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First time trying to be in a serious relationship but problems. Wait or pull?

AltoidsCan

By AltoidsCan
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AltoidsCan Member

AltoidsCan

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Hey guys,

 

After many weeks of stress and grief, I have decided to ask the experts on this matter so I can move on to the next stage.

 

I was doing my internship at this company for 8 months and I got to know this girl. Being me, I am a bit shy in front of girls that I find attractive so we really didnt get to talk to each other until I left the company last May. Basically I proposed to her that I like her via text while I was drunk with my intern colleagues and she said she also found me nice and attractive. SCORE! but it really wasn't.

 

After my internship was done, we booked a day to go out for a lunch and everything went really well. Knowing that she had a bf, I was very careful about it but after seeing her, I decided to push. Therefore via text and calls, I have expressed my desire that I want to get to know you better so we can be in a relationship. She told me that her relationship wasnt going well anyway so she broke up. But here is the problem.

 

After she broke up, she said she needed time to move on. (She was in a relationship for 5 years and she wanted to break up because bf's family abused her) She finally came to me but we broke up literally every week since we started going out mostly because she was cheating on me.

 

Last week, I've decided to move on with my life because this crap was not allowing me to do anything else. Thus I called her to break up completely but she said she still wanted to be in a relationship with me but she told me to do whatever I want. (She has a short temper and she says she doesnt chase guys) I gave her a last chance and we have been fine until this weekend again.

 

Her high-school life was pretty bad (She was a rebel) and she told me that the learned so much from it. After she barely got accepted to the university, she decided to change and now she is a full timer at this company I worked for 8 months. Last sunday, she expressed that I was too immature for her (I am 2 years younger than her) and that I remind too much of herself in the past. (She said this was bad) (Honestly, I am genuine and never did anything stupid in my life but she didnt like the fact that I was judging people and I was not humble) I knew I was part of the problem and I suggested that we can work this out as we proceed with our relationship. She said she wanted to break up so we officially broke up (Although we still hold hands and kiss?)

 

This week came along and I realized so much from her that I wanted to change for the sake of myself. I made my own plan so I can grow out of it and told her about my plan. After that, she said "I still care about you too" & "It's always possible that we can be in a relationship." I care about her a lot and love her but I really don't like how indecisive she is about this. (I told her this btw)

 

Sorry for the long msg but I hope someone can intervene to help me out. It's confusing the hell out of me at work and I cannot concentrate.

 

Update: Just to clearly about her past ex experience, her ex is 2 years older than her and he's a blue collar unlike me or her. I've tried to pursue her not to date her ex again because my parents were in the same situation in the same and it was a disaster. (Our family is severely disconnected and my mother was very ill for the past decade)

Edited by AltoidsCan
Professor X Established Member

Professor X

Posted
Posted

we broke up literally every week since we started going out mostly because she was cheating on me.

 

Last week, I've decided to move on with my life

By staying with her.

 

because this crap was not allowing me to do anything else. Thus I called her to break up completely but she said she still wanted to be in a relationship with me but she told me to do whatever I want. (She has a short temper and she says she doesnt chase guys) I gave her a last chance and we have been fine until this weekend again.

 

So let me see if I got things right: You've been/still are (quite confused tbh) in a RS with a woman who's temper is short and is constantly cheating on you.

 

If that's the case than you obviously got some major self esteem issues.

You wanna fix it? Get her out of your life, go NC ASAP and find a therapist that will teach you how to love yourself more.

Enchanted Girl Established Member

Enchanted Girl

Posted
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Find another girl. People do not change ever. She will not be different this time.

 

My ex lied all the entirety of my 5 year relationship with him. When we broke-up, he claimed he was a new man and a totally different person. He'd never lie to a girl again and he'd never abuse her like he abused me. He told me all the reasons why all the things he did to me were bad and said that our break-up had hurt him so much (he became suicidal) that he was a different person now.

 

We occasionally send an e-mail back and forth because I don't like having an ex as an enemy. His new girlfriend found out and demanded he stop speaking to me. He said,"Don't worry. I'll make a new e-mail address and hide our communications from her. Anything I don't want her to find out, she'll never find out. I'll just keep lying to her."

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AltoidsCan Member

AltoidsCan

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By staying with her.

 

 

 

So let me see if I got things right: You've been/still are (quite confused tbh) in a RS with a woman who's temper is short and is constantly cheating on you.

 

If that's the case than you obviously got some major self esteem issues.

You wanna fix it? Get her out of your life, go NC ASAP and find a therapist that will teach you how to love yourself more.

 

Sorry but what is NC?

 

Actually, she cheated on me once. I was a bit pissed when she said she can't cut herself from seeing her bf entirely because she's been dating for five years. Last sun, she mentioned that I pushed her to be in a relationship with it even though she wanted to stay single for a while and find herself. Knowing her, I know that's impossible because she will constantly see me and her ex while she's doing this.

 

Not trying to be rude or anything but what makes you think that I have self esteem issues? I am asking because you're right. I do have some issue in that regards because I used to be very chubby in high school and some guys made fun of me and I didnt like the way I looked. I am now 175lbs with 10% body fat but i still don't like myself.

Enchanted Girl Established Member

Enchanted Girl

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Sorry but what is NC?

 

Actually, she cheated on me once. I was a bit pissed when she said she can't cut herself from seeing her bf entirely because she's been dating for five years. Last sun, she mentioned that I pushed her to be in a relationship with it even though she wanted to stay single for a while and find herself. Knowing her, I know that's impossible because she will constantly see me and her ex while she's doing this.

 

Not trying to be rude or anything but what makes you think that I have self esteem issues? I am asking because you're right. I do have some issue in that regards because I used to be very chubby in high school and some guys made fun of me and I didnt like the way I looked. I am now 175lbs with 10% body fat but i still don't like myself.

 

It means no communication. Basically, cut off all texting, e-mailing, calling, chatting, IMing, facebooking, ANYTHING with her. It helps you think without your emotions getting in the way and get over her faster because every time you talk to her, you'll be reminded of your feelings.

 

And its obvious that you have self-esteem issues. Those are the kind of people that let others treat them like crap like this. If you loved yourself more, you wouldn't put up with her doing this to you and move on. Because shes going to cheat on you and treat you like crap, repeatedly, like I said, no matter what she seems like now.

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AltoidsCan Member

AltoidsCan

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It means no communication. Basically, cut off all texting, e-mailing, calling, chatting, IMing, facebooking, ANYTHING with her. It helps you think without your emotions getting in the way and get over her faster because every time you talk to her, you'll be reminded of your feelings.

 

And its obvious that you have self-esteem issues. Those are the kind of people that let others treat them like crap like this. If you loved yourself more, you wouldn't put up with her doing this to you and move on. Because shes going to cheat on you and treat you like crap, repeatedly, like I said, no matter what she seems like now.

 

Thanks for your clarification. I am planning to cut her our entirely but what would be the best way? My new internship is now quite far away from home and I go back every weekend. Should I do it face-to-face?

 

The most annoying part is that she does know she's attractive and she gets whatever she wants. (guys) I am pretty sure this will not hurt her anyway because she will just pick another one from her pond and move on.

 

This is my first relationship and I wanted someone who I can trust. After she cheated on me, I lost all of that but she wanted to change so I can try to trust her again.

 

Now I know what I need to do, how would you do it?

Enchanted Girl Established Member

Enchanted Girl

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Thanks for your clarification. I am planning to cut her our entirely but what would be the best way? My new internship is now quite far away from home and I go back every weekend. Should I do it face-to-face?

 

The most annoying part is that she does know she's attractive and she gets whatever she wants. (guys) I am pretty sure this will not hurt her anyway because she will just pick another one from her pond and move on.

 

This is my first relationship and I wanted someone who I can trust. After she cheated on me, I lost all of that but she wanted to change so I can try to trust her again.

 

Now I know what I need to do, how would you do it?

 

Tell her there is no chance that the two of you will ever work out and that its over. Tell her not to talk to you and then literally never speak to her again.

 

It takes a lot of self-control. When my ex and I broke-up, I wanted to call him every day for MONTHS, like, had a burning need to, but you need to force yourself to do thing with other people when you have that need and be accountable to people who will give you a hard time when you talk to her.

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AltoidsCan Member

AltoidsCan

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Tell her there is no chance that the two of you will ever work out and that its over. Tell her not to talk to you and then literally never speak to her again.

 

It takes a lot of self-control. When my ex and I broke-up, I wanted to call him every day for MONTHS, like, had a burning need to, but you need to force yourself to do thing with other people when you have that need and be accountable to people who will give you a hard time when you talk to her.

 

Got it. Thanks.

 

Should I do this in person or call?

 

It's extremely sad because I thought we were going to be in a long term relationship. We had lots of things in common. (our personality except a few things, background.. etc) Right now, it's kind of hard to imagine myself without her but I hope time will cure this problem.

 

I was thinking about meeting her this weekend and erase my number off her phone. Because she agitates my mind whenever I decide to break up with her by saying "I still care about u" or whatever.

 

Also, would you try to hurt her in anyway to experience what it feels like to be in my shoes? I've actually talked to her parents (She REALLY hates that btw) to take care of her child in a nice way because I care about her a lot and I want her to be in good shoes.

Professor X Established Member

Professor X

Posted
Posted

Also, would you try to hurt her in anyway to experience what it feels like to be in my shoes?

No, you've already said she will probably just pick a new fish from the pond, so what's the point really? You'll just end up looking like a fool + acting like a kid.

 

As for your question, it might be best to do it via the phone, since you're saying you're a bit weak to her pleads.

 

Good luck man and remember it's for the best.

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AltoidsCan Member

AltoidsCan

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No, you've already said she will probably just pick a new fish from the pond, so what's the point really? You'll just end up looking like a fool + acting like a kid.

 

Actually, I have enough knowledge to get her laid off from work actually but I dont know if my personal feelings should intervene my frustration

thatone Established Member

thatone

Posted
Posted

ex's family abused her? calling bullsh*t. you don't have to see your boyfriend/girlfriend's family if you don't want to.

 

she hates you talking to her parents because the ex isn't gone, or some other guy isn't gone, and she's cheating on them with you. it makes her look bad when her parents see two different men.

 

of course she has a short temper when you tell her to go away, you're calling her bluff when you do that.

 

tell her to grow up, decide what she wants, and stop cheating on whoever she's with, or if not she deserves all the grief she's going to get. then turn your back and walk away.

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AltoidsCan Member

AltoidsCan

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ex's family abused her? calling bullsh*t. you don't have to see your boyfriend/girlfriend's family if you don't want to.

 

she hates you talking to her parents because the ex isn't gone, or some other guy isn't gone, and she's cheating on them with you. it makes her look bad when her parents see two different men.

 

of course she has a short temper when you tell her to go away, you're calling her bluff when you do that.

 

tell her to grow up, decide what she wants, and stop cheating on whoever she's with, or if not she deserves all the grief she's going to get. then turn your back and walk away.

 

When I told her parents that she broke up, they already knew. I know that she isn't lying about the break up part. It's just extremely hard for her to forget him entirely (Apparently)

 

And she said she never voluntarily brings bf to her house because she doesnt want anyone to intervene her personal life.

thatone Established Member

thatone

Posted
Posted (edited)

it's not hard, it's easy. she can have multiple men around. one white collar, one blue collar. she can have her 'rebel' lifestyle and pretend to be something else when you're around.

 

it's all a lie, man. she cheated once she'll do it again.

Edited by thatone
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AltoidsCan Member

AltoidsCan

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it's not hard, it's easy. she can have multiple men around. one white collar, one blue collar. she can have her 'rebel' lifestyle and pretend to be something else when you're around.

 

it's all a lie, man. she cheated once she'll do it again.

 

Yeah I know. That's why I have decided to move on and I am looking for opinions to have this one dealt with more efficiently

thatone Established Member

thatone

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efficient is easy.

 

"don't ever call me or text me or email me again, get out".

 

you can say that in about 5 seconds.

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AltoidsCan Member

AltoidsCan

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So I called her yesterday to request for NC and this is what I got the next day. (I told her to remove my number completely so she can't get in touch with me)

 

I am not feeling any better today .. I hope that makes u happy. (I told her that she will feel better next day)

 

This is probably like the worst ****ing day I've had so far.

 

Everything is going wrong.

 

So ur not gonna talk to me now?

 

I can't do this

 

Pls can we talk plz?

 

I know u still love me and thats why you're doing this

 

I still talked to you even when I wanted to be alone, why can't u just do that for me?

 

Ur so unfair

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Any comments?

snug.bunny Established Member

snug.bunny

Posted
Posted

This is a terrible way to have a relationship with someone, especially a first time relationship. You want this to be your first experience with a serious relationship? With someone who cheated on their boyfriend and then cheated on you? Did you seriously consider any of that, and why are you okay with it and okay with being the person who is involved in a relationship with someone who was involved with someone else.

 

You're just as wrong as she is, don't reply to her or pursue anything further with her, I hope you find a much better relationship with someone else in the future and get to experience being in a loving and committed relationship.

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AltoidsCan Member

AltoidsCan

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This is a terrible way to have a relationship with someone, especially a first time relationship. You want this to be your first experience with a serious relationship? With someone who cheated on their boyfriend and then cheated on you? Did you seriously consider any of that, and why are you okay with it and okay with being the person who is involved in a relationship with someone who was involved with someone else.

 

You're just as wrong as she is, don't reply to her or pursue anything further with her, I hope you find a much better relationship with someone else in the future and get to experience being in a loving and committed relationship.

 

Because at that time I thought I didnt want to miss her despite of everything bad she did in the past.

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