azrachel Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Here's a question for the other girls out there. I recently started seeing a guy who has so far been really great. He's intelligent, funny, good looking, has common interests, etc. After a few dates, I asked him about past relationships, and he clammed up and didn't want to talk about it. Red flag. Anyway, it turns out the reason he was sheepish was because he didn't have any past relationships to talk about. Here's a great, 26 year old guy who seems like a perfect catch in every way, yet who has never had a relationship, never kissed, and is of course, a virgin. His reasons for his lack of relationship experience seem somewhat valid, ranging from being home schooled during his teens and commuting to university causing a lack of social contact, not being into the bar/club scene, and being overly shy. I'm a somewhat shy girl myself, and can kind of understand some of the things he said, but it still seems quite strange to me to be 26 and never had a relationship. I'm not sure he's even really tried. He also has very few platonic friends. And no, I really don't think he's gay. From our previous dates, I would never have thought any of this. He certainly didn't come off overly shy or a loser in any way. Again, he seems great and I really like him, but I'm not sure I can get past this. What do you think?
Rinnix Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Id be more than happy to take a guy without past relationship baggage. Why are so many people seeing this as a deal breaker? There is nobody to be jealous of, and being someone's first is always endearing.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 There's been a rash of threads about late bloomers lately, a lot of guys in their mid-20s who've never been in a relationship or had sex. Something weird was happening between about 1986 and 2004, when those guys were growing up. I wonder what it was. The only thing I can think of is that it was a very Republican-dominated time.
cerridwen Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Is there an echo in here? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t282992/
TaraMaiden Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Just a heads-up: I hate being referred to as a 'girl'...I'm a 54 year old woman for goodness' sake..... Does that make me exempt from answering....? It's like guys are always saying, "I met this girl..." or "I think this girl likes me"....or again, "What do u think this girl meant....?" How many times do you hear women saying - "I met this boy..." or "I think this boy likes me"....or again, "What do u think this boy meant....?" Unless, of course, they ARE talking about a boy.....! Ok, I'm done.
utterer of lies Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Something weird was happening between about 1986 and 2004, when those guys were growing up. I wonder what it was. They spent their youth on video games.
SJC2008 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Red Flag? Guess hes nuts or a loser, heaven forbid someone being shy , try to overcome it and NOT capitals on purpose be judged for it. Women (not all) pre-screen the ever loving sh*t out of men, and are so good at it they wind up with someone who wont marry them or have kids with them, or treat them like crap, and then moan about it on this board. But hey, those men had EXPERIENCE so there was no red flag right?. Guess Im a red flag too azrachel, been shy my whole life around the ladies so I'll either die alone or meet a woman that I'm not a red flag to. There are more people than you think in their mid 20's and early 30's with minimal or no R exp, it's called being shy. It's a curse but until you have walked in a shy persons or anyone elses shoes "thou shalt not judge". But I forgot, we live in the US, thats all we do is judge.
welikeincrowds Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 How many times do you hear women saying - "I met this boy..." or "I think this boy likes me"....or again, "What do u think this boy meant....?" You know, I've heard grown women talk this way. But it's true that there's no feminine analogue for the word "guy". You're stuck evaluating a woman's maturity in figuring out how to refer to her, whereas the word "guy" has more to do with one's level of familiarity.
SJC2008 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Yes it is strange and we are in the minority in society. But if you say he's nice, good looking, and you have common interests, why can't you get past it????? Let me tell you like a reply to another post earlier. Whether a person has had 1 or 10 bf's/g'fs, they are who they are and will probably not change. Meaning a control freak will alway be a control freak, a communicator will always be a communicator,etc... Prior R's or lack thereof WILL not change that. And with all due respect, why are you asking for peoples advice if you have EXPERIENCE? shouldn't you already know oh experienced one? If you're willing to dump a potentially great guy for lack of e then you're just to judgemental and should find someone as judgemental as you but they'll proably "red flag" you early on and dump you lol!
bac Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 (edited) I did not get what was your problem with the guy. If he has any problem, you might go with flow and you will see what is his problem. There is no real problem with being a virgin for a male but there are a bunch of problems to be a man-slut. You can find a man-slut easily/everywhere but it is almost impossible to find a good guy who wants a serious R. For men, no special skills are needed for making love. It is much better with a man who has less experience unless you are an young sexually cold woman. It is better because an unexperienced man has a lot of emotions with his first experiences. Men with a lot of experiences do not have emotions at all and they see you as an object. Edited June 17, 2011 by bac
kooki Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Oh please. I say keep dating him! Red flag? You don't know what red flags are!!! Granted, someone who has no relationship experience may be green in that they don't know how to communicate with a partner, etc. But, I say, give him a chance!!!! He may be a diamond. Don't throw away potential so early on and judge too quick in this case.
WhisperinnWinds Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 There are downsides to someone not having a relationship past and someone having a past. With someone who has no experience, you risk having to 'tame' them - to show them that you can't be selfish in a relationship, it's not like it is on T.V. with constant hormone floods, etc. On the other hand, some folks are just a natural at being with someone. No one's perfect, of course, but some guys just seem to automatically know what to do to meet a partner's needs. It helps if they saw good marriages growing up, of course. On the other hand, I've dated guys who have past relationships or more past relationships than I do. I have to say, it would be very nice not to have to face those moments of, "You would have really loved (insert ex's name here)!" It is very nice to realize they're still thinking of their ex and not even bothering to hide the fact that they're comparing you - or deciding that because they looooved the ex, you will also! Really, there are upsides and downsides to both, and I say you give the guy a chance. The fact that he hasn't had a relationship might really mean nothing - his life circumstances just made it difficult. Or it really could be because he's a serial killer. Either way, if you keep exploring, sooner or later it will become more obvious which answer is true.
rafallus Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Just a heads-up: I hate being referred to as a 'girl'...I'm a 54 year old woman for goodness' sake..... Does that make me exempt from answering....? You're not a target for most single males, so if I were you, I would distance myself from the issue. But it's true that there's no feminine analogue for the word "guy". You're stuck evaluating a woman's maturity in figuring out how to refer to her, whereas the word "guy" has more to do with one's level of familiarity. Hmmm, "gal"? For men, no special skills are needed for making love. Indeed, just enough of well-directed aggressiveness. It's not fixing the car.
Queen Zenobia Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Here's a question for the other girls out there. I recently started seeing a guy who has so far been really great. He's intelligent, funny, good looking, has common interests, etc. After a few dates, I asked him about past relationships, and he clammed up and didn't want to talk about it. Red flag. Anyway, it turns out the reason he was sheepish was because he didn't have any past relationships to talk about. Here's a great, 26 year old guy who seems like a perfect catch in every way, yet who has never had a relationship, never kissed, and is of course, a virgin. His reasons for his lack of relationship experience seem somewhat valid, ranging from being home schooled during his teens and commuting to university causing a lack of social contact, not being into the bar/club scene, and being overly shy. I'm a somewhat shy girl myself, and can kind of understand some of the things he said, but it still seems quite strange to me to be 26 and never had a relationship. I'm not sure he's even really tried. He also has very few platonic friends. And no, I really don't think he's gay. From our previous dates, I would never have thought any of this. He certainly didn't come off overly shy or a loser in any way. Again, he seems great and I really like him, but I'm not sure I can get past this. What do you think? I'm going to say pretty much the same thing I said in the other thread on the exact same subject. Were I single, I'd be hesitant but most likely would date him anyway. I'm not a big fan of putting arbitrary things like experience above my overall happiness. If the guy makes you happy then go for it.
TaraMaiden Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 You're not a target for most single males, so if I were you, I would distance myself from the issue. Actually, I hate to brag, but I get chatted up at least twice a month, and ALWAYS by men younger than me. On one occasion, definitely young enough to be my son! When I pointed this out to him, he said he'd be proud to show me off to his mates....!
somedude81 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 (edited) Just a heads-up: I hate being referred to as a 'girl'...I'm a 54 year old woman for goodness' sake..... Does that make me exempt from answering....? It's like guys are always saying, "I met this girl..." or "I think this girl likes me"....or again, "What do u think this girl meant....?" Pretty much, yes. You're not in the same demographic. When people refer to a somebody as a girl, they are usually talking about somebody under 30. In my case, girls are females aged 18-30. Anybody younger is a kid, and older is a woman. Edited June 17, 2011 by somedude81
rafallus Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Actually, I hate to brag, but I get chatted up at least twice a month, and ALWAYS by men younger than me. On one occasion, definitely young enough to be my son! When I pointed this out to him, he said he'd be proud to show me off to his mates....! Good for you, but somedude described it much more accurately than I did.
Sanman Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 So, he is not that social. If you like him who cares?
krz12 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 They spent their youth on video games. This, and the internet. If you're the kind of guy who was overweight, or had acne, or are an immigrant, or whatever lack of physical comfort you have with your own skin, it's easier to avoid all social interaction than it was 30 years ago. Not to mention the fact that most college kids are boomeranging back to mommy's house.
aj22one Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 This, and the internet. If you're the kind of guy who was overweight, or had acne, or are an immigrant, or whatever lack of physical comfort you have with your own skin, it's easier to avoid all social interaction than it was 30 years ago. Not to mention the fact that most college kids are boomeranging back to mommy's house. Although I went to college, I never left "mommy's house". It doesn't matter though, I'd be a loser with women regardless.
PrettyPoppy Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Being someone in their mid-20's w/o relationship experience is not a big deal in my opinion. Often people are awkward in the college years, maybe a bit stunted socially (home school can do this) because it's enough to just integrate into college/early career living. This being said, if older than 35, for all the 40 yr old virgin charm, I can say first hand (both in a relationship with and terminally single guy-friends) that men without a significant relationship (at least a year, preferably cohabitation) especially if physically appealing, have big hurdles and far more complex baggage that is a challenge to a partner. Usually they have what I term a "Franken Female" ideal. If she is good looking she isn't A quality intelligent or nice or whatev. It's usually an amalgamation of parts of all sorts of women who they have dated. Reality is that they have HUGE intimacy issues and unlike most, who relationship brings this to the fore, they refuse to deal with them and instead operate from a place of projection upon the other party (you) failing to meet the fantasy ideal. Unlike some cute movie thing where just a great woman gives him a chance (aka 40 yr old virgin) this guy would be saying Catherine Keener isn't ambitious enough, has a child from another man, has some sort of mole on her back ...all meaning that she is not good enough. Invention of these Franken Females covers deep insecurity and excuses for rejection. These past rejections, have a great deal of anger underneath. If they were not rejected, they prob sabotaged beforehand. Again, this would not be applicable to a 20 something, that is within a realistic age bracket to not have a history with women. Give him a chance is my call.
somedude81 Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 There's been a rash of threads about late bloomers lately, a lot of guys in their mid-20s who've never been in a relationship or had sex. Something weird was happening between about 1986 and 2004, when those guys were growing up. I wonder what it was. The only thing I can think of is that it was a very Republican-dominated time. I really think the issue is two fold. Boys are not acquiring the needed confidence in their youth to attract girls. Girls now have a princess mentality and are far too picky. The want the absolute best and nothing else is good enough for them. Either they are happily single waiting for Prince Charming to date them, or they'll be his peace on the side hoping he will fall in love with her. Both of those reasons help to explain why I've done so poorly with women my entire life.
denise_xo Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 I think the thread is pretty immature in the first place. There are so many other threads on here where there are actual problems in the relationship. The guy being inexperienced shouldnt be an issue. This thread just shows your lack of relationship experience, naivety and judgemental thinking. Do the guy a favour and break it off with him. He deserves so much better than someone who's going to judge him for his lack of experience. I really don't think it's up to regular LS members to judge who should or shouldn't post about what they perceive as a question they want to share, and whether their 'problems' are 'worthy' of a thread. This forum is open for anyone to post about whatever they experience as an issue. If you don't like it, move on to other threads. OP, I agree with others who say that it's not a red flag. I think the two of you should just keep dating and get to know each other and see how your relationship evolves. I married someone who was a virgin when I met him, and I'd never advocate that as a red flag in itself. However, I think it would be good for the two of you to establish, as you continue in the dating process, whether you have similar views on sexuality. Sometimes (but only sometimes) differences in sexual experience point to essential differences in how sex is perceived. Other times, it's just a string of coincidences and it really means nothing.
PrettyPoppy Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 You sure do jump to conclusions quickly based on a very small sample. So many of you will assume there is a certain cause for it, whether or not it is true and not give him a chance. He may have put his job first, be painfully shy, had bad experiences or it could be something else including being too picky. What so many imply is that if a man doesn't have a significant relationship by a certain age, he should just throw in the towel. No one has been working until 35 so hard they cannot have acquired at least ONE lt (year or more) relationship. If they have, workaholism is a tool to deflect intimacy. You have substantiated my point: too picky, workaholism...do you want to bring up living with parents and/or substance abuse? Again, buffers against connection. Yes, age does matter when translating this data. No, not just a small sample, there are plenty of books written on men/women with intimacy issues and age is used as a barometer, amid other things.
welikeincrowds Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 You mix up cause and effect. It may be true among your friends, but it's not true everywhere. Just because some men have intimacy issues and end up empty handed by 35 does not mean it's the reason most men end up empty handed by 35. There's a thousand reasons including those you listed. A man can not have a relationship with any woman unless she agrees. A man who is nervous or doesn't have charm or charisma is going to have a lot of trouble getting dates and even more trouble getting through first or second dates. A man who is not confident will have a lot of trouble. The number of threads like this show a huge reason many men can't get this confidence. A large number of women refuse to date 25 year olds without experience regardless opf reason. An even larger number won't date 30 and 35 year olds without experience. There's a lot more 35 year olds without experience who want a relationship than women willing to give them a chance. Sadly, being socially akward or nervous in high school and college can make it very difficult to get a relationship later in life. By the time some of these men find the courage to ask a woman out they are 25 or more and they can't get anywhere becuase they are turned down for having no history. It snowballs on them. What is a man who is older without relationship experience to do? Just throw in the towel? It's curious to me that you keep referring to plural "men" when you're obviously deriving from your own experience. Look man, most people (myself included) don't like to admit when they were at fault, for more than one reason. 1) It's just a hard thing to say. 2) It can't be changed. 3) When people make decisions, they usually don't have the foresight to see that it's a mistake, and instead think they're making a rational, "right" choice. All of these combined, accepting that you could have been wrong hurts the ego. If it's a problem that has been going on for some time, the stakes are raised. Sometimes it is clear when people are arguing, that they are in fact defending themselves and their own actions -- protecting their own ego. So, you can GET REALLY MAD at posts on the internet and type until your palms are sweaty; OR, you can take advantage of this community, by accepting that you are unhappy with how your life is, whether because of your actions or the actions of others or both, and by asking for help identifying ways to cope with it. Only one of these choices has the potential to alleviate your misery.
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