pattiech Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 I have found out that my boyfriend is at Glastonbury music festival this weekend with his ex. Just the two of them. I knew she was going as he told me but apparantly my bf was going with a group of his friends. I was under the impression that she would be around but not camping with them or anything and that she was going with her friends. My best friend has just seen my bf's mates who told her that they are there together now. I have spoken to his best mate and he has said he thought I knew as my bf said it was fine by me. I've tried to call him,no answer and I've sent a text asking him to call me. I feel like going there now but know that wouldn't solve anything - no tickets and how on earth would I find them anyway? We've been together a year (it's our anniversary tomorrow in fact but I didn't mind that he wouldn't be here as he got his tickets last year). He was with her for 3 years on and off. My bf and I are both 23, she's 25. What on earth should I do? I'm furious and panicking about it all. I googled and found this great forum. I've read other posts similar to this about boyfriends in contact with exes and most responses have said it's not a good idea. There seems to be a lot of posts about boyfriends and their exes doing stuff together its all so wrong. I know I shall have to dump him over this but I am so angry. Wanted to rage on here really. I guess I don't know the whole story yet though. I just feel sick. What are they doing there? My cousin is also there I will try to contact him and get him to find them!
joshgosh Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 That's not good. Did he not talk about this in front of his mates when you were there at all? Do you think they were covering for him? You've been together a year that' quite a long time. Any warning signs? Do you know her / have you two ever met?
iJester Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Don't bother with having your cousin spying on them. Just send him a text, telling him that you know he's there with just her, and not to call you anymore.
KOH Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 so he told you, you misunderstood him, & now you're pissed?
Author pattiech Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 He told me she was going but he said they wouldn't be going TOGETHER, not just the two of them. He said there would be a bunch of people going, and that she was going with her friends, he with his so yes, he lied about it. I haven't told him I know yet just asked him to call me. He hasn't but he texted me to say he will call later.
vsmini Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Deal breaker for me - I don't date guys that thinking hanging out with their ex (let alone, away together) is acceptable.
Ginger Beer Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Don't bother with having your cousin spying on them. Just send him a text, telling him that you know he's there with just her, and not to call you anymore. This. (Easier said than done though.) What a selfish ****ing arsehole.
KOH Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Deal breaker for me - I don't date guys that thinking hanging out with their ex (let alone, away together) is acceptable. uhh, why? don't you think that's too controlling? in this case, he lied so she has a right to be upset, but nobody has a right to tell anybody who to hang out with, its called a relationship, you're not a master, you're a partner.
Ginger Beer Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 uhh, why? don't you think that's too controlling? in this case, he lied so she has a right to be upset, but nobody has a right to tell anybody who to hang out with, its called a relationship, you're not a master, you're a partner. She never said she told anyone anything; she said she doesn't date men who think it's acceptable to hang around with their exes (which I agree with).
scarlett27 Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 bless ur heart , i dont think anyone here would actually like to be in that situation , im sorry but its not respectful and the fact he knew she was going in the first place , does that not show they are in contact ? u are a better woman then me if u put up with this and of course he would tell u as YOUR cousin is there to rat on him if he didnt , he should have really text back to say he would speak later or something bless ur heart u must be feeling so peed off right now . keep us updated
KOH Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 She never said she told anyone anything; she said she doesn't date men who think it's acceptable to hang around with their exes (which I agree with). she has a right to choose who she dates, I didn't say otherwise, I just think its too controlling & it shows lack of trust.
Ginger Beer Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 she has a right to choose who she dates, I didn't say otherwise, I just think its too controlling & it shows lack of trust. Funny you should mention this actually, I was thinking today about people in relationships going clubbing/hanging around with exes and the common phrase of 'if you trust them it shouldn't matter'. I disagree, I think if two people love each other they both should do what they can to avoid potential opportunites to cheat. Obviously it's different if you bump into an ex, but that's not what's happened here.
Jono85 Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 she has a right to choose who she dates, I didn't say otherwise, I just think its too controlling & it shows lack of trust. its not controlling if you find someone who has the same values as you (ie. in this case they don't believe in hanging out with exes one on one either). you won't have to control that person. i don't see anything wrong there. i have the same belief. i will go a step further and say it's a little naive to have 100% trust in a gf/bf that enjoys spending time with an ex. but thats me.
KOH Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Funny you should mention this actually, I was thinking today about people in relationships going clubbing/hanging around with exes and the common phrase of 'if you trust them it shouldn't matter'. I disagree, I think if two people love each other they both should do what they can to avoid potential opportunites to cheat. Obviously it's different if you bump into an ex, but that's not what's happened here. the question is, would you date someone that has to avoid those opportunities in order not to cheat?
spiderowl Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Sorry to hear this. He shouldn't have lied to you and implied his mates would be there, unless he's not lying because he has a different set of mates you don't know about. You can't prove he was on his own there with her unless he admits it, so it's really difficult for you. It could still be that they are just there as friends. I'm in touch with my ex husband and might go somewhere with him, particularly if our kids were involved, but I wouldn't lie about it to my partner. I can see three options but others might see more: - wait and see if he calls back (I think I'd be pretty cross if he didn't unless his battery was flat) and then ask him a few innocent questions to find out who he's with. Bear in mind that his mates will probably have warned him he's in trouble by now. - wait until he gets back and then ask him why he lied to you. If he doesn't come up with a satisfactory explanation, dump him. - don't wait until he gets back and dump him now. It could be that he saw no problem with spending time with his ex because he's entirely over her and loves you, but he covered up because he knew you wouldn't trust him. I think you have to try to figure out whether that's the case or if he has betrayed your trust in any sense here, even if he wasn't actually sexually unfaithful.
Ginger Beer Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 the question is, would you date someone that has to avoid those opportunities in order not to cheat? No, you'll only know if they have to avoid these opportunities in order not to cheat if they eventually do cheat. You can never tell but in my opinion clubs and hanging around with exes should be avoided. Sorry to hijack the thread.
Jono85 Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 agree with jono totally unfortunately recent experience has only strengthened that belief
phineas Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 uhh, why? don't you think that's too controlling? in this case, he lied so she has a right to be upset, but nobody has a right to tell anybody who to hang out with, its called a relationship, you're not a master, you're a partner. This is true & by the same token she has a right to choose not to be in a relationship with people who lie to her about spending time with an ex. I won't tell a woman what to do, but if she can't figure it out on her own, then she isn't worth my time anymore. I personally have no problem dropping a chick who hangs with her ex. i'm old enough to have been burned by that scenereo more than once.
phineas Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Funny you should mention this actually, I was thinking today about people in relationships going clubbing/hanging around with exes and the common phrase of 'if you trust them it shouldn't matter'. I disagree, I think if two people love each other they both should do what they can to avoid potential opportunites to cheat. Obviously it's different if you bump into an ex, but that's not what's happened here. This. I wouldn't do anything that is disrespectful to a woman.
rafallus Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 uhh, why? don't you think that's too controlling? in this case, he lied so she has a right to be upset, but nobody has a right to tell anybody who to hang out with, its called a relationship, you're not a master, you're a partner. If she refuses to date them, then no, that's not controlling at all - just having standards (whether you consider them unreasonable, it's up to you). If she dated them and was actively attempting to change them, that would be controlling. @OP If he really liked you, he would take you with him. Commited pairs, as far as I've seen, tend to attend parties/holidays together.
Author pattiech Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 update - He called me this morning and said that her friends pulled out at the last minute. So she called him to ask if she could hang out with him and his two friends. He told me they met and she had her tent and stuff with her and he told her to pitch up next to them. (I don't think there would be space but that's what he said.) I said that I wanted him home now as I was uncomfortable and upset about this. He said no, he paid a lot of money for the ticket and is having a good time. I can't bear the though of them together all this time. I knew they were still in contact but he said their friendship was fizzling out a few weeks ago and he wasn't seeing her around as much. And now this...
phineas Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 update - He called me this morning and said that her friends pulled out at the last minute. So she called him to ask if she could hang out with him and his two friends. He told me they met and she had her tent and stuff with her and he told her to pitch up next to them. (I don't think there would be space but that's what he said.) I said that I wanted him home now as I was uncomfortable and upset about this. He said no, he paid a lot of money for the ticket and is having a good time. I can't bear the though of them together all this time. I knew they were still in contact but he said their friendship was fizzling out a few weeks ago and he wasn't seeing her around as much. And now this... If their such good friends & she knew he had a GF & she knew his GF didn't have a ticket & her friends wern't using their tickets.... do you see where I am going with this?
Jono85 Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 update - He called me this morning and said that her friends pulled out at the last minute. So she called him to ask if she could hang out with him and his two friends. He told me they met and she had her tent and stuff with her and he told her to pitch up next to them. (I don't think there would be space but that's what he said.) I said that I wanted him home now as I was uncomfortable and upset about this. He said no, he paid a lot of money for the ticket and is having a good time. I can't bear the though of them together all this time. I knew they were still in contact but he said their friendship was fizzling out a few weeks ago and he wasn't seeing her around as much. And now this... 1. so he wasn't alone with her? that's what you originally said right. but he's with 2 other friends as well? that's a little different b/c it sort of sounds like his friends still went, but hers bailed so she asked if she could still go and chill with them. still not a great situation, but different (ie. not one on one). 2. he told you he'd call you later (yesterday) and didn't call till this morning? lol especially when he's with his ex?? not cool.
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