Anxiety, Depression, Insomnia

[KathyM]

These last 5 months are really catching up to me. I've been cyclical with depression since I was a teenager. The anxiety I've had since I was a child. It's the anxiety that is so hard to deal with. People that don't have anxiety, don't understand how crazy it can be at times. I sometimes wonder how I function given the level of panic I live with.

 

I have General Anxiety Disorder. The only way to explain it is to liken it to this: You know that feeling of being startled? Something jumps out at you, there is a scary moment in a movie you weren't expecting... Your heart jumps into your throat, your heart beats so loud, it echo's in your ear drums, your hair stands on end, butterflies in the stomach... Your body goes into panic mode for a few seconds before slowly returning to normal. For me, my body is ALWAYS in that moment. My body feels like an engine on constant panic overdrive and it's so exhausting. It's accompanied by constant worrying/ruminating. Basically my brain and body never shut off. To top it off, I have insomnia. Imagine trying to fall asleep when your body is constantly in that "fight or flight" mode and you can't stop thinking.

 

I will often collapse from exhaustion most nights, only to wake up after a couple hours of sleep with my heart beating like it's going to come out of my chest. My sleeping pill prescription just doesn't work anymore and I'm at the maximum dosage.

 

Combining the anxiety with not being able to sleep is probably making my depression a lot worse. I just stayed in and wept most of the day today. I feel like the last 5 months has just caught up with me and I've hit my breaking point. I'm just so exhausted.

 

This has happened in the past, it's a cycle for me. It's also a cycle for me to go on meds, feel better, and go off of the meds because I convince myself I don't need them anymore.

 

These last 5 months have been really hard. The miscarriage, then the break up- not to mention my job is an endless source of stress. I can't even have a true day off - I am fielding an average of 5 calls from work on a day off because I always need to be available everyday when the stores are open. I've been holding things together as best as I can, presenting in public like a normal trouble free person.

 

The last couple of days I have just started breaking down. I've just been privately weeping whenever I can find a moment to be alone.

 

My depression is often situational. Always triggered by a traumatic event. In my case, it's the miscarriage and getting dumped right after. I don't really talk a lot about my own issues in real life to people. I feel like everyone needs me, and I have to play that role. That's why I feel okay about posting here- but also feeling guilty about asking for help (I always do when I ask for help here).

 

I feel like an Alien trying to explain anxiety and how debilitating it can be.

Does anyone else feel this level of anxiety?

I can sympathize with you, dear. My niece has an anxiety disorder and gets panic attacks at times. One of my other relatives has bipolar disorder. The key to battling this illness is to stay on your meds and see your psychiatrist regularly. You need that to balance your brain chemicals. Don't try to manage without the meds. You will relapse without them. Make an appointment with your psychiatrist ASAP and start taking them again.

[sb129]

D-Lish, I know what you mean re: sleep. I had a total meltdown last weekend from exhaustion, anxiety, stress and depression. Ended up needing to sleep for four hours during the day and really freaked my husband out.

Went to doctor and got myself back on citalopram, and am feeling a million times better as am getting proper nights sleep.

 

It makes the world of difference!

[betterdeal]

I guess I just thought that it was barely a 6 month relationship, and here I am approaching 4 months of grieving- and as much as I am not bawling every night, I still miss him terribly.

 

You have a big heart, that's all.

[betterdeal]

I have rested well, two nights in a row- a full sleep- I can't tell you how much it's made a difference just to SLEEP. People take the ability to sleep for granted, It's so important.

 

Sorry, I felt judged for taking meds, I probably came off as a bitch, I'm not meaning to. It's just that after such a long time of not being able to sleep because ny anxiety has taken that from me- I feel like I have won the lottery.

 

I've had sleep for the last couple of nights- unheard of for me for months/years- I can't describe how much better I feel just...getting...sleep.

 

It's the best, isn't it?

 

Friend of mine, his parents are a top heart surgeon (father) and a GP (mother). I remember going around to his house as a teenager and his mother would be curled up in front of the fire on the rug, having a nap. His parents would look after his cannabis plant whilst he was at university, but forbade smoking cigarettes.

 

It takes all sorts, and whatever works for you, works for you. And that might change over time. Sometimes sleeping pills; sometimes a cup of hot milk; sometimes a spliff; sometimes a glass of wine; sometimes a hot bath; sometimes being in good company; sometimes a good work out; sometimes a good book; sometimes a tent in the yard; sometimes a good film, a duvet and a decent sofa.

 

Oh, other things that have worked for me include getting an oil burner and some geranium, frankincense and lavender essential oils, and lighting that about an hour before bedtime. I actually carried the geranium oil around for emergencies - just a drop or two rubbed between the palms then a big sniff with your hands cupped over your nose and mouth, was nice. I got quite into scents, but I am quite sensitive to smells. Reading hypnotherapy scripts at bedtime helped too.

 

Books such as The War of Don Emmanuel's Nether Parts and the rest of that trilogy are good too, and Happy Go Lucky is a good film, if you're looking for something a bit leftfield and uplifting to watch.

Edited July 10, 2011 by betterdeal

[doodels]

I guess I just thought that it was barely a 6 month relationship, and here I am

approaching 4 months of grieving- and as much as I am not bawling every night, I

still miss him terribly.

 

I share in this with you... Cried to sleep for two years after a short relationship ended. Felt like a piece of me died. Not only emotionally, but physically. My mind/body went through a very bizarre phase (hard to put into words). The loss I felt after the relationship, was surreal. That is the only way I can verbally articulate it.

 

I still try to make sense of it to this day. Rationally, I can make the connection with certain thoughts/feelings, but I can't rationalize away what I felt inside...

 

So, just wanted to share this with you. Sometimes when you tell yourself that it "isn't normal" for you to still feel a certain way, it makes it worse, and sometimes you just have to accept that you do and let it work itself out.

 

I see that you have a history of anxiety, depression, and insomina, throughout your life. And, the ending of this relationship, is manifesting to such a degree, that you are having difficulty sleeping. I hope that you will consider talking to someone professionally, in conjunction with the medications, because it's a vulnerable time for you and it's good to have someone overseeing your care who can work with you on this.

 

All the best...

[sm1tten]

It sounds more like OCD? Have they ever considered that?

It was considered at one point, but I stopped the compulsive activity (counting, checking) but not the obsessive thinking. In therapy the root of the activity was determined to be my way of staving off anxiety fueled panic attacks, which is why the GAD diagnosis has stuck. But with many of these disorders having so many similar attributes I guess I'll never really know.

 

Glad to read that you are doing better. The last time I was on meds, I was dating someone who really couldn't get that I was suffering so much that I needed them. He always had suggestions like "relax more, exercise more" and I couldn't make him understand that those things were not enough. When the medication failed and had bad side effects, he felt even more justified. My opinion is that we all have to find our own way to wellness.

[dreamingoftigers]

the book the book the book the book the book the book the book the book

 

-just a little reminder:D

[amethyste]

My mind/body went through a very bizarre phase (hard to put into words). The loss I felt after the relationship, was surreal. That is the only way I can verbally articulate it.

 

I can relate 100%, and "surreal" is the perfect word to describe this state.

I sometimes feel like a zombie

I'm extremely surprised that I have appetite (for food ofc).

Sadly... I can't really sleep anymore. I used to take kitty-naps daily (this has been my routine for a couple of years) & they were very peaceful. I have reccuring nightmares, but even so, I was able to sleep well during nights as well (before my break up).

Now, whenever I wanna take a nap, I can't. My mind can't relax. I feel tired, I feel sleepy, but I can't fall asleep. I sleep around 6, 7 hours a night (go to bed to strange hours, wake up early). My nightmares aren't helping me either... They are much more intense. Bleeeh

[doodels]

I can relate 100%, and "surreal" is the perfect word to describe this state.

I sometimes feel like a zombie

I'm extremely surprised that I have appetite (for food ofc).

Sadly... I can't really sleep anymore. I used to take kitty-naps daily (this has been my routine for a couple of years) & they were very peaceful. I have reccuring nightmares, but even so, I was able to sleep well during nights as well (before my break up).

Now, whenever I wanna take a nap, I can't. My mind can't relax. I feel tired, I feel sleepy, but I can't fall asleep. I sleep around 6, 7 hours a night (go to bed to strange hours, wake up early). My nightmares aren't helping me either... They are much more intense. Bleeeh

 

 

I don't recall having issues with sleeping, and didn't have any nightmares, though I did have an occasional dream about it from time-to-time, but the dream was pleasant, which made it harder when I work up.

 

The "symptoms" I experienced, were similar to those of when someone close to you dies. At times I felt a "presence" of the person, even though the person was not there with me physically. The hairs on my arms would stand up and my body would feel tingly-like. I think it's the minds way of experiencing a certain level of "trauma". After my doggie passed away, I experienced something similar, though not as intense. But, my body physically ached and I had a slight/mild fever right after.

 

I hope you are able to get some rest, and that things subside.

 

(sorry for the derail)

[amethyste]

4h of sleep last night *sigh*. It interferes a lot with the things I have to do (I'm too tired & too dizzy to do anything).

I've been having nightmares for years, and they're not related to my break up (they only became more intense after that).

As to that "surreal" state, yes, it resembles a lot with the one you're in, after the death of a loved one. I feel as if my ex is dead for me (even though I perfectly know he's alive & doing well) - I can't talk to him, can't see him, can't run to him & I relieve all the good moments... Bleeeh

[D-Lish]

It takes all sorts, and whatever works for you, works for you. And that might change over time. Sometimes sleeping pills; sometimes a cup of hot milk; sometimes a spliff; sometimes a glass of wine; sometimes a hot bath; sometimes being in good company; sometimes a good work out; sometimes a good book; sometimes a tent in the yard; sometimes a good film, a duvet and a decent sofa.

 

I wish I could get back into reading before bed. I used to read until I fell asleep. I'd go through several books a month. Now, with the internet, I'm more attracted to the interaction.

 

I think once the wellbutrin kicks in, I won't need the sleeping pills.

 

Glad to read that you are doing better. The last time I was on meds, I was dating someone who really couldn't get that I was suffering so much that I needed them. He always had suggestions like "relax more, exercise more" and I couldn't make him understand that those things were not enough. When the medication failed and had bad side effects, he felt even more justified. My opinion is that we all have to find our own way to wellness.

 

It's hard to date someone that doesn't understand how debilitating anxiety can be. I too once dated someone that just didn't get why I needed meds. He was pretty judgemental about it. When we broke up, he actually told me that me being on medication was "weird".

 

the book the book the book the book the book the book the book the book

 

-just a little reminder:D

 

The book:o I know.

[sb129]

Hey D-Lish, I have heard from several sources lately that using screens before bed (1-2 hours beforehand) can negatively affect your sleep patterns because of the light emitted from the screens.

 

One study had kids stop using anything with a screen for a whole week and on average they slept up 2-3 hours longer than they normally would. They also did better at school because they weren't as tired.

 

I notice that if I stop using the computer and watching tv earlier, and then go to bed and read, I fall asleep faster.