conehead Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Went out 4 dates with guy met online and have plans this weekend for a 5th date (there was a bit of a kink after the 3rd date but thats another thread). We have been dating for almost a month. He tells me he really likes me and I'm starting to develop pretty strong feelings for him. On our 4th date, we did kiss...and to me kissing is a big deal. I don't need to be official with someone to kiss but at the same time I'd only do that with someone I have a strong connection with it, hence that is why it took so many dates for it to happen. Prior to that I only kissed him on the cheek. If you were in this situation, would you still agree to meet other people from online? I had the opportunity to, but I turned it down because I'd feel really guilty about it eventhough we aren't exclusive we have expressed the way we feel about each other. And oh, he told me that I'm the first girl he has ever kissed in his entire life! (he is 33, said he's shy). But now, I'm starting to feel a bit insecure myself...because I'm wondering maybe he is seeing other people!! If so, I'd feel like a huge fool that I turned down my own opportunity....but moreso I think I'd feel hurt to the point of tears.
vsmini Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Yep - if it's not agreed upon and you guys have not talked about exclusivity - you can both see other people if you want. Nothing is spoken in stone here. If you want to move into something more serious then you'll have to talk with him about it.
tigressA Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Always, always, always assume that the person you are dating is seeing others as well until you talk about it and they tell you point-blank that they are not. If you want and/or need to know about his status, you need to talk to him. Personally, when I started online dating I was always dating others. I never disclosed it unless someone asked me. If they were hurt after they asked and I told them yes, I'm dating others, it was on them. You don't have a claim on anyone you're dating until you explicitly establish exclusivity via "the talk".
Author conehead Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 If they were hurt after they asked and I told them yes, I'm dating others, it was on them. You don't have a claim on anyone you're dating until you explicitly establish exclusivity via "the talk". Yes, it would be on him, but at the same time, I think if he found out I was dating others he would be hurt and I might risk losing him. I don't want to hurt or lose him, esp since I'm the first girl he ever kissed. He doesnt really understand dating. I for one remember when I first started dating I had no idea we needed to have the talk to be bf/gf. I started dating this guy and just assumed we were exclusive hence I never asked only to find out the hard way. This guy right here is really hard to read because he is 33 and the longest he has dated thus far is a month (with me!) and he admitted he has only kissed one girl (and that girl is me!)
oaks Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 If you were in this situation, would you still agree to meet other people from online? I'm in a very similar situation... 4 dates in, not exclusive, kissed on 4th date. In general I'm a supporter of multi-dating in the early stages (which I think means not more than a handful of dates with any one person before narrowing things down to just one) so at that stage I wouldn't start seeing someone new if I really thought that things with the current person were progressing well. But, that's just me. If you're not exclusive but you're ideally looking for an exclusive relationship, you can either take steps towards being exclusive with the current guy (directly by asking him, or indirectly by turning down advances from other guys) or you can see other people as well to see if they are any better. but... ... what we think isn't as important as what the guy you're dating thinks. It can be a dealbreaker for lots of people even though you aren't exclusive.
oaks Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 This guy right here is really hard to read because he is 33 and the longest he has dated thus far is a month (with me!) and he admitted he has only kissed one girl (and that girl is me!) Ok. You're going to have to wear the trousers for a few minutes to overcome his inexperience. Do you want to be exclusive with him? You'll have to ask him, or tell him to ask you (and don't be subtle).
oaks Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Always, always, always assume that the person you are dating is seeing others as well until you talk about it and they tell you point-blank that they are not. TigressA knows her stuff.
Feelsgoodman Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Yep - if it's not agreed upon and you guys have not talked about exclusivity - you can both see other people if you want. Nothing is spoken in stone here. If you want to move into something more serious then you'll have to talk with him about it. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I think there's an unspoken rule that once you start to get serious with another person, exclusivity is implied and does not need to be expressly discussed. Then again, I've never been a fan of "multi-dating", which is a pretty stupid concept anyway.
SmileFace Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Since you know his back ground. He may think you guys are actually in a relationship. You may want to mention it to him or move along since you want to date others. You don't know what he is doing and can't make a guess but do you really think he is dating others?
Author conehead Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 Since you know his back ground. He may think you guys are actually in a relationship. You may want to mention it to him or move along since you want to date others. You don't know what he is doing and can't make a guess but do you really think he is dating others? Thats what I sort of thought but I notice that he still logs onto the dating site...so as of now, he must know that we are NOT exclusive. I mean I log on daily as well but not really searching for others, just looking up on HIM lol
iJester Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 If you truly are his first kiss, at 33..I don't think you have anything to worry about.
SmileFace Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Thats what I sort of thought but I notice that he still logs onto the dating site...so as of now, he must know that we are NOT exclusive. I mean I log on daily as well but not really searching for others, just looking up on HIM lol He may be signing in just to check on you. Just talk to him.
Janesays Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 I really try to just do what I want to do without considering what the other person is doing. I figure what the other person is not my business or concern unless we're in a relationship. For example, with my current guy, after about a month of talking, I quit seeing other people. I just wasn't interested, so I didn't do it. We weren't exclusive and I actually assumed he was still seeing others. But I, personally, didn't want to anymore, so I just quit. On the other hand, if I'm not feeling someone and want to see others, I will. What the other person is doing has no bearing on this decision. Hope that makes sense.
snug.bunny Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Would I?...maybe. Have I?...nope. What do YOU think about dating others, at your current juncture....? Is there someone else you're interested in, or is it because he "may" be dating others....?
Author conehead Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 Would I?...maybe. Have I?...nope. What do YOU think about dating others, at your current juncture....? Is there someone else you're interested in, or is it because he "may" be dating others....? Last night I turned down someone I might be interested in -- we never met, just emailed...and I turned him down when he asked to chat over the phone. I told him my situation and he understood and said that if he was in my situation that he'd have done the same thing. I however gave him my contact info and told him if for whatever reason things dont work out with my current guy that I'd hope to talk to him again. I told him my reason for not wanting to meet him is because I feel that it will be unfair to everyone. So my main reason for turning this other guy down is because I feel that it will be unfair to meet with him even though I'm starting to really get serious with the 33 year old. I guess I just put myself in the 33 year olds shoes and also in the shoe of the other guy and my morals kinda kicked in lol I guess I feel I'm doing the right thing here. I guess Im just insecure and hoping that the 33 year old guy is also doing the same....I guess I fear to be disappointed if I found out he was seeing other girls. I think if I found out he was seeing other girls, Id probably end things with him because I'd feel hurt and not be able to trust him anymore after he told me how much he liked me
OliveOyl Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 After the second date with my now BF I stopped looking around. Multi-dating is not my style. Between the 2nd and 3rd date we didn't have an overt "exclusivity talk" but I told him I wasn't interested in dating others, and he told me the same thing. Both of us disabled our online profiles by that time. There was no real formal "talk," it just sort of evolved. It was more along the lines of what Feelsgoodman said. Later on, we did say we were BF/GF officially.
snug.bunny Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Last night I turned down someone I might be interested in -- we never met, just emailed...and I turned him down when he asked to chat over the phone. I told him my situation and he understood and said that if he was in my situation that he'd have done the same thing. I however gave him my contact info and told him if for whatever reason things dont work out with my current guy that I'd hope to talk to him again. I told him my reason for not wanting to meet him is because I feel that it will be unfair to everyone. So my main reason for turning this other guy down is because I feel that it will be unfair to meet with him even though I'm starting to really get serious with the 33 year old. I guess I just put myself in the 33 year olds shoes and also in the shoe of the other guy and my morals kinda kicked in lol I guess I feel I'm doing the right thing here. I guess Im just insecure and hoping that the 33 year old guy is also doing the same....I guess I fear to be disappointed if I found out he was seeing other girls. I think if I found out he was seeing other girls, Id probably end things with him because I'd feel hurt and not be able to trust him anymore after he told me how much he liked me Nicely stated. Always try to be aware and recognize your feelings first, before what "others" would do. This situation is unique to you and it sounds like you have given it some good thought. I hope the feelings are mutual between you both and time will tell.
dispatch3d Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 lol so just to be clear, you stated that you "think" you might be insecure by feeling that a guy (whose only kissed one girl in his life) may be seeing other girls which would crush you. You therefore feel that you should also be seeing other guys to make up for this. Haha is this a serious post?
Author conehead Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 lol so just to be clear, you stated that you "think" you might be insecure by feeling that a guy (whose only kissed one girl in his life) may be seeing other girls which would crush you. You therefore feel that you should also be seeing other guys to make up for this. Haha is this a serious post? No I decided to not see other guys...not anything to do with making up for it, but just because I feel it will be wrong and unfair. Just because he first kissed a girl at 33 doesn't mean he is not seeing other people....there is no really correlation there, esp since he just started online dating...online dating makes getting dates a lot easier than in real life. I suppose he hasn't really called me lately...he doesnt really call me much at all and he is only wanting to see me once a week and no more. I think in this situation, its normal for me to feel a bit insecure. Im trying to stay positive though and just see how it goes
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