denise_xo Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I am just pissed that I am repeatedly told to get counseling when really, I was just perceptively sensing something being off in this relationship. I think the reason why people are suggesting counseling is less about what you perceive, and much more about how you react to it.
vsmini Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I am just pissed that I am repeatedly told to get counseling when really, I was just perceptively sensing something being off in this relationship. This is very common. To hold onto the tiniest piece of evidence that proves you right in a way to defend your issues and paranoia. You are told to get counselling for MULTITUDINOUS reasons - not just because you suspected him of doubting the relationship. Which everyone does, including yourself. The denial on your part is painful.
Kamille Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I think the reason why people are suggesting counseling is less about what you perceive, and much more about how you react to it. Definitely. I won't speak for others, but I do hope you find ways, whether it be through therapy or other means, to 1) learn to love yourself and 2) stop letting anxiety lead your life and define who you believe you are. I often wonder why you're so resistant to the idea of therapy. Most of us aren't suggesting therapy because we think you're deficient. We're suggesting it because we've experienced it and we believe it could help you approach the situations in your life differently, with more ease and more confidence.
Imajerk17 Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 And it's really hard for me to believe that he didn't like me to the point of seriously considering breaking up 2 months ago and suddenly he is madly in love with me. Something just doesn't gel here. Neither does offering NSA sex to someone else (and whining about how he turned you down!) and then becoming exclusive with your boyfriend 48 hours later.... My point is that your behavior is AT LEAST as sketchy.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 I have severe money issues - therapy is not an option now. I am about 3K in debt as it is. BTW I decided to write him an e-mail just now asking him the questions I wanted to ask. I confessed all. I did it this way so that we could possibly work it out prior to the weekend and then still have a nice weekend together. I asked him to either call me or write back when he gets the chance.
denise_xo Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I won't speak for others, but I do hope you find ways, whether it be through therapy or other means, to 1) learn to love yourself and 2) stop letting anxiety lead your life and define who you believe you are. I often wonder why you're so resistant to the idea of therapy. Most of us aren't suggesting therapy because we think you're deficient. We're suggesting it because we've experienced it and we believe it could help you approach the situations in your life differently, with more ease and more confidence. I second all of this one hundred per cent. In addition I also think you might find life easier if you applied the same standards to yourself as you do to others, or vice versa. I don't mean this to dig at you - but I genuinely think it helps us to accept the faults both of ourselves and others, but at the same time hold ourselves and others accountable in constructive ways. The more you double/ triple the standards, the more difficult they become to negotiate in a way where you stay true to yourself.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 Neither does offering NSA sex to someone else (and whining about how he turned you down!) and then becoming exclusive with your boyfriend 48 hours later.... My point is that your behavior is AT LEAST as sketchy. Sure, but I am in control of my own behavior. I KNOW that I went NC with NSA guy right away. I never talked to him again. I realized my mistake and corrected it. I can't control my bf's behaviour. For all I know, his sketchy behavior continues....and him telling me he loves me is all a charade.
Imajerk17 Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 (edited) Sure, but I am in control of my own behavior. I KNOW that I went NC with NSA guy right away. I never talked to him again. I realized my mistake and corrected it. I can't control my bf's behaviour. For all I know, his sketchy behavior continues....and him telling me he loves me is all a charade. I wonder what would have happened had he said yes. You really whined about him turning you down you know. If I heard that story about someone I was dating offering NSA sex like that to other men (ewww) 48 hours before becoming exclusive with me, I would break it off. So would most other guys. You hold your bf to a standard that you do not NEARLY meet yourself. Edited June 29, 2011 by Imajerk17
vsmini Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 ES makes excuses and always will. This is why she is and will continue to lose at life. She is one big victim - these people are a complete nuisance. An emotional vampire. She says she knows she has issues but wont/"can't" get help for a barrage of reasons (excuses.) so screw her. Let nature thin out the herd a little bit. She can be crazy, spend her money on everything else but therapy, never hold down a man and hopefully never reproduce. Because this woman raising a child would be flat out child abuse. Let the ES's of the world fade out. Don't feel sorry for her and I say: let this toolbag she's dating cry at her feet some more. ES - one final thing. You're famous on this site for one thing: For being a total wreck. How does that feel? Make you want to turn your life around? Yea - I didn't think so.
Kamille Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I have severe money issues - therapy is not an option now. I am about 3K in debt as it is. BTW I decided to write him an e-mail just now asking him the questions I wanted to ask. I confessed all. I did it this way so that we could possibly work it out prior to the weekend and then still have a nice weekend together. I asked him to either call me or write back when he gets the chance. Okay, good. I hope you manage to have a constructive conversation. He was allowed to have doubts. You'll find out why he didn't feel he could share this with you. Here is what I would suggest. Focus on what you can do to make the relationship stronger and better, together. I would tell him this is why you're bringing up what you found out. Don't waste your time laying blame or making accusations. You can share how it made you feel, but try to resist ascribing him intentions or reading into what he says. Try to listen and take what he says at face-value.
Ms. Joolie Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 BTW I decided to write him an e-mail just now asking him the questions I wanted to ask. I confessed all. I did it this way so that we could possibly work it out prior to the weekend and then still have a nice weekend together. I asked him to either call me or write back when he gets the chance. There is only so much he can handle when it comes to managing your insecurities for you. So far he has been very generous with his listening and understanding. Please don't take his listening and generousity for granted. What exactly do you want validation about anyway?
Kamille Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I know you feel you can't afford therapy right now, but one of the major advantages of therapy would be that you wouldn't get 90 people commenting on your life like you do here. It's one trained professional who's job isn't to judge you, but to help you find ways to better deal with whatever you both agree to work on.
denise_xo Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Okay, good. I hope you manage to have a constructive conversation. He was allowed to have doubts. You'll find out why he didn't feel he could share this with you. Here is what I would suggest. Focus on what you can do to make the relationship stronger and better, together. I would tell him this is why you're bringing up what you found out. Don't waste your time laying blame or making accusations. You can share how it made you feel, but try to resist ascribing him intentions or reading into what he says. Try to listen and take what he says at face-value. Seconded. I hope it makes the two of you stronger.
vsmini Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 And days later you all are dancing in the bathtub and screaming "We're in love" with each other. I loved your "He LOVES me" thread... I didn't get to comment on your happiness but it gave such a beautiful feeling. Ok I know you weren't dancing in the bathtub exactly, but still. You can go with the good feelings that lift your relationship or the bad ones that destroy it. Your choice, his choice and your choice together. It's already been said here and countless times that relationships have their ups and downs. Your boyfriend was so cute by calling it the teething process. Your boyfriend was so cute by calling it the teething process. He meant pulling teeth.
Imajerk17 Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 ES makes excuses and always will. This is why she is and will continue to lose at life. She is one big victim - these people are a complete nuisance. An emotional vampire. She says she knows she has issues but wont/"can't" get help for a barrage of reasons (excuses.) so screw her. Let nature thin out the herd a little bit. She can be crazy, spend her money on everything else but therapy, never hold down a man and hopefully never reproduce. Because this woman raising a child would be flat out child abuse. Let the ES's of the world fade out. Don't feel sorry for her and I say: let this toolbag she's dating cry at her feet some more. ES - one final thing. You're famous on this site for one thing: For being a total wreck. How does that feel? Make you want to turn your life around? Yea - I didn't think so. I agree. But with people like Kamille and denise enabling her by coddling her so much, it will take a little longer.
snug.bunny Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I have severe money issues - therapy is not an option now. I am about 3K in debt as it is. There are places that offer assistance on a sliding income scale, if it is something that is of interest to you....There are also several workbooks available on the internet, whereas you read through the chapters, and then there are exercises at the end of each chapter for the reader to complete. If it is something that an individual can benefit from, then why not?
denise_xo Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I agree. But with people like Kamille and denise enabling her by coddling her so much, it will take a little longer. Exactly where am I enabling her?
Imajerk17 Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 (edited) Exactly where am I enabling her? She is getting soothing words from you every time she posts her issues. You and kamille are "rewarding" her by posting. If more people talked to Eternal Sunshine the way vsmini and I talk to her, she would stop posting here! Edited June 29, 2011 by Imajerk17
denise_xo Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 She is getting soothing words from you every time she posts her issues. You and kamille are "rewarding" her by posting. If more people talked to Eternal Sunshine the way vsmini and I talk to her, she would stop posting here! Which words are you referring to exactly? And why is it an objective to make ES stop posting? If you don't like her threads, don't read them.
SmileFace Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 The only thing that needs to be done. Tell your boyfriend but an ass is friend is and he needs to stop talking to people like him NOW! I don't need to comment on anything else. Since I am pretty sure in the last 100 posts all the advice that could have been taken, has been given.
Imajerk17 Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Seconded. I hope it makes the two of you stronger. This is an example. Her boyfriend doesn't need a woman like ES in her life. She holds him to standards she wouldn't hold herself and she doesn't think anything of it (evil). He needs to find out the truth about her so he can dump her and get on with his life! I am tempted to find out who ES really is and out her to her boyfriend so he can be rid of this crazy vampire. She posted her occupation AND her picture on here...shouldn't be too hard...
Kamille Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 She is getting soothing words from you every time she posts her issues. You and kamille are "rewarding" her by posting. If more people talked to Eternal Sunshine the way vsmini and I talk to her, she would stop posting here! I have to wonder, like Denise, which words are so soothing that we're making it comfortable for ES to hang out here. Is it when Denise pointed out ES holds her bf to a standard she doesn't hold for herself? Or when I pointed out to ES that she was indulging her anxieties by listening to the friend? Or perhaps it was when we both articulated why we felt ES could benefit from therapy? Just because we don't take your approach doesn't mean we're coddling her. And, as far as I can see, you still post multiple times one on every of her threads, giving her the said attention you think she so craves.
denise_xo Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 This is an example. Her boyfriend doesn't need a woman like ES in her life. She holds him to standards she wouldn't hold herself and she doesn't think anything of it (evil). He needs to find out the truth about her so he can dump her and get on with his life! This thread is not about what ES' boyfriend should do or shouldn't do. The only way either of them will find out if they should be in a relationship with each other is to communicate about their issues. I generally hope all people who face hurdles come out of them stronger. It's a much better option than being broken by it. No coddling there.
Kamille Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 This is an example. Her boyfriend doesn't need a woman like ES in her life. She holds him to standards she wouldn't hold herself and she doesn't think anything of it (evil). He needs to find out the truth about her so he can dump her and get on with his life! I am tempted to find out who ES really is and out her to her boyfriend so he can be rid of this crazy vampire. She posted her occupation AND her picture on here...shouldn't be too hard... And why is it your responsibility to make decisions for ES' boyfriend? Why do you have such a black and white view of the world? You've decided ES is evil. That's your belief. Certainly, it explains why you believe anyone who still wishes her the best is enabling her, since deep down your desire is to see her fail. But then, that's distorted logic on your side. Why be so invested in the outcome of ES's love life? Certainly, it warps your point of view and how you approach her threads.
Recommended Posts