Eternal Sunshine Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Basically, I want a guy that will be strongly into me from the first date. I don't want him to love me right away (nor do I think it's possible) but I don't want him to have any doubts if he wants to be with me or not. I have learned that my boyfriend had some doubt at around 2 months mark (before we even had any arguments or I freaked out). Source of this info is his close friend (don't ask how I know) - he was even getting advice on if he should break up with me. I think I sensed it and it kind of caused the current downward spiral. I am just able to pick up on emotions intuitively. His doubt was caused by the fact that he wasn't sure if he really liked me. Scary thing is that he acted like he did like me at the time (in both words and actions). I am not even sure if I can now believe all his lovey dovey stuff... I am really put off that he had such serious doubt at an early stage. Thoughts?
vsmini Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Moderate to light doubt, for a small period of time, is VERY common in almost all healthy relationships. Of course the level of doubt is relative. Nobody can be 100% sure about anything and asking them to be is unfair. You're human - you have doubts too right? Please understand that.
mitchell Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 He's lied to you and you are a neurotic and insecure person. Clearly a bad combination. Your doubts about his actions and sincerity will never leave you.
lolo1234 Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Yeah I agree. Why the he'll would his friend tell u that ? You are being very idealistic and living in a fantasy world if you think you will ever find a guy that will never have doubts. It's human nature. Of course he wouldnt tell you his doubts he wanted to keep you around in case you proved him wrong. I am sure you have had many doubts about him as well during this time.
carhill Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Having doubts is human. No one is immune. We choose how we react to those doubts. Your BF chose to keep them to himself. Rather than idealistic I find the path you're describing to be more centric. Other people are interchangeable and matter mainly for getting wants met.
Ebony78 Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Nobody has doubted this relationship more than you! I'm guessing you've been snooping again to get this information
Art_Critic Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I think is natural to have some doubts in relationships, have you ever heard of cold feet.. many people have doubts even at the wedding alter. It is not possible to maintain a perfection status in any relationship to the point that it might not cause doubts on either side. Shiot Happens ES... To expect 100% perfection 100% of the time forever is unrealistic. How a couple deals with those unexpected doubts and realizations is what makes or breaks a relationship
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 I know....but his friend (who has a bit of a crush on me) showed me texts sent to him by my boyfriend. I almost felt sick. It read something like "I am just not sure about this relationship. There are things about her that I don't like. Sometimes, she is just too quiet. I think that she really likes me though but last 2 weeks I haven't even felt that much of a spark. There are couple of other girls after me but I am not going to do anything until I see this thing through with ES" This was around 2 months ago. I was still keeping crazy in check then. That was also around the time when I sensed that he is being distant and attempted to break up with him. His next text read "She now wants to break up with me and I think it's because she senses my doubt. I have the perfect out. I just don't know if I should let it go or try to talk her into coming back. The worst thing is that now my doubts have increased 10-fold." . The next day he called me crying and begged me not to break up. WTF. He actually said that he has "absolutely no doubt about us". Again, a blatant lie. He now tells me he loves me like 5-10 times per day. Can I even trust him that it's what he truly feels? I was just starting to relax last few days and now I get this bit of information. I am again losing sleep over it and feel rattled. I don't want to argue with him over it or to cause problems between him and his friend. I am not trying to cause drama, I just need some clear headed objectivity in what to do here
carhill Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 What does your best female friend say about all of this?
rafallus Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I know....but his friend (who has a bit of a crush on me) showed me texts sent to him by my boyfriend. I almost felt sick. Can you say: (not so well) hidden agenda?
Crow9726 Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 In reading many posts by the OP...it seems to me that she is constantly on a fault finding mission...thereby sabotaging whatever chance at happiness she may have. She can justify her reactions and insecurities but won't allow anyone else to have their own. ES...you have time and time again voiced your doubts and displeasures whenever someone isn't conforming to the perfect model you want them to fit...but hesitate when they seem to have the same doubts about you and your actions. Sometimes you have to let go of preconceived notions...try not to suffer from "paralysis by analysis". Just my opinion...
denise_xo Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Basically, I want a guy that will be strongly into me from the first date. I don't want him to love me right away (nor do I think it's possible) but I don't want him to have any doubts if he wants to be with me or not. Yes, I do think that's idealistic and unrealistic. I almost think it's irresponsible. We are all human and we ALL have faults and less than perfect sides to ourselves. As we move into a relationship, a partner will discover those sides and needs to decide whether they represent a threat to long term compatibility. Having doubts as part of that process is, in my opinion, quite normal. I would be extremely hesitant towards someone who claimed he NEVER had any doubts that he wanted to be with me, because I would take that as a potential sign that he hadn't seriously considered all aspects of our relationship properly in terms of compatibility. On a different note: I do think you keep setting double standards. It's OK for you to omit information to him, it's not OK for him to do the same. It's OK for you to doubt the relationship with him, it's not OK for him to do the same. Partnerships are exactly that: PARTNERSHIPS. They're not about one person setting unequal rules of the game. Are you going to be honest with him and tell him how you obtained your information? If you are not, would you allow him the same discrepancy?
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 What does your best female friend say about all of this? She thinks that I should ignore this information and stay with him. I am just inwardly cringing at the thought of those 2 texts. Talking this out with him is not an option. We have already argued enough lately. I basically need to make a decision - either stay or go and then stick to it.
Dust Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I wouldn’t want a friend who showed my gf txts I had sent. I also wouldn’t want a gf who was talking to my friend who she felt liked her.
rafallus Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Can you say: (not so well) hidden agenda? I meant to add an edit, but now it goes in separate post: Friend, who does stuff like that - exposes his supposed friend's private correspondence - just because it is convenient for his ulterior motive of hitting on other one's gf - is no friend, and in fact worse than sworn enemy. I actually ditched two idiots who did crap like this.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 Can you say: (not so well) hidden agenda? Yes, but I still saw those texts and they came from my boyfriend's number.
Crow9726 Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Oh...and the so-called friend who is sharing PRIVATE conversations with you is a friend to neither of you. Perhaps you should let him copy all of your posts here about your BF and share them with your BF. Wouldn't that be fair...so that you can both be on a level playing field? To not have doubts about someone almost hints at obsession...especially early on...but yet I feel you would be totally mistrusting of someone who had absolutely no doubts abbout you from the very beginning...especially with the games you like to play. Just chill...enjoy...and go with the flow.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 I agree that what his friend did was pretty horrible. However, I am much more concerned with our relationship. I always wanted "complete information" and now I pretty much have it. The truth is not pretty. It is also true that if my boyfriend came to me with any of his doubts, I would dump him on the spot and wouldn't look back. He probably knew this. The worst part is that when I tried to break up with him at the time I said "Listen, I have some doubts about our relationship and I think that you do too. I just think that it's pointless going further if we both feel this way." He responded: "Your intuition is wrong. I have no doubts and am 100% sure that I want to be with you". Oh the insincerity of it all
vsmini Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I wouldn’t want a friend who showed my gf txts I had sent. I also wouldn’t want a gf who was talking to my friend who she felt liked her. I agree - dump him - the two of you seem really out of sync with yourselves as individuals as well as each other. This is not going to work. I really, truly and honestly mean this. Get out of it now. It will not work. Both of you have screwed this up so much.
Kamille Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Right. If memory serves right, he wrote those texts at about the time when you two had a chat and when he asked if you could please start calling him once in awhile. Basically, the way I read those texts goes as follows: "I am just not sure about this relationship. There are things about her that I don't like. Sometimes, she is just too quiet. I think that she really likes me though but last 2 weeks I haven't even felt that much of a spark. There are couple of other girls after me but I am not going to do anything until I see this thing through with ES" He was trying to gage your interest in him and wasn't sure it was there (you're silent, he thinks you like him, but you're quiet, remote and he wonders if there's a spark). Now, the one tidbit that I love is the one about seeing things through: here you have a guy who admittedly knows there's other girls out there, is wondering if things will work out with you, but actively chooses to stick it through and see if things will work out. In other words, your guy isn't a player. I don't want to know how you got the information, but I strongly feel that you were self-indulgent in even giving this friend the time of day. You were indulging your fears and letting your insecurities get the best of you. I do hope, for your sake, that you can discuss this with your bf, no matter how you got the information. Tell him his friend shared that he had doubts and that you're wondering if things have improved since then. Make it an opportunity to make your relationship stronger ES. (And please, never discuss something with a friend of his you wouldn't feel comfortable discussing with him).
carhill Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Quote: Originally Posted by carhill What does your best female friend say about all of this? She thinks that I should ignore this information and stay with him. If not already done so, ask her why. If done and answered, relate that perspective here. She knows you, and I presume him, in real life. She's also apparently accepted you as you are. I'm mentioning this because we don't really know you and generally see one side of you through this forum. My ideal advice would be to interface directly with your BF and accept extraneous information and heresay as being of doubtful importance. One can only imagine how he'd react if he read even 1/10 of 1% of what you've posted here. Yet, you still feel that you can be a healthy girlfriend. I think that's instructive.
denise_xo Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Oh the insincerity of it all Are you sincere with him?
Kamille Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 My previous points summed up: 1) Is it possible his doubts had little to do with his own interest in you or more to do with his perception of your lack of interest in him? 2) Stop freaking out and building this up in your mind and talk to him about this.
Star Gazer Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 The title and question of the thread don't really line up with what's happening here. It IS normal to have some MINOR fleeting doubts in the very early stages of a relationship, particularly when you're trying to flush out whether the person is right for you. I don't think having doubts about whether you even like someone in the first place is a good sign though. Here, it's not that your BF was having simple/normal doubt, but rather that he was telling you one thing and feeling something completely different. He was intentionally misleading you. What should he have said when you expressed concern? When dating someone who I'm not sure about yet, if they bring up their intuition, I say something like, "We're still getting to know each other, who knows what will happen. Let's just see where this leads ;)"... And if they try to pull the plug, I figure that he has the same doubts I do and I just let it go. I don't LIE to them and beg and plead and cry, like your BF did. And I expect the same from the guys I date - and that has been my experience. Your BF has issues; you have issues. It's time to end this - NOW. Did this friend have any more recent texts based on the more recent 12 hour argument?
Imajerk17 Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 (edited) Didn't you write threads about how you weren't sure how into your boyfriend you were? And 48 hours before you became exclusive, you offered NSA sex to another guy! That's seriously messed up. You even came on here and whined about how the guy you offered NSA sex to turned you down..... Edited June 29, 2011 by Imajerk17
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