How to not get psyched out on cold approaches

[ivalm]

Cold approaching girls is something I could never quite do, and I feel this is severely limiting me. On one hand, I am a grad student/22yo on a campus with 10k+ women in my age range, on the other hand, my social circle lately has turned essentially all male (as in, I don't have any female friends, and there are only two females that I have even limited interactions with). So I feel now, more than ever, I need to cold approach women, but every time I want to do it I get psyched out.

 

I'm OK with talking up to new women in social circumstances, I'm also OK with smiling and making direct eye contact with random people, but I can't bring myself to actually come up to a random attractive woman and start a conversation from nothing. I often find some logistical reason (we're going opposite ways, she has headphones on, etc) why I can't approach a particular person, but honestly even if I don't find a logistics based excuse, I still have trouble.

 

What concrete steps can I take to build up confidence or to somehow avoid this self-psyching. I don't think that advice "just go up to her" is going to be very useful. Rather, are there some things to slowly "increase exposure" so to speak?

Edited June 30, 2011 by ivalm

[iJester]

You should start doing one or some activities where you will meet more women, so you don't have to "cold" approach. Also, wherever the **** you got that term "cold approach", don't go there anymore. Sounds like you've been reading a book or something..stop!

 

You have to start an activity where there will be girls and you have to get good at that, if there isn't something you're already good at. That's where the confidence comes from, success. It could be anything, hiking, yoga, coed soccer/softball.

 

What are you studying in school?

[ivalm]

You should start doing one or some activities where you will meet more women, so you don't have to "cold" approach. Also, wherever the **** you got that term "cold approach", don't go there anymore. Sounds like you've been reading a book or something..stop!

 

You have to start an activity where there will be girls and you have to get good at that, if there isn't something you're already good at. That's where the confidence comes from, success. It could be anything, hiking, yoga, coed soccer/softball.

 

What are you studying in school?

 

"Cold approach" is a term I learned from LS

 

Seriously, the issue is that I'm a PhD student in physics -- my former class mates (no longer taking classes, only research now) are male, my lab mates are male, almost everyone in the building I work in is male. I do some coed activity (taking salsa/etc, I am not good relative to people who really know how to dance, but I'm probably better than the absolute majority of guys in general) but frankly I find that at least in that particular group girls are either with bf or unattractive. I guess with new people coming in the summer we'll see if things change. I work out in the gym 4-5 times a week, but there most people have headphones and generally I don't know how to start a conversation (esp since girls are mostly on treadmills/elliptical and those are spaced just enough to make conversations awkward). I'm going to start lap-swimming soon now that the weather is nice and toasty, but still from my previous experience that's not a good place to approach people.

 

I also have finite amount of time. Between working in the lab 50-60 hours/week, spending in the gym 5+ hours/week, dancing 1-2 hour/week, swimming a couple (yet to see what it turns out to be) hours a week I really don't have time for more activities (and I might start playing soccer with some friends soon, but it'll be all guys I already know). So it's not that I have no activities, it's that I really don't get exposed to female company... Not exactly sure what I can do.

 

I *think* my best option is to learn to approach people I don't know on the street, because THERE ARE a lot of girls out there, but I can never muster enough courage quickly enough.

 

In undergrad I always had general ed/etc classes that had girls so it was never that hard to strike up a conversation.. but now I'm like in a "work" environment that is devoid of female company. I'm sure at the end of the day the problem is in "me" since other people in my situation clearly date. Anyways, I need to solve/fix the "me" issue

Edited July 1, 2011 by ivalm

[ivalm]

really no suggestions?

[motive2002]

I think a cold approach is by far the hardest. Hence the term "cold".

Women have to be careful, and feel secure in their surroundings. If you cold approach a woman on the street you're likely to be met with a lot of resistance. Only the hardiest of Don Juans have the cojones to pull off something like that.

So that's basically what it will take... and the only way to prefect a cold approach like that is to stick your neck out once in a while.

 

I like your term "increase exposure". That's a very good idea. Maybe there's a girl you see at a bus stop at fairly regular intervals.. something like that. People are creatures of habit and routine. Once you become a part of that routine, the cold approach is a little less icy. You're at least a familiar face to them. A part of their day.

 

I'm going off on a limb here.. but there are two variations on a phrase that will start the ice breaking in a somewhat non-threatening way.. perhaps to illicit some kind of conversation.

Those are:

 

"Excuse me".. and it's cousin.. "Pardon me".

It's polite. It's respectful.. and it's also a good BS way to open a conversation that could lead in any direction from there. Could be asking the time of day... or which is the next bus.. or any other crap you can come up with.

It's obvious to most women that we're just trying to make time, so don't worry about that. The right girl will be flattered. If she isn't interested, she'll likely be polite back, since that's how the whole thing started. A polite conversation.

 

You've got nothing to lose. How to ask her out after you've had mundane conversation about the weather.. well I'll leave that up to you.

[ivalm]

I think a cold approach is by far the hardest. Hence the term "cold".

Women have to be careful, and feel secure in their surroundings. If you cold approach a woman on the street you're likely to be met with a lot of resistance. Only the hardiest of Don Juans have the cojones to pull off something like that.

So that's basically what it will take... and the only way to prefect a cold approach like that is to stick your neck out once in a while.

 

I like your term "increase exposure". That's a very good idea. Maybe there's a girl you see at a bus stop at fairly regular intervals.. something like that. People are creatures of habit and routine. Once you become a part of that routine, the cold approach is a little less icy. You're at least a familiar face to them. A part of their day.

 

I'm going off on a limb here.. but there are two variations on a phrase that will start the ice breaking in a somewhat non-threatening way.. perhaps to illicit some kind of conversation.

Those are:

 

"Excuse me".. and it's cousin.. "Pardon me".

It's polite. It's respectful.. and it's also a good BS way to open a conversation that could lead in any direction from there. Could be asking the time of day... or which is the next bus.. or any other crap you can come up with.

It's obvious to most women that we're just trying to make time, so don't worry about that. The right girl will be flattered. If she isn't interested, she'll likely be polite back, since that's how the whole thing started. A polite conversation.

 

You've got nothing to lose. How to ask her out after you've had mundane conversation about the weather.. well I'll leave that up to you.

 

That's the problem, I don't really have these kinds of situations. I drive to and from where I live (which is off campus and my neighbors are twice my age), I eat lunch with people I know (who are all guys), I spend all of my work time inside a building where girls don't go, and the only routine I do have where I currently have exposure to girls is in the gym, but the only people I see there regularly are other guys (with some of whom I do talk occasionally and am on friendly terms). It seems girls don't generally keep a regular work-out schedule or at least vary it by more than an hour (and at any rate, my schedule fluctuates by about an hour or two, so it's mostly people who stay there 2-3 hours at a time that I see regularly). I know it must all sound pretty pathetic.. but somehow I need to overcome this...

Edited July 1, 2011 by ivalm

[motive2002]

That's the problem, I don't really have these kinds of situations. I drive to and from where I live (which is off campus and my neighbors are twice my age), I eat lunch with people I know (who are all guys), I spend all of my work time inside a building where girls don't go, and the only routine I do have where I currently have exposure to girls is in the gym, but the only people I see there regularly are other guys (with some of whom I do talk occasionally and am on friendly terms). It seems girls don't generally keep a regular work-out schedule or at least vary it by more than an hour (and at any rate, my schedule fluctuates by about an hour or two, so it's mostly people who stay there 2-3 hours at a time that I see regularly). I know it must all sound pretty pathetic.. but somehow I need to overcome this...

Maybe you simply don't have time to date. The only way to get anywhere with this is to change your surroundings or behavior to some degree. What you're doing now isn't working.

Have you looked into meetup groups? How's your social networking? The internet could be a good tool here to meet people if your life is otherwise busy.

 

I prefer meeting people face to face, but I can't deny that stuff like facebook, meetup or any of the dating sites have potential.

[Nexus One]

This is my "style" of a cold approach:

 

Me: Hi what's your name? (or: Hey can I ask your name?) *smiling while saying it*

Her: *says her name*

Me: Are you single? (boyfriend check, there's no way around this when doing a cold approach when you're decent. I do it this early, because delaying it will only complicate things.)

Her: I am. (If she says: I have a boyfriend. Then I for example say: Oh man, tough luck for me, haha. Ok I'll leave it at this then, have a nice day *insert her name*. (say this kind of with a laughing tone while you smile as not to make it too awkward, because lets face it you're disappointed if she's taken)

Me: Can I have your number? Because I'd like to get to know you and would like to go on a date with you to see if there's chemistry between us. (When you ask for a number, pull out your cellphone and hold it chest-high in front of her. It's kind of a trick, which is not really what I like to do, but it tends to trigger a reflex for her to take the phone and type in her number.)

 

Might ask some more questions about her and talk a little about myself. Make sure you focus on asking about her and don't talk too much about yourself. Why this direct approach? Because it's the most genuine/honest one I know. It's clear, obvious and there are no games involved. (except for the phone trick, but that trick does make things a bit easier)

 

I've even seen some guys not even bothering with talking to a girl while cold approaching her. They just pull out their cellphone and hold it in front of her. Then the girl/woman asks, "what's that" and the guy says, "my phone, can I have your number?" And it worked. It's possible that it helps if you have a nice phone. The guy that I saw doing this had a white Blackberry, not sure if that matters at all, but it seemed to work for him.

Edited July 1, 2011 by Nexus One

[ivalm]

This is my "style" of a cold approach:

 

Me: Hi what's your name? (or: Hey can I ask your name?) *smiling while saying it*

Her: *says her name*

Me: Are you single? (boyfriend check, there's no way around this when doing a cold approach when you're decent. I do it this early, because delaying it will only complicate things.)

Her: I am. (If she says: I have a boyfriend. Then I for example say: Oh man, tough luck for me, haha. Ok I'll leave it at this then, have a nice day *insert her name*. (say this kind of with a laughing tone while you smile as not to make it too awkward, because lets face it you're disappointed if she's taken)

Me: Can I have your number? Because I'd like to get to know you and would like to go on a date with you to see if there's chemistry between us. (When you ask for a number, pull out your cellphone and hold it chest-high in front of her. It's kind of a trick, which is not really what I like to do, but it tends to trigger a reflex for her to take the phone and type in her number.)

 

Might ask some more questions about her and talk a little about myself. Make sure you focus on asking about her and don't talk too much about yourself. Why this direct approach? Because it's the most genuine/honest one I know. It's clear, obvious and there are no games involved. (except for the phone trick, but that trick does make things a bit easier)

 

I've even seen some guys not even bothering with talking to a girl while cold approaching her. They just pull out their cellphone and hold it in front of her. Then the girl/woman asks, "what's that" and the guy says, "my phone, can I have your number?" And it worked. It's possible that it helps if you have a nice phone. The guy that I saw doing this had a white Blackberry, not sure if that matters at all, but it seemed to work for him.

 

@motive2002: lots of people with schedules as busy as mine date, thus I don't think I'm too busy to date. I AM too busy to have many more activities on top of my current ones. At any rate, I did date earlier this year and my load was pretty much the same as it is now. It's that I have long time between meeting new girls, so when my last thing ended I stayed single for 5 months now.

 

@Nexus one, thank you!

 

This sounds interesting. So I SHOULDN'T try to make small talk prior to asking her if she has a boyfriend? I feel like most girls would say "none of your business creepy random dude" until they feel some rapport... How many bewildered replies do you get or is it all either "sorry no thanks" or "here is my number"? I have a very plain looking phone that I got for free with my plan so no white blackberries At any rate, I'm pretty sure anyone I could potentially like wouldn't really care about my phone....

Edited July 1, 2011 by ivalm