Author wallacemia Posted June 29, 2011 Author Share Posted June 29, 2011 Just because you're a nice fellow with a Ph.D from a Western university doesn't mean that she's going to fall in love with you. From what you've written so far, I think you think you're a catch and in your culture, you probably are. You have paper qualifications and excellent as those are, you and she still need to build a strong marital bond. You definitely don't have a bond right now so why not make the effort to build it. If it doesn't happen then at least you can say you tried and it didn't work. How exactly are you trying to woo her? What do you say to her? What does she say when you make these attempts? You are right. I am trying to woo her by taking her out to movies (there are lots of cinema halls in Mumbai), plays and dinners. She is joyful when I do that. Actually her parents live 50 kms away from my home in a city called navi mumbai. But i am staying in mumbai proper so i have lots of entertainment choices. Also, having studied in the US for my PhD in Biotech, I am fond of hollywood movies and I guess so is she, though she also likes Indian cinema. I actually leave office around 6 p.m. and reach home by 7. She reaches around 6 30 (she works as chartered accountant). Travelling is hectic in Mumbai so we are very tired by the time we reach home. But we still manage to find time to talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wallacemia Posted June 29, 2011 Author Share Posted June 29, 2011 I must say there is alot of wonderful thoughtful advice here for you! I was thinking about your situation and a similar situation with a female cousin I have. She too waited until she was in her 30's to be married, having pursued higher education and working long hours in the medical field up until she met a man with a similar history and decided to marry. When she married, it seemed to me she did so only because she thought she had to do so, to please her family and move out of their house. Not because she genuinely loved or wanted the man she married. After several years of unhappy marriage she divorced and moved back in with her family. She is now in her 40's, and some relatives wonder if she is gay, although she has never said she was gay. If she were gay, my cousin would NEVER reveal it. She simply would never want to upset her family with this type revelation. I feel in my heart she would rather live out her life single, than upset her family with that kind of information. I don't know if any of that applies to your situation. But it does seem your wife is unhappy and difficult to live with, which is disappointing to you and makes you unhappy. You deserve to be happy, so does she. Unfortunately, I learned from my marriage, some people are never happy. They simply thrive on negativity and unhappiness. It seems to me the path to your happiness in the future is honest communication between you both, to find out what is going on, and to discover if it is worth your time to try to work on the issues in your marriage or to move on with a divorce and finding another spouse. My main message would be from my experience - don't stay in a marriage that is unhappy and not working. Life is too short! I am ready to give this relationship more time to develop. I don't think she is gay (though there are many gays in Mumbai like in San Francisco). Link to post Share on other sites
Afishwithabike Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 I give you credit for trying to make the best of this situation. You've come back and posted without getting very defensive. It's wonderful that you two go to the films together. That she's happy during those occasions is also positive. You need more interactions like that with just the two of you away from other family members. Maybe you could do a weekend far from home. You need to find things to talk about other than bills, your job, your family or hers. I hope for your sake you find love, passion, and excitement in the marriage. You may. Or you may have comfort, respect, and no passion or romance. Maybe you can live with that kind of marriage too. Only time will tell... Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Learning Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 (edited) As I think about it, my view of your situation may have been too extreme due to my circumstances of my married life. My situation was extreme because I was married to a highly dysfunctional individual. So my experience was extreme and therefore my opinions lean on the extreme side. I like the other advice you have been given much better now. I can see you are a thoughtful individual with a great disposition and even keel. You are not easily angered nor defensive. Given time, if you wife does not have major dysfunction or major mental problems, she may realize you are someone she could indeed love and be attracted to. She may just need time to grow attracted to you and your good qualities. One thing about these Bollywood/ Hollywood movies - they are romantic, exciting and funny. She may yearn for her life to be more romantic and less filled with the rigors of mundane and repetitive work (I too have an accounting degree). Thinking of myself if I were to have been directed into an arranged marriage due to it being the cultural norm in my family, I might have felt like my life had come to an end! I am sure I would have longed for romance and passion and to have a husband I was easily attracted to. If I was not physically and emotionally attracted to him, that would have sent me into a spiraling depression. We are all only human after all, this is a very natural phenomenon. Therefore, give her time to get to know you. And take a long look at yourself. Do you offer her any sensuality and passion? (Find a book on Tantric sex along with a book about the Karma Sutra and read all about it until you are very familiar with the concept. These concepts were developed in your culture to begin with! And, they are AWESOME!!). Do you continue to work on developing your sense of humor? (Not negative, sarcastic type humor, but gentle and positive humor, the abilty to smile and laugh at some of the absurdities in life and our own mistakes). Think about how you could make life more enjoyable for her, as a man. As someone she would be interested in getting to know more. You can become an adventure she has embarked on, rather than a prison sentence she has to serve out. All the best to you! Edited June 29, 2011 by Forever Learning Link to post Share on other sites
Author wallacemia Posted July 3, 2011 Author Share Posted July 3, 2011 As I think about it, my view of your situation may have been too extreme due to my circumstances of my married life. My situation was extreme because I was married to a highly dysfunctional individual. So my experience was extreme and therefore my opinions lean on the extreme side. I like the other advice you have been given much better now. I can see you are a thoughtful individual with a great disposition and even keel. You are not easily angered nor defensive. Given time, if you wife does not have major dysfunction or major mental problems, she may realize you are someone she could indeed love and be attracted to. She may just need time to grow attracted to you and your good qualities. One thing about these Bollywood/ Hollywood movies - they are romantic, exciting and funny. She may yearn for her life to be more romantic and less filled with the rigors of mundane and repetitive work (I too have an accounting degree). Thinking of myself if I were to have been directed into an arranged marriage due to it being the cultural norm in my family, I might have felt like my life had come to an end! I am sure I would have longed for romance and passion and to have a husband I was easily attracted to. If I was not physically and emotionally attracted to him, that would have sent me into a spiraling depression. We are all only human after all, this is a very natural phenomenon. Therefore, give her time to get to know you. And take a long look at yourself. Do you offer her any sensuality and passion? (Find a book on Tantric sex along with a book about the Karma Sutra and read all about it until you are very familiar with the concept. These concepts were developed in your culture to begin with! And, they are AWESOME!!). Do you continue to work on developing your sense of humor? (Not negative, sarcastic type humor, but gentle and positive humor, the abilty to smile and laugh at some of the absurdities in life and our own mistakes). Think about how you could make life more enjoyable for her, as a man. As someone she would be interested in getting to know more. You can become an adventure she has embarked on, rather than a prison sentence she has to serve out. All the best to you! Thanks. I am giving her more time and space and assuming for the moment that she isnt having any affair. Will be going out with her for a movie tonight and followed by a dinner. Lets see how this turns out. Her parents invited us for dinner yesterday and it went well. I think they are also trying to woo me and they know that their daughter will need persuasion and time to adjust. I have hinted to them that I am having a difficult time and it seems they are already aware. After marriage, I became aware of the fact that it isnt smooth sailing as is shown on soap operas and movies. Best case scenario things will turn out well, worst case, it will be all over but i would have learnt manylessons in life. Wish me luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Learning Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 I think your attitude regarding this situation is great. Life is one big learning experience for all of us. All the best to you and your wife and families. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wallacemia Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 still giving time for the relationship to develop. continuing my outings withmy other half. thursday night so we will catch up a movie. tranformers 3! yeah its michael bay crap but its good to sometimes enjoy movies without using brains. dinner afterwards. so far so good. at imax 3d in mumbai. Link to post Share on other sites
Afishwithabike Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 I agree Transformers 3 is crap. My husband enjoys films like that so I go with him. I'm glad you're taking things slow. Keep us updated and best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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