Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 We are all a close knit group and hang out on regular basis. His friend is actually a mutual friend (only he is much closer to my bf). I had coffee today with him and another girl from our group (my bf knew about this and had no issue with it). The girl left early and I was left with the guy whom I have always sensed has a mild crush on me. He asked me "How are things with BF?" I started gushing "Great ,actually. He met my parents, they loved him, I am soo happy etc etc". He said "I don't want you to get hurt here." I said "What do you mean, do you know something?" Him: "I probably shouldn't say..." Me: "Please, you have to tell me now" Him: "Well, your bf had major doubts at one point..." Me: "When? I don't believe you!" *He takes out his phone*......and the rest is history.
Kamille Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Yes - I 100% agree with this. This is not Disney world where you can share all your negativity and your partner will only feel closer to you. This relationship absolutely can not stand any more negativity. He needs to enjoy the time he spends with me or he will get out. I have no doubt about that. I do understand there comes a time when it's time to put issues and drama aside and just reconnect. But that doesn't even sound like what you're planning. It sounds like you're trying to control his responses to you. You do realize the main reason you don't trust him or the relationship is because you keep him at a distance by not being yourself with him (or, by acting like the perfect girlfriend, as you just put it)? ES, how often and when do you allow yourself to just be yourself with him? When and how often do you allow yourself to just be yourself with your friends? Same question, this time with family? And again, I want to stress that when I talk about you being yourself, I am not talking about your anxious self, which a good therapist would tell you is not who you are anyway, just coping mechanism you've acquired over the years. You admit you act like the perfect girlfriend. You clearly try to control his responses by acting in certain ways. You're keeping him at a distance. I repeat the question you want to ignore, for a reason I can only guess at: What would happen if you allowed yourself to just be yourself? I do love him - I know that. He doesn't love me. How do you know he doesn't love you?
vsmini Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 We are all a close knit group and hang out on regular basis. His friend is actually a mutual friend (only he is much closer to my bf). I had coffee today with him and another girl from our group (my bf knew about this and had no issue with it). The girl left early and I was left with the guy whom I have always sensed has a mild crush on me. He asked me "How are things with BF?" I started gushing "Great ,actually. He met my parents, they loved him, I am soo happy etc etc". He said "I don't want you to get hurt here." I said "What do you mean, do you know something?" Him: "I probably shouldn't say..." Me: "Please, you have to tell me now" Him: "Well, your bf had major doubts at one point..." Me: "When? I don't believe you!" *He takes out his phone*......and the rest is history. No wonder why you like to hang out with this guy. He stirs up drama just like you do. What a creep.
nyc_guy2003 Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 We are all a close knit group and hang out on regular basis. His friend is actually a mutual friend (only he is much closer to my bf). I had coffee today with him and another girl from our group (my bf knew about this and had no issue with it). The girl left early and I was left with the guy whom I have always sensed has a mild crush on me. He asked me "How are things with BF?" I started gushing "Great ,actually. He met my parents, they loved him, I am soo happy etc etc". He said "I don't want you to get hurt here." I said "What do you mean, do you know something?" Him: "I probably shouldn't say..." Me: "Please, you have to tell me now" Him: "Well, your bf had major doubts at one point..." Me: "When? I don't believe you!" *He takes out his phone*......and the rest is history. And now I'm pretty sure he went back to the bf to tell him how you reacted.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 He said "I don't want you to get hurt here." I said "What do you mean, do you know something?" Him: "I probably shouldn't say..." Me: "Please, you have to tell me now" Him: "Well, your bf had major doubts at one point..." Me: "When? I don't believe you!" *He takes out his phone*......and the rest is history. This guy is not a real friend to your boyfriend, or to you. He is trying to stir some ****, probably so he can "console" you by banging you after the breakup. Seriously, I can't imagine a friend of my boyfriend saying the above to me and showing me his private texts. Can you imagine showing some guy who was dating your friend her private texts about him? I would immediately call him out for sneaking around behind my boyfriend/his friend like that, and I would probably tell my boyfriend what he had done.
Kamille Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 We are all a close knit group and hang out on regular basis. His friend is actually a mutual friend (only he is much closer to my bf). I had coffee today with him and another girl from our group (my bf knew about this and had no issue with it). The girl left early and I was left with the guy whom I have always sensed has a mild crush on me. He asked me "How are things with BF?" I started gushing "Great ,actually. He met my parents, they loved him, I am soo happy etc etc". He said "I don't want you to get hurt here." I said "What do you mean, do you know something?" Him: "I probably shouldn't say..." Me: "Please, you have to tell me now" Him: "Well, your bf had major doubts at one point..." Me: "When? I don't believe you!" *He takes out his phone*......and the rest is history. Let's sum up: You do have idealistic expectations. Say you grant him the right to have doubts and say you understand, as Chocolat so eloquently put it, that it's possible for the same person to experience a range of sometimes contradictory thoughts within a short period of time, as they work out their emotions. Say you hadn't build this is up to be in huge issue in your mind, and a symbol of his dubious character and his lack of love for you. Say, instead, you just took it as point of information. One that perhaps made you feel vulnerable, but that didn't make you question the whole relationship or his integrity. Say, instead of seeing him as an enemy, you approached him as someone who wants the relationship to work as much as you do. Say instead of overreacting, you just thought: "bummer. I do hope he feels more confident about us now!" How comfortable would you be with telling your boyfriend what happened? Would you feel comfortable discussing how you can make your relationship stronger, now that you've conquered some hurdles?
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 Kamille, Being myself is not going to do me any good. In my late teens - early 20's I was myself. I was quiet, shy wallflower. I had no friends and no guys wanted to date me. Then I learned to act a certain way and suddenly everything changed. I acquired truckload of friends and men wanted to date me. Sure, it's not ideal but it beats sitting at home and being alone. The sad thing is that when I act like myself (more quiet , more subdued - my boyfriend doesn't like it - that's when he had stated he had doubts). He only likes me when I am animated, loud, talkative. And before you say that there is a another guy that will like me for who I am - that's not true, it never happened. Perhaps I can not be myself and keep him. Perhaps that's my answer.
Ms. Joolie Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 We are all a close knit group and hang out on regular basis. His friend is actually a mutual friend (only he is much closer to my bf). I had coffee today with him and another girl from our group (my bf knew about this and had no issue with it). The girl left early and I was left with the guy whom I have always sensed has a mild crush on me. He asked me "How are things with BF?" I started gushing "Great ,actually. He met my parents, they loved him, I am soo happy etc etc". He said "I don't want you to get hurt here." I said "What do you mean, do you know something?" Him: "I probably shouldn't say..." Me: "Please, you have to tell me now" Him: "Well, your bf had major doubts at one point..." Me: "When? I don't believe you!" *He takes out his phone*......and the rest is history. This is just another example of *something happening* and you turn on the destructive autopilot - you immediately begin doubting, stressing, being insecure, reacting negatively, creating drama, etc. Once you are triggered, part of what you automatically do is start a thread. And it repeats over and over and over again. Perhaps a secure and confident person would have told this friend, "So what? We've had our drama in the past but we are still happy together and working on our relationship." That's it. It would have been the end. No drama. No cycle of doom.
Queen Zenobia Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Kamille, Being myself is not going to do me any good. In my late teens - early 20's I was myself. I was quiet, shy wallflower. I had no friends and no guys wanted to date me. Then I learned to act a certain way and suddenly everything changed. I acquired truckload of friends and men wanted to date me. Sure, it's not ideal but it beats sitting at home and being alone. The sad thing is that when I act like myself (more quiet , more subdued - my boyfriend doesn't like it - that's when he had stated he had doubts). He only likes me when I am animated, loud, talkative. And before you say that there is a another guy that will like me for who I am - that's not true, it never happened. Perhaps I can not be myself and keep him. Perhaps that's my answer. You are building a house with a lousy foundation (not being yourself). Let's say this (or some other relationship) lasts for several years. One day you will wake up and realize you've been living an illusion and you will be miserable. If you want this cycle to continue then so be it, but in my opinion you will never be happy being someone else.
Kamille Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Kamille, Being myself is not going to do me any good. In my late teens - early 20's I was myself. I was quiet, shy wallflower. I had no friends and no guys wanted to date me. Then I learned to act a certain way and suddenly everything changed. I acquired truckload of friends and men wanted to date me. Sure, it's not ideal but it beats sitting at home and being alone. The sad thing is that when I act like myself (more quiet , more subdued - my boyfriend doesn't like it - that's when he had stated he had doubts). He only likes me when I am animated, loud, talkative. And before you say that there is a another guy that will like me for who I am - that's not true, it never happened. Perhaps I can not be myself and keep him. Perhaps that's my answer. I'm not sure I agree that being shy is being yourself. I used to be shy because I had self-esteem issues. Certainly, my shyness is not my core identity. What else defines you? When do you feel most like a relaxed, happy version of yourself? When do you not censor yourself, or otherwise "act"? Again, ES, I'm pushing this point because I don't see how a relationship can truly bloom if one partner feels they can never be themselves and must always act. How friggin exhausting it must be for you!
Ruby Slippers Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Being myself is not going to do me any good. In my late teens - early 20's I was myself. I was quiet, shy wallflower. I had no friends and no guys wanted to date me. Then I learned to act a certain way and suddenly everything changed. I acquired truckload of friends and men wanted to date me. Sure, it's not ideal but it beats sitting at home and being alone. The sad thing is that when I act like myself (more quiet , more subdued - my boyfriend doesn't like it - that's when he had stated he had doubts). He only likes me when I am animated, loud, talkative. And before you say that there is a another guy that will like me for who I am - that's not true, it never happened. Perhaps I can not be myself and keep him. Perhaps that's my answer. The sad thing is that I relate to this. When I was younger, I was quiet, studious, and conscientious. As I got older, I learned that the more I can do to draw attention to myself -- talking louder, saying more provocative things, being flamboyant, dressing more like a peacock -- the more people want to be my friend and date me. Even my very quiet, slightly nerdy, intellectual boyfriend seemed to like me best when I was the sparkly center of attention. If we went to a party and I attracted a group of people who wanted to talk to me, he looked starstruck. I think it made him feel validated, more popular, like it elevated his status to be with the life of the party.
Kamille Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 This is just another example of *something happening* and you turn on the destructive autopilot - you immediately begin doubting, stressing, being insecure, reacting negatively, creating drama, etc. Once you are triggered, part of what you automatically do is start a thread. And it repeats over and over and over again. Perhaps a secure and confident person would have told this friend, "So what? We've had our drama in the past but we are still happy together and working on our relationship." That's it. It would have been the end. No drama. No cycle of doom. Amen! _________
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 I agree, the friend is a slimy creep. Perhaps I can discuss it with my bf without bringing the friend thing into it. (I know that he will focus on that and on bad mouthing his friend and I want him to focus on us). Maybe I can say: "Remember 2 months ago when I wanted to break up with you because I sensed that you were being distant? It's still kind of bugging me. You never actually explained why you were being distant and it would make me feel better if I knew. Are those issues still present? Perhaps it's something that I can work on to make our relationship stronger." Then if he refuses to talk about it, I can let it go and decide from there.
oaks Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Him: "Well, your bf had major doubts at one point..." Me: "When? I don't believe you!" I'm confused about the time line. Was he having major doubts at approximate the same time as, or soon after, you dumped him for about 20 hours? If so (and even if he denied it) I think that's entirely understandable.
rafallus Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 ES is too deep in Utopian fallacy - she expects to get everything perfect, and considers anything less to be not worth the effort. Except such mentality prevents you from doing anything at all.
Kamille Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I agree, the friend is a slimy creep. Perhaps I can discuss it with my bf without bringing the friend thing into it. (I know that he will focus on that and on bad mouthing his friend and I want him to focus on us). Maybe I can say: "Remember 2 months ago when I wanted to break up with you because I sensed that you were being distant? It's still kind of bugging me. You never actually explained why you were being distant and it would make me feel better if I knew. Are those issues still present? Perhaps it's something that I can work on to make our relationship stronger." Then if he refuses to talk about it, I can let it go and decide from there. I know you know your boyfriend best. However, the reason I was asking if you would feel comfortable sharing what happened with your bf if you otherwise hadn't built it up to be a big deal was because... You know what: in my book, what the friend did lacked class, you shouldn't have indulged him. However, I suspect you feel ashamed for what you did and are therefore trying to hide from your boyfriend. I believe, however, that your "hide it" reaction is disproportionate (probably because you link this to other instances when you snooped). You ended up talking about the past with his friend. Why would you feel so much shame about it that you want to avoid telling him what happened? Two things: If you aren't going to be honest about why you suddenly want to talk about two months ago (ie, that his friend told you he had had doubts) than don't bring it up. Again, you would only be trying to manipulate a situation, without giving him all the information. It wouldn't be fair to him. Second thing: what are the chances the friend will tell him about your conversation? Not that it's a huge let's all collectively panic moment. But just something to be aware of. Who would you rather he find out from: you or his friend?
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 The sad thing is that I relate to this. When I was younger, I was quiet, studious, and conscientious. As I got older, I learned that the more I can do to draw attention to myself -- talking louder, saying more provocative things, being flamboyant, dressing more like a peacock -- the more people want to be my friend and date me. Even my very quiet, slightly nerdy, intellectual boyfriend seemed to like me best when I was the sparkly center of attention. If we went to a party and I attracted a group of people who wanted to talk to me, he looked starstruck. I think it made him feel validated, more popular, like it elevated his status to be with the life of the party. Wow - I can really relate to this. I also dress differently, wear loud colors say things that are a mix of shocking and funny, be the center of attention by telling amusing stories at parties. My boyfriend looks at me in awe (and he is an introverted engineer, quite nerdy). It also gets me invited to everything and there is no shortage of people that want to be my friends. The night that I met him, I was tipsy and quite in my element. He actually told me later that he loved the bubbly blonde and that's why he asked me out. Naturally, I am not bubbly at all. I remember the evening after he got particularly distant. We had another couple over for dinner. I was tired after work and didn't feel energetic or able to put on a show. I sat back and didn't talk much. Just enough to stay in the conversation, but a lot less than I normally do. He made a comment afterwards "I am not liking the low energy". I didn't hear from him for 2 days after.
snug.bunny Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 These "posts" that you post, are all anxiety driven.... I really don't see the point in discussing the hows/whys, I think it would be so much more beneficial for you if you focus less on the details and instead, put that energy towards something that will assist with alleviation. I know the "environment" you are in, is much more comfortable for you and it's what you are familiar with, it takes a lot of courage to step outside of that.... Doesn't it....
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 I'm confused about the time line. Was he having major doubts at approximate the same time as, or soon after, you dumped him for about 20 hours? If so (and even if he denied it) I think that's entirely understandable. Nope - he had major doubts for 2 weeks BEFORE I dumped him. That's when I sensed him getting distant and decided to dump him.
oaks Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Nope - he had major doubts for 2 weeks BEFORE I dumped him. That's when I sensed him getting distant and decided to dump him. Oh I see. I wasn't sure which was cause and which was effect (or even if they were linked). Well, it sounds like your instincts were right when you dumped him that time, even though lots of people here (probably including me, I can't remember) said you were blowing things out of proportion. Can you work through this by discussing it with him? Having doubts, and denying that you have doubts (which seems to be what he did) isn't the worst thing he could do, and you're big enough to forgive him that small indiscretion.
Kamille Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 The night that I met him, I was tipsy and quite in my element. He actually told me later that he loved the bubbly blonde and that's why he asked me out. Naturally, I am not bubbly at all. Which is it ES? When you're relaxed and in your element, are you bubbly or not? (Why is being relaxed and in your element not "natural?"; what's being "natural" to you?) Why do you assume you are being yourself only when you're tired, shy, feeling anxious or pessimistic? I'm not saying you should be bubbly and high energy all the time. I believe your perception of yourself are skewed. You believe you are your coping mechanisms (anxiety, shyness, fatigue, pessimism). So, when you're relaxed, well-rested, in your element: who are you?
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 Oh I see. I wasn't sure which was cause and which was effect (or even if they were linked). Well, it sounds like your instincts were right when you dumped him that time, even though lots of people here (probably including me, I can't remember) said you were blowing things out of proportion. Can you work through this by discussing it with him? Having doubts, and denying that you have doubts (which seems to be what he did) isn't the worst thing he could do, and you're big enough to forgive him that small indiscretion. Exactly. My instincts were spot on. And I was told on here that I was being crazy. Even my boyfriend denied that my instincts were right. This is now the second time I caught him in a lie. I am just pissed that I am repeatedly told to get counseling when really, I was just perceptively sensing something being off in this relationship. And it's really hard for me to believe that he didn't like me to the point of seriously considering breaking up 2 months ago and suddenly he is madly in love with me. Something just doesn't gel here.
Star Gazer Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I remember the evening after he got particularly distant. We had another couple over for dinner. I was tired after work and didn't feel energetic or able to put on a show. I sat back and didn't talk much. Just enough to stay in the conversation, but a lot less than I normally do. He made a comment afterwards "I am not liking the low energy". I didn't hear from him for 2 days after. What a d*ck! But at the same time, he's saying jump, and you're asking how high.
Ms. Joolie Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Wow - I can really relate to this. I also dress differently, wear loud colors say things that are a mix of shocking and funny, be the center of attention by telling amusing stories at parties. My boyfriend looks at me in awe (and he is an introverted engineer, quite nerdy). It also gets me invited to everything and there is no shortage of people that want to be my friends. The night that I met him, I was tipsy and quite in my element. He actually told me later that he loved the bubbly blonde and that's why he asked me out. Naturally, I am not bubbly at all. I remember the evening after he got particularly distant. We had another couple over for dinner. I was tired after work and didn't feel energetic or able to put on a show. I sat back and didn't talk much. Just enough to stay in the conversation, but a lot less than I normally do. He made a comment afterwards "I am not liking the low energy". I didn't hear from him for 2 days after. And days later you all are dancing in the bathtub and screaming "We're in love" with each other. I loved your "He LOVES me" thread... I didn't get to comment on your happiness but it gave such a beautiful feeling. Ok I know you weren't dancing in the bathtub exactly, but still. You can go with the good feelings that lift your relationship or the bad ones that destroy it. Your choice, his choice and your choice together. It's already been said here and countless times that relationships have their ups and downs. Your boyfriend was so cute by calling it the teething process.
oaks Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I am just pissed that I am repeatedly told to get counseling when really, I was just perceptively sensing something being off in this relationship. Well maybe it was just a co-incidence that you were right. I mean, those guys who walk around with the "The End of the World is Nigh" signs will be right one day, and then they'll be saying "told you so". Ok, ok, so you were right. Since you love him, see if you can talk to him and work it out. Relationships aren't supposed to be easy, or we'd all be doing it.
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