Not what was supposed to happen...

[blueflame53]

About 17 years ago, my sister brought over a new friend she had met. We'll call her "Jessica"..I was 14 at the time and she was 10 well over the years Jessica and my sister remained friends and I fell in love with Jessica. I asked her out a few times but she didn't view me as "datable". Well one night my sister was killed by a drunk driver and Jessica and I became very close, but she still wouldn't give a chance. Well fast forward 15 years...she has gotten married and has 2 children who adore me, I become "friends" with her husband just to keep her in my life even though it tears me apart because I honestly cannot picture life without her in it. Well one night her and I go out and we get to talking and find out that over the years she has mutual feelings but can't get a divorce because she went through a very bad one with her parents and doesn't want to put her children through the same. I'm not going to lie,we did and still are having an affair with her..but please don't call me a home wrecker,all her husband wants is a pretty little thing barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen,,i know because he's told me..imagine having to sit there and not say anything when he's talking about the girl you love,he cant even play with his own son. Well this past weekend it was just us and the kids and I got to see what it could be like...which was a mistake..I'm totally lost now, She is the first person i think about in the morning and the last before I go to bed..I sat and cried for two hours holding the shirt she slept in. All I want to do is wake up with her, there is an aura about us when were together, that everybody can see. And as stereotypical as it sounds I honestly cannot live without her,I've been trying to say goodbye for the past ten years.. I cant. I cant date anyone because I can't commit myself 100% to anybody but her and that wouldn't be fair to anyone. I'm even willing to wait until her kids are 18 and that's 15 years away. Everyday is nothing but pain and me trying to accept the fact that I'll never be with her and failing. Its effecting my entire life. Please help.

[east coast edward]

......I fell in love with Jessica....... Well this past weekend it was just us and the kids and I got to see what it could be like...which was a mistake..I'm totally lost now, She is the first person i think about in the morning and the last before I go to bed......... Everyday is nothing but pain and me trying to accept the fact that I'll never be with her and failing. Its effecting my entire life. Please help.

 

Oh Blueflame..... you are in a terrible state and i feel your pain. It was a mistake to stay there, and it wasn't.

 

I can't possibly offer any constructive advice with the pain. But there is something you might consider, almost as a project.

 

You need the following.

 

(1) Someone who will listen dispassionately, not someone involved but an honest party who will take all parties interests into accounts. You need to trust this person.

 

(2) You need a break, a holiday or a trip away. The purpose of this is not to break away from her, but to help you to resolve issues and possible causes of action in a clear mental state.

 

(3) Be prepared for an honest third party (possibly (1) above) to talk to her - as a friend.

 

Without burdening her, you have to de-burden yourself. I think that you have to give yourself space, and possibly the counselling of someone you trust to attempt and resolve the following:

 

A/ What is her interest?

 

B/ What is the children's interest?

 

C/ Is the husband a lost cause, really? Or do you just wish him to be?

 

D/ Are you prepared to accept a life in a complicated situation where you may be the father to his children, in a situation where he is hostile.

 

Try to analyse this - totally dispassionately. What is the children's interest. What is their relationship with their father? It is possible that they would be better off not living with him, but this is a really difficult one for you (or her) to call. Her history of suffering when her parents divorced sets a high threshold on this, but there is no doubt that a point could be reached where you are a home-maker rather than a home breaker.

 

Decide how you want to deal with him. How would he react, whatever happens he should be treated with consideration even though he is a creep. Try to create a rational plan to deal with his discovery of your affair. Remember you are not a man (potentially) stealing another's wife, you are witnessing the woman you love (and have loved for a long time) being (very badly) mistreated. But be sure you validate this, ie this is not just your feeling, but a fact.

 

Take time away, say 2 weeks. Go to the beach, the hills, NYC or Florida (assuming you are US). Middle of France, somewhere like the Creuse ar the Alpes Maritime if you are in Europe/UK. The place needs to allow you to have a clear mind, but have enough distractions (like scenery - bars) that you're not always thinking of her.

 

You are up to the point where your work will be devastated. Bite the built and confide in a line-manger if necessary ask for compassionate leave. Indicate that the person in (1) is assisting you as a confident, counsellor, project manager.

 

At some point you must get to the point where there are a couple off rational courses of action with the pros and cons indicated. Test these courses of action with (1) and if necessarily others. Make sure (and take care) that her interest is paramount, and that her possible reaction and feelings are correctly reflected in the scenarios. At this stage it can't be about you.

 

You will boil down to a couple of tracks. At this stage ether you (1) or both should talk to her. Never, I mean NEVER give her an ultimatum or a closed decision. But, indicate that there are courses of action and indicate that there is time to rationally consider. Possibly but a target of nine months to reach a conclusion.

 

Carry-on your affair*, infact make it as passionate and loving as you can. Do not indicate to her that you will end the affair if she refuses to leave her husband. Don't smother her, but just be with her and love her. But, understand the point at which you would be damaged beyond your point to be able to provide for her - and if necessary admit your pain to her at this point. Rather than cry, try to save up your emotional energy to make love with her, but never us her as a sexual relief. Sex between you has always got to be focused on her pleasure. You are not competing with her husband, you are just a better man than him. (*At some point stop regarding this as an affair but a natural liaison between people who love each other.

 

Be prepared, the resolution may well be un-clear in the medium long term. She may want to carry on being married, but have you as her partner. You may well be preparing yourself to be "the other man" effectively for the rest of your life, just be prepared for that. I have to say it doesn't sound though that you would be number-2

 

Best wishes. Keep posting......

 

PS Make sure a small subset of your friends are aware of what is going on and will help you whatever way.

 

PS/2 Find a separate honest broker - a senior family member perhaps who could act as an honest broker, or a back-channel between you if emotions cause a fuse to blow between you.

 

PS/3 Keep your faith.

 

Other people have suffered this, and are suffering now. I'm lost in the raw heat of the Texan desert, but in a couple of days time its the familiar sights of the Bath Road Hotels, the 23cm radar head ......

Edited June 30, 2011 by east coast edward

[lilmunsta]

if she had mutual feelings for you why didnt she just get with you when you asked?

[blueflame53]

She didnt realize her feelings until she was married....unfortuntely.

[blueflame53]

I completely agree,it was a terrible mistake to stay there but sadly my heart left me no choice. Your advice was more consrtuctive then you think. The problem being is that I really don't have anyone to talk to about this my next closest friend is her husbands cousin. Thats part of the reason I joned this site, I just cant keep all these emotions bottled up inside. My heart/mind sees not being with her as an immpsibilty. And your right, I do need a break but its so hard to not be around her as much as possible. I can't expect anybody to ever understand what and how "jessica" and I are together,and I know this may sound cliche' but its like were not a whole person unless were with each other. Everybody I know..excluding the obvious people think we should be together including her mother and father. And yes, a de-burdening would be great right now. Her interest is the children and don't want the children to grow up without a father, I love them like they were my own. And yes the husband is a total lost cause. My words cannot do justice in describing him but i'll give you an example... Theyre vehicle,the one that carries his children and wife in by the way..was in horrible need of brakes I brought this to his attention seeing I work on cars for a living. He said "I don't have the money" I told him I would do the work for free if he got the parts...and was rejected. a couple weeks later "Jessica" calls me crying her eyes out because the rear brakes totally desintegrated on the highway, I rush to her and pick her up and wait for the tow truck.. blah blah blah. Getting to the point.. we pull up in the driveway and her husband is walking up to the door with a brand new PS3 he bought for himself... I hope that puts into perspective what kind of person he is. So in short I do wish him to be a lost cause and he actually is. As far as his reaction..it would be bad at first...to the point where Jessica and the kids shouldnt be anywhere around. Of course maybe I would be de-burdening him. I never really did consider it as an affair and now thanks to you I have a termonology for it. And yes, I know I will be the other man and am prepared to accept that fact until possibly although very unlikely the divorce papers are drawn up. I want to thank you for very helpful advice and greatly look forward to hearing back from you

[east coast edward]

It wasn't a mistake to stay with her. It was and it wasn't, you understand more of what you are missing, but you two will also have bonded to an extent.

 

Just give it time and be there for her.

 

The problem being is that I really don't have anyone to talk to about this my next closest friend is her husbands cousin. ....... I just cant keep all these emotions bottled up inside..........

 

This is a problem.

 

I know this because I have lost multiple friends because they dion't want to be burdened with my stuff over a different, but not dissimilar situation to yours.

 

Keeping bottled-up is the worst thing. Actually, I too found this forum useful. I'd got to the point where I couldn't focus on anything, and even the stupidest things in life stopped me concentrating. An air-brake failure on a freight train managed to delay the train that I was on for 2 hours. So, rather than go to the meeting that I was supposed to go to, I found a coffe bar and posted on here. A lot then began to go well.

 

The point is - you have to talk, you have to un-burden.

 

Even if you can't face it. Keep posting. Web blogs and the like work in a way that is more than just writing a letter to yourself. For a start, to post you have to rationalise. And that means that you are forced to rationase to yourself.

 

I'm sorry to be boring about validation.. But the point is this, if you can't talk to a sounding board who you trust to take a contrary but sympathetic view, then you have to consider the contrary arguments yourself.

 

You said that you couldn't take time away. You have to. If your mission is to support and love her, then fine. But remember, you yourself have to be in a fit state to do this. Is there a friend in another country that you can visit? (If you are in the States then obviously means more than get out of the state - I'd say cross the country - If you want to de-focus a good way to do this is on Amtrak, they have Sam Adams in the buffet car! You don't need to travel, you need a journey! - If you are in Britain then head off to a remote hilly part of France where the booze is cheap and there are no British papers! Don't go to Spain, there are too many bloody Brits.)

 

Everybody I know..excluding the obvious people think we should be together including her mother and father......Her interest is the children and don't want the children to grow up without a father, I love them like they were my own.

 

I know the feeling. What is the children's relationship with their father like? From what you've already said its not that good? Is this why her parents wish you were in their family.

 

There is risk in this, so be very careful..... but the natural person to confide in.... is her mother. BUT BE VERY CAUTIOUS. What is your relationship with her parents like? Do your parents know her parents? Ie, how close are the families?

 

You see what I'm saying. You can never impinge on her relationship with her parents, especially the mother. But, it important that they know that your feelings towards their daughter and grand-children are caring and nurturing. The fact that you now have a relationship with her isn't something you want to divulge to them, but if they out from her or through circumstances and didn't object, then that's a very powerful point in your favour.

 

And yes the husband is a total lost cause.

 

You've convinced me, but you should validate this to yourself. Is this really true? If it is, how does she really feel?

 

You and her are lovers, so you get close. This isn't a time to question her, but you have to read her empathetically. Is it totally about the childred, ar are there residual feeling for him. To be honest, on the basis of waht you've said I doubt that there are many feelings from her toward him beyond inertial ones. I'm reading that the case is probably that her feeling toward you are driven by a realisation that she made a mistake in marriage, but that her experience or culture is preventing her form fully acknowledging this.

 

May I ask a personal question about her? You may not want to answer, but possibly consider yourself. What is her religion? Is there a strong religious belief in the family.

 

I never really did consider it as an affair and now thanks to you I have a terminology for it. And yes, I know I will be the other man and am prepared to accept that fact.......

 

It sounds like more than an affair. The husbands attitude sounds such as he's almost certainly no good in bed with her. I bet he's had other women on the side as well, she probably knows or suspects.

 

It sounds like you are the main relationship she has. Be very careful about this though. It isn't about your need to be around her, nice as that is, when you're with her - forget it. At that point your mission is to be comforting solid and safe rock that she needs. Irrespective of how weak or emotionally torn up you are - you are there for her! She's turned to you because you give her strength and make her feel human.

 

Don't be afraid of telling her that you love her when you are intimate. But never burden her with this, your love is a protective blanket, not a straight jacket.

 

Maintaining an intimate relationship, even if it is occasional is the most important thing. don't jeopardise it.

 

The nomenclature is bunk. Affair, boyfriend, other-man, effective husband in waiting. I'm sure that the French have a better term for it.

 

Best wishes and rgds

Edited July 1, 2011 by east coast edward