wezol Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 (edited) Those of you who followed my thread "no affection from wife", we had decided on divorce, more so on my end. Last night she begged to talk to me (she hasn't begged for anything from me in so long), when we met she broke down and told me how much she knew she screwed up and wish she would of treated me better. Long story short of it, she convinced me for the first time in over a year that she was truly sorry, and she begged to go to counseling and read a book. So, for now, im going to stay where I am living, and we will begin with the books and take it slow. If things seem to progress, I will move back in and we will go to counseling. She asked what it was she could of done more of, and I told her dinner. That Id love to come home and have dinner made every once in a while. I don't care if it's a ham sandwich, it just shows that I'm on her mind and it shows appreciation in my mind. Just an example. Now, I was us to read two books. One on what the emotional needs are for a man and a woman in a marriage. You know, that men actually need admiration and affection and so forth, and same on the womans needs. I want a good understanding what my wife needs from me emotionally. The second one I want on rekindling and spicing up our sex life. What book does anyone here recommend? Did the book seem to help? What did you like/not like about the book? Edited June 22, 2011 by wezol
SoleMate Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 The only 2 marriage books most couples will ever need: His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis
reboot Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Agree. And if later you're looking for a third, Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis
Author wezol Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 Thanks guys. WE will both be going together and buying the first two books today. Have ya'll read them? If so, how did it effect your perception and how did it change things?
GorillaTheater Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 I got a little curious about your story, and just got through skimming your posts. BPD, eh? I may be out of line, but you have your work cut out for you. One of the biggest problems you likely have with her is respecting your boundaries, so I'd definitly reccommend 2 books (that I was going to mention anyways, but even more so now): No More Mr. Nice Guy by Glover, and Hold on to Your N.U.T.s by Levine. There's a website associated with NMMNG that has a forum. A subforum there, "Issues of Marriage", is a GREAT resource with several men dealing with BPD wives. Another good site is "BPDfamily.com"; it also has a forum. Best of luck, man.
turnera Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 The only 2 marriage books most couples will ever need: His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-DavisAgreed. There's also a Love Busters book by Harley that's important.
turnera Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Hold on to Your N.U.T.s by Levine. Awesome book, it teaches you how to focus on your marriage but to ALSO maintain your 'guy time' so that you remain mentally healthy.
Author wezol Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 I got a little curious about your story, and just got through skimming your posts. BPD, eh? I may be out of line, but you have your work cut out for you. One of the biggest problems you likely have with her is respecting your boundaries, so I'd definitly reccommend 2 books (that I was going to mention anyways, but even more so now): No More Mr. Nice Guy by Glover, and Hold on to Your N.U.T.s by Levine. There's a website associated with NMMNG that has a forum. A subforum there, "Issues of Marriage", is a GREAT resource with several men dealing with BPD wives. Another good site is "BPDfamily.com"; it also has a forum. Best of luck, man. Neither one of has BPD...I'm not sure where you read that. I have been diagnosed with PTSD (as much as I hate to throw that word around). I am in IC for that. I'll check those two books out too. I did have a problem with respecting her boundaries I suppose.....but I believe part of it was brought on with craving more and more affection from her. Also, being through what I've been through, I learned to appreciate the little things in life much more, especially affection. Having "our" time apart hasn't been an issue. I have my guy time and she has her girl time, I firmly believe that you need a life outside your marriage, as long is it does NOT come BETWEEN your marriage.
GorillaTheater Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Neither one of has BPD...I'm not sure where you read that. I have been diagnosed with PTSD (as much as I hate to throw that word around). I am in IC for that. I'll check those two books out too. I did have a problem with respecting her boundaries I suppose.....but I believe part of it was brought on with craving more and more affection from her. Also, being through what I've been through, I learned to appreciate the little things in life much more, especially affection. Having "our" time apart hasn't been an issue. I have my guy time and she has her girl time, I firmly believe that you need a life outside your marriage, as long is it does NOT come BETWEEN your marriage. Just a misunderstanding on my part on the BPD. You mentioned back in 2005 that your then-gf had it, and I assumed she was your now-wife. Still, those two books are good.
scaredandalone1223 Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 I don't have any other book suggestions but my main suggestion is going back to the basics....the little things that mean so much. When I'm in the kitchen cooking and my husband hugs me from behind or when I'm walking by and he stops me by gently touching me and giving me a kiss. These little things mean soooo much!! When I get up with home before he leaves for work, even though it is summer and I'm a SAHM, and make his coffee and fix his breakfasts even if it is just a bowl of cereal. When he comes home and I just let him know I'm happy he's home and don't already have a long honey do list ready. When I send him or he sends me a how is your day going text or a text that says something special. The fact that we talk on the phone a minute here or a minute there while he's at work. His call when he leaves the office, almost an hour away, just to say he's on his way home is one of my favorite things. When I pick up a small surprise at the grocery store... I try to have dinner done when he gets home or shortly there after but when I don't and he sits down across from me to chop the onions or peel the garlic means so much. At night when we sit on the couch to watch T.V. and he puts his head in my lap and I rub it or when I lay on his chest with his arm around me. It really is the little things. You don't need a lot of money. As a matter of fact if all my husband ever did was buy me flowers or try to get me new jewelry or the best purses and shoes it wouldn't mean anything. It's the small gestures on a day in day out basis that really show you care. Those little things are what helped bring my husband and I from the brink of divorce to a happy marriage far greater than either of us ever thought possible.
Author wezol Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 I don't have any other book suggestions but my main suggestion is going back to the basics....the little things that mean so much. When I'm in the kitchen cooking and my husband hugs me from behind or when I'm walking by and he stops me by gently touching me and giving me a kiss. These little things mean soooo much!! When I get up with home before he leaves for work, even though it is summer and I'm a SAHM, and make his coffee and fix his breakfasts even if it is just a bowl of cereal. When he comes home and I just let him know I'm happy he's home and don't already have a long honey do list ready. When I send him or he sends me a how is your day going text or a text that says something special. The fact that we talk on the phone a minute here or a minute there while he's at work. His call when he leaves the office, almost an hour away, just to say he's on his way home is one of my favorite things. When I pick up a small surprise at the grocery store... I try to have dinner done when he gets home or shortly there after but when I don't and he sits down across from me to chop the onions or peel the garlic means so much. At night when we sit on the couch to watch T.V. and he puts his head in my lap and I rub it or when I lay on his chest with his arm around me. It really is the little things. You don't need a lot of money. As a matter of fact if all my husband ever did was buy me flowers or try to get me new jewelry or the best purses and shoes it wouldn't mean anything. It's the small gestures on a day in day out basis that really show you care. Those little things are what helped bring my husband and I from the brink of divorce to a happy marriage far greater than either of us ever thought possible. This is what our marriage is missing.....completely. I try/tried to do many of those things, stopping for random kiss or coming from behind and wrapping my arms around her, and she would act annoyed. I always cooked and cleaned 90% of the time after coming home from work, granted, I do somewhat enjoy cooking, but it would mean a lot to me if she just got up and made dinner and served me every once in a while. I've been reading a lot of reviews on the "His Needs, Her Needs" and I'm very confident it will help tremendously.
turnera Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 If you're doing 90% of housekeeping OR cooking, you need to stop. Women grow to HATE their men for taking over the household duties. Sharing in it, fine. Doing it all = weak man = no desire for him. Start holding her accountable. Show her that you won't accept being her servant.
Author wezol Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 If you're doing 90% of housekeeping OR cooking, you need to stop. Women grow to HATE their men for taking over the household duties. Sharing in it, fine. Doing it all = weak man = no desire for him. Start holding her accountable. Show her that you won't accept being her servant. I fail to see how she could think I am a weak man. I work two jobs, one of them on a ranch, go to school full time for my CJ degree, and am in the Military.
Entropy3000 Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 His Needs Her Needs is essential. I found http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/ very helpful for reigniting the fire. I just finished the book that had come out in April.
Entropy3000 Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 I fail to see how she could think I am a weak man. I work two jobs, one of them on a ranch, go to school full time for my CJ degree, and am in the Military. Seems incongruous and counter-intuitive but tis true.
Entropy3000 Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 This is what our marriage is missing.....completely. I try/tried to do many of those things, stopping for random kiss or coming from behind and wrapping my arms around her, and she would act annoyed. I always cooked and cleaned 90% of the time after coming home from work, granted, I do somewhat enjoy cooking, but it would mean a lot to me if she just got up and made dinner and served me every once in a while. I've been reading a lot of reviews on the "His Needs, Her Needs" and I'm very confident it will help tremendously. Yes. -->> http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/ I get no royalties from the site but I have gotten much much more intimacy with my wife.
Entropy3000 Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 I don't have any other book suggestions but my main suggestion is going back to the basics....the little things that mean so much. When I'm in the kitchen cooking and my husband hugs me from behind or when I'm walking by and he stops me by gently touching me and giving me a kiss. These little things mean soooo much!! When I get up with home before he leaves for work, even though it is summer and I'm a SAHM, and make his coffee and fix his breakfasts even if it is just a bowl of cereal. When he comes home and I just let him know I'm happy he's home and don't already have a long honey do list ready. When I send him or he sends me a how is your day going text or a text that says something special. The fact that we talk on the phone a minute here or a minute there while he's at work. His call when he leaves the office, almost an hour away, just to say he's on his way home is one of my favorite things. When I pick up a small surprise at the grocery store... I try to have dinner done when he gets home or shortly there after but when I don't and he sits down across from me to chop the onions or peel the garlic means so much. At night when we sit on the couch to watch T.V. and he puts his head in my lap and I rub it or when I lay on his chest with his arm around me. It really is the little things. You don't need a lot of money. As a matter of fact if all my husband ever did was buy me flowers or try to get me new jewelry or the best purses and shoes it wouldn't mean anything. It's the small gestures on a day in day out basis that really show you care. Those little things are what helped bring my husband and I from the brink of divorce to a happy marriage far greater than either of us ever thought possible. Awesome ... just awesome. I dare say most married men who love their wives crave this type of relationship.
turnera Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 I fail to see how she could think I am a weak man. I work two jobs, one of them on a ranch, go to school full time for my CJ degree, and am in the Military. Takes a bit of psychology learning, but basically, a woman (generalized here) wants the man who knows his place, knows her place, will bend a little but not become the maid for the woman. That's what you have become, no matter WHAT you do on the outside. In your home, you're the hired help, not the passionate, sexy, take-charge man she thought she married. Not the man she thought she had to please, to get to keep. THAT is not what you've become. Now, she takes you for granted, she thinks you won't walk, she thinks she can do whatever she wants, and she doesn't have to keep you happy. Why should she? You do all the work and then sit back and wish and hope that she'll 'treat' you with a little passion. You've become the crumb-scraper, and no woman wants that man. Start making changes in what you expect from her. In how much you do and how much she does. In what you'll accept. Start putting some spontaneity in your life and when you reach for her and she rejects you, get indignant! Start leading.
Author wezol Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 His Needs Her Needs is essential. I found http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/ very helpful for reigniting the fire. I just finished the book that had come out in April. Ran down to the bookstore and picked up a copy about 2 hrs ago. I've read 50 pages already....lol It was the last copy they had.
Author wezol Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 Takes a bit of psychology learning, but basically, a woman (generalized here) wants the man who knows his place, knows her place, will bend a little but not become the maid for the woman. That's what you have become, no matter WHAT you do on the outside. In your home, you're the hired help, not the passionate, sexy, take-charge man she thought she married. Not the man she thought she had to please, to get to keep. THAT is not what you've become. Now, she takes you for granted, she thinks you won't walk, she thinks she can do whatever she wants, and she doesn't have to keep you happy. Why should she? You do all the work and then sit back and wish and hope that she'll 'treat' you with a little passion. You've become the crumb-scraper, and no woman wants that man. Start making changes in what you expect from her. In how much you do and how much she does. In what you'll accept. Start putting some spontaneity in your life and when you reach for her and she rejects you, get indignant! Start leading. I used to be that way....especially when I returned from Afghanistan. But I guess that's a different type of "leading" than what she wanted. So in promising to help, I started helping around the house. Well I like a clean house and she would always put it off, and since I can't relax after work in a messy house, I would clean.... Dammit! I'm that guy.
Cabin Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 The Passionate Marriage by Schnarch... was recommended by my MC. I read it front to back, and it is a great read for bringing quality and passionate sex back to a relationship. A must read.
Author wezol Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 Deal is off now. I told her I would go all in and give 100%, but it would be on a certain set of terms. They were, 1) I move back in no later than July 10th 2) We work our asses off to fix our marriage I guess 2 weeks isn't enough time for her to clear her head. She said she wants to take more time and take it slower. That means I move into a house and she gets a roommate. Under that circumstance, I feel there are too many distractions. I also refuse to work on our marriage when I have to go to my "wife's" house and deal with a roommate. She also told me she just doesn't know what she wants, and that's why she wants time, time to kind of do her own thing. Basically, she wants her cake and to eat it too. I stuck to my guns and said no. Sucks.....but it actually reinforced my thought that this is what's best. I'll keep and continue reading the book, if not for my own benefit.
turnera Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Sorry to hear that. But reading the book will ensure that your next wife will be one lucky lady.
Afishwithabike Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 I don't have any other book suggestions but my main suggestion is going back to the basics....the little things that mean so much. When I'm in the kitchen cooking and my husband hugs me from behind or when I'm walking by and he stops me by gently touching me and giving me a kiss. These little things mean soooo much!! When I get up with home before he leaves for work, even though it is summer and I'm a SAHM, and make his coffee and fix his breakfasts even if it is just a bowl of cereal. When he comes home and I just let him know I'm happy he's home and don't already have a long honey do list ready. When I send him or he sends me a how is your day going text or a text that says something special. The fact that we talk on the phone a minute here or a minute there while he's at work. His call when he leaves the office, almost an hour away, just to say he's on his way home is one of my favorite things. When I pick up a small surprise at the grocery store... I try to have dinner done when he gets home or shortly there after but when I don't and he sits down across from me to chop the onions or peel the garlic means so much. At night when we sit on the couch to watch T.V. and he puts his head in my lap and I rub it or when I lay on his chest with his arm around me. It really is the little things. You don't need a lot of money. As a matter of fact if all my husband ever did was buy me flowers or try to get me new jewelry or the best purses and shoes it wouldn't mean anything. It's the small gestures on a day in day out basis that really show you care. Those little things are what helped bring my husband and I from the brink of divorce to a happy marriage far greater than either of us ever thought possible. Great post! Little every day thougtful gestures mean a lot more than the occasional grand gesture.
quankanne Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 something that help me reevaluate my marriage was The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. While it didn't solve all the problems I though we faced, it help ME understand that just because my husband didn't do certain things, it didn't mean he didn't love me. And that's been priceless ...
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