TooAccepting32 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 (edited) So the guy I've been seeing for 6-7 months went right back on dating sites immediately after an argument in which he thought we broke up. We're talking he went home, sent a nasty email, and immediately reactivated his accounts and started his search. This despite wanting to pick things back up with me. He was on them all night, and all day the next day even though we spoke throughout the day to reconcile. My friend saw him on there briefly yesterday also. This is the second time that I'm aware of, and the first was not misunderstood as a break up. I may be overreacting, but this damages my trust. I was shocked and hurt that he was just minutes away from turning toward other women. I can't help but wonder how this impulse of his would play out if he went to a bar after an argument, and I'm afraid to stick around to find out. What is the opinion on returning to dating sites when you're seeing someone? I kinda figured it would signal a break up, or seal the deal on one. Edited June 14, 2011 by TooAccepting32
Finch Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 My first thought is it's not a good sign. But I also wonder what made him think you had broken up? Was there yelling, throwing of plates and did it end with one of you saying "I never want to see you again!"? He may have just been angry and worked up, and going back to an online dating site was a way to let of steam, to prove to himself that if things didn't work out he would be able to find someone else. Maybe it was to punish you in some way...a way of saying letting you know that he'd have no problem moving on. The more I think about it, the less of an easy explanation there seems to be. But none of the reasons I can come with seem like good things. It's one thing to be able to break up with someone and then get back on the horse, it's another to keep it saddled up in the barn so it's ready for a quick getaway.
GivenUp0083 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I'm confused....did he think you were broken up? If so, I did the same thing when my girl dumped me. I started browsing, sent out a couple emails. Maybe it was a coping mechanism or attempt to move on faster than I really could. The bottom line: if you dumped him or he thought you did, then at that point he needs to do what's in his own best interests. If that's to start getting over you and meeting someone else will help that, well then I'm sorry but that's just what he's going to do. Maybe you should call him. Tell him you're sorry. Tell him you didn't want to break up and that you care about him, it was just an argument. Work it out. But by letting it sink in further that he believes you are broken up, he'll start moving on and farther away. You should just communicate and be honest.
Author TooAccepting32 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Hey, yea there was some yelling from both ends. It was horrible for both of us. No swearing or throwing of plates. Nothing abusive really, just pain and passion. We were fighting because he's been pushing for more of a commitment from me than he's willing to give in return. I'd like to give it to him but only feel resentment when it can't be reciprocated... it must at least come close. It's felt like a situation of him trying to have his cake and eat it too. We didn't come to an agreement and he terminated the discussion and left. Finch, you articulated it perfectly "It's one thing to be able to break up with someone and then get back on the horse, it's another to keep it saddled up in the barn so it's ready for a quick getaway." It's the horse in the barn that taints the relationship, and not the moving on if it's actually over.
Author TooAccepting32 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 I'm confused....did he think you were broken up? . That's what he said. I'm going to assume it's the truth.
thatone Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 what level of commitment does he want and what level of commitment is he not willing to give?
daphne Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I hear you sister. I don't think you're being insecure to feel mistrust. As the first poster pointed out, none of the explanations are really good. It happened to me, over something really small (no big fight or anything.) I even tried communication. He simply was unable or willing to try to handle it gracefully. He was punishing me, and I let it go. People have disagreements and fights. Depending on what was said, the better part of valor is to disengage, cool off and regroup. You have a more rational discussion later and try to reconnect and see what happened, if you think it's worth it. If someone can't go through the adult steps of sorting things out, what value will they have in a serious long term relationship? You'll be doing all of the work trying to walk on egg shells and cajole them into participating. That does not sound like much fun.
Author TooAccepting32 Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 what level of commitment does he want and what level of commitment is he not willing to give? This guy "loves me" and "I mean so much to him", but he also says he doesn't know what he wants with me right now or in the future. He says he doesn't have an answer to this (ouch) other than "continuing to hang out", and yet from me he wants more than casual. He's called himself my bf off handedly on the phone, but when I meet colleagues he introduces me as a friend. He says I'm at the centre of his universe, but his friends and family don't know about me (no plans for me to meet them, his sister is getting married in the next month, I'm not invited, he has plans with them in the next few weeks, I'm not invited), and he doesn't want to impose any boundaries or labels on the relationship. He knows my friends and family all know about him and how I feel, which is more than on his end, but he wants me to integrate him more into my life, introduce him to everyone (except not my parents), and give him a sense that he has something secure with me. He gets rather angry at me for not providing this, and also gets angry at me for what I need to be able to give him his security. When he wants me to let him in, it's "he loves me" etc. when he wants to keep me out, it's "he doesn't know what he wants" etc. I think this is almost an additional issue.. I will also post as another thread to see what comes up.
Jetsker Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I had a buddy go through a similar situation and he went back to an online dating site. He said he went on partly to see that even with all that was out there he didn't like half them as much as he does you. He admitted to doing it even when the relationship was good and it was just showing him how much he had to lose. Maybe he was trying to rationalize it after when he was talking to me about it but it does make sense. Anyways best of luck with the situation J
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