self reflection and philisophical rants

July 24, 2011

I echo the sentiment of this lady And I love your thread Pete!

I keep thinking of something a co-worker told me that was truly beautiful. She is an elderly woman that was recently hired and I was training her so we had some good conversations. She was telling me about how her and her husband live on one of their boats and the exciting adventures they have together. She also told me that her husband loves to sail, but after all these years of going on marine adventures together shes grown tired of sailing. She lets him go on trips without her for weeks sometimes even months at a time, and she says during those periods she misses him and hopes he comes back safely. Then I said something along the lines of "it must be hard having him away all the time". She says "It is hard, but sailing is his passion and I'm not going to get in the way of that. His passion is what makes him who he is, which is the man I've been inlove with for over 40 years. I wouldn't love him if i got in the way of his dreams. I admire him for having something in his life he feels so strongly about".

With my last relationship consisting of her being clingy and restricting what I can and cannot do, it was refreshing to hear this. I hope someday I'll be lucky enough to have a woman like her.

July 25, 2011

I echo the sentiment of this lady And I love your thread Pete!

Glad to hear it Heaven! Thank you for your support .

I notice that my thinking is hardly ever reflecting on my current day to day life. My summer has become pretty methodical. Wake up, go to work, come home, do some sort of physical activity, think about life, go to bed. Something interesting seems to happen everyday, yet none of it ever seems to hold my attention anymore. Occasionally there are a few ripples in the pond, but a large majority of the time my mind is clear. I live in the moment and enjoy myself until I am alone in my room staring at the ceiling. Then it's just like looking up at the stars at night.

Perhaps this isn't what every 20 year old does in their spare time, but I seem to have two different themes bouncing around in my head that all my thoughts seem to stem from. The main one that I think about the most frequently is death. Although life is hard, it feels like in the long run life is more of a short rest stop on the long journey ahead. The more I think about it, the more life feels so short but so long at the same time. The longer I think about it, the more my self identity shrinks and I lose touch with who I am trying to understand this impossible puzzle, however all it takes is a touch of the present to bring myself back. It's not like I'm suicidal, it's not like I want to die anytime soon, but I guess the more I think about it the more I accept it. I always refer to the quote "To study the abnormal is the best way of understanding the normal." I've learned so much about life by comparing its qualities to death.

I guess the next thing I commonly think about is the person I want to become. I enjoy the person I am now, and quite frankly I am quite proud of myself for not being too ignorant considering my current age, but it sometimes feels like I need a break from myself. Thinking about yourself in the future is the easiest way to satisfy this, because it is bringing unknown and mystery to the familiar. Hope, dreams, ambition, motivation, and goals. Because of this I have developed a strong sense of who I want to become which I am also quite fond of. I think about what I'll look like, where I'll live, what type of people will be in my life, and whether I will have a child or not. I feel most of the time that I don't really care whether I have a wife or a fiance or a girlfriend whatever, I am much more interested in raising a child and watching their life progress.

There isn't much to think about the present right now. I live a simple life, me and my family get by ok, I have a few friends, but more importantly I am satisfied. I am sometimes a bit lonely, but I can't help it it's in my biology. I sometimes think about the way bank girl made me feel, but my mind is starting to forget from not having talked to her in about a week and a half. Regarding what will happen with her, I guess only time will tell.

I'm not through the roof happy, but I see that as more of a good thing because usually when that is the case something is wrong. I feel more content, but there is an urge to know that I can do more. This is what I feel is perfect for me.

July 25, 2011

Hey I think you should ask the bank girl out for coffee. Can you possibly go in there when its less busy? Then maybe you could just go straight up to her, no lines.

I can totally relate to your relationship with your father. My father likes to point out how hard things were in his day. Like growing up his family were so poor they would often go without food. Or they would eat gruel, yuck. And He also braggs about how he taught my grandfather maths and got into the fire brigade. The he asks if we ever taught him maths, of coarse the answer is no. Then he puts us down for it.

July 26, 2011

Pelican, it's so refreshing to read your posts. You sound like you're a very self aware, self assured individual and I give you props for being able to share yourself so openly, not many people can do this!

I think that it's healthy to think about our future and to understand that our time here, this life we have now, will eventually come to an end. Acknowledging this somehow makes me feel a little bit more special, like there is a purpose to my short existence beyond just playing a role in the chain of evolution. I feel this way I guess because I have a conscious, I am aware. I often wonder what other animals are capable of this (consciousness)... something in my psyche tells me we are not the only species who have this understanding of 'self'.

I also think about the kind of person I want to become. When I think about this however I realize that the process of 'becoming' is not a constant, meaning my idea of who I want to be will always change. Who I want to be will always be evolving as I go through life and learn from my experiences. I guess the only things I can really count on are my core values. Only I have the power to control what I place values on and only I make my own choices (to a large degree anyway... I think being a part of society means having to accept certain values for the benefit and survival of 'the greater good'). So in essence, I can only live for the present because how I live my life now and the choices I make now are the ones that will shape my future. Sure, I can prepare for my future by saving money, educating myself and taking care of my health, but these things will not determine the type of person I will be, what morals I will uphold.

I find your notion of being 'through the roof happy' versus being content very interesting Pelican. The way I see it, I am content because I have a good understanding of myself. I can feel elated when others validate the positive qualities I project, but I don't need this constant validation in order to feel like I am a good person, especially since there is always room for improvement. I sort of compare it to being in love versus loving. Being in love is like a high that eventually fades, but loving someone is like nurturing an extension of yourself which can lead to a content fulfilled life.

Some people can go their entire lives relying on others for their own happiness. This is such a strange concept to me since no one understands what I feel or how I think better than I do. I'm not exactly sure when I learned this about myself (that true happiness comes from within). We are taught from birth that we will be rewarded for our good deeds, so it makes sense in a way, that if we do good things, then others will love us and this is what makes us happy. Somewhere along the way though, I learned that there is something within me that feels content when I operate with kindness regardless of other's feedback/approval. I never feel the same satisfaction when I act out in anger no matter how justified I feel my anger is.

July 26, 2011

Pelican, it's so refreshing to read your posts. You sound like you're a very self aware, self assured individual and I give you props for being able to share yourself so openly, not many people can do this!

Thank you for the compliments . I've always been trying to find people to talk with about this brand of philosophy, but most people seem not to care too much which I find baffling. I enjoyed reading your post and look forward to more!

I think that it's healthy to think about our future and to understand that our time here, this life we have now, will eventually come to an end. Acknowledging this somehow makes me feel a little bit more special, like there is a purpose to my short existence beyond just playing a role in the chain of evolution. I feel this way I guess because I have a conscious, I am aware.

I agree with you on all points! It's just this society doesn't really encourage thinking about things like death. Whenever I try to talk about it with other people they automatically let their perception take over and become focused on how horrible it is and that it's a morbid topic. But reminding myself that I'm going to be dead one of these days just makes life feel so much more meaningful, it lets me understand that life is bound to change and never lets me take it for granted. It's human nature to try to bring everything in our life to a level of perception so we can focus on something else, but that is also a way of taking things for granted because by doing that we just give label a seed as a seed so to speak. It's usually not til we take another look down the road to see that seed is now a plant, and we start to feel like we missed out on the beauty of growth.

I often wonder what other animals are capable of this (consciousness)... something in my psyche tells me we are not the only species who have this understanding of 'self'.

On Earth, humans definitely have the most evolved sense of self. I know that things like apes and dogs have a sense of individualism, but most life doesn't really require it for survival. A spider for example relies purely on sensation and never adapts or learns. I think it was Darwin that found a particular vibration that made a spider run to it's web thinking it caught something every time. The spider never learned that it was just Darwin vibrating the web, and came running every time to investigate until it fatigued.

With that said, I do feel sometimes some sort of universal consciousness between other creatures where it just feels like I understand. There is definitely something more to consciousness that we haven't discovered yet.

I also think about the kind of person I want to become. When I think about this however I realize that the process of 'becoming' is not a constant, meaning my idea of who I want to be will always change. Who I want to be will always be evolving as I go through life and learn from my experiences. I guess the only things I can really count on are my core values. Only I have the power to control what I place values on and only I make my own choices (to a large degree anyway... I think being a part of society means having to accept certain values for the benefit and survival of 'the greater good'). So in essence, I can only live for the present because how I live my life now and the choices I make now are the ones that will shape my future. Sure, I can prepare for my future by saving money, educating myself and taking care of my health, but these things will not determine the type of person I will be, what morals I will uphold.

Yes, point of views definitely change depending on experience. I enjoy thinking about the future because I know by doing that in itself I am taking control of it. My thoughts determine my actions, and by distinguishing what I want to be from what I want to avoid it will in a sense give me a greater sense of direction. Our mind has no sense of time, and it is a collection of simultaneous possibilities. Of course my viewpoints of who I want to become are not constant and are probably subject to more change, but there is that sense of being that is who I am destined to become after going through all these prototypes of who I wish to be, and in a sense without running the race I'll never get to the finished product.

I find your notion of being 'through the roof happy' versus being content very interesting Pelican. The way I see it, I am content because I have a good understanding of myself. I can feel elated when others validate the positive qualities I project, but I don't need this constant validation in order to feel like I am a good person, especially since there is always room for improvement. I sort of compare it to being in love versus loving. Being in love is like a high that eventually fades, but loving someone is like nurturing an extension of yourself which can lead to a content fulfilled life.

Exactly! You seem to have explained it much more gracefully and in-depth then I could have

Some people can go their entire lives relying on others for their own happiness. This is such a strange concept to me since no one understands what I feel or how I think better than I do. I'm not exactly sure when I learned this about myself (that true happiness comes from within). We are taught from birth that we will be rewarded for our good deeds, so it makes sense in a way, that if we do good things, then others will love us and this is what makes us happy. Somewhere along the way though, I learned that there is something within me that feels content when I operate with kindness regardless of other's feedback/approval. I never feel the same satisfaction when I act out in anger no matter how justified I feel my anger is.

I once relied on another for my own happiness, but once that sunk in as perceptual occurrence I never realized until of course that person was gone. I believe I did that because I didn't feel comfortable being myself. I was still developing and working out what type of person I wanted to be, so it felt like there was less pressure on me when I had that person to rely on.

I always operate with kindness of course someone is being disrespectful to me. The other day at work I had a customer that was perfectly fine and jolly as I was ringing him up and getting him his cigarettes, but as he was leaving he basically turned Mr.Hyde on me and said "I'm going to leave my car parked for 30 minutes in your parking lot while I walk around town." I kindly reminded him that it's only 15 minute parking, and he basically said whatever I'm doing it anyway. At that point kindness was no longer an option for me, and I threatened him to get his car out of the parking lot in 30 second or I'll call a tow truck. He was pissed, but he did it in 15

For those wanting a follow up with the car accident drama, I guess the woman that moved in front of me admitted fault today and I think I'm going to claim a settlement for a few hundred dollars instead of getting a repair shop to fix my small bump for a grand. It is just a cosmetic problem, and an easy repair that costs much less then a grand anyway that my dad says he could easily fix. As I predicted it all turned out fine!

July 29, 2011

Hadn't updated since Monday! I kept trying to think of something to talk about but I couldn't get a good enough handle of any particular theme, and I didn't really feel like just writing down my random utterances and not really doing them justice. Today however, I feel like I'm in the mood to talk about fear.

If it's not obvious to people who have kept up with this thread, I think about things a lot and enjoy trying to solve patterns and quest for "understanding". Although this is a trait that I am quite proud of, it tends to act as a double edged sword sometimes. On the positive side, I think about things a lot. On the negative side, I think about things a lot. Depending on what it is, if I am not 100% comfortable with something I develop a lot of anxiety and self doubt.

Traveling has always been a big one for me. As much as I enjoy seeing new places, I hate going from point A to point B. When I would fly out to see my gf when we were together, the plane ride was always a big challenge for me. Even though I knew everything was fine in the back of my head, I would experience a lot of paranoia and anxiety even just sitting in the airport. I'm always scared of missing my flight, there being some sort of problem, losing my luggage, not getting there when I said I would, my passport not checking out for some reason, and multiple other reasons that I would come up with. By the time I finally got to her city I would be completely exhausted, even though it was only a 30 minute flight.

Even driving makes me really anxious. I'm an exceptional driver, I can parallel park with my eyes closed and know the rules of the road like the back of my hand, but even driving to a friends house or going to the grocery store is a big deal to me. Everything from worrying about no parking spots, to getting into an accident, I can barely ever relax behind the wheel. It's not because I don't have confidence in myself and my abilities, I become nervous about the other people. There are so many sh**ty drivers on the road, especially where I live. I was once almost pulled over by a cop when I first got my license because he ran a stop sign with no sirens on and almost t-boned my car.

All of this travel anxiety of course sprouted from my initial social anxiety which is now pretty much abolished. It was really bad in high school, mainly because I wasn't completely confident in who I was. I was more exhausted from talking to my "friends" during a school day, then after my fitness classes where we would run 3 miles as a warm up and work out in the school gym. I still feel anxious in some social situations, but then again who doesn't? I just force myself to put myself out there, and gradually it becomes a bit easier whether they end up liking me or not. It is no longer the fact that I am scared of what other people think of me or whether they accept me, it is more a case of not being confident in or trusting enough of other people. I don't want to be dragged down by other peoples ignorance, mistakes, and stupidity.

Anyway, I felt like reflecting on this because today I was driving my 5 speed through heavy traffic which I had yet to properly experience. Because I was unfamiliar and not as confident in myself, it was pretty stressful for me. Of course I did just fine. I never stalled, stayed in the right gears, and basically drove it like a pro. I was more nervous from getting cut off twice, having some logging truck try his hardest to keep me in his blind spot, and never being able to see any stoplights from some moving van in front of me. Also almost road raged from some ass not letting me out of the merge lane that matched my plethora of speeds til I ran out of road. Gotta love society.

So! The moral of the story is don't let anything take control of your life and hold you back from being who you are. The answer to every struggle you experience is within yourself, not some prescription. Even though things like driving scare the hell out of me, I am not going to let some silly fear take control. I try to look at it as there have been people before us that have endured, survived, and perservered through much more difficult challenges, and living in fear isn't how I want to live my life. Identify why you are feeling this way, and face your fears with that knowledge in mind. Continue to do things that challenge yourself and push your boundaries, and soon that fear will be just a memory. If I can do it, you can do it!

Edited July 29, 2011 by PelicanPete

August 2, 2011

I haven't felt a need to write as much as I usually do. But I have a bit of an update today I suppose.

I voyaged through the ridiculous amounts of traffic to the bank today. It took about 20 extra minutes to get there from crawling along in second gear on the highway. The town I live in is only meant to populate about 10,000 people, but it is in the middle of expanding due to having a large population growth. With construction and roadwork everywhere along with it being flooded with tourists and typical Canadian drivers, I finally found a parking spot. I sat in the car for a minute to let my anxiety fade and calm myself down, and bought some razors at the store beside the bank so that I would be more relaxed if I managed to talk to bank girl. I finally went in the bank to deposit my cheque and there was only 4 tellers on with the line going out the front door. I made the assumption that bank girl was on lunch break or something and walked two or three blocks to a clothing store and puttered around there for about 20 minutes. Finally made my way back to the bank with an even bigger line to deal with! I managed to take a look at the tellers and it was the same 4 people still. I guess she just wasn't working today.

I decided to wait on cashing my cheque til tomorrow with the hope that I will see her then instead. I don't work til 3 so that gives me plenty of time to make another trip to the bank, so I'll make sure to update with what happens. Like I said, I haven't really had the urge to talk about anything right now. Life is pretty good! I don't really have any problems and I am just enjoying living day to day and taking a break from thinking about the complicated things in life. It just feels like I need to take a break from myself, so I've just been living like zombie the past few days . There hasn't really been a need for me to think about too much. After all, there's no point in trying to fix something that isn't broken.

August 3, 2011

Well, I just got back from the bank. And lo and behold, she was working today. She was looking quite beautiful today, and there was only about 10 people in line instead of the ridiculous 30s and 40s that were there previously. Everything was smooth sailings, but of course when there's only two or three people before me she had someone that wanted something complex. I didn't get to talk to her yet again, but I didn't let it ruin my time. Instead I had a good conversation with the teller that I ended up with, and hopefully it made her day a bit better. She was a bit shy at first but she quickly opened up to me about how she was really feeling and how stressful work was the past few days. I related to her about how hectic my job was this weekend and how busy town has been lately. We both laughed and our conversation ended with a smile on her face that wasn't there before. Even though I didn't get my chance with bank girl, I'm happy I made someone elses day a bit better.

On a different note, There wasn't as much traffic today as there usually is, so I drove with a lot less anxiety which made me feel more confident about driving my new car. I was driving my car perfectly making no mistakes all the way up until the last stoplight before my house. As I was waiting in the left turn lane waiting for the light to go green, I was thinking "Jeeze, I'm really starting to get to know how this car runs." My anxiety shrunk significantly with just that thought, and I shifted into 1st just before the light was about to go green with ease and vigor. The light turned, it was time to go! But guess who stalled it . All of my anxiety and self doubt came flooding back through my limbs. I got it going again, but I ended up missing it and ended up waiting until the next green to go. There was a van behind me, but I guess he was a nice guy since he didn't honk or anything. I wasn't at the front of the line, but we both would've made it if I hadn't stalled. I felt very demoralized by missing that light. I hadn't stalled it from starting since my first time driving a 5 speed. The next green I rode the clutch more then usual just to be safe, and ended up getting home just fine.

Stalling at the light just reminded me of one of the core underlying themes of life. As soon as I felt like I knew something, life proved me wrong. In that moment I felt like I was finally starting to get the feel for my car, and only a few moments later I was proven mistaken. I grasped at what I thought something was, and it just slipped through my fingers as something else. I'm not discouraged though, I had a good laugh at myself when I got home. I knew better on all accounts, but it is human nature to try to "understand" things. The only thing you can really understand is math, since it was invented by humans. Math is useful in a lot of situations, but you cannot use it to understand the living and what turns my life or anyones life will take. Everything aside from math is open ended, and I know if I choose to rely on my perception to get to know people and situations in my life, I will be in for many rude awakenings. It's like what Socrates said, "I know that I know nothing."

Anyway, I'm no longer in crush mode even though bank girl has turned out to be much more attractive then what I remember. She is either an early bloomer or older than me. Shes got a dramatic hour glass figure that isn't too common for females at 19-21, but I've heard I'm quite a handsome guy from many different girls . I can get girls older then me, after all my ex was older then me. I'll keep going to the bank on days I think she is working, and see what happens from there. I'm not going to alter my life just because some attractive girl showed interest in me.

August 4, 2011

I need to get out more (as in, to other forums on LS, as I tend to read and post in the same forums most of the time) because here you are, writing this very decent blog of reflections, day to day strife, routine mundane what-not, along with a nice little side dish of romance, and making it quite a bit of awesomeness to read.

So glad it caught my eye. You got yourself a gem here, P-Pete.

Instead I had a good conversation with the teller that I ended up with, and hopefully it made her day a bit better. She was a bit shy at first but she quickly opened up to me about how she was really feeling and how stressful work was the past few days. I related to her about how hectic my job was this weekend and how busy town has been lately. We both laughed and our conversation ended with a smile on her face that wasn't there before. Even though I didn't get my chance with bank girl, I'm happy I made someone elses day a bit better.

What a nice thing to do, and I can totally relate because I do that sort of thing all the time. I'm sure you left a nice impression and did put a smile on her face, and you brought some goodness into the world, too, because you can never be too nice no matter what random little conversation you might have.

Pete, I am HOWLING over your experience driving a stick (or manual transmission, as we call it here where I live) because I drove a stick for many years, and my very first car was a manual trans because it was cheaper than an automatic, and I wanted to look like a HOT SHOT as a girl shifting gears and working a clutch!

I can so relate! I couldn't (and didn't) drive my car to work at all for the first few weeks I owned it. Every night I would come home and take my car out, sometimes with my Dad or brother, and practice drive. I was TERRIFIED of stopping on a hill, or stopping a a light, too, because I was so worried I would stall the car, just as you are! It's classic comedy, and I am reliving those days, and you will some day, too. Thank you for putting a smile on my face with that fond memory (I now drive an automatic shift)

My anxiety shrunk significantly with just that thought, and I shifted into 1st just before the light was about to go green with ease and vigor. The light turned, it was time to go! But guess who stalled it . All of my anxiety and self doubt came flooding back through my limbs. I got it going again, but I ended up missing it and ended up waiting until the next green to go. There was a van behind me, but I guess he was a nice guy since he didn't honk or anything.

You're not alone, as I said. Trust me when I say anyone that is learning to drive a stick has the same experience. Kudos for your courage and ability to laugh at yourself.

Anyway, I'm no longer in crush mode even though bank girl has turned out to be much more attractive then what I remember. She is either an early bloomer or older than me. Shes got a dramatic hour glass figure that isn't too common for females at 19-21, but I've heard I'm quite a handsome guy from many different girls . I can get girls older then me, after all my ex was older then me. I'll keep going to the bank on days I think she is working, and see what happens from there. I'm not going to alter my life just because some attractive girl showed interest in me.

Well, Hot Stuff, I just want to say that I've also dated people younger and older (that is, I've dated men younger than I am) and when it's right, it makes no difference at all. But what I really wanted to tell you is that I met my ex in a similar fashion, by having a crush on him for many months first, and seeing him from afar at work. He was not in my group and not in my department, but I used to see him in the cafe and in the hallways. I finally figured out where his office was, and then saw his name plate. Long story short, I finally got up the NERVE to introduce myself (shaking, literally!) and the next day, he asked me out. We were together for many years, and while he is an ex now (and things did not end very well, UGH, but I'm well over him, don't worry), after having that experience, I would encourage anyone (that means you) to let nature take its course and put out the same charming, endearing, positive, well-spoken, humorous, vulnerable, adventuresome vibes that you put into this little blog of yours -- and no matter whether it's "bank girl" or some other girl, she's gonna get herself a damn prize.

Keep up the great writing of your day to day life journey, there is nothing too minuscule to write about when it's done with flair, elegance, and good humor, all of which you have a knack for.

Did I already say you and your blog are gems? Okay, so I just repeated myself.

I await your next installment. Your loyal fan, Graceful

August 4, 2011

Why thank you very much for that Graceful . I love hearing any kind of feedback from readers, and you definitely put a smile on my face from your post. I will definitely follow your advice and let things take its course naturally, I know if I try to force anything to happen with her at this stage I will only look like a desperate creeper. I oddly have a story where I was too forward with a female, but I will save that for another time. On a side note, I couldn't help but crack up from hearing your experience with standards, I can definitely relate . I'm going to have to be doing a total of two hours commuting 3 days a week next semester for uni, so I'm hoping to become a bit more comfortable driving before then . Thanks again for your input! Reading your kind words definitely put me off to a good start for today [it is 1am after all].

So yes, it is 1am! I attempted some shut eye about two hours ago when I arrived home from work, but somehow I ended up pacing back and fourth in my underwear with the lights off listening to music from my younger days which started somewhere around midnight. A lot of times performing certain physical actions help me think more clearly. Since I was unable to sleep from having too many thoughts in my head, I instinctively started pacing to help me "travel" through my memories and ideas. Call it corny, but I notice myself quite the kinetic thinker. For example, I am quite happy I learned how to handstand, because simply by doing them on a regular basis it has actually helped me see my common perceptions from a different angle. Maybe it really did improve my thinking, or maybe I am actually just using it as a kind of placebo to unlock some new ideas, but regardless I see improvement.

Anyway, I had quite a plot twist at work today, but I will save it for later today when I feel I have the energy to give it the explanation it deserves. Right now I feel like talking about one of my few but good friends. I met him a few years ago around the same time the relationship with my ex was taking bloom. He was the gangsta and rebellious cousin of one of my friends at the time, and even though our lifestyles were opposite we managed to create quite a strong bond with each other. I can't even recall the last time we hung out together in person since he lives a ways away, but we talk to each other online a couple times a week and always help one another with their problems. He has been through a lot which has shaped him into a intelligent person with endless potential, but he has always felt so limited by the ghetto lifestyle he feels obligated to follow. He lives with his entire extended family and doesn't even have his own room, and often relies on substance abuse to deal with the constant stress of no privacy and booming negativity from his family. The family that doesn't live with him is in jail, ranging from charges of robbery and assault to murder. One of his uncles recently set him up dealing drugs because no one would hire him, and now he feels pressured into joining a gang for protection because he doesn't even feel safe walking down the street.

He loves it when I translate his dreams, but they all translate into frustration and fear. He doesn't want to live like this, but to him it feels like there is no way out. There is not much I can do to help at this point except support him and stay optimistic. Despite his life and his struggles, it is easy to come to the conclusion that he is one of the best friends I ever had.

When I was extremely depressed just after my breakup, I received an email from him. It was a link to this song. Below the link he wrote

"you've always been there for me, now I'm here for you. You're the strongest person I ever met, and I know you'll overcome this battle."

Now every time I listen to this song, I think of him. Hopefully one day one of us will find a solution towards the life he deserves.

August 4, 2011

Alright, I didn't plan on writing again til later tonight, but since I am stuck doing laundry [hadn't done it for like two weeks ] so I suppose now is as good of time as any to talk about what happened at work last night.

So I was walking to work and ran into a co-worker that was also walking to work. Turns out she switched shifts with someone and we were gonna end up doing the night shift together. I went to high school with her and we graduated the same year. I had a class with her but we were never really friends or anything because I always found her kind of socially awkward, but after working with her for a bit I discovered she's actually a decent person to be around. I remember the nickname I always called her to myself back then was Lunges because she always took these abnormally large strides when she walked. Even though she no longer does that, I personally think it's a pretty awesome nickname so I'll refer to her as Lunges in this story.

So anyway, Lunges and I we're talking as we were going to work and she started venting about how creepy it was that all these random men of all ages were flirting with her at work. This isn't exactly a rare occurrence because the community I live in consists mostly of local drunken sailors, and with the majority of my co-workers being female it isn't exactly uncommon for them to get some creepy comment from a lonely old man that is at least double their age. Back on track, Lunges started telling me about her encounter with the creepiest guy since she started working here. She told me about how this older guy asked her out for coffee one time as she was working the cash register, which she politely declined. Lunges then tells me how a day or two later while she was having a smoke break, the same guy came up to her explaining that the reason he asked her to coffee was that he was a film director and had an eye for spotting talent. He told her not to tell her co-workers about their future meeting, and that he didn't want to talk about it in the store in case it was bugged for video and audio. After she explained the story, I started to become curious as to who the guy was Lunges was talking about. There are a lot of shifty and creepy locals that live here, so perhaps I've dealt with him before. Turns out as she was trying to describe him to me, we ended up walking past him.

The guy strangely enough turned out to be one of my favorite customers. He was always very sincere and polite to me, and always had something nice to say when we came in. I would often run into him on my route to work and we would end up making friendly small talk with him always wishing me a good day. His choice of words seemed a bit forced and odd sometimes like he wasn't really entirely himself, but because I didn't really know much about him I just assumed he was just trying to be a better person or something. He took a real evident shine to me above the rest of the employees, so overall I was surprised it was the same guy that Lunges was talking about, but she was anxious that he heard us talking about him as we walked by. He also didn't even greet either one of us when he saw us walking together, he just had a bit of a panicked stare which gave me a bit of a creepy feeling.

So we get to work at shift change, and it turns out Lunges did what any intelligent human being would do and told all of our co-workers about it. They all thought it was suspicious and creepy, and even though this guy is a local member of the community no one really knows anything about him. About 15 minutes into my shift while Lunges was in the back, the guy comes into the store to get his usual consumables. Now that I have a better picture of what type of person this guy was, he seemed sort of weird. We talked as I was ringing him through at the cash register and he inevitably brought the topic of Lunges into the conversation. He said that I had something special about me, so it would be ok if Lunges included me on the offer he gave her and that I can act as a witness for Lunges when they went for coffee so she'd feel safer. He then told me not to tell my co-workers about it so that they didn't get jealous, and started to cut things short and walk towards the door. When I asked him what this was all about he said that Lunges would fill me in as he walked out the door.

So when I got a chance to talk to Lunges again at work, I told her about the change in events. She said she never planned on ever going, but if I were to be her escort she would feel a lot more comfortable. He is always at that coffee shop, so we collaborated with our co-workers that we would meet him for coffee during shift change which is in the middle of the day. Everyone at work including myself really wants to know what this is all about, so to say the least I am looking forward to hearing his proposal.

Don't worry, when I find out I'll be sure to write about what happens. It's a extremely busy and public place, and I'm a pretty big guy, so it's not like he'll "try anything" . I imagine it's just going to be something incredibly awkward or creepy.

August 5, 2011

God, it's funny how a couple posts back I was busy talking about how I had nothing going on and I didn't really have anything to talk about. Of course after that is said and done, all of these topics and urges to talk about things just come flooding in. Now I just feel like talking about everything .

Writing before bed definitely helped me sleep better because last night I slept like a corpse. I also had a couple of weird dreams to entertain my coma! I love analyzing dreams. I started studying and learning a lot about symbolism and dream analysis while getting over my break up back in December. I kept a dream journal and would often wake up in the middle of the night and scribble down key points of the dream in my sleepy haze. Even though I wrote it down in the pitch black with my chicken scratch scattered randomly across the page, I always enjoyed waking up the next morning and spending an hour or so deciphering my thoughts [and what I wrote down ]. I have some of my analyzed dreams saved as word docs on my laptop, but they aren't exactly good examples. Instead, I just came across the idea of writing down one of the dreams I had last night and deciphering it tomorrow after work. Analyzing dreams is a phenomenal way to help you improve yourself as a person. Once you start keeping track of your dreams, over time you'll start to see recurring themes and common symbols which you can then deal with accordingly. It helps you deal with underlying issues not yet brought to your consciousness, which I feel is partially how I got over my break up so fast.

There are usually three different categories of dreams that I've come across: The cryptic and symbolic ones, the literal and straight forward ones, and the disposal ones. They all carry some sort of message for your ego except for the disposal ones, which are the ones that are so incredibly random that make absolutely no sense no matter how you look at it. I feel those ones are more of a way of your unconscious processing random bits of information you acquired while you were awake, but I could be wrong.

So! One of the dreams I had last night. From what I remember, I was just kind of standing around in the front yard outside my house. Then this weird scruffy cat like creature that was about the size of car tire came running up to me like a playful puppy. I remember I felt a bit fearful because it had red eyes, looked a bit crazy, and I had no idea what it was. It was darting circles around me and then darting around the yard and it just kind of ran off down the trail beside my house. The garage door was then open for some reason, and I saw my dad in the garage. I was thinking about going over to him to see what he was up to, when this demonic looking overgrown french poodle thing was aggressively darting down the trail towards me. It kept following me and snarling, growling, and snapping its teeth as I was quickly moving into the garage. My dad was standing at his work bench with his back to the dog and it began to growl at him and move into a stance like it was going to charge. I reacted and ended up doing a drop kick and connecting with the dogs neck. It stayed in the exact same position, but the dog started to wheeze. I came to the conclusion that my kick collapsed the dogs wind pipe and it was suffocating. The flesh on its neck started to deteriorate and soon there was just black rotten flesh and bone. I knew I couldn't save it, so I was thinking of ways that I could put it out of its misery. The dog just stood in the same position and continued to wheeze, and I just felt completely horrible. I thought about kicking it to death and other scenarios, but I decided the best way would be to stab a knife through its head. I tried to move but I couldn't, no one could. I felt so guilty but there was nothing I could do, I just watched the demon dog wheeze and suffocate until it collapsed and died. When it died I was able to move, and I almost started crying from how bad I felt from killing this creature. The dream ended with me staring at the dead dog lying in my garage, and hearing in the distance someone calling for their dog.

Like I said, I will decipher it tomorrow! It seems pretty complicated with a lot to consider, so it will take some time that I cannot afford right now . Time for bed!

PS - If anyone wants to share a dream they had, go for it! I can even give my interpretation of it if you like.

August 5, 2011

I often have dreams where I'm levitating. They're pretty good. I analysed it with the aid of Freud's interpretation of dreams and was disappointed by the very mundane suggestion that this dream means I wish I were taller (I'm average height and wasn't aware of this being a particular issue for me). I still think it was a "flying" wish fulfilment dream.

Another less pleasant one involves me neglecting something I'm supposed to be looking after. Those are horrible dreams. Suddenly realising that I have a baby which I haven't attended to for a couple of days - or, perhaps, a kitten or a puppy. I can't imagine ever neglecting a child or an animal in real life, but I wondered if it was a fear of responsibility. A friend said more likely it was to do with me neglecting my "inner child"....though in all honesty, I don't think there's much chance of that happening either.

I wonder if the mad dog represents your rebellious side. The side that comes out during adolescence. Note how you didn't try to deal with the dog until it threatened aggression towards your father. Maybe some kind of conflict between wanting to rebel and be your own person...and wanting to please your father/protect him and yourself from the threat of you growing up?

August 5, 2011

I like the new entries, P-Pete. Intrigue, mystery, new characters (Lunges and Creepy Customer Guy), and now dream interpretation.

I rarely remember my dreams, but if I do, they are very much like real life. But one thing I thought you'd enjoy knowing is that I almost always wake up with a song in my head. Just about every day. It's often the last song I listened to the day before, or a song that I am currently obsessed with that I listen to often. But it's NICE to wake up with a song in your head.

One last thing from earlier in your blog that I wanted to comment on and share a bond with was this:

Once I defeated my initial depression, I decided I wanted to start learning acrobatics. It was something I always found so amazing yet so under appreciated.

They practice endlessly and even though their mistakes lead to great pain, the result is worth every minute. It takes great balance, strength, and flexibility, both physically and mentally, which were qualities I was especially parched of after my recent experience.

I soon started doing body weight exercises and trying to hold a handstand against the wall everyday until I hit general fatigue and was forced to take a few days to rest.

I felt learning to handstand was a metaphor for my break up. I remember the first time I was upside down against the wall staring at my hands. The blood was rushing to my head, a distressed look on my face, I was unable to breathe, and the strain on my body was incredible. My arms started to give and I started to panic. I tried to move away but only ended up falling on my face. My body was throbbing and I sat on the floor thinking it was impossible, that I'll never be able to do this. I forced myself to keep going and keep trying, and with every attempt it became less impossible.

I always believed it was equally as important to challenge your body just as much as your mind and spirit. Your body adapts and becomes stronger through suffering just as your mind and spirit. Since our body is our physical presence and our capsule through life I've always felt its important to challenge and train it to become the best it can possibly be. We are meant to move and be active, so respect and honor its requests and it will reward you. There is either a dualism or a unity between mind and body, either way they are connected. And after all, you are only as strong as your weakest link. Our action [body] determines thought [mind], and our thought determines action.

To this day I am no master acrobat, but I have come a long way from where I started. I have learned the staple of all acrobatics, the handstand, and although I am happy with my accomplishment I want to be able to do it with perfect straight form which is still a work in progress.

This was a beautiful portrayal of how the mind, body and spirit are all connected, along with the way one works toward a goal, a goal that looks to be tangible, operational, tactical and physical -- when it is so, so, SO much more.

For me, it was my growth in power yoga. I now have 7 years of advanced, athletic, strenuous, and devoted practice to be proud of, but the greatest moments as my practice advanced, has always been in achieving what had originally looked and felt, similar to you, impossible. I would laugh at the thought of doing a head stand. I was all "no way" at the thought of rising up from a straddle position to do a tripod headstand. Jump back from a crow? What? And I accomplished all of these elements, slowly, steadily, by connecting the dots, just like you did. For me, it was like learning a language, after learning disconnected words, and then putting them all together to create a beautiful sentence, or a question, or a passage. That's what it felt like.

But for me, I envisioned myself doing a pose. I envisioned myself, over and over and over. I didn't even *try* the pose, I would get to a point, stop, and envision. Then, after months and months of envisioning, and watching and observing, in one fell swoop, I was able to do the pose. Like out of no where. As though it was more mental than physical. And yes, being upside-down is exhilarating, there are times I cannot wait to do an inversion.

Do you know what I mean? It is your MIND that holds you back, not your body. It is your MIND that says, NO, you cannot do that. So your mind starts to shift, and tells you, YES, you can do that. YES, you will look beautiful doing that. YES, you have the strength to do that. And then, you become all of it.

And it is thrilling. You connect your body, mind and spirit, and it is thrilling, isn't it?

PS We work on hand stands in my yoga classes, but after quite a while, I told my teacher that I do not aspire to doing a hand stand (that's the truth) and that is why I cannot do one. I aspire to scorpion pose, and so when the class works on hand stands, I work on scorpion. She thinks it's very cool that I know this about myself. Someday, I may aspire to hand stands. Time will tell.

Thank you, PPete. And again, I await your next chapters, no matter what the topic. Peace / out. Graceful

August 6, 2011

Alright friends, I'll give response to people first and then decipher my dream

I often have dreams where I'm levitating. They're pretty good. I analysed it with the aid of Freud's interpretation of dreams and was disappointed by the very mundane suggestion that this dream means I wish I were taller (I'm average height and wasn't aware of this being a particular issue for me). I still think it was a "flying" wish fulfilment dream.

That's a weird interpretation! I never really look to Freud for inspiration regarding dreams because his student Carl Jung was much more specialized in it and basically wrote the book on it.

Off topic a bit, but a little psychology history I want to share. Jung after studying under Freud for many years eventually began to disagree with him and decided to continue his practice on his own, which hurt Freud deeply since Jung was like a son to him. Jung became successful without Freud, and Freud started to become envious and hateful because of it. They barely ever spoke after that. Freud had an embarrassing neurosis which caused him to faint at the sight of powerful men, so when Jung did end up visiting Freud, Freud would always pass out .

Your dreams of levitating to me represent that you may not feel "grounded". A lot of things may feel up in the air for you which could be causing you to feel stressed out. Looking it up in my dream dictionary, it says you may feel disconnected from the people around you. Some things to consider anyway .

Another less pleasant one involves me neglecting something I'm supposed to be looking after. Those are horrible dreams. Suddenly realising that I have a baby which I haven't attended to for a couple of days - or, perhaps, a kitten or a puppy. I can't imagine ever neglecting a child or an animal in real life, but I wondered if it was a fear of responsibility. A friend said more likely it was to do with me neglecting my "inner child"....though in all honesty, I don't think there's much chance of that happening either.

Your neglect dreams sound like to me that you may have trouble forming new habits or resurrecting old ones. I say this because kittens, puppies, and babies are all technically new. Maybe your dream is trying to tell you you need to start applying those new characteristics you want to adapt to your everyday life.

Usually the dreamer knows best. If you have a strong gut feeling about what you feel a dream is about you're probably right, even if the symbolism doesn't particularly add up. I can see your interpretation as a fear of responsibility just as valid. Thanks for your response, I appreciate it . I guess we'll find out what my dream translates to later down the page

I rarely remember my dreams, but if I do, they are very much like real life. But one thing I thought you'd enjoy knowing is that I almost always wake up with a song in my head. Just about every day. It's often the last song I listened to the day before, or a song that I am currently obsessed with that I listen to often. But it's NICE to wake up with a song in your head.

Yes that's interesting! That never happens to me. Do you think a lot about music or a very musical person? If you hardly remember your dreams, perhaps you are a light sleeper and you never really fall deep into your unconscious. I'm gonna try explaining what I think it is in an analogy .

Think of yourself as a DVD player, and when you are conscious your thoughts can be represented as playing a movie. When you are sleeping lightly in say stage 1-2 sleep, think of your rest as just pressing pause on the DVD player, instead of hitting stop which is like stage 3-4-REM sleep. So if you're a light sleeper and just hitting pause, when you wake up and press play your thoughts picks up where they left off. Light sleeping causes you to stick to the shallow end of your unconsciousness. Perhaps if you always hum or sing along to songs and music is often on your mind, it may be common for your mind to bring up songs you heard not too long ago from your head and have you remember them as dreams.

Do you know what I mean? It is your MIND that holds you back, not your body. It is your MIND that says, NO, you cannot do that. So your mind starts to shift, and tells you, YES, you can do that. YES, you will look beautiful doing that. YES, you have the strength to do that. And then, you become all of it.

And it is thrilling. You connect your body, mind and spirit, and it is thrilling, isn't it?

You're right, A lot of it is mental. A friend of mine that has horrible flexibility linked me an interesting article in his defense about how stretching is more of a mental placebo rather then a physical improvement thing, if that makes sense. Instead of typing it out and making this an even larger wall of text, I'll just give you the link here . My mental side always tries to hold me back, and a lot of times it is successful. I can do frontflips, backflips, gainers and kick the moons on things like trampolines or mats or spotters where I know I'll be fine, but on solid ground I get too fearful because I don't want to break my neck.

I love performing handstands and advanced physical feats though, not only because I am improving my body, but because in a sense my identity disappears when I practice or perform them. I am no longer "P-Pete", but I am a handstand, or a tucked planche, or a human flag. It's like a form of meditation, and watching yourself improve gives a lot of confidence and assurance.I'm also practicing a scorpion! I got a ways to go though, since my lower back isn't flexible enough yet

I just deciphered my dream, and after going through the symbolism I find it shockingly relevant to my life.

So, yards apparently represent how you maintain and balance aspects of your life. The yard I dreamed about was well maintained and clean .

The next part of the dream was the overgrown cat that I was afraid of. Cats are almost always represented as feminine, and being fearful of them may mean that I am scared or intimidated by a girl/woman. Dreaming about something big or overgrown often symbolizes having an inflated opinion about something or someone. The cat was friendly and it circled me and ran around my yard a bit, but because I was scared it ended up running down the trail. I think the cat represents bank girl. I have an inflated opinion of her because I have a bit of a crush on her, and I am a bit intimidated about talking to her because she's very beautiful. The cat was very friendly though, but because I never did anything it ran away down the trail, which could represent that if I don't do something she'll lose interest in me.

After that, I noticed the garage door was open and my dad was inside at his workbench. I looked up what garage door could mean, and found that it means that I have a firm idea of what I want, where I want to go, who I want to be, etc. My theory on my dad at the workbench is that it represents I am "working" on adopting more manly qualities, being a protector, provider, and an authority figure. I have been acting as an authority figure at work because often the customers try to get us to bend over backwards for them, and I'm usually the one that ends up sticking up for my co-workers and telling rude customers to screw off

The crazy dog. I had to look this up also because I never dreamed about it, but it apparently symbolizes overcoming the opinion of others. When I saw the dog coming, I started going into the open garage [what I want] as it was snapping and growling at me. When it noticed my dad [authority], it started to get ready to attack him. I kicked it hard in its neck [symbolizes willpower and control], and watched it suffocate as bone [underlying strength] was exposed. I think it's relevant to standing up to *********s at work, because even though I know better as to why they are probably acting like jerks and blaming things on me that aren't my fault, I still get angry. That is symbolized in the dream by me thinking about stabbing the dog with a knife through its head. Knife represents anger or aggression, and a head can symbolize understanding. Even though sometimes its hard to say no and I feel guilty afterwards, it was necessary.

So hopefully that's not illegible. Basically the dream hinted to me that bank girl likes me, and will probably really like me when she gets to know me, but if I never ask her out from being scared, I'll never get that opportunity with her. It also reflected that I am on the right track for becoming a "man" by standing up for my co-workers and not avoiding confrontation when it's necessary.

So there's an example of dream interpretation and what it can do for you! As you can see they're deeply personal, so I'm still undecided of whether I want to decipher another on the spot in my public diary . Maybe it will inspire some readers to pick up this useful ability, it has done nothing but improve my life and sense of identity.

PS -This response turned out a bit longer then what I imagined, sorry for the wall of text!

August 7, 2011

Well, Lunges and I didn't get to meet the guy today. She lost interest in doing it, and no longer wants to take the time to meet him for coffee. Apparently she heard from the grapevine that the guy is going to ask her to be in his movie, but she has to pay him for a part . A co-worker dug up some dirt on him, and apparently he doesn't really have a lot goin' for him right now as it is. Anyway, if anything new happens with that subject I'll be sure to update.

I wanted to talk about relationships tonight, but I felt like too much of a preacher with what I wrote and it wasn't really personal to me. I could go on about my relationship morals and all that jazz, but I'm sure I'd just sound like a broken record since it is a frequently talked about subject. I went through a messy breakup with my ex after a 4 year relationship, so I have been taking a break from relationships for awhile and not really considering one. That was until I came across bank girl of course .

I really like her, and I feel like it is a healthy affection. My life hasn't been on hold since I came across her, and she isn't the only thing that floods through my head. Of course she is physically beautiful, but I guess I am more ambitious over the vibe she gives off when I'm around her. She seems like an intelligent person. Now that I have been single for awhile, and I have compared my life to being by myself and being with my ex, I realize now that I need someone to give me space and won't hold me down from what I'm good at, and someone with enough intelligence to at least follow along with what I'm saying.

I just briefly reflected on my relationship with my ex for the first time in several months, and the memories I have with her are so strange. It doesn't even feel like they are my memories, but someone elses. I guess that is a good indicator that I am over her. She ended up marrying the guy that she cheated with and left me for 4 months after our breakup. I heard there hasn't even been a wedding yet, but just a legal contract binding them for life. One of her reasons for leaving me was that I was too smart and made her feel dumb, no kidding . Regardless of what was said, I hope she is living happily now because everyone deserves happiness. Although, I must admit I have a feeling that she's feeling a bit let down with how her life has shaped up.

I guess I'm just a bit hesitant of having another relationship. I can't help but have doubts since I tend to over analyze things. It's strange with bank girl, it just feels like it is something I must do. I have to ask her out. I'm not scared of her rejection, so that isn't whats bothering me... I guess I am more afraid of her getting to know me and not liking something about me, or vice versa. Other then those doubts, I could definitely handle a relationship with someone. I want to make her happier, and it would be nice to be able to connect to someone.

If anyone has got any advice, please feel free. My plan so far hasn't been progressing very well. I don't know if her working at the bank is just a summer job, and I don't want to miss my chance with her. People on LS think I should go for it, I think I should, even my dreams are telling me to, but I need a plan.

August 8, 2011

P-Pete,

Thank you for the dream / DVR analogy -- and yes, I am a light sleeper most of the time. Part of that is attributable to the fact I have pets -- and I rarely get to sleep through the night without either someone running across the bed like a streak of lightening, or coming up to my face to check to see if I'm asleep , or waking me up b/c the snack bowl is empty even though there were snacks in it before I went to bed ... and on and on. But yes, I am more like the "pause" button, that was a very clever analogy, loved it.

I do have an idea for you, and will describe it to you when I have the time and presence of mind asap, as right now I need to get offline for a bit to accomplish a few home cleaning tasks. UGH.

Also, my jaw dropped when you wrote that your ex married the person she cheated on you with and left you for, as my ex also cheated on me -- and also married the cheater person, as well as having been married at the courthouse, and not having a wedding. Cue "Twilight Zone" music.

Anyhow, I'll be back as soon as I can with some input about Bank Babe. Hope your week starts out well tomorrow. Let's both make a commitment to practice scorpion pose this week. It will help me to know that you are with me in spirit. Will return soon, later, whenever. But I will.

August 8, 2011

P-Pete,
Thank you for the dream / DVR analogy -- and yes, I am a light sleeper most of the time. Part of that is attributable to the fact I have pets -- and I rarely get to sleep through the night without either someone running across the bed like a streak of lightening, or coming up to my face to check to see if I'm asleep , or waking me up b/c the snack bowl is empty even though there were snacks in it before I went to bed ... and on and on. But yes, I am more like the "pause" button, that was a very clever analogy, loved it.

Thanks! I'm glad you liked it. I have cats that usually keep me up at night as well. I keep my door closed because whenever I leave my room open they cause a bunch of trouble, but usually every other night one of them is beating the crap out of the door and meowing. It hasn't been so bad lately, but a couple months ago I was averaging only 3-4 hours a night because of them.

I do have an idea for you, and will describe it to you when I have the time and presence of mind asap, as right now I need to get offline for a bit to accomplish a few home cleaning tasks. UGH.

Great! Looking forward to hearing it. I could use all the help I can get.

Also, my jaw dropped when you wrote that your ex married the person she cheated on you with and left you for, as my ex also cheated on me -- and also married the cheater person, as well as having been married at the courthouse, and not having a wedding. Cue "Twilight Zone" music.

WOW! That is creepy . It all happens for a reason though. All it showed me was that I dodged a major bullet with her. My ex apparently did a lot of other stupid stuff after we broke up, but I think her marrying a guy at 20 years old after being a relationship for 4 months takes the cake. I'm not really keepin tabs on her anymore for obvious reasons.

Anyhow, I'll be back as soon as I can with some input about Bank Babe. Hope your week starts out well tomorrow. Let's both make a commitment to practice scorpion pose this week. It will help me to know that you are with me in spirit. Will return soon, later, whenever. But I will.

Thank you, you too! I was just actually practicing my handstands and did a few attempts of it. Definitely need more flexibility in my lower back. I also had to use the wall as a spotter with legs so far forward to get use to the balance. A couple of times if the wall hadn't been there I'd probably be in a lot of pain right now

Today was pretty good. Got up early and worked all morning and finished by about 3. Then I decided to go for a drive and practice starting/stopping on steep hills where 6/7 were successful. I came home and walked to a nearby park and did some muscle ups/pull up variations for a few minutes until some youngin's took over the playground, so I went home and practiced some handstands in the backyard. I then finished watching the TV series Arrested Development, and after dinner took on the ultimate test of patience and willpower: driving with my mother in the passenger seat .

God that was a challenge, but I wanted to test my skills and see if I could drive to the best of my ability with her stressing and lecturing me while trying to operate the vehicle . The speed limit was 50km/h but I was apparently speeding and going too fast if I went over 40, so I pretty much stayed in second gear the entire time no matter what. I managed to not lose my temper and just smile at her performance as she was clutching the door handle and bracing herself against the seat as I slowly crept around corners. I couldn't help but crack up as shes asking me if I could downshift to first with the speed limit still 50 [thank god there was no one else on the road]. I explained to her that downshifting into first is rarely a good idea, and at this speed it's hard on the engine, and she started to get angry at me about how this isn't a race car blablabla. Her argument made no sense anyway, so I just chuckled to myself and let her get it off her chest. When we got to the empty side street with the very steep hill that I had practiced on earlier, I only stalled 3 times out of 10 with mom voicing her complete lack of confidence in me. After pulling over and letting her sit in the driver seat and lecture me about "tickling the clutch", we finally got home and she said I did way better then she expected. She thought I would be grinding the gears and stalling all the time . Instead she commented on how smooth the ride was.

After that I refreshed my knowledge on Socrates and Plato, and even learned that Socrates, the father of western philosophy and perhaps the wisest man that has ever lived, couldn't read or write. I then did 2x10 of 30lb inverted situps and 2x15 pullups, worked on my pistol squats with the leg I have troubles doing it with, and practiced my forearm stand and scorpion pose.

So yea thats pretty much it. I've been trying to put on weight to make skills like handstands easier to perform, and I've gained about two pounds so far due to my lack of activity from the heat, but I've lost a bit of muscle definition to my stomach so I don't feel as fit. Even though after my exercises today I have noticed my technique improve and I'm able to hold them longer, I feel out of shape just because my abs aren't as noticeable anymore. The funny thing is most of it is probably in my head anyway .

August 9, 2011

I want to just take this time to reflect on how selfish I am. I realize that everything I have ever done that is for someone else I didn't like, and everything I do for myself I feel satisfied. Although when I'm finished school I will be pursuing a career to help other people, in the end I only chose that career path because helping others makes me feel good. Not for enriching other peoples live, not for guiding other people with their struggles, but for my own self fufilment. The rest just seems to be a bonus that comes with the job.

My purpose in life is made by my ego and what makes it happy. I didn't carry an old womens bags of items to her car for her, I don't put in 110% at work for my boss, and I don't go out of my way to do something nice for someone for them. In the end, I do it because it reminds me of how whole I feel. I don't go to university for validation from others, I don't work out so that females find me physically attractive, and I certainly don't write on LS for other peoples benefit, it is all for me.

Even in relationships where you are suppose to be thinking about the other person, I was always successful when I thought of myself first. I would buy her flowers for me, I would write her cute poetry for me, I would massage her feet after a hard day for me, and I loved her with all my heart for my benefit. It is only when I started to put her first did things in my life start to go downhill, and the relationship inevitably fail.

So maybe that is the reason why so many people are depressed or filled with anxiety in this day and age, they are just too generous. They live for other people, for their expectations, their approval, their support, so on and so forth. Doing good for others is after all morally enforced in this society, and being selfish is somewhat frowned upon. I'm impressed by those people that can give so much for others, because personally I couldn't do that. I'm trying to be the most selfish person I know. Everything I do I try to make it for me. All I can think about are things for me, for my improvement, for my benefit, and if it turns out to help someone else it's a bonus. If I can't make it about me, then I'm not doing it. Doing things that don't effect me in someway only make me feel empty. Trying to please someone elses expectations never got me anywhere, and it rarely satisfies that particular individual either.

August 10, 2011

I'm not feeling like much of a sophist today, but I just feel like writing some thoughts down to ease some space in my mind.

It's been a bit of a long day today so I am just enjoying lounging on my bed. I had an early start at work today, and ended up staying 45 minutes overtime to help out with a over sized order. I did some driving around today and I'm feeling much more confident with the feel of the car. It no longer has that feeling of a "new car" but more "my car" which is making feel a bit more relaxed. I practiced starting on various hills ranging in steepness and I didn't stall once, and I'm now able to do everything I was able to do in my old car with my new car which is comforting. It's taken some time but I think I've finally gotten a bit closer to understanding my new car .

Tonight I'm listening to some of the music I use to listen to when I was in my early to mid teens. It's so strange how listening to a particular song just resurrects memories you didn't even know you still had. It helps me remember the person I was at one point in my life, which reminds me of how many different types of people I have been in my short lifetime. I saw my 6th grade teacher a couple weeks back at work, and she didn't even recognize me from how much I have changed in 8 or 9 years. Different thought processes, points of view, beliefs, intelligence, ability, and appearance. The only thing that stays static in me is my core which determines the choices and path the evolution of self discovery. Its like my general school of thought is taking me down the tiers and prototypes of people, and the possibility of who I am only stops at death. About 5 or 6 versions of "me" have already died in my lifetime, remembered but never really mourned. How many more identities will I go through? Does it ever end? We all strive for self discovery, but that sense of being can only be discovered through becoming. How strange.

To take things back to the shallow end, I've started working towards a planche now. I need to get a set of paralettes so that I can do some more advanced exercises and progress a bit easier. After recently being able to hold a frog stand for about 2 minutes, I started working on the tucked planche. Yesterday after a few attempts I managed to hold a static one with good form for about 10 seconds, but it caused a lot of strain on my forearms. I don't know if it's muscular sore or if its something like tendonitis, but they are really aching today. Maybe I should have eased into 10 second holds a bit more gradually rather then my third try ever. With my frequent pullups and handstands that day, I probably pushed myself a bit too far . I just need to rest my arms until the pain goes away now.

Oh right, I get my paycheck next week which means a trip to the bank. I don't want to miss yet another chance with the young lady at the bank, so I'm taking ideas. I know Graceful has something planned out for me, but if anyone else has any suggestions as to what I should do please share . Thanks for reading.

August 11, 2011

Oh right, I get my paycheck next week which means a trip to the bank. I don't want to miss yet another chance with the young lady at the bank, so I'm taking ideas. I know Graceful has something planned out for me, but if anyone else has any suggestions as to what I should do please share . Thanks for reading.

P-Pete,

I haven't had time to respond, even though I continue to be entertained here at your blog. RE: the planning for Bank Babe. I have not had a chance to patent my home grown system (and it's partly a belief system with a Q&A step to it), and therefore, I don't want to write it for the public forum in case someone decides to run with my concept and make a buck off of it. :D

Just kidding. But seriously, I'll PM you to give you the scoop, as I think that would be best. Just wanted to let you know. So I'll speak with you soon. Thanks. Graceful

August 11, 2011

Tonight I'm listening to some of the music I use to listen to when I was in my early to mid teens. It's so strange how listening to a particular song just resurrects memories you didn't even know you still had. It helps me remember the person I was at one point in my life, which reminds me of how many different types of people I have been in my short lifetime. I saw my 6th grade teacher a couple weeks back at work, and she didn't even recognize me from how much I have changed in 8 or 9 years. Different thought processes, points of view, beliefs, intelligence, ability, and appearance. The only thing that stays static in me is my core which determines the choices and path the evolution of self discovery. Its like my general school of thought is taking me down the tiers and prototypes of people, and the possibility of who I am only stops at death. About 5 or 6 versions of "me" have already died in my lifetime, remembered but never really mourned. How many more identities will I go through? Does it ever end? We all strive for self discovery, but that sense of being can only be discovered through becoming. How strange.

Wonderful read, it's nice to know I am not alone in my journey of self discovery in regards to examination of the evolution of myself over the years, along with all the facets of my personality that are bundled into this one being, but emerge at different times due to differing circumstances. There is never one singular all encompassing part to me that stays in charge at all times. It's usually a variety pack of parts of my personality all wrapped into one big tasty burrito that is me, different with every bite all depending which part you sink your teeth into.

August 11, 2011

P-Pete,
I haven't had time to respond, even though I continue to be entertained here at your blog. RE: the planning for Bank Babe. I have not had a chance to patent my home grown system (and it's partly a belief system with a Q&A step to it), and therefore, I don't want to write it for the public forum in case someone decides to run with my concept and make a buck off of it. :D
Just kidding. But seriously, I'll PM you to give you the scoop, as I think that would be best. Just wanted to let you know. So I'll speak with you soon. Thanks. Graceful

Ahaha oh ok . I'm looking forward to hearing it then! I value your opinion and advice.

Wonderful read, it's nice to know I am not alone in my journey of self discovery in regards to examination of the evolution of myself over the years, along with all the facets of my personality that are bundled into this one being, but emerge at different times due to differing circumstances. There is never one singular all encompassing part to me that stays in charge at all times. It's usually a variety pack of parts of my personality all wrapped into one big tasty burrito that is me, different with every bite all depending which part you sink your teeth into.

I notice that too. There are the many identities I have had growing up, and then ontop of that there are the archetypes to those personalities, yet there is still that essence of who I am within all of them. Around other people I am usually an optimist to put it briefly, but by myself I am mostly a dreamer and a philosopher. I just notice how versions of myself scales to all magnifications that all depends on who surrounds me and my current mood. My mind is a bit burnt out tonight, so I will try to explain myself in depth tomorrow . Thanks for your response.

God. I think one of my co-workers has a crush on me. I REALLY hope it isn't true, but from what I experienced today I am a bit skeptical. I can never just be friends with a female that's my age. Literally 9 times out of 10 they end up developing some sort of feelings for me which makes things uncomfortable for me. My last job I had two girls fighting over me even though they already knew I already had a girlfriend. It ended with both of them confessing their feelings for me. One of them turned out to be a good friend, while the other one quit and shunned me and called me gay for rejecting her . Oh high school.

So anyway, the co-worker is Lunges. My sister is coming to visit this weekend so Lunges ended up taking a shift for me in return for me driving her to town for her to get her license. She lives close by and doesn't have her license yet, so instead of her spending all day with public transit or a taxi I just thought it'd be nice since she was doing me a favor taking one of my shifts. I drove to her house this morning and she let me in wanting me to follow her into her room, but instead I just kinda stayed at the front door. We ended up driving to the registration place, and I just noticed she was playfully teasing me and and laughing at everything I said. She also touched my arm or shoulder a couple of times which made me a bit more aware of her behavior. We got there, she ended up passing, and she ran up to me and gave me a big hug. It was one of those full body hugs and not just a quick friendly one. Anyway, pulled up to her house and she said thanks and another big hug in the car where her face was against my neck and she was moving her hand on my back. After I started driving away I noticed the collar of my shirt was a bit moist, so I don't know if that was by accident or what.

She's nice and everything, and even though I was aware of her existence in high school we weren't friends or anything. After all I've only had 3 shifts with her, and she has a boyfriend already. I really hope my instinct is wrong, I really don't feel like groovin' to this song and dance once again.

August 12, 2011

As I mentioned earlier, I want to reflect on how much I have changed during the years. It just makes me think about how life and death are in so many different scales on this planet, even during life we experience death within ourselves.

The common and more brief version of this is just biological life and death. I am born as "me", I live as "me", and I die as "me". The end? As much as I would prefer it, that isn't what the logic of the universe suggests. If there is no end, then there can never be a beginning. Therefore how would we begin in the first place if we already hadn't experienced some sort of end before? If there was no death, there would be no such thing as life, and if there was no death, life wouldn't exist. The earth recycles itself and is a self preserving organism as a whole. It makes no sense for life to just end and never return. "change" has one foot in death, and the other in life.

On a smaller scale,I can think of at least 6 different people I have been in my 20 years on earth. Those 5 that I once were have already served there purpose during my development, but their demise was necessary for becoming the person I am today. I have already lived as 5 people with different appearances, abilities, thought patterns, points of view, etc. I know the person I am now will die, but through his death a new version of me will be reborn. It would not feel like I'm living without aspects of myself dying through life.

On a smaller scale then that, I usually fit my personality depending on who I am with so that we get along better. I don't talk about deep philosophical topics that often with co-workers for example, because quite frankly they aren't that interested in it. I am a different form of person to my family then I am to my friends, and each person gets a unique archetype of myself that they can relate to the easiest. Those archetypes die and become absorbed into the bigger pool of myself the more they get to know me. Through their deaths, an improved version of who I am is born as our relationship grows.

On a much larger scale, you can look at the life span of planet earth. It lives as a whole, but think about the life that earth has been a habitat for, just as we've been a habitat for our personalities. There have been trillions of deaths and births during earths existence, but that's what makes Earth what it is.

Anyway, I am finding this difficult to find the right words to describe it. and this feels like a sloppy explanation, but I can't think of a better way to explain it right now. Hopefully with that explanation you're able to catch on to the stream of thought.. You can't have life without death to say the least. If I don't experience some sort of change within myself during the rest of my lifetime, it would be evident that I'm only surviving and not living.

August 12, 2011

On a smaller scale,I can think of at least 6 different people I have been in my 20 years on earth. Those 5 that I once were have already served there purpose during my development, but their demise was necessary for becoming the person I am today. I have already lived as 5 people with different appearances, abilities, thought patterns, points of view, etc. I know the person I am now will die, but through his death a new version of me will be reborn. It would not feel like I'm living without aspects of myself dying through life.

On a smaller scale then that, I usually fit my personality depending on who I am with so that we get along better. I don't talk about deep philosophical topics that often with co-workers for example, because quite frankly they aren't that interested in it. I am a different form of person to my family then I am to my friends, and each person gets a unique archetype of myself that they can relate to the easiest. Those archetypes die and become absorbed into the bigger pool of myself the more they get to know me. Through their deaths, an improved version of who I am is born as our relationship grows.

Anyway, I am finding this difficult to find the right words to describe it. and this feels like a sloppy explanation, but I can't think of a better way to explain it right now. Hopefully with that explanation you're able to catch on to the stream of thought.. You can't have life without death to say the least. If I don't experience some sort of change within myself during the rest of my lifetime, it would be evident that I'm only surviving and not living.

Well, of course, this really is an on-going discussion or narrative, that would be great as an interactive discussion to hear other points of view. And I agree, it is difficult to describe.

Have you read Carl Rogers? That's the first thing I thought of when I read your thoughts on the idea of changing, evolving, developing, and theorizing on the many "versions" of ourselves not only in any given day, but over the course of a lifetime. But does that mean it's really a different version, or does it mean that's part of the gift of being a human being and differentiates us from different species on the planet? We have minds that give us emotions, and reason, and our world is very complex as we have to deal with other human beings, and navigate through this world of unexpected personalities and people with completely different life experiences than we have.

"On Becoming a Person" is a classic by Rogers. You might want to check it out. It's like saying that as we navigate through life, that's how we discover who we really are. It's not "fixed" or unchangeable. Our experiences give us depth and insight. But we have to use that experience and understand it to grow. This goes over some peoples' heads, unfortunately. But you can also get too mired down by it, and by that I mean, "study" life and growth, rather than just let it happen, having "aha" moments and revelations that give you pause for thought along the way.

I'm older than you, yet I feel there are aspects of me that are the same as they were when I was 5 years old. Parts of me that are reflections of the way I was raised (wonderfully and thankfully, by two fantastic parents, although I had no idea how lucky I was until I got older), and yet, I can still acknowledge my maturity in ways that make me a very different person now, than I was then, of course.

On another note, I love this quote by the beloved boxer, Muhammad Ali:

"A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life."

I really do love that quote. What do you think?

I hope you are having, or will have, a fine day.

PS. I'll send you that PM over the weekend -- I haven't forgotten.

self reflection and philisophical rants

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