Another emotional affair?

[Minnie09]

This situation sucks. You know he's been up to something, and so does he. But because they haven't had sex, and because he hasn't been hiding things, he denies that the friendship is inappropriate. You and him both know that this is bull****. He doesn't respect you enough to actually hear you and listen to you, and to acknowledge his problems. As I said above, it's probably because he doesn't want to and doesn't have to.*

 

Now, unfortunately this means that you have to act. I was in the exact same situation, including the very painful fact that he was the one doing all the pursuing (and her being the one leaning back in a relaxed manner, enjoying all the attention, free lunches and drinks, while I was sitting at home trying to figure out how to open his eyes and save the M). Only difference: it had been one and the same woman for years and years and years. And seriously, what bothered me the most was the lack of disrespect, his messed up priorities (me versus her) and his lack of introspection. He never admitted to anything. He was in denial. He was being used by her. He never saw it.

 

Soooooooo....there's no way out other than standing your ground. No whining, no begging, no crying. Tell him what you know. Tell him calmly that you understand why he's behaving the way he's behaving (need for validation and whatnot). Tell him he needs to get his priorities straight. Tell him you believe he needs help/counseling. Don't do MC. You're not the cause of the problem at this point. If he wants to be in this M, he needs to fix himself, walk the extra mile and show you that he is trying to be a better man. Be matter-of-factly. You want this M to work. He needs to demonstrate his willingness to change. That's all. Tell him that you want to be married to an adult and that his actions will be hurting himself the most. Don't be afraid to speak up.

 

I wish you good luck. Oh, and btw, I had to separate. They never stopped pursuing their secret EA and are still feeding each other's egos.

 

Don't bitch at him. Speak calmly. If you have to, write it down for him so he can read your words in a less emotionally charged environment, but demand a response of some sort. Guys like him and my ex are quite happy do wipe things under the rug, hoping that the other party may forget about the whole thing sooner or later, so they can go about their "business" again later, in a more undisturbed manner.

[KathyM]

About six years ago when my husband was a college student he had what I felt was an emotional affair with a classmate. It started out with them doing a paper together. At first I thought nothing of it but saw some of their conversations and they seemed a bit flirty. I put it out of my mind, until they went out for drinks a couple of times (to work on their paper), started having lunches, texting... red flags started going off for me that this was becoming too close for comfort. He talked about her all of the time as well, telling me how nice and funny she was.

 

It almost ended our marriage, because when I put the ultimatum to him that he either stopped contacting her outside of class or I would leave he flipped out.

 

We've had many conversations over the years about what happened and I thought he was clear on my position when it comes to having friends of the opposite sex. Apparently not.

 

He began working last February after years of being unemployed (to finish school.) Starting about a month ago he began telling me about this woman he works with. She's intelligent, funny and they get along. Great.. nothing about this worries me. Starting about a couple of weeks ago I noticed they were texting each other and going out to lunch almost on a daily basis. I confronted him about this and he said there is absolutely nothing to worry about, she has a boyfriend (though she's been divorced twice) and they just get along so well because she has a similar sense of humor and is an ally in the office.

 

Last week he bought me flowers (he's been buying them for me every week all of a sudden, not normal for him) and mentioned she was with him when he was buying them. They were walking around a farmers market and having lunch. Okay, he's buying flowers for me in front of her - clearly this is a good sign that he is happy with me and she knows it.

 

A week ago they became facebook friends. They've been posting on each others walls everyday. She posted a picture of him holding the flowers he purchased and joked he must be in the dog house (he was sticking out his lower lip in the pic as well.) Also, they've been doing office pranks on each other all week and posting about these.

 

She also told him how mad she was someone had tagged her in some facebook pics. I looked at these pics and she's bending over, and wearing a halter top that shows her midriff. They were sexy pics, and she's showing him these.

 

I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach. I don't have it in me to fight this time. I also don't want to confront him too much because at this point he is telling me most of this stuff and I know the moment I do confront him that will stop. Texts will be erased, etc. And since they work together and interact there I will never know.

 

I'm so angry and bottling this up inside. What would you do in my shoes?

This is an emotional affair he is having with his co-worker. You have to establish firm boundaries with him and enforce them. You have to put a stop to this right away. Tell him pointblank that you do not approve of him doing this, and it is a violation of your marriage. Insist that he defriend her on facebook and that he stop going to lunches and other functions with her that are not work-related. She should also not be texting him or calling him or Emailing him. Not appropriate, and a violation of your marriage. If he is unwilling to set those boundaries, then he has made a choice to value relationships with other women more than his relationship with his wife. If he refuses to establish boundaries, then I would leave him if I were you. He is being unfaithful. There are a lot of women out there (and men) who have no respect for marriage anymore and will think nothing of taking away your spouse if it suits their purposes. I deal with this all the time in my marriage. Fortunately, my husband understands the importance of setting boundaries and enforcing them. I've made the boundaries very clear to him, and he knows very well that I won't tolerate inappropriate behavior from other women, and certainly not from him. (My husband is a contractor, is good looking, very nice physique, and a lot of women have made a play for him, both when he goes out on the job to work on their home, and at other places). We have a strict policy in place to protect our marriage from these threats. My husband understands how important this is to me, and he complies with it willingly. There are a lot of vultures out there, and sometimes friendship can lead to more than that. It's shocking how shameless some of these women can get. They will answer the door in a towel or longerie, knowing full well that my husband had an appointment and when. They will call him relentlessly, Email him, invite him to go places with them, flirt with him, change into pajamas and parade around the house while he is working on their house. They even have the gaul to go outside in their pajamas while he is working on the outside of their house, just to entice him. Bunch of divorced, pathetic women who try to steel someone elses husband instead of finding their own. I deal with this on a daily basis. That's the nature of the line of work my husband is in, and they see him as a very good catch. He has to constantly set boundaries with them. Don't let this "relationship" continue. It's already considered an emotional affair, and could easily lead to a physical one.

[Jennifer26]

I've been pretty silent on the issue since last week. I've been on a roller coaster about how I feel about the entire things. Some days I think maybe he hasn't crossed a line and really just prefers female friends, after all he is sort of unusual for a guy. He isn't into sports, or the typical "macho" things men like to discuss. He's always seemed to get along better with women, and this includes within my own family. I also see this woman on FB making texts about her BF and seeming pretty smitten with him and that eases some of my worries. Plus there was the fact he was being so open with me, and part of me feels like I am closing off communication with him on this.

 

Tonight he brought her up, I am too upset at the moment, and into my third glass of wine and cannot recall how the conversation began. I am fairly certain he brought her up in a pretty benign manor though.

 

I have thought about this on and off for weeks, so I decided to ask him something. I asked him what he thought were the boundaries that one should have when having a friendship with the opposite sex? His reply was that there should be no talk about sex. I said, yes, I agree but does he feel there is more?

 

He didn't have an answer for this.

 

He began defending his friendship with her. I asked if he would date her if he were single and he said "no, she has a boyfriend" to which I asked what if she were single and you were single. His reply was "no because we work together" -- But nothing about not being attracted or compatible with her. Just obstacles.

 

I pointed this out to him and he replied that he does not find her attractive. That she is much like his best friend, and that she shares interesting stories with him and appreciates his advice. He brought up how she was mentioning how upset she was because her new boyfriend was doing some training, and lives 45 minutes away and she's upset she doesn't seem him as much as she'd like. She asked my husband if she should broach him about this. According to my husband she has a clingy personality when it comes to relationships.

 

I pointed out it was inappropriate for him to be dicussing her relationship with her. He disagrees. He disagreed with most of what I said and could not define boundaries other than no talk about sex.

 

I started becoming frustrated and told him "Look, I understand you're a man and you probably have never read a relationship book or paid much attention to boundaries within platonic friendships - but there are golden rules and they include not doing things one on one like the lunches you were having and not discussing relationships"

 

He said that he's never heard of these things and maybe I need to show him because it's just not what he feels is true or accurate. I began pulling up links online and he managed to start watching a television show and ended the conversation there.

 

I am honestly so pissed that we were in the middle of discussing this and he went and flipped on the TV. I am obviously distraught about this entire issue, whether he has ill intentions or not I just feel completely ignored and invalidated.

Edited July 14, 2011 by Jennifer26

[Dust]

I've been pretty silent on the issue since last week. I've been on a roller coaster about how I feel about the entire things. Some days I think maybe he hasn't crossed a line and really just prefers female friends, after all he is sort of unusual for a guy. He isn't into sports, or the typical "macho" things men like to discuss. He's always seemed to get along better with women, and this includes within my own family. I also see this woman on FB making texts about her BF and seeming pretty smitten with him and that eases some of my worries. Plus there was the fact he was being so open with me, and part of me feels like I am closing off communication with him on this.

 

Tonight he brought her up, I am too upset at the moment, and into my third glass of wine and cannot recall how the conversation began. I am fairly certain he brought her up in a pretty benign manor though.

 

I have thought about this on and off for weeks, so I decided to ask him something. I asked him what he thought were the boundaries that one should have when having a friendship with the opposite sex? His reply was that there should be no talk about sex. I said, yes, I agree but does he feel there is more?

 

He didn't have an answer for this.

 

He began defending his friendship with her. I asked if he would date her if he were single and he said "no, she has a boyfriend" to which I asked what if she were single and you were single. His reply was "no because we work together" -- But nothing about not being attracted or compatible with her. Just obstacles.

 

I pointed this out to him and he replied that he does not find her attractive. That she is much like his best friend, and that she shares interesting stories with him and appreciates his advice. He brought up how she was mentioning how upset she was because her new boyfriend was doing some training, and lives 45 minutes away and she's upset she doesn't seem him as much as she'd like. She asked my husband if she should broach him about this. According to my husband she has a clingy personality when it comes to relationships.

 

I pointed out it was inappropriate for him to be dicussing her relationship with her. He disagrees. He disagreed with most of what I said and could not define boundaries other than no talk about sex.

 

I started becoming frustrated and told him "Look, I understand you're a man and you probably have never read a relationship book or paid much attention to boundaries within platonic friendships - but there are golden rules and they include not doing things one on one like the lunches you were having and not discussing relationships"

 

He said that he's never heard of these things and maybe I need to show him because it's just not what he feels is true or accurate. I began pulling up links online and he managed to start watching a television show and ended the conversation there.

 

I am honestly so pissed that we were in the middle of discussing this and he went and flipped on the TV. I am obviously distraught about this entire issue, whether he has ill intentions or not I just feel completely ignored and invalidated.

 

You really have to watch out for these guys who call random women their “best friend.” You shouldn’t have to prove stuff like this to him. He is torturing you with this crap for what. Couldn’t he just be friends with her at work and never bring her up and never be inviting her out, chatting, and fb with her if it were all an innocent friendship. Couldn’t he just make you happy and not argue all this stuff?

 

As a man I would never date a woman who had a bunch of guy “friends.” I certainly don’t want to hear about my gf/wifes guy “best friend.” So, why do you put up with a guy like this? Really you should just leave him. The reason you are leaving him isn’t because he has a girl “friend” it’s because he was and is cheating on you. No proof needed. The fact that being such close friends with women is so important to him would drive any person not into doing such things themselves crazy. If you yourself enjoyed the idea of having guys who you invited out and had lunch dates with etc maybe this wouldn’t matter. To you it does. This will only get worse. The thing is even if you don’t leave him he is playing with fire and could end up leaving you. Not necessarily for her but the next woman he gets real close with maybe. So you’ll just end up getting left by him if you don’t leave or he doesn’t stop like he should.

[keepsmilin74]

Point out this example that he takes time to talk to his "girlfriend" about her troubles but won't take the time to talk with his own WIFE and instead switches on the TV. That's messed up. Go to couples counselling or leave him now. Sorry for your pain

[Jennifer26]

The conversation did continue last night. After my husband was finished watching his show he came upstairs and asked why I looked upset. I told him because he pretty much walked off during our conversation and that I felt like he was dismissing my feelings completely.

 

He told me to pull up the links I had found clarifying what boundaries within platonic friendships should look like. Upon reading the second article he burst into laughter when the article suggested opposite sex friends should avoid going to coffee shops, to lunch, dinner, drinks, etc. in a one on one situation.

 

He said that the notion that friends could not go get coffee was absurd. I pointed out that a coffee shop means sitting down together, and pretty much the article is picking out scenarios that are date like.

 

He said "I'm sorry, but I just don't agree. But I will do whatever makes you happy and will back off of this friendship because you are more important to me" -- something he said last week but didn't quite follow through.

 

I burst into tears, and told him I don't feel like we're on the same page with our boundaries, and ideologies of marriage. I told him I am beyond frustrated, and although I appreciate him saying he would cut back on interaction with her it still deeply upsets me that we don't see eye to eye on this. That he may cut back with her, but will this happen again? I brought up the past - something I didn't want to do - but felt I needed to broach the subject because it's a recurring one for us.

 

In the end, he still does not agree but tried to assure me he loves me and will do what makes me comfortable.

 

Today he sent her several texts trying to invite her to come to lunch with us, and to come on a double date tomorrow night. I know he was inviting her to things where I would be present, and he has expressed he wants me to meet her and to become friends with her. At the same time I am a little annoyed he is sending these messages the night after this blow out, and before consulting with me prior to sending these invitations. It was the same with my brothers wedding reception.

[Jennifer26]

One more thing, when he was saying it's just my insecurity again last night I admitted I made this thread on LS. I told him the majority of people agreed that he is overstepping boundaries, and some feel he is outright cheating.

 

He said of course anyone on a relationship forum would say this, because only insecure or jaded people would come to such a site.

 

Ugh.

[Afishwithabike]

Do you think instead of giving him links or mentioning the thread on LS, it would benefit you two to have a few sessions with a marital therapist? It seems like he's willing to hear you, but at the same time dismissing what you have to say. Maybe having a professional third party listen to both of you may help him to understand boundaries better.

 

You've mentioned in a previous post that you have a mildly autistic child. Even if the child is on the higher end of the spectrum, it's still very challenging to raise such a child on your own so leaving your H should be the last resort. I mentioned this because I saw someone else suggesting you leave him now.

[Dust]

One more thing, when he was saying it's just my insecurity again last night I admitted I made this thread on LS. I told him the majority of people agreed that he is overstepping boundaries, and some feel he is outright cheating.

 

He said of course anyone on a relationship forum would say this, because only insecure or jaded people would come to such a site.

 

Ugh.

 

You can’t logic this out with him or point out that we all agree with you mostly.

 

I actually feel you put yourself in this situation by knowingly going forward with a guy who is like this. You’ve gave him a second shot and he is doing the same thing again.

 

Let me tell you about something that happened with my gf. We had plans to go out to a theme park. She knows I don’t want her being “special friends” with guys. A guy at work who she mentioned we were going to the theme park asked to come. She told him “no.” She then came home and said she felt bad about telling the guy “no” about joining us to the theme park. I told her she was making me angry and that I don’t want to feel like a third wheel in my own relationship. That was the end of it. She had been used to being able to hang out with other men while in relationships. I told her if she wanted to be with me that’s not how I role and it has worked out. I’m not going to sit there and explain it to her or logic it out. I know that even with zero cheating and zero possibility of cheating I still wouldn’t want that. I still wouldn’t want a wife/gf or what ever who hangs out and does stuff with other guys. I myself don’t want to go out and date other women if I have a gf. I would be single if that’s what I wanted to do and I don’t want some one to do that to me. The only explanation needed is I don’t want this kind of relationship with out these boundaries that we are both going to follow. You set yourself up for dram, misery, and if you don’t dump him he very well might dump you and imeadetly be in another relationship if you catch my drift.

[Silivren]

Jen - I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm really worried about you because he is blatantly disregarding your feelings and pretty much ridiculing you for your VALID concerns. Labelling you insecure just takes the focus off him and makes you look guilty. Classic.

 

Of COURSE he's not attracted to her! She's just his... "best-friend" WHAT?!

 

I'm sorry I thought YOU were his best friend. Til death do you part. You promised to love, cherish and be faithful, right?

 

I'm not telling you to leave him - I'm telling you to FIGHT. Stand up for yourself and put your foot down girl. You definitely do NOT want this to go any further than it has.

[Jennifer26]

Just wanted to post an update to my situation.

 

I accidentally left this thread open on my laptop the last time I posted. I'm normally pretty careful about not doing this, but my battery died while I was reading it and something else must have caught my attention because I never charged it up to close LS down. Anyway, husband ended up using my laptop and found this thread.

 

He was pretty upset that I would think his buying me flowers was sinister or part of some plot of his to score points with his coworker.

 

For a couple of weeks we went round and round on this issue. I became more firm in my stance and insisted they could not be friends. No lunches, no facebooking, no texting.

 

He deleted her from facebook, and his cell phone (not sure what good that did since you can still call/text a person if they're not saved as a contact) and said he would avoid her completely at work.

 

I felt satisfied with this, but he was angry and kept bringing it up. Especially in the morning before leaving for work. He is too embarrassed to tell her his wife is demanding he end the friendship with her for a couple of reasons. 1. It might imply something inappropriate was taking place and puts him in an awkward situation. By inappropriate I mean something sexual in nature. 2. It is likely the entire office will find out since it's very gossipy there. If his wife was putting her foot down was there more to it than some lunches and talking? It's possible an office rumor may start that he and she were doing more than they were. 3. I think his ego won't allow it. The whole being told what to do by your wife and getting **** from the guys in the office.

 

I would have liked for him to have just told her that it was his wife's wishes, and that it was nothing personal against her. She could have been any woman in the office. But I realize he wasn't going to do this and he was getting upset every morning before leaving for work because he was avoiding her without telling her why and this was creating a situation where he felt like he was being a jerk and the avoidance without offending her was becoming difficult.

 

I told him that I did not mind if they spoke AT work. It was the lunches, and discussions occurring OUTSIDE of work that were the main issues. I told him the no lunch part was easy, tell her that he's brown bagging his lunch to save money.

 

I'm not sure how long this approach will work. I did find out once after I thought we were in agreement that he went to lunch with her and they drove together in her car. This was 2-3 weeks ago. When I discovered this I was furious. Apparently they met up with two other people from the office and he thought that was okay because they weren't dining one on one. I told him he was using loopholes, and that no, I am not okay with him going in her car. He has agreed to not do this again.

 

So far, I have no indication they are communicating outside of work, or going to lunches together.

 

I also realized that my husband and I need to spend more time together. We've gone long stretches (six months at times) without going on a single date with one another. When we're at home we both zone out on our laptops, or tv. We hardly were communicating, or spending any time together without our children or family present.

 

I hired a babysitter to come once a week so we can have a 'date night' and that has been going well. I feel like we're talking more and getting along better. We've been going on two dates a week with the babysitter and my mother/sister babysitting. We've also been going to lunch together once a week.

 

It has been over a week now the topic has not come up. I hope this remains the case, and for the time being just plan to focus on spending more time together and enjoying each others company.

[Afishwithabike]

Guess leaving the computer on was a blessing in disguise.

 

From where I stand, I don't think he has to tell the other woman that you want him to limit contact with her. The important thing is his actions. That he actually limits contact to what's professional and expected in that office.

 

I think it's a good idea for all couples to have some time together each week where they do couples activities. You don't have to spend a lot of money doing these things, but the undivided attention you give and get is so valuable in keeping a relationship going. I know in the past I've been guilty of taking my H for granted. These days, we try to talk each evening about our day, thoughts, things we want to do that weekend, anything and everything, small stuff..just the way we used to talk when we were dating. We also try to go out at least once a week just the two of us. Sometimes it's the movies. Sometimes we go to a favorite location and just hang out. Sometimes we've taken a half day off from work to do things we can't during the weekend. Whatever works for you two, but the important thing is to keep the fun in the relationship. Date each other like you did when you were first getting to know each other.

 

Jennifer - I tried to send you a PM, but couldn't even though you're an established member. Maybe you could PM me instead. I wanted to say something that might be helpful, but I'd rather not post it on a public board.

Edited August 3, 2011 by Afishwithabike

[keepsmilin74]

When we're at home we both zone out on our laptops, or tv. We hardly were communicating, or spending any time together without our children or family present.

 

This is the same thing we had to fix! We now go for a minimum of 30 minute walks after dinner just to chat. If you can't leave the house because of children, then sit outside, have a drink and chat. Turn off the laptop and tvs!

 

I'm glad to hear things are moving in a positive direction!!! Home comes first before work. You only work to make a happy home in the first place.

[piggyoink]

Its all about trust. Does the facebook/communication situation really make that big of a difference? At least you can see it and nothing is really happening. Would you prefer those platonic activities occur in secret?

[Kelemort]

 

Is it odd that he would WANT her to be around me if he is attracted to her? I feel conflicted about this one.

 

I think it's the perfect way for him to cover and hide it. You meet her, maybe you realize she isn't just a whore creeping into your marriage, and so you begin to suspect that maybe you're just overreacting and nothing's really going on. Your husband's banking on that. I can't even believe he'd throw the "But I'd trust you" thing in your face. You know what? There is nothing wrong with not completely trusting other people, especially when they do this crap.

 

It'd be like if you walked into a room and your husband were holding a knife in a threatening way towards another person. You would, naturally, say, "What are you doing? Don't attack/kill that person!" What the Hell would he say back to you - "I'm not going to kill this person. Why don't you trust me?" He's let all of his game chips out and it all points to "future affair." So the "Wah, you don't trust me bit" is entirely annoying. No, you shouldn't trust a hubby who's showing all the classic signs that he's about to have an affair, if he hasn't already. And him throwing it in your face that you don't 'trust' him is just his attempt to make you feel guilty and to make you back out of the investigation.

 

My feeling is he's not going to take you seriously with your verdict about the end of the friendship. He had his warning once 6 years ago and apparently blatantly ignored it so he could stop into yet another emotional affair. They're spending way too much time together - he should've kept this to a workplace friendship. Occasional personal chatter about their lives (but not about the problems in your marriage), occasional lunches together one to two times a week, then a "See ya tomorrow."

 

There is no excuse for texting this woman, hanging out with this woman in contexts outside of work, her hinting to him about her intimate photos, him inviting her to functions related to YOUR family without asking YOU.

 

I could see if this were his first mistake, but he's doing it again. You had a discussion with him and he's still trying to invite her to places (like your 4th of July event) or to weddings. Enough's enough, the guy isn't going to get the hint. Go your own way. You would be a lot healthier and happier for it, I think.

[Jennifer26]

So everything was going awesome, no arguments, his coworker hasn't come up and so on.

 

This past Saturday our families threw a joint birthday party for us. We had both been drinking wine and were both fairly drunk. He tells me that on Friday near the time he was getting off work, a different female coworker approached him and asked him if he wanted to go salsa dancing at a latin club after work. He told me his response to her was "No, sorry, I have to go home and be a good husband and father" and that several people in the office were nearby and cackled at his response to her. He said she seemed embarrassed and upset and walked off without saying anything to his response.

 

At first I was irritated and thought what kind of woman asks a married man to go dancing? But as I thought more and more, I wondered what kind of messages is he sending to this woman to think that he would go?

 

I ended up telling him last night that I felt he provoked this. He went to lunch with her when he had first began this job, although according to him he stopped going to lunch with her soon after because she expected him to pay and he felt she was using him.

 

I brought up that this is the issue with going to lunches, and getting to friendly with female coworkers. That being "friendly" can easily be interpreted as flirting and going out one to one with a person sends a similar message.

 

He is upset with me, and isn't responding to my text message I sent this morning. He said before he left for work that he can't help it if he is friendly, and that he'll try to "not act like a slut" at work today at work.

 

I feel like we've just taken a giant step backwards, and I am so tired of feeling insecure, and threatened by him going to work. I get knots in my stomach sometimes just thinking of him being there. Especially now that it is two women.

[frozensprouts]

jennifer

 

i can totally understand your concern. My husband had an emotional affair ( that turned into a physical affair) with a woman he works with, and it was horrible! it started out ( on his part) innocently enough, but it didn't take to long for it to become something else entirely. When I finally spoke to him about it and told him it bothered me that he spent so much time online with her, he tried to turn it around and make me feel guilty for not trusting him. He tried to make me doubt my own "gut feelings", and, it turned out they were right all along.

 

 

 

I also want to say that i know how hard it can be to raise a kid who places on the autism spectrum ( two of my kids do as well-my oldest has aspbergers and my youngest is high functioning autistic). It sounds like you are going through a tough time right now, so please make sure to try and find a bit of time each day to look after yourself... you kids need you to!

[Afishwithabike]

So everything was going awesome, no arguments, his coworker hasn't come up and so on.

 

This past Saturday our families threw a joint birthday party for us. We had both been drinking wine and were both fairly drunk. He tells me that on Friday near the time he was getting off work, a different female coworker approached him and asked him if he wanted to go salsa dancing at a latin club after work. He told me his response to her was "No, sorry, I have to go home and be a good husband and father" and that several people in the office were nearby and cackled at his response to her. He said she seemed embarrassed and upset and walked off without saying anything to his response.

 

At first I was irritated and thought what kind of woman asks a married man to go dancing? But as I thought more and more, I wondered what kind of messages is he sending to this woman to think that he would go?

 

I ended up telling him last night that I felt he provoked this. He went to lunch with her when he had first began this job, although according to him he stopped going to lunch with her soon after because she expected him to pay and he felt she was using him.

 

I brought up that this is the issue with going to lunches, and getting to friendly with female coworkers. That being "friendly" can easily be interpreted as flirting and going out one to one with a person sends a similar message.

 

He is upset with me, and isn't responding to my text message I sent this morning. He said before he left for work that he can't help it if he is friendly, and that he'll try to "not act like a slut" at work today at work.

 

I feel like we've just taken a giant step backwards, and I am so tired of feeling insecure, and threatened by him going to work. I get knots in my stomach sometimes just thinking of him being there. Especially now that it is two women.

 

Dancing at a club after work with a married co-worker? That sounds iffy to me. Even when I was single, I wouldn't suggest that to a married co-worker who was a friend of mine. Salsa dancing is sexy. It's not exactly the after hours stuff you do with co-workers. We've had drinks once in great while where we vent about work, maybe the occasional karaoke, but no dancing, and even the karaoke stuff was rare. Certainly not a monthly event by any means. His response to her was good even if it embarassed her.

 

Not that it's any excuse, but it looks to me like he's using the stress from having a special needs child to get some ego stroking for himself. Could he be depressed?

 

Can't he find/make male friends at work or outside of work? Is there some hobby, sport/recreational activity he could join? Seems like all his friendly attentions are given to female co-workers.

[red-doe]

this emotional cheating was all new to me, but i got a good taste of it last year when my husbands boss hired a new secretary. young, single and lives around the block from us. her name kept coming us, and he would act like a nervous school boy when he would talk about her. they got closer and closer and then came the phone calls and the favors he had to do for her and her mother and the afterwork activiites. i finally followed the paper trail and looked up his phone records and texting. he was pretty shocked when i showed him the copies of the calls and texting records. he said, i can explain everyone of them. i just asked him, who is she to you? and he said, she is my best friend.. that seemed to hurt more than him saying i love her. I called his boss the next day and i asked him what thier work policy was on a supervisor having a interoffice relastionship with a co-worker was, and he said, there was no policy, that they were on the honor system . I called the girl up and asked her to give me her spin on what kind of relationship she was having with my husband and she started crying and said , oh no you have it all wrong. when she was questioned by her boss, she took a different tone, and wrote me a letter and said it was none of my business what her and my husband talk or text about, but explained anyway, that it was about all the gardening and yardwork he does for her. she failed to meantion what the texting was about when he was on his family vacation. anyway i filed for divorce and a week before we were to go to court, he had a change of heart, and said he still loved me. someone must of told him "its cheaper to keep her" anyway we have been back together since dec.2010. he's really trying, but he is such a good liar, its hard for me to trust him. as for the girl, i have to drive past her house everyday, and i still feel like i need a apology from her. she is just too smug when she see's me. he will be retiring in october, so once that gets behind us maybe i will feel more at ease. i feel he has made such a fool of me, i dont even want to go to his retirement party, its best that me and his best friend not be in the same room.

anyway, your not alone, i feel sorry for anyone that has to go through this, its such a waste of good energy. This is my first log. it felt good to get that out.

 

If you want you can look at my past posting history and see how I handled it. Things have been so much better since I put a stop to this sort of behaviour.

 

I can see why you don’t want to fight this. It’s exhausting, and you will feel bad (of course it’s entirely innocent and they’re just friends and he can have friends can’t he?), and if you’ve already been through it before you probably don’t want to again.

 

But as long as he’s still talking to her and seeing her as often as he is you will probably be driven crazy by suspicion and you’ll have to be on edge all the time every time he sees her. You’ll wonder what they’re doing and saying, and you may sneak around trying to find out what is going on. That’s what I did for about four months. It’s not nice.

 

I’m a pretty direct person, though. If I thought his behaviour was unreasonable, I would say.

 

I said, “If she has a boyfriend why is she spending so much time with you.”

I said, “I don’t think the topics that you talk about are appropriate between friends.”

I said, “You dress up to go out with her, but not with me. Why?”

I said, “You get too close to her when you talk to her and you flirt with her and I don’t like it.”

 

We had many arguments about this, four months’ worth of arguments. Eventually I gave the “her or me” speech and since then things have been great. Sometimes he gives me a guilt trip about not being her friend anymore, but **** her, and **** him.

 

What’s funny is he would try to be sweet to me too. He would dress up and go out with her and come back and be all happy and nice and loving. That really made me feel mixed up – but I think it was a deliberate ploy on his part. Like, maybe if he is nice to me, I won’t be upset that he went out with someone else. Didn’t work. Don’t let this fool you, he knows what he’s doing. It’s manipulative.

 

If I were you I’d take him aside and say that you saw the pictures and they were sexy. You aren’t comfortable with this and given past history you are disappointed that he would start another inappropriate friendship. Remind him about how it almost ended your marriage, and say that if this continues you can see the whole pattern replaying. Tell him you want him to be a co-worker and not a friend to her.

 

If he tells you (and he probably will) that he can have friends other than you, say that he can have any friend he likes as long as he doesn’t flirt with them and they don’t send him sexy pictures and that this inappropriate behaviour stops now.

 

If he says they’re co-workers, he can’t just stop seeing her, say fine. They can be co-workers as much as they like, and he should be polite to her as a co-worker. Everything that doesn’t have to do with work stops now. No more flirting, no more texting, no more Facebook. It’s inappropriate and you won’t be disrespected any more.

 

I really think you should do something, and soon...trust me, I know about being reluctant to rock the boat, but after you make your position clear you will feel so much better.

[Ddeepprreesseedd]

This guy is a smooth talker and smooth walker.

I wouldn't trust him.

[BeyondtheClouds]

I am wrestling with this issue as well. When I was married, my husband seemed to flirt with the women to the point where they were dismissive with me. This included new women friends that I had made. Some of the them, either by their actions and one by telling me, they would not go out with me unless my husband came along. He had a couple of emotional affairs, at a time, when the term was still in development.

 

And now my BF had hoped to remain friends with someone he used to date.

 

Let's look at some of the patterns here

1. He says he finds her physically unattractive. I have seen pictures of her and I would agree. So I find it interesting that he even had romantic attraction for her.

2. He calls her mercurial and also says that he didn't even find her friends very interesting.

 

3. While I have not met her, yes I have seen the things on FB and he has allowed me to read the e-mails between them. One possibility here is that she can be feisty --which I am not-- and perhaps, that can be an attraction for a lot of men. Jennifer perhaps that's what your husband is getting, in part, from this woman.

 

4. Food for thought here as I encountered this with my own (failed) marriage, the more you ask your husband to do or not do something, the more he will want to do/ not do it. My exhusband told me this as much in one of our parting conversations.

 

I resolved the issue, as far as I can see, by simply telling my BF that if he wanted to continue a friendship with this woman, that that was fine, but that it would downshift our relationship. It worked here. But the problem here of course, is that that's not so easy to do if you're living with or married to your partner. And this is what I am afraid.

 

Jennifer, in your case, for now, I would channel my energy into raising your children, keeping your husband informed so that he can be a good Dad (if he so chooses) and then reconsider your options at a later date.

 

I hope that I have made some useful contributions here and hope also that we can continue this conversation.

[BeyondtheClouds]

More thoughts here:

 

Jennifer, I am intrigued at the description of this woman: 29, twice divorced. Most men, when asked, would say that's a psycho bitch that they want no parts of. But still, this woman has BF --an your husband-- before she has even completed her second divorce.

 

My BF went that route as well. In addition to the obvious --she's not a threat--, I think it must titillate a guy. She has a bf, ergo, she's in demand and she still gives me time.

 

People like to say that men are simple creatures. IT seems to me that they value what they can't have; what's difficult to obtain. It's only sill love songs that sing the virtues of easy love.

[BeyondtheClouds]

Another thought I should add here: I am not sure that your meeting this woman is going to help anything. My ex husband would accuse me of "not trying hard enough" to get along with these women he was buddies with. Your husband could pull that on you as well.

 

I had decided that if my BF insisted that I meet this woman that I would get his agreement in advance that he will not accuse me of any of the above. Really, unless someone gives you a checklist of what they expect of you, they have no business accusing you of not trying hard enough, particularly at a moment when there's nothing more you can do about it anyway.

[dizy]

it's funny how you are still thinking about him. listen, he is married. to you. if he wants to flirt: sexy pictures, msg everyday, lunch often together (dont tell me this is not flirting) he better stays single. judging from your story, i bet you dont have any kids yet. imaging if you have kids. would you think this is appropriate? I would say anything that you wont be able to show your kids about ur relationships with friends of opposite sex is alarming.

I understand that you don't want to limit his friend circle to male only, but there is a limit. You HAVE to make yourself clear: a marriage involves 2 people, when one of them feels uncomfortable or insecure there is a problem! Just accept your emotions. You don't feel comfortable? you feel like you can't trust him despite the fact that he shares what he does with you and he is sweet? then tell him. YOU FEELINGS SHOULD MATTER!

[dizy]

I am sorry to not read all the replies before replying. Since you have kids, maybe spending more time with the entire family would be a good thing. based on how your husband reacts, I am pretty sure that he does not have any thoughts for cheating on you (yet), but it's a complicated situation. Unless he changes job, i really don't see how he can avoid his coworker forever without others noticing, especially when they used to be close. Your husband might not have the same boundaries of platonic relationship as you do, but you obviously dont trust him a lot either. I would go ask help of a professional in this case. Also, I would recommend you to not follow word to word what people on this forum recommend you to do because they only know the story from YOUR point of view which can be quite subjective.