DollWelch Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 More and more men I have encountered choose not to disclose how much they make; primarily within the first few weeks of knowing them. Recently, I started to put the pieces together for this concept with the man I have been getting to know. At first, whenever salary was mentioned during conversation (and no, not because I brought up the topic!) during one of our many discussions, he'd say he made decent money ( -ie, later to find out otherwise). In my opinion decent money would be around 40K - 50K (this various person to person depending on your definition of decent). I didn't hold him making decent money against him, infact, I applauded his hard work and commitment given his field of work. But now, or rather just a while ago, he professed that he actually makes 6 figures -but chooses not to disclose this to every woman he meets. This got me thinking. Does he now trust me enough to disclose this kind of information? I remember him asking me specific questions related to handling finances. Does this mean I passed all his tests, seeing if I'm a gold-digger or not? Thoughts?
Saxis Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 It'd definitely take more than a few weeks before I'd divulge that information. Past exclusive at least and probably not until love, so months maybe. Of course she'll probably have a pretty good idea before then anyway. My hesitation stems from my XW though... Hiding bills and credit card statements from me, keeping a secret bank account. Ultimately sticking me with some debt when she decided to cheat and leave. She didn't work, either. Any future partners should able to support themselves, but this does not mean I wouldn't be willing to be a "bread winner" again with the right person. I'm just gonna make damn sure it is the right person first! Until then, she doesn't need to know...
vsmini Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 My boyfriend and I have been together about 7 months now. Since he just got his new job he was talking money for a bit and every so often I would drop info about how much I made, only since it pertained to certain conversations. Since a couple weeks ago we have seriously been considering moving in together and I think that's an okay time to really lay the details of your pay on the line. As a couple you most likely will be sharing some expenses so it's useful information to have. If we weren't talking about moving in together I doubt we'd have shared exactly how much we make.
thatone Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 (edited) i'm honest about it up front. don't really see any point in hiding it. i'm going to judge a reaction to the truth at some point might as well be when i'm figuring out the rest of the things you figure out in the first couple of dates. i make a little over 180k a year. But now, or rather just a while ago, he professed that he actually makes 6 figures -but chooses not to disclose this to every woman he meets. This got me thinking. Does he now trust me enough to disclose this kind of information? I remember him asking me specific questions related to handling finances. Does this mean I passed all his tests, seeing if I'm a gold-digger or not? Thoughts? yes, that's basically what his admission is telling you. he's looking to avoid someone who can't do anything well but shop, who will spend him dry and then casually walk away when he cuts the credit cards off. i don't personally use the same method but can understand why he does. Edited June 28, 2011 by thatone
musemaj11 Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I heard on the radio about a 33 year old virgin who makes a six figure salary but can't get a woman because he always insists on telling women that he makes $30k a year on the first dates. Anyway, you don't need to worry about getting screwed over financially as long as you don't get married. You can tell a woman you make millions right away and she take a penny of it as long as you don't stupidly give her legal access to it.
Disillusioned Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 This is one of those damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't issues. If a man makes less than, say, $50K or so, he's not going to be considered much of a potential provider by women. OTOH if he really does make 6 figures or more, he'll have good reason not to say so, because he's not a sugar daddy looking for a gold digger. If a woman makes a lot of money, she's in a no-win situation. The average man will probably think she's just looking for a gigolo to make her feel like a lady.
Art_Critic Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I never really did disclose it when I was dating, I only picked a number that suited my lifestyle.. To me there is quite the difference between making 6 figures a year and saving 30-40% of that and making 6 figures a year and spending it all. If someone spends all the six figure money they make then they are essentially broke..IMO What someone tells you they make means nothing.. absolutely nothing unless they have a decent net worth and save for their future. So...DW.. I wouldn't sweat about someone who isn't upfront about his income since income is only as good as your last paycheck. It isn't that he doesn't trust you and you have passed all the Gold Digger tests.. it's just he wants to be liked for being himself rather than for wyhat he can buy someone. i make a little over 180k a year. ... She didn't ask you how much you make... I guess you couldn't wait to get that one in there thatone..
TheLawmaker Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Once you say "I am dating you." Until then, it's none of their business.
Disillusioned Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Ironically, some of the people who ended up rich nowadays were poor when they were younger. They got rich and stayed rich by being frugal. Aristotle Onassis has been dead for years, but he said when he was young and poor, he always tried to keep a good address. Essentially, he played the part well enough to be accepted and taught the tricks of the trade by other rich people. So, it's not always what you know or who you know... but what you do with what you know.
callingyouuu Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 This got me thinking. Does he now trust me enough to disclose this kind of information? I remember him asking me specific questions related to handling finances. Does this mean I passed all his tests, seeing if I'm a gold-digger or not? Thoughts? I think he was testing you, but I wouldn't take it personally. From his perspective, it makes complete sense to make sure someone likes him for who he is rather than the number printed on his paycheck.
alexlakeman Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I disclose as soon as they sign a Confidentiality Agreement. But seriously, the times I've openly disclosed is when I've been in relationships; not just dating someone. That is very personal information. But you can more or less get an idea based on their career. The woman I am seeing now is an admin assistant; so she's in the high 30's - low 40's for sure; for example... If she says she is a CFO; then I know she is in the $100K +, likely $150K+ ...
thatone Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 (edited) ... She didn't ask you how much you make... I guess you couldn't wait to get that one in there thatone.. as museman suggested it's not really a big deal, none of us are getting married based on what's said on loveshack. none of you can reach through the internet and grab my wallet either. it's applicable to the conversation. i've made a posts in about 3 threads on this forum on the topic of money, and i didn't start any of them. if i wanted to brag i could, but i don't. as i stated in one of those other threads low six digits isn't exactly bill gates or warren buffet. for people in the salary range i'm in typically it goes like...irs takes a third, house/cars/etc take a third, and you get the other third, so it's not always sunshine and roses to be honest. Edited June 29, 2011 by thatone
reboot Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Shortly before a man proposes. None of her business until she has that decision to make.
tigressA Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I don't know how much my boyfriend makes. He hasn't told me, and I haven't asked because I don't care. We've been together about 5 months and cohabiting for more than half that. As for your question, I think he was testing you. Like Calling said, I wouldn't take it personally. He's probably had a lot of women after his wallet.
tman666 Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I think it's necessary to discuss such matters when two people start to live together. At that point, you sort of start to take on more of a "household" view of things rather than a "mine" and "yours" view of things, unless you plan on having a roommate rather than a partner. At that point, I think it's important to get ballpark ideas of what both people are able to contribute.
Saxis Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Shortly before a man proposes. None of her business until she has that decision to make. You want her to make that decision right after she finds out what your salary is?
reboot Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 You want her to make that decision right after she finds out what your salary is? I said that sort of tongue in cheek. The point is, the relationship should be fairly serious before such matters need to be discussed. Getting engaged, pondering marriage, considering moving in together.....
thatone Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I said that sort of tongue in cheek. The point is, the relationship should be fairly serious before such matters need to be discussed. Getting engaged, pondering marriage, considering moving in together..... that's not really feasible, to be honest. if you're dating someone as soon as you find their full name you can find out if they own a house or not, you simply look at the tax assessor's webpage for the county you live in. and if they're from different classes/income levels one is going to have a better car, and better clothes, and other such things. it will be obvious.
reboot Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 that's not really feasible, to be honest. if you're dating someone as soon as you find their full name you can find out if they own a house or not, you simply look at the tax assessor's webpage for the county you live in. and if they're from different classes/income levels one is going to have a better car, and better clothes, and other such things. it will be obvious. If you want to play private detective and snoop on my background more power to you, but I won't discuss it with you even so.
Saxis Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 that's not really feasible, to be honest. if you're dating someone as soon as you find their full name you can find out if they own a house or not, you simply look at the tax assessor's webpage for the county you live in. and if they're from different classes/income levels one is going to have a better car, and better clothes, and other such things. it will be obvious. That's what I figure too. She doesn't need to know the exact numbers, but she can probably make a good guess by these things... sometimes. People usually think I make WAY more than I do based on my profession and my car. Little do they know, I work for a non-profit and got a REALLY good deal on the car.
oaks Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 More and more men I have encountered choose not to disclose how much they make; primarily within the first few weeks of knowing them. Does this need to be disclosed at all? What good comes from it, or what value does knowing or sharing the information hold? I can see some sense in disclosing that "yes, I have a full time permanent job in the xyz industry and I am solvent, not declared bankrupt, and don't have any significant debt (apart from a house mortgage)" (assuming any/all of that is true... it's just an example) but what's the point in sharing detailed salary info?
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