Fiancee left me, im devastated

[Eddie Edirol]

Broken if you want things to go back to pre-engagement, you have to not need her. You also have to look at her like everything she is telling you is lipservice. Like she was doing early in your relationship. Look at her like whatever reason she tells you is a bad coverup for the real reason she dumped you. Look at her closely, she will be fishing for words to make new lies, new reasons, anything but the real reason.

 

Im telling you, if she lived 1.5 hours away from you, she started dating someone new. Especially if she doesnt look you in the eyes. I wouldnt be surprised if the tears are forced to make it look good. Graceful has great points, she loved the way you made her feel, she loved being treated well, and loved the idea about bieng in love, but wasnt in love with who you are as a person. Sounds more like a rebound situation to me than a commitment phobe. You cant emotionally commit to someone you arent fully into. Youre really lucky that you didnt go through with the marriage.

 

You wanna make her look at you like in the beginning? Be a different person. You dont really need her. Be successful, confident, act like everything is going fantastic, but dont tell her any details, she doesnt deserve them. Youre happier without her, in fact, things got better when she left. You can try to pry as to what the reasons are, but she will never tell you the real reasons, she'll just make up other ones.

 

Problem is, once you dump someone, you dont really look back. Especially if you found someone new, so dont expect anything good. Expect her to lie, make up reasons, and try to avoid talking about the breakup.

[brokenheart2012]

Broken if you want things to go back to pre-engagement, you have to not need her. You also have to look at her like everything she is telling you is lipservice. Like she was doing early in your relationship. Look at her like whatever reason she tells you is a bad coverup for the real reason she dumped you. Look at her closely, she will be fishing for words to make new lies, new reasons, anything but the real reason.

 

Im telling you, if she lived 1.5 hours away from you, she started dating someone new. Especially if she doesnt look you in the eyes. I wouldnt be surprised if the tears are forced to make it look good. Graceful has great points, she loved the way you made her feel, she loved being treated well, and loved the idea about bieng in love, but wasnt in love with who you are as a person. Sounds more like a rebound situation to me than a commitment phobe. You cant emotionally commit to someone you arent fully into. Youre really lucky that you didnt go through with the marriage.

 

You wanna make her look at you like in the beginning? Be a different person. You dont really need her. Be successful, confident, act like everything is going fantastic, but dont tell her any details, she doesnt deserve them. Youre happier without her, in fact, things got better when she left. You can try to pry as to what the reasons are, but she will never tell you the real reasons, she'll just make up other ones.

 

Problem is, once you dump someone, you dont really look back. Especially if you found someone new, so dont expect anything good. Expect her to lie, make up reasons, and try to avoid talking about the breakup.

 

When I was there Thursday she was trying to avoid looking at me. I finally asked are you going to look at me? As soon as she did look at me, she broke down, and it wasn't a few sobs. It was an outpouring of sadness and emotion. She was bawling, grabbing onto me, saying she was sorry, missed me, loves me, saying that she's not seeing anyone else and the other items I mentioned before.

 

Knowing that, is it just even SLIGHTLY possible that she's regretting it, and wondering if she made a huge mistake??? If I get in front of her one more time, eye to eye, with two weeks of distance between us and very LC during that time, is there a chance she will open up to me again? She has never ever been cold and unloving towards me in person. I won't get anywhere with letters and/or texts. To see her true emotions I need to be right in front of her.

 

If she lets her guard down in front of me, one more time, it might be game over....she's trying very hard to resist but the long distance makes it easier.

 

I understand everyone's suspicions that it's someone new. I don't think that's what it is. But I will keep my eye out for that possibility just in case.

 

Now, you're right in that I haven't been able to get answers, and she may never tell me the true reason for the breakup, no matter what I say. She doesn't seem to know herself. I know one thing, her parents didn't want her to be with me, and she has a VERY close relationship with them. So that couldn't have helped.

 

I'm not going to press for the why's and what if's. I want to see if I can get that connection back, and if I can, make a plan for the future.

 

Your third paragraph, being a different, confident person, I agree with. If I could pull that off when I do meet with her next week it might help. I've got to try to get into that mindset. My life just became better without her in it (yeah right, it could be but I don't see it that way now). I know she was upset about that already because of her text last week saying "I've been crying for 2 days I can see that's not been a problem for you".

[brokenheart2012]

Hey everyone! Another day of NC. Feeling better than yesterday but still terribly sad.

[Eddie Edirol]

My life just became better without her in it (yeah right, it could be but I don't see it that way now). I know she was upset about that already because of her text last week saying "I've been crying for 2 days I can see that's not been a problem for you".

 

You fake it until you make it.

 

And you dont give her anything until she confesses.

 

But her response was exactly the reaction you were supposed to get. She thinks its not a problem for you, makes her wonder. See how that works?

[brokenheart2012]

You fake it until you make it.

 

And you dont give her anything until she confesses.

 

But her response was exactly the reaction you were supposed to get. She thinks its not a problem for you, makes her wonder. See how that works?

 

Yes, and here's an ego boost for me that may help with that. I already have two women chasing me. Honestly it feels good in contrast to the past 6 weeks with my ex where she was pushing me away and I had to do the chasing. I felt pretty unwanted and my self-esteem was plummeting.

[Eddie Edirol]

Yes, and here's an ego boost for me that may help with that. I already have two women chasing me. Honestly it feels good in contrast to the past 6 weeks with my ex where she was pushing me away and I had to do the chasing. I felt pretty unwanted and my self-esteem was plummeting.

 

Makes it much easier to get over someone when another woman shows great interest in you. You will soon find out how many ways a new lady will treat you better than the ex. You will then wonder why you are so hung up on her. I been there.

[brokenheart2012]

Oh my oh my oh my......Due to my separation anxiety and depression from losing my loved one, I have let my house go to hell. The only thing I have done in the past several weeks? Go up to my bedroom, sleep, watch a little tv, and read. My house is a disaster zone. Laundry everywhere, stacks of letters, papers, mail, everywhere. Dirty dishes in sink, garage in disarray, landscaping looking like a weedgarden. I haven't even done laundry in a LONG time.

 

I didn't plan on this, but a few women have been showing great interest, and now without any real effort by me, I find myself in the situation of having two dates with two different women this weekend. To be honest, I don't feel ready to start dating, but at the same time I didn't want to turn them down. I don't want to sit in my house and live like a hermit. It's a nice change to be on the receiving end of attention, after feeling completely rejected for the past 6 weeks.

 

Tonight and tomorrow morning, I will be thoroughly cleaning, straightening, and restoring my house

so

on the off chance I do finally have company here it doesn't look like the train wreck that it currently is. Getting haircut, and starting to take better care of myself and my home again. I guess that's a step forward.

 

My house has been very lonely. I didn't even really think it mattered anymore. I live in a 3BR house by myself. Too big for just me, and I rarely if ever have had company visit, at least not for quite a while.

 

I am looking forward to at least the possibility of dating someone who lives closer by, who will be interested in spending time here with me. That's cause for a little excitement.

 

Still, underneath that excitement, an aching feeling in my heart.

[GreenPolicy]

Just let the girls know you're only looking to casually date without going into details of your ex. It will be months before you are ready to be in a relationship with someone else. You are still grieving the loss of your ex.

[brokenheart2012]

Well, date number 1 finished. It went fine but not great. I couldn't really get "into it". It was nice not to be sitting around the house, but I couldn't stop thinking about my ex most of the time, and the girl I was with just didn't compare in my mind at the moment. It's not her fault, and it wasn't fair to her. I think I was good company for the most part. I just feel like I'm treading water at best.

 

Even though there was nothing wrong with her, I'm not going to make any effort to meet this girl for a second date. Not fair to her or myself.

[brokenheart2012]

I have another date tonight with a woman who I'm going to see fireworks with. It's terrible, but I'm not even really looking forward to it. The other woman whom I met earlier this weekend is definitely very interested, but it just doesn't feel right. She was definitely making herself "available" for me, but all I feel I can offer her at this time is friendship.

 

I'm stuck. I know it's too soon to be dating, but I don't want to sit at my house and pine away for my ex.

 

I'm still planning on seeing my ex this Wednesday. Two more days. I hope out of that meeting I can get some clarity and closure. Maybe that will help me move on. I have low expectations for the meeting. I know that I could end up just as confused as I am now but I'm hoping that's not the case.

 

I have not contacted nor heard from the ex since about a week ago. I'm fighting the urge to contact her. I want to tell her how much I miss her, and that it's not the same without her. Then I have to catch myself and realize that it would probably do no good.

[brokenheart2012]

Update on my situation:

 

#1. Of the two dates I had lined up, I only went through with the first one. As I mentioned earlier, it just didn't feel right yet and I couldn't get into it. I was comparing her to my ex, which can't be a good sign. At one point during the date I felt like I wanted to cry. That also can't be a good sign. Even

so

, this woman is thrilled with me and she is still chasing me. She was practically begging me to come over for sex tonight. Ugggh...she's nice but I don't think that's the best thing for me right now, is it? I put it off at least for now saying tonight wouldn't work out for us to get together. I'

m

attracted to her enough to have sex with her, but I don't want to hurt more people in this process. I guess if it were a no strings attached type of thing it might be ok? But then if I did reconcile with my ex, how could I look her in the eyes and tell her what happened within two weeks of her breaking up with me? I know I have to concentrate on me and live my life for myself, but it still doesn't feel quite right.

 

#2. My planned lunch meeting with my ex for tomorrow. I did have to e-mail her to confirm a time for lunch (yes, I know the lunch meeting is against many people's VALUED advice). She responded via. text message that tomorrow won't work for lunch now afterall, and asked if it would work on Thursday. I told her that Thursday wouldn't work for me because of work and the only other day I had available would be Friday. She responded that Friday would work for her as well.

So

it's apparent that she is still actually wanting to meet with me and not just agreeing to meet with me because I asked. I texted her that I would see her at the same time for lunch on Friday. She responded with sounds good, and THEN...."I miss talking to you." That made me start crying again. I did NOT respond to that text, even though I wanted to tell her that I not only missed talking to her, but I also missed BEING with her. My last text to her was that I would see her Friday at the same time.

 

Today was a little better than the past holiday weekend. I guess having a woman chasing me and texting me every 5 minutes is a bit of an ego booster, and it also helped occupy my mind and keep me from dwelling on my ex.

 

Finally, I was really hoping to get the meeting over with tomorrow. If I have opportunities with other women......I wouldn't feel nearly as bad if I knew I exhausted all hope with my ex. I know that's probably not the right way of looking at this, but this is a very difficult time for me. Now it still feels as if my life is on hold for another few days, at least until the end of this week.

[keepsmilin74]

It might be better if you hung out with your male friends instead of starting to date already. It doesn't look like you're ready to date and it's not fair on the other women. Also if you happen to reconcile with your ex, these dates will just be extra hurdles you'll have to get over during reconciliation, do you really need the extra hard work?

[brokenheart2012]

Keepsmilin74 yes I think you're right. I'm not ready yet, it's just a very difficult time for me. I have mixed emotions. But I'm going to try to keep the dating on the back burner for now.

[iceweasel6]

That made me start crying again.

 

Dude, if no one here will say it, I will.

 

You need to get a hold of yourself and man up. Your an emotional wreck.

 

If you head into lunch on friday with such emotional pliability your over before it even started. This isn't to be mean, but no woman in their right mind would want to go back into a relationship with a guy who isn't secure and got himself together. It's not going to happen. So if that's what you want to get back together, you have to serious take off the panties and put on a jock strap and be a man, and get your mind in the right frame. Because currently - as a fact, not opinion, in your current state - you all aren't getting back together and she will smell your insecurities like cheap knock off cologne - pungent and malodorous as it is.

[brokenheart2012]

Actually I'm doing better some days than others. I think I can hold it together when I see her. Last time we met, SHE was the one that was the emotional wreck, not me.

 

The "man up" speech is not helpful. I think it's been difficult on both of us, but when I see her I am not going to go begging or groveling. I will get a sense of where she's at and if she doesn't indicate any willingness to reconcile I am moving on with my life.

 

Yes it's difficult but I will get through it.

[iceweasel6]

Actually I'm doing better some days than others. I think I can hold it together when I see her. Last time we met, SHE was the one that was the emotional wreck, not me.

 

The "man up" speech is not helpful. I think it's been difficult on both of us, but when I see her I am not going to go begging or groveling. I will get a sense of where she's at and if she doesn't indicate any willingness to reconcile I am moving on with my life.

 

Yes it's difficult but I will get through it.

 

1. "I think I can hold it together" - I'm sure you probably can (eg: not crying). I'm speaking to your mental mindset. The fact that your crying over a text message lets me know that your not psychologically ready to meet her, in spite of your ability to physically hold it together.

 

2. "man up" - isn't a speech. It's a phrase of deeper meaning. Get a hold of yourself psychologically. Place yourself in a mindset to be able/ready to receive all possible outcomes.

 

3. You will be begging.

 

4. I'll see you on here Saturday explaining how more confused you are.

 

Carry on. It's always good to learn from experience - its the worlds greatest teacher. Next time hopefully you will see that you need more time to formulate your thoughts, carefully think about the relationship. Understand what went wrong and how it can go better in the future.

 

Best of luck.

[brokenheart2012]

1. "I think I can hold it together" - I'm sure you probably can (eg: not crying). I'm speaking to your mental mindset. The fact that your crying over a text message lets me know that your not psychologically ready to meet her, in spite of your ability to physically hold it together.

 

2. "man up" - isn't a speech. It's a phrase of deeper meaning. Get a hold of yourself psychologically. Place yourself in a mindset to be able/ready to receive all possible outcomes.

 

3. You will be begging.

 

4. I'll see you on here Saturday explaining how more confused you are.

 

Carry on. It's always good to learn from experience - its the worlds greatest teacher. Next time hopefully you will see that you need more time to formulate your thoughts, carefully think about the relationship. Understand what went wrong and how it can go better in the future.

 

Best of luck.

 

3. No, I refuse to beg.

 

4. I admit that's possible. But I'm hoping it will help me in putting this behind me.

[GreenPolicy]

3. No, I refuse to beg.

 

4. I admit that's possible. But I'm hoping it will help me in putting this behind me.

 

The more they "explain" the more you have to spin your wheels over, it's that much more material to obsess and overanalyze. "Well, what did it mean when she said this?" She can give you more reasons for why she dumped you, but it will drive you crazy, especially if she tries to rewrite the history of the relationship and makes claims that are clearly at odds with what you experienced to be true in the relationship, like if she says something like "Well, we weren't getting along and were fighting all the time" when you weren't.

[keepsmilin74]

Not sure if you feel it yet but reading your thread I think you are progressing and not hung up on why why why like some. Have you read some of the GIGS (grass is greener) threads? You're doing very well so give yourself a break. This time is not about your ex, not about finding other women, it's about rebuilding YOU. Be nice to yourself! Allow yourself to ENJOY your hobbies, join a gym, learn moroccan or whatever cooking, catch up on movies, some things like that. Wishing you calm and peacefulness at this stage

[brokenheart2012]

Update: Reconciled. Both of us agreed to take it very slowly. More details to come in a post tonight.

[ON MY OWN]

Update: Reconciled. Both of us agreed to take it very slowly. More details to come in a post tonight.

 

Glad to hear. Slow is definitely going to work in your favor. The best of luck to you and really hope things work out for the 2 of you.

[brokenheart2012]

Ok. So lunch started off quite awkward, which we both admitted. At some point she asked if I had dated anyone else. I told her yes that I had one date but it didn't go anywhere. She started crying at the restraunt. It wasn't going well. We didn't finish our lunches as neither of us were in the mood to eat. I suggested we get out of there and go to a park for a walk. That's when the more serious talk started.

 

She asked why I came. I said I wasn't sure and that I would have been prepared to come eat lunch and then go home and be done with it. I finally acknowledged that something in her response and actions when we exchanged our stuff led me to think this wasn't really what she wanted. I asked her why she accepted and she basically said the same thing, she didn't know for sure.

 

She asked me what I wanted. I told her that I would go on either way and would survive, but if she wanted to know what I really wanted that I would PREFER to be with her, start all over from scratch, and take it VERY slowly. She started out iffy in her response, but I DIDN'T push her. I only told her my preference, and then made it clear that I would go on with life either way.

 

I told her I was improving myself and seeing a therapist. She seemed impressed by that. We talked about the clinger/avoider dynamic and our roles in the destruction of the relationship. She told me she loved me, and that she missed me.

 

Toward the end, she asked me if I was sure this is what I wanted, and I said yes. I repeated the same question to her, and she said YES. Again, I didn't beg or push her, I only stated my preference and let the conversation flow from there.

 

We both agreed to go very slowly, and both acknowledged that we rushed too fast originally. I am NOT going to dive into this headfirst and I'm looking at this as a first step. I am going to make sure she is doing the work to come back to me since she was the one who left originally.

 

As a matter of fact I hadn't seen her in a few weeks and probably won't see her again for a few weeks due to both of our busy schedules, and our desire to take it slowly. Hopefully this will help us continue to think things through.

 

I again acknowledged my part in the 6 week demise of our relationship. I had become a "clinger" and I was pushing and pushing and then some. I told her I knew that I handled that completely wrong, but I knew that those are only words and I can only demonstrate by action.

 

She acknowledged her failure to open up and communicate as well as she should have, again all related to the avoider dynamic. I think we both understand this is what was going on and played a large role.

 

She has already texted me since I left her house. I was with her for a few hours. We kissed and embraced and just tried to start the healing process.

 

I know this will be an uphill battle. I'm under no illusions that there will be a magic return to the "glory days" We talked about no going backwards, only starting new, from scratch, and going slowly.

 

One of her texts to me on the way home "I want a better relationship with YOU!", when I told her no more pushing, she texted me "It feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders."

 

I'm not sure how all this will end up, but I'm going to try my best to become a source of safety to her, and to give up all of the pushing I did in the weeks leading up to the breakup. I'm working on developing my own outside interests as that was part of the problem when both of our lives became TOO revolved around each other.

 

Finally, she said she didn't know what to do, that she had never reconcilled a relationship before. I told her I didn't think there were any set rules on how it's supposed to work. She asked me the same question, and I told her the same thing. I have NEVER reconcilled a relationship before. New territory for both of us.

 

Are there any suggestions for the best way forward here? I know the main thing is to be supportive, but not push. Just because we both agreed doesn't mean that clinger/pursuer dynamic can magically disappear overnight. She took a step forward, but it's only the first step.

 

Any comments and helpful advice is appreciated.

 

Thanks.

[Graceful]

Hola Broken,

 

Thank you for the update and checking in. Sounds like you had a big, emotional day.

 

The main suggestion I have is to get into couples counselling. This might mean a few sessions, just to help the two of you figure out the "how" of reconciling, and to establish some guidelines, boundaries, steps, goals, etc., to set you on the right path. If you want this to work, you cannot do it by magic. You got yourselves into this mess alone, so you're not going to get out of it alone. You need counselling together.

 

You don't "sound" exuberantly happy. Relieved, maybe, but not happy. And that's just as well. There's really nothing to be happy about just yet, because you can't let your guard down and you can't be happy when your guard is up.

 

Frankly, I think you did too much of the talking. She broke up with you, so why were you the one explaining everything? Why was she asking all the questions? It should have been the other way around. This woman just will not put herself on the line, will she? She was not behaving like a sorry, contrite, regretful dumper, IMHO.

 

It's impossible to tell if you are taking on too much of the blame for the demise of the relationship, b/c that's the way it sounds. And your ex is letting you take that blame for the most part, and does not seem to be owning up to her role in the demise as much as she should. All the time she spent criticizing you, making you feel bad, complaining about your relationship with one of her kids, etc., she didn't handle any of that well, and only made you feel more defeated and desperate.

 

Decide how and when to tell her you think CC would be a good idea, and see how she reacts. This is a two-way street, two-way communication, and if you are going to succeed, you have to "learn" to communicate effectively with each other, or you wil find yourself back on the curb.

 

Don't let her fear of losing you be confused with really wanting to be with you. There's a big diff you know. Just be cautiously optimistic, because the jury is far from out on this one. Take care.

[keepsmilin74]

Congrats on your first steps together! Goodluck

[brokenheart2012]

Hola Broken,

 

Thank you for the update and checking in. Sounds like you had a big, emotional day.

 

The main suggestion I have is to get into couples counselling. This might mean a few sessions, just to help the two of you figure out the "how" of reconciling, and to establish some guidelines, boundaries, steps, goals, etc., to set you on the right path. If you want this to work, you cannot do it by magic. You got yourselves into this mess alone, so you're not going to get out of it alone. You need counselling together.

 

You don't "sound" exuberantly happy. Relieved, maybe, but not happy. And that's just as well. There's really nothing to be happy about just yet, because you can't let your guard down and you can't be happy when your guard is up.

 

Frankly, I think you did too much of the talking. She broke up with you, so why were you the one explaining everything? Why was she asking all the questions? It should have been the other way around. This woman just will not put herself on the line, will she? She was not behaving like a sorry, contrite, regretful dumper, IMHO.

 

It's impossible to tell if you are taking on too much of the blame for the demise of the relationship, b/c that's the way it sounds. And your ex is letting you take that blame for the most part, and does not seem to be owning up to her role in the demise as much as she should. All the time she spent criticizing you, making you feel bad, complaining about your relationship with one of her kids, etc., she didn't handle any of that well, and only made you feel more defeated and desperate.

 

Decide how and when to tell her you think CC would be a good idea, and see how she reacts. This is a two-way street, two-way communication, and if you are going to succeed, you have to "learn" to communicate effectively with each other, or you wil find yourself back on the curb.

 

Don't let her fear of losing you be confused with really wanting to be with you. There's a big diff you know. Just be cautiously optimistic, because the jury is far from out on this one. Take care.

 

 

Thanks for sharing your advice. CC is a good suggestion and in a few weeks my hope is that we can talk more about that. I agree the jury is far from out. I went into the meeting with very low expectations, and I think she could sense that. I really do think that she was hoping to reconcile from the meeting also. You're right in that it would have been nice for her to lead in that effort more than she did. She did contribute and she did accept some responsibility, and she did apologize several times when we spoke.

 

The LC clearly did have an effect even if it only lasted for a few weeks. It was very apparent that she missed talking to me and felt that what she had with me was slipping away from her. My take it or leave it attitude, and even telling her that I had a date may have helped her realize that I wasn't going to wait around forever for her indecisiveness.

 

Already tonight she has been texting me and showing way more initiative in her messages than she was in during her "withdraw" period in the weeks leading up to the breakup. I think that's a good sign.

 

I am going to keep it together, and refuse to do more than 50% this time around. In fact she should be coming to me since she dumped me originally. I think that's already starting to happen now.

 

Like you said, time will tell. I'm going to go slowly and very cautiously on this one.