Fiancee left me, im devastated

[GreenPolicy]

I haven't done it but it's taking all of my willpower to resist. I am holding out to talk to my therapist tomorrow. My hope is he will help me decide what is best.

 

If you've laid out how you feel and let her know where you stand and what you want, then the best thing to do at that point is NC and let her find out what life without you is like. If you haven't, then you have that card left to play. But if I'm reading the thread right, you did tell her what you want and what you're feeling, so there's not really anything else to do. It is hard surrendering and realizing that the situation is out of your control.

 

The next three months are going to be rough. The next three months after that are going to be a little better, but still rough. I'm at 8.5 months from a breakup under very similar circumstances to yours, and I really did not start feeling like myself until recently. Doesn't mean I'm healed, but I can tell you that things get better. My ex being gone still hurts, but I'm able to self-soothe a lot better.

[brokenheart2012]

If you've laid out how you feel and let her know where you stand and what you want, then the best thing to do at that point is NC and let her find out what life without you is like. If you haven't, then you have that card left to play. But if I'm reading the thread right, you did tell her what you want and what you're feeling, so there's not really anything else to do. It is hard surrendering and realizing that the situation is out of your control.

 

The next three months are going to be rough. The next three months after that are going to be a little better, but still rough. I'm at 8.5 months from a breakup under very similar circumstances to yours, and I really did not start feeling like myself until recently. Doesn't mean I'm healed, but I can tell you that things get better. My ex being gone still hurts, but I'm able to self-soothe a lot better.

 

I have. When I was there last Thursday I told her I would be open to reconciliation. Her response was "Even after the text messages you sent me last night?", referring to the sleep deprived rant from me where I laid out the theory of her leaving me for another guy. But she didn't say if she was interested in it or not, and at one time said "I need to figure out what I want", and left me with "talk to you later".

 

I have no idea if I will see her again. I guess the ball's in her court. It's going to be a sh*tty summer for me the way it looks now.

[GreenPolicy]

I have. When I was there last Thursday I told her I would be open to reconciliation. Her response was "Even after the text messages you sent me last night?", referring to the sleep deprived rant from me where I laid out the theory of her leaving me for another guy. But she didn't say if she was interested in it or not, and at one time said "I need to figure out what I want", and left me with "talk to you later".

 

I have no idea if I will see her again. I guess the ball's in her court. It's going to be a sh*tty summer for me the way it looks now.

 

Yeah you have to go NC now. She's not really giving you any other options. If there's any hope, you have to give her space and let her see if this is what she really wants. If time goes by and she misses you enough to reconcile, you'll hear from her again. If not, you'll heal. So long-term, win-win.

 

I was at the point you are at now last November. I'm not completely out of the woods, and my ex is still on my mind a lot, but it's getting easier.

[brokenheart2012]

Yeah you have to go NC now. She's not really giving you any other options. If there's any hope, you have to give her space and let her see if this is what she really wants. If time goes by and she misses you enough to reconcile, you'll hear from her again. If not, you'll heal. So long-term, win-win.

 

I was at the point you are at now last November. I'm not completely out of the woods, and my ex is still on my mind a lot, but it's getting easier.

 

Were you able to keep the NC the entire time? Was it hard not to give in?

[GreenPolicy]

Were you able to keep the NC the entire time? Was it hard not to give in?

 

Like you I was blindsided. I made two gestures post breakup:

 

- Sent her flowers five days after the breakup. That was ignored.

 

- Wrote her a letter and sent it snail mail USPS two weeks after the breakup. The letter wasn't long, about six paragraphs and a page and a half. I just said I respected her decision if she thought it was best for her, but that I thought what we had together was worth trying to save, and I was willing to do anything to fix things, go to couples counseling, etc. And if she wasn't willing to work with me to save the relationship, then we couldn't be friends and we couldn't stay in touch. That was ignored.

 

Three months later she emailed me during funeral preparations for my grandfather to ask for her bike back. I exchanged a couple of emails with her where only the logistics of arranging the bike transfer was discussed and nothing else. She came by the day after my grandfather's funeral, I loaded the bike into her car, we exchanged pleasantries, did not discuss anything of substance and then I told her goodbye. The whole encounter lasted about four minutes.

 

Before and after the bike transfer I did not text/email/call/IM/seek out her friends and family/show up at her job or apt. Deleted her off of facebook two weeks after the breakup when she set her status to single. Looked at her facebook one last time about six weeks after the breakup, but that was it. So it's been about five months now since the bike transfer. Complete and total NC. It's easy when I realize that breaking NC would lead to greater distress. It's been almost nine months now, so I assume at this point she has a boyfriend. I do not want to break NC and have that assumption confirmed.

[MidnightinMadrid]

Here is something that should help you to stick to NC,whether your therapists helps or not.

 

Have patience,dont push,if it meant to be It WILL,if your destined to be together it will happen. Dont Push,or keep pursuing her.

 

Ever been to a store with a pushy salesclerk? How did that feel?

Well dont be that guy.

 

If you want to get away and clear your head, go to Madrid and fall in love.

[mtd4249]

MidnightinMadrid, you're right .... you can't push these things .... instinctively, when someone leaves we tend to chase them, want to have contact with them and maybe under some circumstances that appropriate. But when that person made a conscious decision to leave, they basically said they want space. When my partner of 16 years walked out 5 months ago because she "needed space", I feel foolish now for sending her flowers, a necklace and a love poem in the early weeks after she left. I sent them as gestures of love .... she told me she saw them as manipulative!

As to going to Madrid and falling in love ... soon there might be a lot of tourists there all looking for love! lol

[brokenheart2012]

Day 5 NC Update -

 

Broke NC today to invite ex to lunch next week. I owe it to myself to give this one more try. I want to hear from her, person to person that she truely wants completely out of our relationship. I am prepared for and expecting the worst.

 

She accepted my invitation, and I will be meeting her next week. No more contact between now and then. Also between now and then, I will put some thought into what I want to say during the meeing.

 

I know this goes against most people's advice from LS. I am looking at this more as an extension of the breakup talk vs. a brand new starting fresh/reconciling talk.

 

If after next week it becomes clear she is truely not interested, I will re-establish NC, and also will feel much better about putting this behind me and moving on with my life before too much time has gone by.

 

The thing that is still haunting me about what she told me last week is "I didn't want this either". Well, weather she did or didn't want it, I want to know for sure, and I want to hear it from her firsthand. That is what I'm hoping for when I see her. I am going to try my best to figure that out, without being pushy in any way.

[GreenPolicy]

Day 5 NC Update -

 

Broke NC today to invite ex to lunch next week. I owe it to myself to give this one more try. I want to hear from her, person to person that she truely wants completely out of our relationship. I am prepared for and expecting the worst.

 

She accepted my invitation, and I will be meeting her next week. No more contact between now and then. Also between now and then, I will put some thought into what I want to say during the meeing.

 

I know this goes against most people's advice from LS. I am looking at this more as an extension of the breakup talk vs. a brand new starting fresh/reconciling talk.

 

If after next week it becomes clear she is truely not interested, I will re-establish NC, and also will feel much better about putting this behind me and moving on with my life before too much time has gone by.

 

The thing that is still haunting me about what she told me last week is "I didn't want this either". Well, weather she did or didn't want it, I want to know for sure, and I want to hear it from her firsthand. That is what I'm hoping for when I see her. I am going to try my best to figure that out, without being pushy in any way.

 

It's not a "bad" idea per se. Only you can decide what is best for you. NC is really for when you're not making any headway on reconciling and you know you have no other choice but to use it as a tool to heal. If you feel like there is hope, then you'll either succeed in getting back together, or she'll extinguish those hopes at your lunch next week.

 

When I sent my ex that letter, I wasn't really optimistic, but I figured I would always wonder "What If" if I hadn't sent it, and I might have been even more tempted to break NC even further down the line after the breakup.

 

I understand for peace of mind you want to be able to tell yourself you did everything you could before you go NC.

[brokenheart2012]

It's not a "bad" idea per se. Only you can decide what is best for you. NC is really for when you're not making any headway on reconciling and you know you have no other choice but to use it as a tool to heal. If you feel like there is hope, then you'll either succeed in getting back together, or she'll extinguish those hopes at your lunch next week.

 

When I sent my ex that letter, I wasn't really optimistic, but I figured I would always wonder "What If" if I hadn't sent it, and I might have been even more tempted to break NC even further down the line after the breakup.

 

I understand for peace of mind you want to be able to tell yourself you did everything you could before you go NC.

 

Yeah, I don't want any "what if's". If she had been more clear last Thursday night it would have made it easier to move on. But all of the conflicting signs and mixed messages. I know seeing her in person it's easier to figure out where she's really coming from. What I need to figure out is how to bring her feelings out, without being pushy. The last thing I want to do is be pushy. I just want to know where she stands for sure. It's possible when I see her she will open up and tell me on her own.

 

Or, maybe just try to re-connect without talking about the past relationship at all....start over fresh type lunch to try to establish something new? IDK. I think it may be too soon for that, and I still would likely come away from the meeting not knowing any more than I do now. I have over a week to think about it and decide.

[GreenPolicy]

Yeah, I don't want any "what if's". If she had been more clear last Thursday night it would have made it easier to move on. But all of the conflicting signs and mixed messages. I know seeing her in person it's easier to figure out where she's really coming from. What I need to figure out is how to bring her feelings out, without being pushy. The last thing I want to do is be pushy. I just want to know where she stands for sure. It's possible when I see her she will open up and tell me on her own.

 

Or, maybe just try to re-connect without talking about the past relationship at all....start over fresh type lunch to try to establish something new? IDK. I think it may be too soon for that, and I still would likely come away from the meeting not knowing any more than I do now. I have over a week to think about it and decide.

 

Just don't get your hopes up.

[brokenheart2012]

Just don't get your hopes up.

 

Thank you and no I won't.

 

And now I'm even starting to debate myself as to weather I should even go in the first place. Any more advice/suggestions are welcome. I will think about this more and decide before next week. If I decide against it I will just send her a quick message to let her know it won't work out to meet that day.

[Graceful]

Thank you and no I won't.

 

And now I'm even starting to debate myself as to weather I should even go in the first place. Any more advice/suggestions are welcome. I will think about this more and decide before next week. If I decide against it I will just send her a quick message to let her know it won't work out to meet that day.

 

Broken,

There's a point where no one here can tell you (or anyone) what to do, especially when there is still so much confusion and mixed emotions on the issue of getting answers. Or a straight answer, anyhow.

 

Some of us will say she knows how to reach you, you haven't told her to never contact you again, you haven't blocked her from communicating with you, so if she wants to get hold of you, she can. Therefore, stay the course and let her take the lead.

 

Some of us will say, sure, meet her for lunch one final time. What harm can come from it? More confusion? Possibly? More clarity? Possibly. Will you leave again with more questions (again) than answers? Possibly. What I am saying here is it's a crap shoot.

 

If you can honestly tell yourself that if she continues to jerk you around when she sees you (wah wah, I'm not sure yet; this isn't what I wanted (but I still don't know what I want) -- wah wah, and you can honestly say you will WALK AWAY, if you have that much clarity and will not allow yourself to accept breadcrumbs or to be strung along, then sure, see her one last time. But if you cannot say that for certain, I'd be very careful about seeing her if I were you.

 

Bottom line. What does "This isn't what I wanted" mean? Here it is:

 

"This" is pain.

"This" is ending up with nothing.

"This" is indecision.

"This" is in terms of I don't want to feel this way, this bad, this guilty, this responsible, etc.

 

"This" does not mean the breakup. She is not saying that she does not want the breakup, she just wants the breakup to FEEL differently and not be as painful. She does not want to feel responsible for it. She does not want to feel she caused it. She also does not want to accept that it's over because "this" is the end, whereas what she really wants is to go back to the way things used to be.

 

"This" is the end, and she wants the beginning again. She wants to feel the way she felt six months ago. She wants to feel good about herself again, the way you made her feel.

 

You see, I am telling you, you made her feel really good about herself --- for a while, until things got serious. That's when the ante went up, and what did she do? Did she "pay up" her share and was she all the way in? Nope. She was not "all in" , now was she?

 

She can't articulate any of this, can she? She feels like crap, but that's part of a breakup, even for the dumper. Grow up.

 

You've got a week to mull it over. Bottom line. Go at your own risk, but go with your gut. If your gut tells you to show up, then so be it. If your gut says to back down, then so be it.

 

No one here can control what's in your gut. Trust yourself. Take care.

[GreenPolicy]

I would not go to lunch with her. Even if you succeed in getting a captive audience with her and convince her to take you back, it is her taking you back, not you taking her back. See the difference? You might succeed in getting her to take you back out of a sense of obligation, pity, whatever...but in a few months time, you're probably going to be right back where you are now.

 

You want a desire to reconcile to come from within her, and for you to be taking her back, not the other way around.

[GreenPolicy]

Broken, this is what helped me with closure in my situation:

 

My ex does not want to be with me anymore. So -

 

1) Either my ex thought long and hard about us and made a very wise decision based on long-term compatibility concerns, and saw something flawed in our relationship before I did, and this is the best thing for both of us, or

 

2) She flaked out and did something irrational based out of fear, anxiety and emotion, and she has intimacy and commitment issues.

 

 

If Scenario 1 is the case, it's the best thing for both of us. If Scenario 2 is the case, it's the best thing for me, because I should not want to be with somebody like that.

[brokenheart2012]

Broken,

There's a point where no one here can tell you (or anyone) what to do, especially when there is still so much confusion and mixed emotions on the issue of getting answers. Or a straight answer, anyhow.

 

Some of us will say she knows how to reach you, you haven't told her to never contact you again, you haven't blocked her from communicating with you, so if she wants to get hold of you, she can. Therefore, stay the course and let her take the lead.

 

Some of us will say, sure, meet her for lunch one final time. What harm can come from it? More confusion? Possibly? More clarity? Possibly. Will you leave again with more questions (again) than answers? Possibly. What I am saying here is it's a crap shoot.

 

If you can honestly tell yourself that if she continues to jerk you around when she sees you (wah wah, I'm not sure yet; this isn't what I wanted (but I still don't know what I want) -- wah wah, and you can honestly say you will WALK AWAY, if you have that much clarity and will not allow yourself to accept breadcrumbs or to be strung along, then sure, see her one last time. But if you cannot say that for certain, I'd be very careful about seeing her if I were you.

 

Bottom line. What does "This isn't what I wanted" mean? Here it is:

 

"This" is pain.

"This" is ending up with nothing.

"This" is indecision.

"This" is in terms of I don't want to feel this way, this bad, this guilty, this responsible, etc.

 

"This" does not mean the breakup. She is not saying that she does not want the breakup, she just wants the breakup to FEEL differently and not be as painful. She does not want to feel responsible for it. She does not want to feel she caused it. She also does not want to accept that it's over because "this" is the end, whereas what she really wants is to go back to the way things used to be.

 

"This" is the end, and she wants the beginning again. She wants to feel the way she felt six months ago. She wants to feel good about herself again, the way you made her feel.

 

You see, I am telling you, you made her feel really good about herself --- for a while, until things got serious. That's when the ante went up, and what did she do? Did she "pay up" her share and was she all the way in? Nope. She was not "all in" , now was she?

 

She can't articulate any of this, can she? She feels like crap, but that's part of a breakup, even for the dumper. Grow up.

 

You've got a week to mull it over. Bottom line. Go at your own risk, but go with your gut. If your gut tells you to show up, then so be it. If your gut says to back down, then so be it.

 

No one here can control what's in your gut. Trust yourself. Take care.

 

 

You're right on so many levels. How can you be so perceptive when it comes to relationships? She even told me at some point near the end, "I liked us better before we were engaged." When I followed up by asking if she wanted to end the engagement she responded with "that's not what I meant"

 

Is there any way to get back to that original feeling that we had before we were engaged?

 

I she wants the beginning again, how to create that? Can it be created? Or is it more likely to be created new with someone else?

[GreenPolicy]

You're right on so many levels. How can you be so perceptive when it comes to relationships? She even told me at some point near the end, "I liked us better before we were engaged." When I followed up by asking if she wanted to end the engagement she responded with "that's not what I meant"

 

Is there any way to get back to that original feeling that we had before we were engaged?

 

I she wants the beginning again, how to create that? Can it be created? Or is it more likely to be created new with someone else?

 

All relationships progress from the honeymoon stage to the power struggle stage. It is impossible to stay in the honeymoon stage forever. When the honeymoon ends, the real relationship starts. When the honeymoon ends, that's when you notice that your partner has flaws and cannot fulfill 100 percent of your needs and desires. She can have a honeymoon again with somebody else, or with you again after you've been apart for a long time. But you're looking for committed love, right? The thing you have to accept when it comes to getting dumped is that bottom line your ex has an approach to life that is incompatible with yours. This is when I realized what "incompatibility" really means. My ex and I had similar values, goals, interests, we got along great. It was a consistently wonderful experience. Even at the very end, things still seemed very well and good on the whole. So "incompatible" to me has nothing to do with the fact that we both said we wanted the same things, got along well, had similar interests, did stuff together, etc. But she thought it was okay to hide her doubts, anxieties and feelings from me, and then spring a breakup when I could not reasonably have anticipated it.

 

There's something called the 80/20 rule. It basically says that at best another person can only fulfill up to 80 percent of your needs. Some people get hung up on the 20 percent they're not getting

[mtd4249]

GreenPolicy -- you're right about some people getting hung up on the 20% they're not getting from the other person in the relationship. From my experience, I'd even go so far as to say that some people expect that in a long-term relationship they will always have pure happiness ... then they get lured by the thought that things might be better with someone else. Maybe ... but maybe it could be worse.

 

So, what is it with our ex's taking us by surprise and blindsiding us? I was taken by surprise after 16 years! Can't these people communicate when they first get something in their heads? Not communicating is the equivalent of being dishonest!

[MidnightinMadrid]

MidnightinMadrid, you're right .... you can't push these things .... instinctively, when someone leaves we tend to chase them, want to have contact with them and maybe under some circumstances that appropriate. But when that person made a conscious decision to leave, they basically said they want space. When my partner of 16 years walked out 5 months ago because she "needed space", I feel foolish now for sending her flowers, a necklace and a love poem in the early weeks after she left. I sent them as gestures of love .... she told me she saw them as manipulative!

As to going to Madrid and falling in love ... soon there might be a lot of tourists there all looking for love! lol

 

 

Interesting you do your best to show your love and caring and ex sees that as manipulative. However if you just ignored her and stay away thats when she'll think you dont care,thats when you get the texts.

I rather go for the second option then you know you walked away with dignity,that itself is priceless.

 

You'll definately find love in Madrid if everyones looking,but first go to Venezia,or Roma:)

[Graceful]

You're right on so many levels. How can you be so perceptive when it comes to relationships? She even told me at some point near the end, "I liked us better before we were engaged." When I followed up by asking if she wanted to end the engagement she responded with "that's not what I meant"

 

You're very welcome.

 

You see how hard a time she had trying to articulate what she meant and what she means? This is a clear sign that she is not self-aware, cannot distinguish what she is feeling or why, and can't own up to the responsibility of what it means to say the words "I love you" and live up to those words.

 

It's very similar to a little girl playing house, you know? She has all the props, she gets to play as long as she wants, but when she's tired of playing house, she can just stop and do something else.

 

That's what you ex wants. She wants to play house, she doesn't want the game to end, she likes pretending to be a grown up, see, because she is just pretending, now isn't she?

 

Is there any way to get back to that original feeling that we had before we were engaged?

 

I she wants the beginning again, how to create that? Can it be created? Or is it more likely to be created new with someone else?

Now, tell me, does it really make sense to you to try to go back and recreate pre-engagement feelings? That was what, 8 months ago? So instead of the engagement bringing you closer, it caused her to pull away, and instead of the relationship evolving, you want it to devolve?

Is that right?

 

So you'd have to stay in a perpetual state of pre-engagement? The minute you move forward, the relationship goes off the cliff, right? Because how else can this be fixed? It can't.

 

She doesn't want the relationship to go back to the beginning, and neither do you. She wants to FEEL the same as she did then, and that's not possible.

 

In healthy loving relationships, the honeymoon never really ends, you know. Couples grow closer through thick and thin, they stick together, they support each other, and they compromise. That is what makes love grow and become even more beautiful.

 

The idea that you are trying to recapture an emotion when you're not even married, you've only known her 19 months is a sad commentary, and you need to ask yourself if you are trying to "stage" and "orchestrate" an emotional awakening now, what's going to happen (again) in the future.

 

You see it coming. The relationship is headed for the edge of a cliff. You can slow it down all you want, but it's never going to turn around entirely. You'll just be living with one eye open waiting.

 

Here are her future wedding vows:

 

Please join hands and repeat after me (first person, while placing ring on proper fingers).

I, Broken's ex GF take BROKEN, as my wedded partner,

to have and NOT to hold from this day forward MAYBE,

ONLY for better or NOT (no way!!) for worse,

ONLY for richer or NOT (No way!!) for poorer,

NOT (absolutely no way!!) in sickness and ONLY in health,

to love MAYBE WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT, and NOT to cherish, till death do us part (wait a minute, wait a minute, that's not what I mean!!)

 

See it coming ...?

Edited June 29, 2011 by Graceful

[GreenPolicy]

 

In healthy loving relationships, the honeymoon never really ends, you know. Couples grow closer through thick and thin, they stick together, they support each other, and they compromise. That is what makes love grow and become even more beautiful.

 

 

Well, my take is that there's an infatuation stage with spiked levels of Oxytocin and that DOES end...for every relationship. But I do agree that for committed couples they find ways to grow together instead of apart.

[brokenheart2012]

You're very welcome.

 

You see how hard a time she had trying to articulate what she meant and what she means? This is a clear sign that she is not self-aware, cannot distinguish what she is feeling or why, and can't own up to the responsibility of what it means to say the words "I love you" and live up to those words.

 

It's very similar to a little girl playing house, you know? She has all the props, she gets to play as long as she wants, but when she's tired of playing house, she can just stop and do something else.

 

That's what you ex wants. She wants to play house, she doesn't want the game to end, she likes pretending to be a grown up, see, because she is just pretending, now isn't she?

 

Now, tell me, does it really make sense to you to try to go back and recreate pre-engagement feelings? That was what, 8 months ago? So instead of the engagement bringing you closer, it caused her to pull away, and instead of the relationship evolving, you want it to devolve?

Is that right?

 

So you'd have to stay in a perpetual state of pre-engagement? The minute you move forward, the relationship goes off the cliff, right? Because how else can this be fixed? It can't.

 

She doesn't want the relationship to go back to the beginning, and neither do you. She wants to FEEL the same as she did then, and that's not possible.

 

In healthy loving relationships, the honeymoon never really ends, you know. Couples grow closer through thick and thin, they stick together, they support each other, and they compromise. That is what makes love grow and become even more beautiful.

 

The idea that you are trying to recapture an emotion when you're not even married, you've only known her 19 months is a sad commentary, and you need to ask yourself if you are trying to "stage" and "orchestrate" an emotional awakening now, what's going to happen (again) in the future.

 

You see it coming. The relationship is headed for the edge of a cliff. You can slow it down all you want, but it's never going to turn around entirely. You'll just be living with one eye open waiting.

 

Here are her future wedding vows:

 

Please join hands and repeat after me (first person, while placing ring on proper fingers).

I, Broken's ex GF take BROKEN, as my wedded partner,

to have and NOT to hold from this day forward MAYBE,

ONLY for better or NOT (no way!!) for worse,

ONLY for richer or NOT (No way!!) for poorer,

NOT (absolutely no way!!) in sickness and ONLY in health,

to love MAYBE WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT, and NOT to cherish, till death do us part (wait a minute, wait a minute, that's not what I mean!!)

 

See it coming ...?

 

It is a sad commentary. And I'm feeling very sad now. Why is it that this time round it's so incredibly difficult for me to accept? The relationship has only been 19 months, and no marriage. But for some reason I feel worse about this one than I felt when my marriage fell apart.

 

Could part of it be the degree to which we were in love before everything went south? This relationship was one of the "hottest", sparks flying, type relationships I have been in. I believed all of the incredibly loving things she told me. I believed all of her excitement in our future. I bought into it, and I was excited as well. I have never had someone express themselves so strongly towards me in my life. She told me I was THE one for her, she was incredibly in love with me, she couldn't live without me, on and on and on. And all of it disappeared noticably within about 6 weeks time at the end.

 

I agree with Greenpolicy. There's different stages in a relationship. The infatuation or honeymoon stage may have been starting to end for us, and perhaps she couldn't accept that. Some people may prefer to go from one infatuation to the next. Once that stage is done, there should be more deeper growth, and that is the time it seemed like she started pulling away.

[GreenPolicy]

It is a sad commentary. And I'm feeling very sad now. Why is it that this time round it's so incredibly difficult for me to accept? The relationship has only been 19 months, and no marriage. But for some reason I feel worse about this one than I felt when my marriage fell apart.

 

Could part of it be the degree to which we were in love before everything went south? This relationship was one of the "hottest", sparks flying, type relationships I have been in. I believed all of the incredibly loving things she told me. I believed all of her excitement in our future. I bought into it, and I was excited as well. I have never had someone express themselves so strongly towards me in my life. She told me I was THE one for her, she was incredibly in love with me, she couldn't live without me, on and on and on. And all of it disappeared noticably within about 6 weeks time at the end.

 

I agree with Greenpolicy. There's different stages in a relationship. The infatuation or honeymoon stage may have been starting to end for us, and perhaps she couldn't accept that. Some people may prefer to go from one infatuation to the next. Once that stage is done, there should be more deeper growth, and that is the time it seemed like she started pulling away.

 

There's a quote I like - Relationships that begin in passion's raging fire often end in the coldest ashes.

 

My ex came on very strong as well, talking marriage and all that. My ex also said all that stuff about how much she loved me, how I was The One, how different I was from all the other men she'd dated, she even told her parents this stuff. I don't think she was "faking" because then she would have been conning her parents as well. I think that ultimately it's like Graceful says, people like our exes have a limited capacity to love and feel and when the infatuation/honeymoon stage ends, they perceive it as relationship failure.

 

And the reason I think you're having a harder time with this than your marriage is that with your marriage, you probably experienced a lot of ups and downs and the relationship had deteriorated for some time. With your recent ex, you only got the honeymoon. Things were still very good on the whole when she began withdrawing.

[Graceful]

Infatuation can last a lifetime. It isn't dependent on a being at the beginning of a relationship.

 

Deep committed love will last, and make you giddy forever. I don't subscribe to the idea that feelings fade -- they ebb and flow, they change, evolve, there are chapters to relationships, children, hardship, life happens -- all along the way, two people who love each other deal with it all, they don't bail the minute they don't feel butterflies in their stomach.

 

They feel something BETTER. Love is like fine wine, it gets better with age. That takes MATURITY.

 

So I don't agree that there is a honeymoon phase that ends, it ends for some people, but not for all.

 

Could have been red flags all along when she came on that strong. Sounds manic to me. Would scare the crap out of me if someone came on that strong. You took what were her insecurities and made them into love. The insecurities came back, though, after the engagement. What does that tell you?

 

As for you? You're tired of dating, looking, waiting to find the right person, you feel defeated, betrayed, lied to, disappointed, and all the rest. That's why you need to be in therapy, and face that you're in a mid-life crisis along with the breakup and get your bearings.

 

Lots and lots of people find a breakup worse than a divorce because once you've married someone and lived the life, you see that it didn't work and you're resolved. In a case like this with your ex, you never got to find out if it would have worked, you just wanted it to, so you're not even close to being resolved.

 

I honestly think this ship has sailed, but if you feel it in your gut, have lunch with her next week and go prepared to ask the questions you want answered. Just don't expect straight answers. Go with very low expectations so you won't end up more hurt than you are now.

Best of luck.

 

 

It is a sad commentary. And I'm feeling very sad now. Why is it that this time round it's so incredibly difficult for me to accept? The relationship has only been 19 months, and no marriage. But for some reason I feel worse about this one than I felt when my marriage fell apart.

 

Could part of it be the degree to which we were in love before everything went south? This relationship was one of the "hottest", sparks flying, type relationships I have been in. I believed all of the incredibly loving things she told me. I believed all of her excitement in our future. I bought into it, and I was excited as well. I have never had someone express themselves so strongly towards me in my life. She told me I was THE one for her, she was incredibly in love with me, she couldn't live without me, on and on and on. And all of it disappeared noticably within about 6 weeks time at the end.

 

I agree with Greenpolicy. There's different stages in a relationship. The infatuation or honeymoon stage may have been starting to end for us, and perhaps she couldn't accept that. Some people may prefer to go from one infatuation to the next. Once that stage is done, there should be more deeper growth, and that is the time it seemed like she started pulling away.

[brokenheart2012]

This is torture. I feel like I'm living in hell right now.