consejoPorFavor Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I will try to make this very short: 1. (~3 yrs ago) Met girl with long-term bf. We had/have a lot in common and are both kinda awkward, but endearingly. Became friends. 2. Started to like said girl. We routinely flirted, etc. while very drunk. She would get very upset if I said anything mean to her (which I did while hiding my feelings) and would apologize over and over if she said the most minor thing that could have offended me. Some people asked me if we were dating/etc. Others told me that this girl and I "almost did stuff" on on occasion. She would even change the subject if someone brought up her bf around me. 3. Then, while both very drunk, I told her how I felt. Can't remember her reaction but it wasn't good. We didn't talk for ~ 2 wks. When we did, she wouldn't tell me exactly what was said, just that she had gotten "mad." I talked to my best friend about it that night (he is also one of her very good friends). He said three things. (a) that she just saw me as a "very close friend" (b) that normally he would say "go for it", but her bf was a great guy and she was out of his league so we should cheer him on © that it "sucks" because I am totally the type of guy she would go out with otherwise. 4. Anyways, I kind of moved on. Dated some other girls, etc. But I always kinda compared them to her. And I still was kinda flirty with her (she once said "you have a girlfriend!" in response to something I said to her). Not too proud about that. I figured she and her bf would be together forever. 5. We still saw each other after graduation and I got more and more comfortable with her. I figured, if we couldn't go out, I might as well just be friends with her/talk to her about stuff (incl. girls) etc. I even once asked her if she had any friends to introduce me to. (Though I think one of her friends suggested that). I will also add that whenever we met up, she always made sure that it was *not* just the two of us, because we once went to dinner together and it was awkward because the waitress definitely thought it was a date. 6. Finally, out of nowhere, her boyfriend broke up with her after 6 years. 7. After they broke up, we went to dinner together. The scary thing is that I don't necessarily feel a "spark" like I used to around her and I hadn't the last few times I had seen her even with her bf. Though more than anything I want to feel something towards her and I want her to feel the same. IDK if it will happen. 8. Then I felt like I really never had any chance when she invited my best friend (from above) to join us for dinner. He had been gone for a year and we both wanted to see him again. HOWEVER, when he found out that she had broken up with her bf, he waited for her to go to the bathroom then pretty much told me that I should go for it, I guess I don't know what my question is exactly. Could I actually have a chance now that they broke up? Does it really work like that? Any way I can rekindle the old spark that, honestly, was probably lost in me getting sick of having any feelings for her and trying to move on? Thanks for any help!
Els Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 You could try. I think in your case it was an unfortunate, but classic case of wanting what you can't get though.
Author consejoPorFavor Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 You could try. I think in your case it was an unfortunate, but classic case of wanting what you can't get though. Thanks for the candid advice. I agreed 100% until my friend, out of nowhere, told me to give it a shot. I had always assumed when he said that I was the type of guy she would go out with, that he was just being nice. Now I think that the situation might have been more complicated than I previously thought. This is also the first and only time I have ever thought a girl was into me and have her turn me down. Any advice on how to give it a shot and maximize my chances?
Author consejoPorFavor Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Anyone else? Is there really any chance? Should I be direct or indirect?
smudge21 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 How long has she been single for? 6 years is a long time and you could become a rebound date, which never goes well. They could even get back together. I'd stay friends, close friends. She already knows how you feel about her and if she ever brings it up, remind her by being honest. I agree that if you've lost that spark, then a lot of the attraction could've been from the fact she was out of reach. That desire to be with someone who is not available can be very strong. I've been there. Then when suddenly they are available, somehow it doesn't seem as tempting. There's no challenge anymore, nothing to overcome or fight for. It's sad when that happens but it can also be an indication of the truth, that you really don't feel that strongly as you thought you did.
Author consejoPorFavor Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 How long has she been single for? 6 years is a long time and you could become a rebound date, which never goes well. They could even get back together. Single for 2-3 months now. They aren't even speaking and it's hard to imagine they will get back together. I'd stay friends, close friends. She already knows how you feel about her and if she ever brings it up, remind her by being honest. So should I go out of my way to hang out with her, etc. It's hard because we are both pretty quiet. We've more or less been taking turns coming up with things to do, every few weeks, and idk if I want to accelerate that. I want to hang out with her (even as friends) but don't want to come across as too proactive. I agree that if you've lost that spark, then a lot of the attraction could've been from the fact she was out of reach. That desire to be with someone who is not available can be very strong. I've been there. Then when suddenly they are available, somehow it doesn't seem as tempting. There's no challenge anymore, nothing to overcome or fight for. It's sad when that happens but it can also be an indication of the truth, that you really don't feel that strongly as you thought you did. For sure some of the attraction was that she was out of reach. But not all of it, at all. I started to lose attraction when I started to force myself to realize that she was permanently out of reach due to her relationship status. But then her bf broke up with her and she doesn't seem that out of reach anymore. (But at the same time, she does... because I can never really know if I ever had a chance...)
smudge21 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 She knows you think of her that way, so I can't imagine there's any reason to go into detail on that. I'd stay friends and see where it goes. As situations arise you'll know what to do, just go with your instincts. You're in a good place to take things further if that's what she decides she wants, but don't let her dictate the situation. Relationships should be 50/50 so if the whole starts to bother you, tell her. You've been friends long enough to be able to talk about anything surely. You do have to be careful about the friend zone though - you could quite easily end up there. It's very hard to judge what the right thing to do is. Only you will ever know for sure.
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