though, we had a couple of heavy makeout sessions, after which he said he didn't want to move too fast. He said he was still gun-shy. Understandable, I am too. He didn't drop the dreaded "I'm not ready for commitment" line and we hadn't had sex, so I didn't think this was a problem. Until a week ago, when he said that he had thought he was ready to start dating, but didn't feel "over the past," and this thing with me was "headed towards a relationship and I don't feel ready." He said, "I would hate to mess it up." And yet he says he still wants to spend time together...and take me out places, and flirt with me. We've already continuing spending time together as we were. Code or no? Normally if someone says they're not ready for a relationship, I would assume that they just don't want a relationship with ME. And that certainly would be very disappointing. But because we haven't slept together, and he still wants to go out, I'm wondering if he is (a) ATM not comfortable with anything intense, physically or otherwise, and wants to keep things mild, or (b) into me but concerned, as he said, that he would get involved with me and find himself falling short in what he needed to do emotionally, sexually, and otherwise. Or both? One of my male friends says that men often put themselves out there after a LTR has ended just to see if they've still got it, but once things veer into relationship territory they quickly feel exhausted at the prospect of being in another relationship. Makes sense, frankly I feel exhausted at that thought too. But I don't necessarily want to lock myself into the friend zone with this person. Can anyone interpret?
D-Lish Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 The last time I got burned by a comment like this was over 2 years ago. I met a guy on POF that was coming to Canada from Ireland to work for a year. On our first meeting we really connected- the chemistry was off the charts. It eventually turned into a romantic relationship- but he said on the second date that he didn't want to get "involved" too heavily because he was only visiting for a year. I heard what he said- but he was the one that amped up the relationship- eventually moving on to telling me that he was in love with me and talking about the future. When his actions were different from his words, I started believing his actions. One day I told him I loved him back and asked him about his plans for x-mas We'd spent 4-5 nights a week together for almost 3 months- and he had no friends or family here, so it seemed like a logical thing to ask. He checked out that day and didn't talk to me for a few days. When he did talk to me, he re-iterated that he wasn't ready for a relationship and didn't think he'd ever be ready for one. Situations like yours can work out, as long as you are prepared to take things slowly- but since he did mention that he's gun shy, I think it's important to proceed with caution. With my ex, it was so confusing. It's almost as if he used his words on the second date to negate telling me he was in love with me 2 months later (and interacting with me as if he did). So when I finally told him I loved him back and asked him to Christmas, he acted as if he'd already warned me that he couldn't take the relationship to the next level and I shouldn't have expected anything from him because he'd covered his bases on the second date. He treaded in and out of my life for another 2 years (and I stupidly let him) with his push-pull behaviour until he finally returned to Ireland. There are some guys out there that are just always going to be like my ex, and there are guys out there that might have some baggage, but are capable of working though it given some time in the company of a patient and understanding woman. I just think you should protect your heart for the time being while you figure out which guy you are dating.
Author chica_mystique Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 Hi D-Lish... No doubt. I can't deal with any more dragged-out things like what you describe. I went through it all in my head and looked at some texts he had sent later for clarification, and it's a mess. Everything seems contradictory to me. I don't know which sort he is...like your ex, he did tell me on the 3rd or 4th date that he wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship, but his behavior later was different. Perhaps he was afraid to be held accountable if he said he wanted one, and wanted to see if things happened without the pressure of that. However, because he has discussed the oppressiveness of his last girlfriend and her controlling ways, and because it only ended 5 months ago, I hope that he's reeling, not blowing me off. At this point I don't know how to act. Thankfully, nothing in our interaction has changed except that I didn't kiss him goodbye last time I saw him. Is it necessary for some men to put safeguards in place? Or is this an intentional effort to clear me into the friend zone? Because I can be patient, but I don't want to have to find out if he's blowing me off ONLY when he announces a new girlfriend.
D-Lish Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Hi D-Lish... No doubt. I can't deal with any more dragged-out things like what you describe. I went through it all in my head and looked at some texts he had sent later for clarification, and it's a mess. Everything seems contradictory to me. I don't know which sort he is...like your ex, he did tell me on the 3rd or 4th date that he wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship, but his behavior later was different. Perhaps he was afraid to be held accountable if he said he wanted one, and wanted to see if things happened without the pressure of that. However, because he has discussed the oppressiveness of his last girlfriend and her controlling ways, and because it only ended 5 months ago, I hope that he's reeling, not blowing me off. At this point I don't know how to act. Thankfully, nothing in our interaction has changed except that I didn't kiss him goodbye last time I saw him. Is it necessary for some men to put safeguards in place? Or is this an intentional effort to clear me into the friend zone? Because I can be patient, but I don't want to have to find out if he's blowing me off ONLY when he announces a new girlfriend. Make a list of the red flags you are experiencing. What are they? What does your gut tell you about things? Does he still talk about his ex a lot?
Author chica_mystique Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 Nah, he never talks about his ex. He has talked a couple times about the relationship and how unhappy he was, but I don't know her name, TV shows she liked, cute things she did, etc. Red flags...nothing when we're hanging out, everything is very easy. So the only red flags are him saying he didn't have the right feelings to start something and was gun-shy. However, the normal red flags that would send me running, e.g. "I don't want to lead you on" or "You're great, but I think we would be better as friends," haven't happened. Guess I'm just wondering if it's worth hanging onto my feelings, especially if he's going to want to keep hanging out.
D-Lish Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 I guess you have to base it on how he treats you then. For me, being on a fourth date and having someone tell me they aren't sure if they are ready for a relationship- I'd see it as a flag. Fourth date and you feel the need to annouce this? That does send a certain message that wouldn't sit well with me. Maybe you need to pull back some, give him a chance to give his head a shake and realize what he might be missing out on if he doesn't put on his big boy pants.
GildedLily Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Sounds like he's using you as an emotional air bag please read:http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/dating-he-hasnt-made-a-move-what-the-hes-gone-back-to-his-ex-lessons-on-how-to-avoid-being-an-emotional-airbag/
Author chica_mystique Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 Good article, thanks. Not a lot of it rings a bell for me in this situation, as it seems to mostly focus on introductions made via third party or dates where there's NO physical contact or emotional connection, but good to have for future reference.
GildedLily Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 (edited) I wish you would have explored this site further as there are definitely a few articles under "emotional airbag" that pertain to this situation you have. The fact that you didn't kiss for awhile is a red flag, the fact that you haven't had sex and he's still cool with going out is a red flag because he has clearly stated "he's not ready for a relationship" so still going out with you in this context doesn't mean "what a nice guy; willing to wait for sex!" Rather it means he's cool with "passing time with you" essentially wasting your time. He's not all in; he doesn't want a relationship and since he's already told you that, he won't feel guilty if you chose to stay in this and give him your time, your attention, your body. He's keeping you on ice, you're an option. Edited July 5, 2011 by GildedLily
Author chica_mystique Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 I'm sorry, but I did read your article thoroughly and didn't find it applied to my situation. And my approach to relationships is to take it slow, and to not wait on the man to initiate things. And to clarify, we did kiss on those first few dates; I mean that I avoided making out with him until recently. Besides...it's not a waste of time, I enjoy his company even if I'm a little disappointed that something isn't happening romantically. And, he's an option for me too. Isn't that the point of dating?
stace79 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 I think you have to decide for yourself if you can live with it. If you are not going to be hurt by the lack of commitment, then I'd say continue to see him, but don't have sex! For me, I couldn't hang out with him and not want to move toward a commitment, so it probably wouldn't work for me. I'd suggest that you not devote all your time to him, though, and still meet/see other new people. He doesn't SOUND like a bad guy, but then again my judgment isn't always the greatest.
GildedLily Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 I'm sorry, but I did read your article thoroughly and didn't find it applied to my situation. And my approach to relationships is to take it slow, and to not wait on the man to initiate things. And to clarify, we did kiss on those first few dates; I mean that I avoided making out with him until recently. Besides...it's not a waste of time, I enjoy his company even if I'm a little disappointed that something isn't happening romantically. And, he's an option for me too. Isn't that the point of dating? I didn't say read the article more thoroughly; I said explore the site thoroughly. You are more invested in this than he is; you're lying to yourself if you think it is equal and you are treating him as an option. You are busy posting on LS, decoding his words and hoping for a future with a guy who has said from the start that he's not ready. I stand on this and don't wish to argue, it's clear you won't consider anything you don't want to hear.
Author chica_mystique Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 GildedLily, I'd appreciate you not describing myself or my situation to me, especially when it's with such harshness and judgment, or even bald inaccuracy! Just because I request input on something he said does not mean I am determined to be with this one person (going out with someone else tonight, for God's sakes!) and am deluding myself, and just because I don't have time to read through an entire website does not mean I am not willing to hear others' opinions. No, I don't wish to argue either, because you don't know me, you can't extrapolate my whole love life from this one thread and explain it to me, and your responses are unhelpful and clearly intended to be rude. I'm guessing you're a counselor or therapist IRL, but that's no excuse.
vsmini Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 When a guy says he's not ready - that's all you need to hear. If he was ready he would make it known to you. My ex wasn't ready and never was but I pushed it because I didn't really "believe" he wasn't ready as all the signs and hallmarks of a relationship were there so I just assumed he was "confused" STUPID ME I also have to say - baggagereclaim.com is a gift! I love natalie and almost everything she posts is spot on. Def. read up on the site when you can. I've learned so much from it.
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