lilpocky Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Well, my boyfriend has been away on a business trip in another state for the past week. He has yet to call or even text me. Even before he left, it seems like communication has been lacking between us. I asked him to talk to me to reassure me that he is still interested. He told me just to wait for him. Then...he won't text or call or even talk to me often. Then, when I say something, he seems to get irritated. He takes me out to eat at least once a week, which tells me he still loves me, but lately it's been only an hour or so. BTW, he works at the same place I do, so I know his hours are very long...at least 12 a day 5 days a week. Any idea of what may be going on that is making him detached? Could he have lost interest? I know he tells me he loves me and everything....dunno.
vsmini Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 A guy taking you out to eat once a week is not a surefire way to know if a guy loves you. Him telling you and communicating it to you in his actions is the way to know. It sounds as if you guys don't talk much at all. How is that a real relationship? Has it been established that you are in an exclusive relationship? I would be most unsatisfied in that situation.
Author lilpocky Posted July 3, 2011 Author Posted July 3, 2011 Yeah, it's been communicated that it's exclusive. The situation is more strange, since he is in a management role at work. Not my direct manager, but a manager in my workplace, none-the-less. He has been paranoid with talking with me at work, which I understand, but it hasn't helped us communicate much. Ever since work picked up and the hours at work increased over the summer months (I've been dating him for about 8mo.), he has had less and less time to spend with me. He keeps asking me to wait, since he is trying to obtain a job where he works less, but he isn't communicating with me to reassure me of his wishes to stay with me. In fact, I mostly feel ignored. Could it be that he is just stressed out and tired? Maybe he feels bad? He told me it wasn't fair to me that he can't take more time with me, but I really just want to be talked to. Even if he doesn't spend a lot of time, texting me wishing me a good morning or night would be nice. I don't understand why he's doing this this way and I don't know how to go about seeing if it'll get fixed. Should I maybe just continue to wait?
2sunny Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 i don't think he has the time or energy for a girlfriend right now. it doesn't seem balanced for your needs. tell him your feelings. i would consider dating other men. he doesn't have time - even if he does care - the timing is off. his communication style also doesn't seem aligned with your needs.
Author lilpocky Posted July 3, 2011 Author Posted July 3, 2011 I promised that I would wait it out a little bit for him, which he was happy to hear. I am going to see if things improve, in hopes that they will. Thanks for the answer. It actually cleared some of my misunderstandings up. I don't always understand what the opposite sex is thinking in relationships, and that actually eased my mind a bit. It also explained a little more what he is going through. He warned me at the beginning of the relationship that it would get hectic for him in a few months. I knew that it would, but I suppose that I didn't realize how long it would seem. It's like someone flipped a light switch. But, yeah, I'll continue to wait a little longer to see whether he wants to continue the relationship or not, and if not, I'll change directions. Thanks.
vsmini Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 (edited) Communication is a two-way street so keep in mind that you have a responsibility to make sure you communicate your needs to him as well. It sounds like he has made it very clear that his job will be taking up a lot of his time but he should still be able to call you and speak to you when he can. I'd like to preface what I'm about to say with: I know that everyone is different; but in my experience - if a guy wants to talk to you (boyfriend, husband or just dating) HE WILL. The guy I'm with works 75-80 hours a week, exhausted and finds ways to talk, call, email and see me. He calls me when he gets home for 30-40 minutes every night before he goes to bed - emails almost daily and a few short texts here and there. We see each other on the weekends. I never stated that I "required" this or that I needed it but he knew it was important in maintaining the relationship. Keep this in mind that men and women DO have time outside of work for relationships if it is a priority. It does not mean he has to do what I mentioned above but if it's what you want...you should be able to get it. It's good you can compromise but he can compromise too. Edited July 3, 2011 by vsmini
Author lilpocky Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 Thanks for the tip. Yeah, I am going to see if he'll compromise a little in the upcoming weeks. I tend to want to keep low expectations to keep myself from feeling hurt, so I don't always think that way. By the way, is it odd for a guy to react sort of annoyed when I tell him I'll miss him if he's gone for a certain period of time, ie a week? My bf gets annoyed when I tell him that and replied in an odd way, "Well, this isn't going to be easy on me, either."
2sunny Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Thanks for the tip. Yeah, I am going to see if he'll compromise a little in the upcoming weeks. I tend to want to keep low expectations to keep myself from feeling hurt, so I don't always think that way. By the way, is it odd for a guy to react sort of annoyed when I tell him I'll miss him if he's gone for a certain period of time, ie a week? My bf gets annoyed when I tell him that and replied in an odd way, "Well, this isn't going to be easy on me, either." your expectations should be high - so that he treats you in a way that makes you happy. the way it is - you are compromising YOUR happiness knowing he isn't going to participate the way you would PREFER. it's futile. you're not telling him everything you want to be happy... and he's making little effort knowing you have low expectations. are you having sex? if you are - i'd suggest not doing that anymore. he may be knowing you will have sex while he makes very little attempt to date you. none of it seems good. i wouldn't see him anymore - but that's just me. you COULD be dating someone who makes YOU their PRIORITY. you won't while you're wasting time with this half effort guy.
Author lilpocky Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 your expectations should be high - so that he treats you in a way that makes you happy. the way it is - you are compromising YOUR happiness knowing he isn't going to participate the way you would PREFER. it's futile. you're not telling him everything you want to be happy... and he's making little effort knowing you have low expectations. are you having sex? if you are - i'd suggest not doing that anymore. he may be knowing you will have sex while he makes very little attempt to date you. I actually have told him a few times that I need him to communicate to make me feel more like I'm wanted. He said he would. A few times he had told me specifically that he'd call me over a certain span of time and he just didn't. We did have sex during the beginning of the relationship, but he hasn't even asked lately, since he seems tired and stressed out a lot. I'm guessing he didn't want the relationship to be primarily about sex, so I'm not really worried about that.
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