Thornton Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 I'm feeling insecure in my relationship and trying to figure out how to address the issue. I initially thought it was because my boyfriend doesn't spend enough time with me or express his emotions very often. But when I look at the situation objectively I realize he's given me gifts, taken me out and paid for me, introduced me to his friends and family, texts me every day, makes an effort to please me sexually, etc. Admittedly he could be a little more considerate and spend more time with me (I've posted before about him spending too much time on his hobbies), but overall he's actually a good guy, and he has agreed to try to cut down his hobbies a little and make more time for me. Yet I still feel insecure. I already had abandonment issues before getting into this relationship. I've been cheated on and dumped several times, don't have a great deal of friends, and generally don't feel that confident about being loveable. Men seem to want me for sex but not for a relationship, so I've developed this paranoia about being used for sex. I have this fear that a guy is just using me; I think if he says he loves me he's lying to con me into sex (I've heard such lies from other men in the past), and he'll eventually leave me, or worse, cheat on me. I don't trust my own judgement when it comes to men - so I mistrust my boyfriend, wonder if he's cheating, and worry that he'll leave me. I should point out that although my boyfriend spends a little too much time on his hobbies, he's never given me any reason to believe he's cheating or lying; this insecurity is all mine. I feel like I love him so much and he doesn't reassure me that he loves me just as much, so I fear he'll leave me and I want to dump him before he can dump me. I feel afraid to love him this much, so I push him away; if he gets upset when I push him away then I know he must care about me. This is of course a stupid thing to do, but I do it to reassure myself because I'm afraid he doesn't love me. I don't know if it's my fault for being insecure and needing reassurance, or his fault for not making me feel loved and secure. Obviously I can't keep on feeling and behaving like this, but I have no idea how to fix things. Does anyone have any helpful advice?
Ruby Slippers Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 I think you need to work on your insecurities, and you might as well do it now. It could be that you are more "into him" that he is into you. If that's true, the relationship probably won't have staying power, unfortunately. But it could also be that your insecurities are putting a damper on things, and if you'd relax and stop being so insecure, you'd get more good energy coming from him to you. You can work on your insecurities yourself, through self-help and so on, but it's generally more efficient and effective to talk to a GOOD therapist. I'd try that route if I were you.
WhisperinnWinds Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 A lot of this was like reading my own history - except with the sex stuff. No one ever really wanted that from me. But I understand feeling insecure and feeling like it's never enough. They're all imperfect people prone to mistakes like the rest - but, as you say, when you look at it objectively, he does give you a good deal of attention. I think it's time for you to start putting your eggs in other baskets. You feel insecure for one because you are trying to control the uncontrollable - you have been hurt and your mind's automatic reaction now is to prevent and control that from happening at all cost. You get stressed out because clearly you can't control your boyfriend's thoughts or actions - which leads you to feel more stressed and insecure. You might also feel insecure because there isn't as much going on in your life. I never hear all that often about women feeling insecure when they have their own hobbies, a job, their own friends, etc. Because their happiness is located among several different paths and not just in their relationships. Do your best to branch out. And truly realize: what is the worst that will happen if your worst fear comes out to be true? What if he is a cheater? Does that really say anything about you? People cheat for all sorts of reasons, and often some of the biggest ones (variety, ego, etc.) have nothing to do with their partners, but with themselves. How long have you two been together? Some insecurity is normal - but if he's continuing to put time and energy into you, I doubt it's just for the sex. There is always someone who will sleep with him without a commitment. Commitments take time and energy.
cerridwen Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 I think you need to work on your insecurities, and you might as well do it now. It could be that you are more "into him" that he is into you. If that's true, the relationship probably won't have staying power, unfortunately. But it could also be that your insecurities are putting a damper on things, and if you'd relax and stop being so insecure, you'd get more good energy coming from him to you. You can work on your insecurities yourself, through self-help and so on, but it's generally more efficient and effective to talk to a GOOD therapist. I'd try that route if I were you. I agree with the suggestion to see a therapist. With a professional, you can delve more deeply and get to the roots of your issues. I had deep insecurities caused by actual (and perceived) abandonment and childhood abuse. Thankfully, therapy has helped me resolve them enough to have healthy, happy relationships. Best to you.
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