Love my girlfriend but am obsessed with another girl

[smallest mountain]

Hi

I will split this into two parts so you don’t have to read a wall of text to help, but if you do read the entire thing rather than just the summarized version you can help me even more by knowing the entire situation and our past. I’m looking for some advice.

 

Short version

I have been dating a girl for 2 and a half years and until recently never questioned the fact that I love her. However within the last week or so I started having feelings again and being almost obsessed with a girl I have a history with (but never dated) who I always wanted to date, just before I met my current girlfriend. it’s getting to the point now where it is literally all I can think about and I really need some advice on what to do and how to deal with it. Remembering how I felt about this girl has made me question just how powerful my feelings are for my current girlfriend and things just don’t seem as 'good' in comparison. I’m not sure whether this is a phase I’m going through that I will pass out of and love my girlfriend like I did before, or whether I’ve suddenly realised I’ve simply been telling myself I love my girlfriend when my feelings aren’t that strong, or whether what I really want is this other girl (who is also currently in a relationship). Even though I have no idea how she feels about me now. I can’t really talk about this to my friends as it would sound stupid and like I’m trying to hurt my girlfriend and split up this other girl and her boyfriend, and I’m pretty ashamed of how I currently feel.

 

So help me please someone, I literally lie awake at night not being able to sleep just running everything through my head and coming out with nothing!

 

 

____________________________________________________________

long version

first off, apologies to all who read this for my spelling and grammar and probably length. But work with me here.

 

I’m currently a couple of weeks off 21, and been in a healthy and great relationship with my current and only girlfriend for 2 and a half years now. At various times it’s been long distance for a month or so at a time, as we go to different universities but it's been great. But I’m suddenly obsessed with another girl.

 

Before I started dating my girlfriend or even knew her, I was literally infatuated with another girl. Let’s call her Emma. Now Emma happens to be a friend’s sister, which is actually how we met, I guess this is a big no no, but never mind as this gets worse. I actually started talking to her as a joke, to wind up my friend (in a jokey way as guys do I suppose). However pretty quickly I discovered she was amazingly good looking (I’m fairly unattractive) and great to talk to. She was dating some other guy at the time. We just talked to each other for about a month, online, texting and also in person every other day or so as we were at the same college. And I really liked her, and told her so (which was hard for me as I’m incredibly shy). One day I invited her to a get together at a friend’s house, said I would pick her up as well as her brother, and being that it was an all guys, she was reluctant but came. At the party she obviously met all my friends, who all knew I was crazy about her and seemed to get on well with most of them, but spent most of the night talking to me.

 

One of my friends also took an interest in her and got her number, I asked him about it and he said he wouldn’t do anything and she was mine (figuratively). I now know he also text her a lot and went to see her at home a few times. I now also know she was fairly interested in both of us. She then broke up with her boyfriend, it was never serious anyway. she then told me she really liked me, and I was going to ask her out the next time I saw her, honestly couldn’t believe my luck but a couple of days later and completely out of the blue, my friend text me and told me he was on his way to see her and ask her out. I was a bit taken aback and pretty angry with him, but I’m a nice guy so I wished him good luck and didn’t text Emma before he saw her to ask her out first which did cross my mind. I figured if she really did like me (which was hard for me to believe) she would say no to my friend as she knew I was interested, but she didn’t, she said yes, and then text me blaming me for the situation, saying she thought I liked her, why would I wish my friend good luck. As it transpires he asked her out saying I was fine with it and wished them all the best... not really what I said or meant. She said yes (she says) as she was put on the spot and thought I was no longer interested.

 

I told her I was crazy about her and didn’t mean that at all and really wanted to be with her, she told me the same thing and that she would dump my friend and date me. This also never happened but she did tell my friend, which made things even more awkward between us. He talked her out of it somehow. I then spent the first few months of their relationship still flirting with her and subtly trying to get her to date me instead, she also flirted and told me things like she had dreams where we were together... which is a sure fire way to mess up someone’s head if they’re crazy about something...

 

during these months I was talking to another girl online, who happened to be Emma’s best friend (which I didn’t know at the time) and complaining about how much Emma was screwing with my head and messing me around, she was sort of a sympathetic ear to my troubles. Then I found out she not only knew Emma but was her best friend and actually thought Emma was as much of a bitch as I was describing. I pretty much put my foot down eventually as I thought they aren’t going to split up and this is going to drive me crazy if I keep talking to her and she keeps telling me she would rather be with me but doing nothing. So I pretty much cut her out of my life still saw her occasionally around and about but it was fine. I also got talking more seriously with her best friend and discovered we had a lot in common. We met up a few times and I asked her on a few dates and she is now my girlfriend of 2 and a half years. She’s great and up until about a week ago I have never questioned how much I love her.

 

when I started dating my girlfriend I pretty much lost all my previous feelings for Emma, we even went on double dates and things, sometimes I would get a bit uncomfortable or something would spark an interest for me again briefly, but nothing like what I felt before and I was more than happy with my girlfriend. Emma broke up with my friend after a year (funnily enough when this friend started dating and broke up another mutual friend and his girlfriend, this is quite a weird story ) I couldn’t care less still. After I removed myself from the situation I basically decided she couldn’t have liked me that much or as much as I liked her, it would never have worked and she was basically using me, stringing me along in case it didn’t work out with my friend. She even told me she really liked me and wanted me to still be interested if she ever broke up with my friend.

 

She then dated the mutual friend briefly, they effectively swapped girlfriends for a while, but that was never serious, she then had a break for about a year and then is currently dating another of my friends and has been for about 6 months, I know she isn’t happy though. Since I stopped flirting with her and removed myself from the situation I haven’t had feelings for her and I haven’t talked to her much for years.

 

About a week ago while me and my girlfriend were talking about our early days, she told me she had been consulted by Emma on who to date, me or my friend. And that although Emma had been keener on me, she recommended my friend as he sounded more 'her type'. I wasn’t angry or anything and I didn’t think anything of it, I was more than happy with my girlfriend after all. But that night I couldn’t sleep and spent hours basically reliving all my feelings and everything I went through with Emma. And I concluded that everything was different with her to how it is with my girlfriend. Even though we never dated it felt better, sharper... I don’t really know how to describe it. I guess the only way I can even picture it to myself is my girlfriend is like the feeling of coming home to a lovely log fire on a cold night, whereas Emma is like the feeling of coming home to a firework display on a cold night, amazing, but you have to stand out in the cold.

 

Since then I’ve been questioning everything. thinking about the what ifs, thinking of starting talking to her again and seeing what happens, possibly asking her if she ever wonders what would of happened if she would have dated me instead. Questioning how much I love my girlfriend as it suddenly feels dull and bland in comparison. Even when I’m talking to my girlfriend or with her, my brain is racing trying to put all of this into perspective. And once again I’m driving myself crazy over Emma and I don’t know what to do. I don’t really want to talk to my friends about this as I’m pretty ashamed of how I feel about a friends girlfriend (again) and so I guess I’m turning anonymously to the internet for help.

 

I’m currently thinking of just letting this run its course, hoping it’s a brief obsession and will disappear again, but what if it doesn’t? I can’t stay with my girlfriend if I suddenly realise perhaps I don’t love her, I’ve just convinced myself I do, and if i really loved her it should feel 'better' somehow. But I also don’t want to hurt my girlfriend, and I’m not bold enough, stupid enough or ignorant enough to tell Emma all this and hope she splits up with her boyfriend to date me or even still has feelings for me. And that everything miraculously works out perfectly and we live happily ever after. I’m sure I’ve romanticized and idealized Emma and what we almost had a great deal, and I would probably find I hate her if I had to spend time with her or something! Guess the grass always seems greener until you take the plunge and end up with no grass.

 

I guess I’m just feeling trapped at the moment with no one to talk to, so I’m turning to anyone I can that doesn’t know me for advice. I know it probably sounds stupid and childish. It probably will for me as well when I look back on it and can finally be objective. However at the moment it feels real enough and i honestly don't know what to do!

____________________________________________________________

 

so... any advice or help to sort this out?

Ps thanks if you took the time to read the entire thing

[weeds]

YOU sound like my boyfriend!!! WHO ARE YOU.?!

[weeds]

I would really like to know who YOU ARE because you sound like MY BOYFRIEND. He does not know that I think he has feelings for this girl he never dated. Your story sounds very similar to mine so I would like to know who you are.......!!!!

[Dust]

Weeds are you hotter then the other girl?

 

As for the OP its only natural that if you let it happen you will feel more attracted to another girl. If things are going wrong with you and your gf like lack of sex or you argue a lot I’d consider ending it. If things are fine and you end it just because you are obsessed with this other girl the best you can hope for is to be in the same place you are now 2 ½ years from now.

 

You are young though so maybe you should just break up with your gf and go for it! Completely have fun with this girl. Rip her panties off with your teeth and really give it to her.

 

Or just really give it to your gf instead and forget about this other woman.

 

Either way its your call.

[weeds]

DUST- YES I AM!! And I don't think the relationship should "end" He should talk to his "GIRLFRIEND" about this. Yes it might hurt her and no she will not like what he is saying BUT communication is key in relationships. I have heard of similar situations and talking and telling her is what he should do!!

[Easyguy14]

Hi

I will split this into two parts so you don’t have to read a wall of text to help, but if you do read the entire thing rather than just the summarized version you can help me even more by knowing the entire situation and our past. I’m looking for some advice.

 

Short version

I have been dating a girl for 2 and a half years and until recently never questioned the fact that I love her. However within the last week or so I started having feelings again and being almost obsessed with a girl I have a history with (but never dated) who I always wanted to date, just before I met my current girlfriend. it’s getting to the point now where it is literally all I can think about and I really need some advice on what to do and how to deal with it. Remembering how I felt about this girl has made me question just how powerful my feelings are for my current girlfriend and things just don’t seem as 'good' in comparison. I’m not sure whether this is a phase I’m going through that I will pass out of and love my girlfriend like I did before, or whether I’ve suddenly realised I’ve simply been telling myself I love my girlfriend when my feelings aren’t that strong, or whether what I really want is this other girl (who is also currently in a relationship). Even though I have no idea how she feels about me now. I can’t really talk about this to my friends as it would sound stupid and like I’m trying to hurt my girlfriend and split up this other girl and her boyfriend, and I’m pretty ashamed of how I currently feel.

 

So help me please someone, I literally lie awake at night not being able to sleep just running everything through my head and coming out with nothing!

 

 

____________________________________________________________

long version

first off, apologies to all who read this for my spelling and grammar and probably length. But work with me here.

 

I’m currently a couple of weeks off 21, and been in a healthy and great relationship with my current and only girlfriend for 2 and a half years now. At various times it’s been long distance for a month or so at a time, as we go to different universities but it's been great. But I’m suddenly obsessed with another girl.

 

Before I started dating my girlfriend or even knew her, I was literally infatuated with another girl. Let’s call her Emma. Now Emma happens to be a friend’s sister, which is actually how we met, I guess this is a big no no, but never mind as this gets worse. I actually started talking to her as a joke, to wind up my friend (in a jokey way as guys do I suppose). However pretty quickly I discovered she was amazingly good looking (I’m fairly unattractive) and great to talk to. She was dating some other guy at the time. We just talked to each other for about a month, online, texting and also in person every other day or so as we were at the same college. And I really liked her, and told her so (which was hard for me as I’m incredibly shy). One day I invited her to a get together at a friend’s house, said I would pick her up as well as her brother, and being that it was an all guys, she was reluctant but came. At the party she obviously met all my friends, who all knew I was crazy about her and seemed to get on well with most of them, but spent most of the night talking to me.

 

One of my friends also took an interest in her and got her number, I asked him about it and he said he wouldn’t do anything and she was mine (figuratively). I now know he also text her a lot and went to see her at home a few times. I now also know she was fairly interested in both of us. She then broke up with her boyfriend, it was never serious anyway. she then told me she really liked me, and I was going to ask her out the next time I saw her, honestly couldn’t believe my luck but a couple of days later and completely out of the blue, my friend text me and told me he was on his way to see her and ask her out. I was a bit taken aback and pretty angry with him, but I’m a nice guy so I wished him good luck and didn’t text Emma before he saw her to ask her out first which did cross my mind. I figured if she really did like me (which was hard for me to believe) she would say no to my friend as she knew I was interested, but she didn’t, she said yes, and then text me blaming me for the situation, saying she thought I liked her, why would I wish my friend good luck. As it transpires he asked her out saying I was fine with it and wished them all the best... not really what I said or meant. She said yes (she says) as she was put on the spot and thought I was no longer interested.

 

I told her I was crazy about her and didn’t mean that at all and really wanted to be with her, she told me the same thing and that she would dump my friend and date me. This also never happened but she did tell my friend, which made things even more awkward between us. He talked her out of it somehow. I then spent the first few months of their relationship still flirting with her and subtly trying to get her to date me instead, she also flirted and told me things like she had dreams where we were together... which is a sure fire way to mess up someone’s head if they’re crazy about something...

 

during these months I was talking to another girl online, who happened to be Emma’s best friend (which I didn’t know at the time) and complaining about how much Emma was screwing with my head and messing me around, she was sort of a sympathetic ear to my troubles. Then I found out she not only knew Emma but was her best friend and actually thought Emma was as much of a bitch as I was describing. I pretty much put my foot down eventually as I thought they aren’t going to split up and this is going to drive me crazy if I keep talking to her and she keeps telling me she would rather be with me but doing nothing. So I pretty much cut her out of my life still saw her occasionally around and about but it was fine. I also got talking more seriously with her best friend and discovered we had a lot in common. We met up a few times and I asked her on a few dates and she is now my girlfriend of 2 and a half years. She’s great and up until about a week ago I have never questioned how much I love her.

 

when I started dating my girlfriend I pretty much lost all my previous feelings for Emma, we even went on double dates and things, sometimes I would get a bit uncomfortable or something would spark an interest for me again briefly, but nothing like what I felt before and I was more than happy with my girlfriend. Emma broke up with my friend after a year (funnily enough when this friend started dating and broke up another mutual friend and his girlfriend, this is quite a weird story ) I couldn’t care less still. After I removed myself from the situation I basically decided she couldn’t have liked me that much or as much as I liked her, it would never have worked and she was basically using me, stringing me along in case it didn’t work out with my friend. She even told me she really liked me and wanted me to still be interested if she ever broke up with my friend.

 

She then dated the mutual friend briefly, they effectively swapped girlfriends for a while, but that was never serious, she then had a break for about a year and then is currently dating another of my friends and has been for about 6 months, I know she isn’t happy though. Since I stopped flirting with her and removed myself from the situation I haven’t had feelings for her and I haven’t talked to her much for years.

 

About a week ago while me and my girlfriend were talking about our early days, she told me she had been consulted by Emma on who to date, me or my friend. And that although Emma had been keener on me, she recommended my friend as he sounded more 'her type'. I wasn’t angry or anything and I didn’t think anything of it, I was more than happy with my girlfriend after all. But that night I couldn’t sleep and spent hours basically reliving all my feelings and everything I went through with Emma. And I concluded that everything was different with her to how it is with my girlfriend. Even though we never dated it felt better, sharper... I don’t really know how to describe it. I guess the only way I can even picture it to myself is my girlfriend is like the feeling of coming home to a lovely log fire on a cold night, whereas Emma is like the feeling of coming home to a firework display on a cold night, amazing, but you have to stand out in the cold.

 

Since then I’ve been questioning everything. thinking about the what ifs, thinking of starting talking to her again and seeing what happens, possibly asking her if she ever wonders what would of happened if she would have dated me instead. Questioning how much I love my girlfriend as it suddenly feels dull and bland in comparison. Even when I’m talking to my girlfriend or with her, my brain is racing trying to put all of this into perspective. And once again I’m driving myself crazy over Emma and I don’t know what to do. I don’t really want to talk to my friends about this as I’m pretty ashamed of how I feel about a friends girlfriend (again) and so I guess I’m turning anonymously to the internet for help.

 

I’m currently thinking of just letting this run its course, hoping it’s a brief obsession and will disappear again, but what if it doesn’t? I can’t stay with my girlfriend if I suddenly realise perhaps I don’t love her, I’ve just convinced myself I do, and if i really loved her it should feel 'better' somehow. But I also don’t want to hurt my girlfriend, and I’m not bold enough, stupid enough or ignorant enough to tell Emma all this and hope she splits up with her boyfriend to date me or even still has feelings for me. And that everything miraculously works out perfectly and we live happily ever after. I’m sure I’ve romanticized and idealized Emma and what we almost had a great deal, and I would probably find I hate her if I had to spend time with her or something! Guess the grass always seems greener until you take the plunge and end up with no grass.

 

I guess I’m just feeling trapped at the moment with no one to talk to, so I’m turning to anyone I can that doesn’t know me for advice. I know it probably sounds stupid and childish. It probably will for me as well when I look back on it and can finally be objective. However at the moment it feels real enough and i honestly don't know what to do!

____________________________________________________________

 

so... any advice or help to sort this out?

Ps thanks if you took the time to read the entire thing

 

it sounds to me like you just wanna get laid and spread your seed like the great many of us do. lose the obsession or lose the girlfriend. it wont work both ways.

[OnyxSnowfall]

You certainly sound confused.

 

But... even if you were to pursue "Emma", what do you think the chances of you two working out long-term are? She seems confused as well... you will likely have to keep contending with other males... if you're not interested in something long-term though, she may be worth pursuing for you...

 

But what you're describing sounds like you are infatuated with fantasy --- with possibility --- with unveiling a mystery. Most of the time, what's revealed is rarely worth the consequences of finding out. Ask yourself what you really like about "Emma". What do you perceive to be her good qualities? Being physically attractive, "hot"... is something of a novelty that tends to wear off. When it wears off, what's the substance behind it? That's what makes a good relationship.

 

Nevertheless, your girlfriend doesn't deserve to be with someone who is lusting/desiring/wanting another girl. Especially if she's treating you well, loves you and is loyal to you --- I state especially because... if she's in the dark here and thinks things are mutual between you two (i.e, that you both love one another and are faithful physically and emotionally)... there's a good chance she's going to be hurt and perhaps feel betrayed.

 

Ultimately you gotta decide what's right for you and your girlfriend.

 

It's common for people to be attracted to others while they are in a relationship... yes, even when they love someone --- the idea is to realize other attractions for what they are: incomparable. It doesn't mean you don't love someone if you are drawn to someone else... but, it is up to you to nurture those thoughts of being drawn to someone else or to cast them aside.

 

Having a relationship with someone should be special... there should be a bond there that supersedes "chemistry" between those we do not "know"/only partially "know" and when we "commit" to someone, ideally it's because we care for them and see the meaning behind being with them. You gotta put yourself in your girlfriend's shoes too... if the roles were reversed, how would you feel?

 

When we love someone, we should express it in ways that show we care for them --- avoiding things that could wound them deeply if we have the choice.

[True2form]

*Snorts* Bugger me, Weeds is MENTAL.