Art_Critic Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I really need to space out these arguments Instead of spacing them out maybe you could work harder at not even having one. Why make issues when there clearly are not issues ? so he had doubts.. big deal... any doubts he might have at this moment today you are creating by creating these petty arguments.
denise_xo Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 The thing is, I am in love with him now. Breaking up will hurt me majorly. I don't want to misjudge the situation and make a mistake that I will regret. I also don't want to invest more if he doesn't feel the same way. Yet, talking to him truly isn't an option right now. Perhaps in a few weeks time. I really need to space out these arguments Love won't sustain a relationship in the long run if there is no trust. If you don't trust him, and you can't discuss it with him to resolve it, I vote pull out.
Kamille Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 The thing is, I am in love with him now. Breaking up will hurt me majorly. I don't want to misjudge the situation and make a mistake that I will regret. I also don't want to invest more if he doesn't feel the same way. I agree with AC here. If you're in love with him and committed to the relationship, than stop looking for problems and look for ways to make your relationship stronger. Stop looking for issues and building a case against him. And I repeat repeat repeat: Never have a discussion with his friends you wouldn't be willing to share with him. Yet, talking to him truly isn't an option right now. Perhaps in a few weeks time. I really need to space out these arguments Or is the issue that you don't feel comfortable telling him about the discussion you just had with his friend? Again, I suggested a non-confrontational way of seeking reassurance, not some major drama fest. The way I see it, you can approach this in a positive productive way.
denise_xo Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I wanted to add this to my last post but was too late: I don't think you will find a single relationship were both partners have always been equally into each other. Relationships ebb and flow, that's their nature. You need to accept that as an inherent part of being in a relationship. Sometimes you have to fight for someone to keep them. That's when you know that you really love them, and that you have met someone very special.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 The only thing that will make this relationship stronger is if I show up this weekend, positive, smily, sexy and fun. Anything else will weaken it. Trust me on this, I know the dynamics. So I can either do that or break up. It would actually be much easier for me to tell him this and to have him re-assure me. It's just the wrong thing to do if I want to stay with him.
oaks Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Yet, talking to him truly isn't an option right now. Perhaps in a few weeks time. I really need to space out these arguments He'll be in Europe with all the loose women we have here in a few weeks time. He won't have time to talk to you then!
denise_xo Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 The only thing that will make this relationship stronger is if I show up this weekend, positive, smily, sexy and fun. Anything else will weaken it. Trust me on this, I know the dynamics. So I can either do that or break up. It would actually be much easier for me to tell him this and to have him re-assure me. It's just the wrong thing to do if I want to stay with him. Well, I think you are just reconfirming that you have a relationship where you can't communicate, then. But I disagree that discussing things in a constructive manner is the wrong thing to do. I also don't think it's easy. But it's the only way through relationship hurdles.
Star Gazer Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 The only thing that will make this relationship stronger is if I show up this weekend, positive, smily, sexy and fun. Anything else will weaken it. If you have to put on an act to even keep your relationship alive, then, as Kamille says, your relationship is a charade.
Kamille Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 (edited) What do you think would happen if you stopped acting like the perfect girl friend and started just being yourself? I mean, not the fearful, distrustful, anxiety-riden persona you can be, which isn't who you are anyway, but an expression of your anxieties (a twarted self). Would the relationship collapse? What about going to see him this weekend, with no script ( such as your "positive, smily, sexy and fun")? What about not trying to control the desired outcome? What about not trying to control the situation and his responses to you? Do you think that, perhaps then, you might start to trust him? Edited June 29, 2011 by Kamille
tigressA Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Well, I think you are just reconfirming that you have a relationship where you can't communicate, then. But I disagree that discussing things in a constructive manner is the wrong thing to do. I also don't think it's easy. But it's the only way through relationship hurdles. Exactly. It's not easy at all, but talking about issues like this really do help. I had confessed to my boyfriend the extent of the snooping/keeping tabs on him that I had done, and he was upset because of my lack of trust in him but he didn't walk away from me. I almost didn't tell him because I was worried he would leave me if he knew, and I didn't want our relationship to end. ES, your boyfriend already knows that you are insecure. He doesn't know the full extent of it, but he knows some of it. This is why your last thread existed--he feels he has to walk on eggshells around you because of your insecurities. I think that while he will likely feel very upset about things you've done (the snooping), making yourself vulnerable to him and 'fessing up may also make him want to reassure you. If he does break up with you then, well...you've been thinking about breaking up with him, so it shouldn't be that much of a loss in the end, right? And if you stay together, then you've just overcome a huge hurdle and strengthened your bond.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 It read something like "I am just not sure about this relationship. There are things about her that I don't like. Sometimes, she is just too quiet. I think that she really likes me though but last 2 weeks I haven't even felt that much of a spark. There are couple of other girls after me but I am not going to do anything until I see this thing through with ES" This was around 2 months ago. I was still keeping crazy in check then. That was also around the time when I sensed that he is being distant and attempted to break up with him. His next text read "She now wants to break up with me and I think it's because she senses my doubt. I have the perfect out. I just don't know if I should let it go or try to talk her into coming back. The worst thing is that now my doubts have increased 10-fold." . The next day he called me crying and begged me not to break up. WTF. He actually said that he has "absolutely no doubt about us". Again, a blatant lie. He is definitely your male counterpart. Unsure of what he wants, insecure, conflicted, full of doubt, obsessed over "the spark", hot and cold, and all over the place. If you can continue to suffer each other's deep neuroses and insecurities, this could be a match made in heaven.
vsmini Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 The only thing that will make this relationship stronger is if I show up this weekend, positive, smily, sexy and fun. Anything else will weaken it. Trust me on this, I know the dynamics. FALSE - it will make the relationship weaker. It will only prolong this torture chamber you call a relationship. Fake it to make it? I don't think that's a good idea.
Ms. Joolie Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I disagree that talking about any of your insecurities anymore with your boyfriend is a good idea. He is not a therapist. He is in the relationship to be in a relationship and to enjoy a relationship - not to console or counsel you. You continue to be a dead weight on the relationship. It is a burden. It seems you are bringing nothing but negativity to the relationship. It is tiring, dull, boring and ugly. I want the best for you, but you have to want the best for you - in thoughts, words, deeds and action. You have to work for it. Stop reacting to worst-cast scenarios and start being in a relationship as you want it with your boyfriend.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 Yeah Ruby, he has a truckload of his own issues. I even memorized the exact time of the text he sent to his friend about his doubts now being 10-fold and not being sure if he should talk me into coming back. Only 5 minutes BEFORE that text, he has sent me a loving e-mail telling me how much he likes me and how big of a mistake I am making in breaking up. I mean truly, WTF.
vsmini Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Yeah Ruby, he has a truckload of his own issues. I even memorized the exact time of the text he sent to his friend about his doubts now being 10-fold and not being sure if he should talk me into coming back. Only 5 minutes BEFORE that text, he has sent me a loving e-mail telling me how much he likes me and how big of a mistake I am making in breaking up. I mean truly, WTF. He doesn't love you. You don't love him. ^both issues come down to neither one of you not knowing what love is. Whatever dance you two are doing - it's not love. It.is.not. You both have issues. You both have doubts. You both need to be single.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 I disagree that talking about any of your insecurities anymore with your boyfriend is a good idea. He is not a therapist. He is in the relationship to be in a relationship and to enjoy a relationship - not to console or counsel you. You continue to be a dead weight on the relationship. It is a burden. It seems you are bringing nothing but negativity to the relationship. It is tiring, dull, boring and ugly. I want the best for you, but you have to want the best for you - in thoughts, words, deeds and action. You have to work for it. Stop reacting to worst-cast scenarios and start being in a relationship as you want it with your boyfriend. Yes - I 100% agree with this. This is not Disney world where you can share all your negativity and your partner will only feel closer to you. This relationship absolutely can not stand any more negativity. He needs to enjoy the time he spends with me or he will get out. I have no doubt about that.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 He doesn't love you. You don't love him. ^both issues come down to neither one of you not knowing what love is. Whatever dance you two are doing - it's not love. It.is.not. You both have issues. You both have doubts. You both need to be single. I do love him - I know that. He doesn't love me.
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 In this case you're not being "too idealistic", you're being "too selfish and self-centered". I can't believe how absurd this whole ordeal is. No kidding. Now, and not for the first time, I cannot even believe that ES and her scenarios are real. WHAT people in their 30's show texts from their best friend (especially GUYS) to that guy's girlfriend in order to mess up a relationship? Has anyone ever even heard of such a thing? And, if this is actually something that happened in real life, can you IMAGINE the lead up to the guy getting around to sharing these texts? I mean, what would you, ES, even be doing alone with this guy, confabulating about your relationship problems with his "best friend," and going through his cell phone with him? Was there wheedling, crying, begging, sharing private details? Of course there was (again, unless this whole thing is a tall tale). If it's real (please don't let it be so, my faith in humanity is dwindling with every word I read about this relationship) is that "appropriate"? Where was the boyfriend (whom you are not supposed to see until Friday) while you were hanging out with his friend, who has the hots for you, reading private correspondence from him? What on Earth are you playing? What are YOUR PERSONAL ETHICS AND STANDARDS FOR YOURSELF??? Do you have ANY? Or, does it all begin and end with "I need other people in my world to make me feel super fabulous every single moment of their existence ... or else they're evil." Monumentally sick. Okay, I am 100% convinced that either you need to dump him within the next 5 minutes (and never, never mention him again), or realize that you seem to have fallen into a pool of people on the same level of dysfunction as you are, and embrace that with all you've got.
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I do love him - I know that. No, you don't. You evidently (VERY evidently) have no idea of what love is. None. Calling your ... emotional blackmail ... "love" is an insult to the amazing gift that "love" is. Learn what "love" is and how to PRACTICE love before you bother with any more of these charades.
denise_xo Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I do love him - I know that. He doesn't love me. In which case - leave.
BetheButterfly Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 He doesn't love you. You don't love him. ^both issues come down to neither one of you not knowing what love is. Whatever dance you two are doing - it's not love. It.is.not. You both have issues. You both have doubts. You both need to be single. I am sad to say I am beginning to agree with this. ES, you don't know what love is. You need to take a break from seeking whatever you consider love from a man until you are ready. You're not ready now. Even though it will hurt both you and him, I suggest breaking up with him, telling him that you need to work on your issues, and then please go to a good counselor who can help you with all these insecurities and fears that are tormenting you. It seems like you are in a horror movie, when you are looking on every side for your enemy to pounce on you, and you suspect your boyfriend to be the enemy. This is not a healthy relationship. This is a relationship tortured with the whip of fear. Please tell him that you are not ready for a relationship, that it is hard to tell him bye, but that you need to get professional counseling. It may not be what you want, but what you need right now is counseling, not a boyfriend. That's not a bad thing. A person who is in a car accident and got hurt needs a doctor, right? A person who has been hurt so much in the past, as you have, needs a counselor. Please get help so you can heal.
oaks Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I do love him - I know that. He doesn't love me. I thought he said he did?
Chocolat Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Yeah Ruby, he has a truckload of his own issues. I even memorized the exact time of the text he sent to his friend about his doubts now being 10-fold and not being sure if he should talk me into coming back. Only 5 minutes BEFORE that text, he has sent me a loving e-mail telling me how much he likes me and how big of a mistake I am making in breaking up. I mean truly, WTF. Isn't it possible he was confused and possibly doing a little buffering for his friend? You'd just told him you wanted to break up. He didn't want this so he told you it was a mistake. At the same time, he was discussing the r/s with nis so-called friend and expressed doubts. Can't both positions be legitimate? I am sure your decision to break up caused or exacerbated doubt in him. He may have heightened that a bit even top put on a brave front for his friend. At the same time, he may have honestly told you what he thought - that it was a mistake. ES, life isn't so black and white and people don't act and feel in a vacuum. When you are loving and confident toward your bf, this results in him feeling loving and confident in return. Just as you are attenuated to his moods, he is to yours. Stop labeling his conflicted feelings as lies. Reread some of your threads here, including the recent "He lied to me" thread. In that one thread, your emotions are all over the place, from having wonderful make-up sex to wondering if you should end things. Your emotions changed rapidly. Does that mean you lied? Or does it mean that when events are confusing, emotions can run out of control? And if that can happen for you, why can't it also happen for him? BTW, NSA guy is real inasmuch as it shows that you also had doubts. And whereas your bf was willing to "see things through" with you, you had a different response. Which is healthier? If you were outside your r/s, which person's behavior (all of it) would you classify as more honorable? Your bf obviously cares about you or he'd be gone. If you also care about him, work on building bridges, not moats.
vsmini Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I do love him - I know that. He doesn't love me. You "love" him because he threw a little attention your way, put up with your BS and cried in front of you - which made you feel special. Love isn't sneaking behind his back and being dishonest or omitting your snooping. Love isn't telling him you're going to end it and then wait around for him to end it. Love isn't games. Love isn't walled up, pent up insecurity and constant drama. Maybe you do love him but I just don't understand how that's possible. We must have very, very different visions of what love is.
BetheButterfly Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 No, you don't. You evidently (VERY evidently) have no idea of what love is. None. Calling your ... emotional blackmail ... "love" is an insult to the amazing gift that "love" is. Learn what "love" is and how to PRACTICE love before you bother with any more of these charades. Agreed, ES, love is not just a mushy, pleasant emotion. Love is action. Love is strong. Love puts the other person before oneself. Love includes the pleasant emotion, but it is not just an emotion. It's way more than that. You may feel like you want to cling to your boyfriend, and consider that to be love? However, that is not love. That is a desperate feeling of not wanting to be alone and of wanting that person to make you happy. Again, that is not love. Love is more powerful than happiness or not feeling alone.
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