vsmini Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Curious about RED FLAGS. I know hindsight is 20/20 after you've been dumped or after you've dumped them so I'm curious - what red flags did you actually see but ignored because you were so desperate to be happy and "in love" with them that you made the choice to fly right by those flags? I love Tyler Perry's Aunt Madea and how she says "Don't sit there and tell me you never saw no sign - there is ALWAYS a sign - you just choose to ignore it." Yea - sounds about right. Red flags that I ignored -When he said, "I don't know if a relationship is right for me because with it, comes certain obligations and I never want to feel obligated to do anything - I want it all to be genuine and in the moment." PAINFUL to admit that I allowed that one. I wanted to be the girl to change his mind. Sigh - - When I found out he was denying being out with me when friends would ask him where he went the previous weekend he said "I just want my friends to view me as independent and not as someone's boyfriend." Again - painful. The guy is gone - out - goodbye. Has been for a year now. Ooopf! The lessons I learned. Now....I practically carry binoculars in my pocket to look out for red flags and make sure I get out when I see them. How about you? Guys? Girls? Everyone.
Ginger Beer Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Here's a couple: We were at the stage of sending each other nice texts, she'd tell me she loved me, I was perfect for her, nobody else mattered etc... strong stuff. She said ''I don't want a boyfriend at the minute, I like things how they are''. I also told her her ex tried to get with a girl I was interested in while he was with her, when he found out she said ''we can only carry on being close if *ex's name* doesn't find out, he said if I speak to you again he will ignore me forever and I don't want to lose you or him''. That one still hurts to this day, I was an idiot for letting her do that to me.
spiderowl Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 (edited) Him not exhibiting any empathy towards my kids, though he tried to. Thanking me for a meal I made in a polite rather than enthusiastic tone (he was a foodie snob). Walking ahead of me rather than beside me. I thought at the time it was because he was much taller, which he was, but now I that wasn't all. Him getting angry because I asked him to move his car slightly so as not to park in the nieghbour's space. Even though she didn't use it, I knew it would upset her, but he was furious. Road rage, not exactly violent but definitely very jumpy and angry with people, even though he never got out of the car. Reluctance to put his heating on even though I was cold. Impatience when waiting for me after a misunderstanding about a meeting time. It was the first time he picked me up from somewhere. He behaved like he was under duress when helping me. I wasn't the kind of person to ask for help either so it was unusual. Had frequent contact with an ex FWB who was now just a friend. I think she was just a friend but there was still a tie there that meant he was happy communicating with her several times a day. Anger about his ex that still rose up every so often. Hadn't come to terms with it and the feelings obviously hadn't faded. Seeming unconcerned when his work meant that someone got sacked for incompetence. "He was incompetent, it's his own fault" type of reaction. It bothered me. Not talking nicely about the waiting staff at a restaurant and feeling he had to make a fuss for being kept waiting. Asking me if I had ever enjoyed being tied up! Giving me a running commentary on our sex life. I felt it showed he was a bit remote. Should have paid attention ... Edited June 30, 2011 by spiderowl
EyeAlone Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 -He had no friends -Criminal record -History of drug abuse -Blamed everyone else if something didn't go his way -If I didn't do something right, the world was going to end. If he didn't do it right, then it's okay. Yeah, I know...
bikinibeach Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 - admitted to having a "soft spot" for his single, depressed and needy ex - said that he felt responsible for her happiness......and then moments later suggested he thought she would be sad forever....!! - looked into my eyes and whined "but she's my BEST FRIEND!!!" when i told him i felt weird about him hanging out with her more often than me - we were looking up a movie together online and his email flashed on. of course, my eyes right away flew to a message from "cougarlove.com". i asked him why it was there, he said he never went on it anymore and that they kept spamming him. ...then i asked why the email had been opened!!! APPARENTLY, HE DIDN'T KNOW!! - had another girl friend who used to have him over for tea til 11 oclock at night. told him i wasn't ok with that and he said he would stop. a week later we were talking and he convinced me. i said, alright i can be okay with it for now. he goes "oh good because i was at her house last night and didn't want to tell you" - actually flat out said to me "whether or not a person is able to hold a steady job or not is not the most important thing in life" i thought he was joking and laughed. he wasn't. - kicked me out of bed one morning to run to his ex's office to have lunch with her, for no special reason. oh man, i have to stop at some point or i will type my fingers to the bone..... - asked me to be his girlfriend on the second date - acted miffed as we left the restaurant after our first lunch together, turns out he is used to going dutch and not willing to change. lol - didn't answer texts from before noon till after 10 pm. keep in mind that this was during a period where he was unemployed. ahem. ....okay, there will have to be a part two. but yeah, that was the dumbest i've ever been in my entire life in existing on this planet.
Cee Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 -He had no friends -Criminal record -History of drug abuse -Blamed everyone else if something didn't go his way -If I didn't do something right, the world was going to end. If he didn't do it right, then it's okay. Yeah, I know... I'm not one to throw stones. My ex husband was a recovering heroin addict on probation. He never used drugs during our relationship, but he did have an affair. The red flags I ignored during him cheating were: -Offering to handle bill paying (to hide the affair) -Lost interest in sex entirely -All of the sudden was holding Viagra (despite us not having sex) -He started telling me stories about this woman friend he had. I wasn't suspicious because she was married. (And because I was dense). Oh yes, I was so stupid that I must have deliberately denied the truth that was in front of me. What's interesting is that I left him even before finding out about the affair. His indifference to me was intolerable so I left him. And he played the victim crying that I was unfair to him. Ugh, never again.
USCGAviator Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Red flags before marriage 1. We broke up so she could sleep with someone else....then got mad when I found another girl. 2. Dreamer girl. White picket fence, peaches and cream, life is easy attitude After marriage Dreamer turned spoiled. I slowly spent 9 yrs battling for my own identity in the marriage. Over the last year of our marriage she became irate that she never gets to drive the family around town simply because her best friend gets to with her family... Not in my car your not. We have assigned seats
tigressA Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 --Frequently checking his phone/talking to other people while we were out on a date --Checking out other women right in front of me and commenting on them --Always asking me to give him oral while he never put his tongue anywhere near my p*ssy (selfish) --Trying to pressure me into anal sex --Blaming me for all the drama in our relationship --Berating me for being naive, stupid, mean, and painting himself as the victim (verbally/emotionally abusive) --Suspicious story about a woman he was 'friends' with--he had been cheating on me with her the whole time, I found out later --Suspicious FB activity between him and said woman --Asked me to not "be so aggressive" on his FB, and didn't want to make our relationship public. Introduced me to his friends as his friend and frequently shunned even the slightest PDA
Ruby Slippers Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Here's my greatest hits, wrangled together after 14 years in long-term relationships: High School He was an ******* to everyone but me. I felt special because he was so nice to me... until he started being an ******* to me, too. College His mother was psycho and controlling. Of course, in spite of this, to him she was a saint. To his credit, he did stand up to her and defend me when things got sticky.Our sex life never really clicked. The times it did were short lived.He would go on about how pretty he thought some of my friends were. After College His mother, again, was a soul-sucking dead weight. But to him she was a helpless victim and a saint, and still is. His family was way too up in his business in general.He manipulated me into doing things that benefited him and made my life harder.He told me "white lies" repeatedly. Early 30s He admitted he had always struggled with commitment and had broken off two engagements.He had roving eyes, and I never felt secure with him. These days, I'm feeling like all I've ever managed to attract are losers and *******s. Blah.
Woggle Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Her casual drug use which then spiraled into full blown addiction Constantly told me how I was the only good man she met and the rest of us were scum Had a history of drama with men Never blamed herself for anything I don't know what the hell I ever saw in her.
Enchanted Girl Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 1. We were in a long distance relationship and years into it, he refused to move here or allow me to move there, even when I begged him. He'd say,"Just let me finish school" and then purposefully take classes that didn't contribute to his degree to keep dragging his feet about our relationship. 2. He said he wanted an open relationship. 3. I told him that I wanted to sexual please him more so that we could be closer and I got on webcam and started pulling off his clothes. He screamed at me that I was being a selfish bitch for making him watch me get undressed on webcam when he was hungry. I started crying and he told me that he wasn't going to cater to my sexual needs just to relieve my insecurity and that it was disgusting that I would strip for him just because I was insecure. 4. He lied to me about important things. He said he didn't want to ever drink, smoke, or look at porn because it was immoral and then I found out later that he was doing all those things for years and lying to me about it. It wasn't that he did those things, the problem was that he lied about it. 5. He'd go out with friends 5-7 times a week, even when I was crying and upset. 6. He never celebrated anything with me. Our yearly anniversaries fell on his best friends birthday and he'd choose his best friend over me and not make it up to me later. We never once celebrated an anniversary. 7. He called me pathetic and his bitch and told his friends,"Look how desperate she is to please me. She'll do whatever I say." Then he'd ask me to bark like a dog and do tricks and I'd do it. 8. He never got jealous, even when his best friend got on webcam with me and was naked and I had no idea ahead of time. He asked me if I liked it. And more, go to go for now.
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