Fixing out marriage, what books to read?

[wezol]

Well....quit a lot has happened in the last week or so.

 

She, again, came begging for one last chance, that she now knew what she wanted, and that was me and our marriage. She said she would do WHATEVER and ANYTHING it took to try and make this work.

 

At the time, the situation had changed, so I adapted and gave a new plan to which she agreed. We would finish splitting our assets and since I had already put the down payment on the house and first months rent, I would move out. My reasoning for not backing out of the rental agreement was, if it didn't work out, then I would already have a place, which is really hard to find one that I need in a college town this time of year.

 

We would take it slow, start "dating" and just get to know each other again. We would go to counseling, and after 6 months we would "evaluate" the situation and either continue with counseling separated, move back in together and continue counseling, or call it quits. Reason I chose 6 months, was because I felt that is about a minimum about of time to tell if there a real change in the both of us and our marriage, or if it was just a "honeymoon phase" type of thing.

 

At the time, one week ago, she ASKED for the book I bought. I said that I had only read the first 5 chapters, and asked if she would read up to that point and we would talk about it, and I would take it and read some more and so forth.

 

In the last week, she has only had "time" to read 10 pages. All the while she has had time to hang out with her friends and do whatever she wants. She graduated college with a high GPA, so she knows how to read...

 

Another thing, about 2 months ago her rings began to get too tight on her finger and it would hurt and swell so she took them off. Not an issue. Yesterday I called her and told her I would take them to get re-sized so she could wear them again. She declined...

 

This whole time from the get go, my ring hasn't come off my finger...

 

She has shown little to no effort to back up here words. I feel I am in this fight alone, which was what burnt me out to begin with over the last year. It's the same pattern.

 

Also, I set up a date for us last night that she canceled yesterday morning. She had promised her girl friend that she would haul her horse to an arena for her since she doesn't have a trailer, and had forgotten that when she said she would go out to eat with me. That...I do understand, you have to keep to your obligations. What I DIDN'T find out until this morning, was that her friend ended up canceling on her, and instead of calling me up to ask if I still wanted that date, she just stayed home and didn't bother telling me.

 

She still doesn't text or call me just to say hi or good morning/good night, it's all me doing that....she still doesn't take any initiative.

 

I told her this,

 

"When I see and hear about what you are doing, it hurts me. You hang out with other guys and girls until the wee hours of the morning that you barely know, while I'm gone....all the while without your rings. You haven't read the book, and you continue to hang out with the same guys, without your rings on. You are putting yourself in precarious situations, you're making vulnerable and you know it, maybe that's what you want. You keep heading down that path and eventually something is going to happen, but you also know that. You know in your heart what is right, and what is wrong. I love you more than anything but I don't feel you are in it, I'm not seeing it."

 

I can't let this go on any longer. When I'm done I'm done, and when I'm in it, I'm in it 100%. She's not reciprocating. What I see is that she wants to live a little bit of the single life and be independent, but still be married. I will not be strung along...

 

You know, after I see her (we went on our "first" date Sunday), I don't truly feel happy anymore. When I think about living on my own and having the chance to deal with my own personal issues, I begin to feel better. That's not a good feeling for a married man.

I'm glad I kept the house...

 

I don't feel it's fair to bash her like this, as I've not been the greatest husband, and some of the things I've said to her would upset many here, as well as my own mother. But I've always loved her unconditionally, and always let her know. I was always there for her when she needed me, no questions asked. I did my best to be the man of the house, working 50-60 hrs a week while going to school full time to make sure we had money to SPARE (she works too). She should of never had any doubt in her mind that I loved her, I always tried to show it with affection/emotion and doing things for her as best I knew how.

 

 

A side note, I DO NOT think she has cheated....YET. But it would of been inevitable.

 

Thoughts?

Edited June 29, 2011 by wezol

[turnera]

Sounds to me like she was begging you to stay together, so she wouldn't have to live on her own. Your money looked good.

 

Now that you didn't give it to her, she has no need for you.