d'janiero Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Hey guys, My ex GF broke up with me for the second time about 3 weeks ago. Here is the full story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3452016#post3452016 I have tried my best to implement NC since we split, but I simply havent been able to stay strong and do this. Shes 20, I'm 25, we were together 3 years (I'm her first ever boyfriend and first love), awesome chemistry, got on great with the family, friends, she was my best friend and soulmate. But around 6 months ago, she started to feel that our relationship was turning more into a frinsdship and that we'd lost the spark. I finished with her at one stage (around 8 months ago)and she was literally beggin for me to come back. I came to my senses after about a week and got back with her. Shortly after this she was diagnosed with cancer (she has recently beaten this thankfully) So she broke up with me a couple of months back, for the same reasons as above. We got back together after a week or so, but in retrospect, I think this was too soon as we hadnt fully addressed the issue as to why we split in the first instance (she felt we were just like best friends, but surely you do become best friends after 3 years?) Things were great again once we were back together, just like we were in the beginning. But then around 3 weeks ago, she finished with me again. She said she didnt feel the same way about me as she did when we first met. I had so many unaswered questions after this, and took the breakup really badly, and have been seriously depressed ever since. Thing is, she keeps messaging me, and we end up talking on the phone for hours. Within these conversations, I just play it cool, but seem to be getting more answers as to why she finished with me, and they differ from what she said to me initially. She said she really wants to remain friends still, and is still attracted to me? She has also said that it was not my fault as to why she finished with me, so please don't blame myself. She just needs to sort her life out, get a career going etc. She was constantly down with life in general, especially after the cancer. Initially after the breakup, she blamed her depression on our relationship, not the cancer, and that hurt me really badly. However, she now claims it wasnt the relationship that made her unhappy (I'm kind of inclined to believe her, ash she seems really unhappy still now we're not together). So my question is, where to go from here? Do I try and go full NC. I love this girl so much, and want to be with her, but kind of know this won't be possible until she addresses her own issues. Or do I just take things easy and do the whole friends thing (Ive read this can be a really bad idea, and end up hurting you even more in the long run, if your ex moves on?) After going through the whole cancer ordeal with her, part of me still feels inclined to be there fr her no matter what, so it puts me in a really difficult situation tbh. Its been playing on my mind for weeks, yet I still cant seem to come up with any solution. Thanks
JR2315 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Tbh I think you need to stick to NC for a while. I just recently broke up with my girlfriend whom I love more than anything in this world on the agreement that we need to grow and mature before being in a relationship.Its been over 10 days since we last spoke. Our relationship was great but we relied on each other for happiness and in turn found that we needed to be happy with ourselves before anything. From reading your post it definitely seems that she is relying on you for comfort and strength. You are a genuinely good person for helping her through all her problems but she needs to realize that she also needs to find the courage to deal with her problems and not just rely on you. I suggest is that you tell her that you will still be there for her if she really needs you. But as of now you both need to find inner happiness and grow as people. Staying friends is a recipe for disaster at this point, it just seems like she's keeping you at the sidelines which is unfair for you. She already told you that she does not feel the "spark" between the two of you anymore. If you really love her then let her go for her own good and im sure if its meant to be things always work themselves out. Be strong, smart and follow your heart.
Author d'janiero Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 (edited) Hi JR2315, Thanks for your response. I agree with you on many of the points you made, and I think the harsh reality is that, I am going to have to let her go. She always use to say that she wished she met me later on in life, and wouldnt it be good if we split up/had a break and start all over again. I see her point at times, as shes only 20, and the thought of settling down so young can be daunting.(I know I wasnt ready to settle down at 20, and nowat 25 I still don't want to. I was happy just the way we were) But I personally believe, if thats what her plan is, she is taking a huge risk as anything could happen while we're apart. We spoke again on the phone for hours yesterday, and its almost as if she didnt want to end the call. She agreed that we both have more in common together than we have apart, and that the timing is just wrong for us at the moment. She confuses me alot as, i.e. initially it was the lack of spark that was the issue, then the relationship as a whole. Now she says, she was wrong, it wasnt the relationship or me that was the issue, she just feels that she needs to find herself and sort her life out. Edited June 13, 2011 by d'janiero
smudge21 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 It does sound like she's been through a lot and no one would blame her for being so confused. Sadly despite her own problems, you've still got to take care of yourself as well. If that means going NC, then so be it. Personally though I think every situation is different, so in this case I'd talk to her, face to face. Tell her exactly how you feel - repeat what you've said here. Tell her your concerns and fears, tell her how you feel about her and what you would like if it were a perfect world. I sense no anger or hatred between you and there's been no mention of cheating or anyone else that she's interested in, so this just might be a very confusing time for her and she doesn't know how to deal. Remember, she's only 20. As it stands you're both suffering in different ways, so until you address these concerns neither of you will be any good for each other. I'm not saying this will all turn out roses and wedding bells, but sometimes some things are worth fighting for. If you're thinking of going NC and sticking to it, then what is there to lose in just clearing the air and letting her know how you truly feel. Good luck.
Author d'janiero Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 Hi smudge21, yeah shes been through alot over the past few months to say the least, and Ive stuck by her every step of the way:). As crazy as it sounds, sometimes I wish there was some hatred between the two of us, as going NC would be sooo much easier. But I can only deal with the cards Ive been given. I think one of the main issues is her expressing how she truely feels. I really think she should have had some form of councilling after the cancer.But she never did. Plus with all due respect, neither her or her family are the kind of people that sit and discuss their issues, they just get on with things. I'm pretty much the opposite. I wrote her a letter last week, basically expressing how I feel, and got a hell of alot off my chest. So she knows full well how I truely feel I think. I met her a week ago, and she seemed fine with her decision etc. However, as the week progressed, and she contacted me even more, it seemed as if she did have some regrets. However, as she is so stubborn, she didnt fully admit it, they were very subtle. I genuinely thought she was happy and ok, until I started to delete/untag some of our pictures on facebook, (not out of spite, but they got me really down everytime I looked at them, and I just thought it would be easier if I did it, instead of her worrying about hurting me further) She got really angry by this, and questioned me as to why I would do such a thing. The conversations Ive had with her over the telephone have been really confusing. At times, I have to remind myself that it was her who ended the relationship, and not me, going of what she says i.e., She can't just cut me out of her life after all we've been through, shes knows its unfair of her to be constantly contacting me, but she still feels the need to. I'll move on soon, a beautiful woman will snap me up, I better not forget her if I ever make it big in my chosen career and so on. I think with any other girl, I would have cut my losses and walked away by now. But as you said, I really and truely believe that this girl is worth fighting for, but I'm unsure as to what else I can do without driving her away further? We're due to meet up on wednesday for a coffee, and to give our clothes etc back to each other, although there are things that she insists on keeping, and I have no problems with that. I just wish I knew what the hell to do. Ive had great support throughout this by friends and family. Many think she will come to her sense once she has dealt with her issues, while others think I'm crazy to still be speaking to her . But I guess everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I NC is the only thing I have not tried fully so far, and deep down, part of me feels I have to do it at some point, as I really don't want to fall into the friends zone with her, and hope that we can ressolve this at some point in the future. Man I must be crazy:s
smudge21 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I've gone NC with my ex and after 2 months I get a friend request on FB. I turn it down obviously and reiterate my reasons for doing so. We too just fell apart, there was no hatred or anger so the only emotion (for me anyway) was love and caring, which of course makes it harder to break those emotional bonds. If your ex cares for you then you should make it clear why you're going NC; why you need time to heal and why you can't continue to get so confused by all this. Make it clear that you hold no grudges or ill will toward her, but her actions are just hurting you and the last thing you want is to get angry with her. Even though the relationship is over, it's clear there's a strong chance of a good lasting friendship there. Maybe after everything she's been through, a trusted friend is what she truly needs rather than a relationship. Make it clear that she will always be a friend and that you will be there for her should she really need you, but only if she really needs you - not just to chat to when she feels the need. Time apart may make her realise what she's got and may bring her back, then again, it may not. No one can know, for I bet not even she knows
Author d'janiero Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 I'm slightly unsure as to how I would initiate no contact with her. I have been reading the ebook, "how to get her back for good". http://www.getyourexgirlfriendback.com/ The book says that under no circumstances should you tell your ex you'll be there for them once you initiate no contact as your kind of contradicting what you doing by no contact? I'm so confused as to how to do this, as I'd be wanting to do what you suggested, and tell her I'll be there for her if need be. But I'm think whether the above method would be better?
JR2315 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 (edited) Well i've read that book as well my friend and from what I remember there is a strong warning that says that you should first let her go and improve yourself as a person before attempting any of this. Your focus should not be trying to get her back in the future because who knows you or her may find someone else. But I cannot stress or emphasize the fact that you need to mature first before being in such a serious relationship. Just think and plan for yourself starting now. This is what i've been doing and its been going great. In regards to the book contradicting the advice that has been given to you. Well first there has to be a clear understanding of why there has to be NC. Secondly, if you really love her then you will be with her during when/if she truly needs you. Not as a romantic partner but as someone more like a family member. Just set a date in which you tell her that you will no longer be in contact with her, BUT! she must accept that this may take months to even years! because the time to mature and heal really does vary from person to person. Both of you should keep your options open but with that said I see no real problem in telling each other that you'll always be there AS A FRIEND. True love never fades it just changes into different forms. Your romantic love right now can evolve into a different type of love and i've only started to accept this myself and so should you. Here's something that I found in the internet and when I feel down and lost reading it always makes me feel 10x better: "Think of this: everything happens for a reason. Just because you have to physically let them go, doesnt mean you have to let them go emotionally. Consider it a blessing that this person was in your life. Don't think of the bad times, think of the good times and smile. Be happy that you were able to be a part of this persons life. Offer to be their friend, and let them know that you will always be there for them if they need it. Life doesnt ever throw things your way that you cannot overcome. Some obsticles may be harder and i truly feel that if you love something enough, set it free. If it comes back it was meant to be, and if it doesnt, dont spend your life wallowing over something that wasnt meant to be. Hold your head up high. It sounds easier said than done, but trust me. It's the right thing, and everything comes in time. Don't force yourself to do something your not ready to. You will let go. See all the beautiful things in yourself, and reach for the stars Run as far away with it as you possibly can. And if you ever find yourself down, think about how far you've come and it's all because you took it and ran with it. The inly thing in this world that is going to carry you is YOU.. Maybe one day the person will open there eyes and see what they lost. If that's the story, then youre better that that. If someone really cares for you, they will be back, no matter how long it takes. This should be the perfect time for the both of you to figure out exactly what you want in life. Me and my ex fiance seemed meant to be. We were perfect for eachother. He let me go, i came back. I wish i could say the same for him. Its hard to let someone go that you want to be with, but it just won't happen. I am 21 years old. The advice im giving to you comes from the heart. Its something that took me a while to figure out on my own. Dont worry and dont be scared. Theres always someone out there going thru the same thing. One day in time, you will figure it out for yourself. You may get over it physically, but emotionally may take a while. Always listen to your heart. Its the one thing that will never fail you. If in your heart you fell its meant to be, persue it, dont be pushy, just let time take care of it. It always has a funny way of working out in your favor. Best of luck to you. Follow your heart and it will lead you to your destiny!!!" Ps. Keep me updated as I would like to know your progress and someone to compare myself as im letting the person I love go as well Edited June 13, 2011 by JR2315
Author d'janiero Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 JR2315, Thankyou so much for your post. You have really made me see my situation in a completely different light. Still till this day I feel that it was fate that brought my ex and I together. So if it has come to the point whereby I have to let her go, what other choice do I have, but to accept this as much as it will hurt me to do so. In all honesty, we encountered a few bad times throughout the time we spent to together, but they were always masked and forgotten by the good times we had. Wednesday going to be interesting when we meet. But I'm going there with no expectations. Just take it as it comes.
JR2315 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Still till this day I feel that it was fate that brought my ex and I together. So if it has come to the point whereby I have to let her go, what other choice do I have, but to accept this as much as it will hurt me to do so. Of course it was fate that brought you two together and fate is teaching a lesson of letting go as well as giving you the opportunity to mature as well. As I've said before, Who knows??? if youre truly meant to be then things will always work itself out and the one thing that I want you to take from the message I shared with you is: "dont spend your life wallowing over something that wasnt meant to be." I know it may seem hard to imagine but if this girl made you feel the way you do now then can you just imagine what the girl who is meant for you will do in the future? wouldnt it be amazing???? Whether it is someone new or still this girl that you are letting go, it DOESNT MATTER! Be optimistic! She is out there and lastly dont go looking for her as there will come a time where fate will lead you to your destiny. I wish you the very best my friend and trust me when i say you will both be happy. There is nothing harder than letting go of someone you love as you and I are experiencing as of now. But be strong! and if you need advice then this is certainly a place where you can come too
Author d'janiero Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Thanks again. Its well appreciated:) ps - How do you manage to maintain NC with your ex?. I know this is going to be one of my hardest tasks. I constantly miss her all the time, and have to resist the urge to contact her. I have tried to keep busy by going out with my family and friends, taking up new hobbies etc, but nothing seems to work. PM me if need be. Thanks
JR2315 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 (edited) Im currently struggling with this myself. The first few days are crucial for you and it will be extremely hard! Well for me specifically, I have a full time job from 9:30-5 plus commute takes an hour or so. My day is pretty much gone and im exhausted by the time I get home. Its good that you are spending time with your friends and family. Just take it from me when I was doing the same all i can do was think about her as well. Eventually if you keep at it you will find yourself feeling much better. We both have to accept that we will definitely have our ups where we feel happy with ourselves and then the next thing we know were just so depressed and miss everything about that person. Im thinking of even going as far as volunteering and taking up guitar lessons (something i've always wanted to do ). So right after work I'm gonna be forced to do these things. Find motivation in anything you can, read the posts that are on this thread and remember what youre goal is! There is no quick fix and this wont be solved overnight! remember this plz! When you've talked to her and she understands where youre coming from delete her from FB, remove her from youre phone, i've even gone as far as throwing away everything that reminds me of her. Its a part of the healing process and its not meant to be something insensitive toward the other person. Another tip that works wonders for me is listening to music with meaning. "Let it be" by the Beatles has a great meaning and motivates me to continue NC! I know youve been in this relationship for 3 years but it wasnt as if you were together from the moment you were born. Meaning youre more than capable of being single for now. It certainly is hard to not contact her but now is the time for you to build an identity for yourself! Oh one more thing! do you have someone that you can talk to when you feel like your about to give in? For me my Aunt told me to call her whenever and wherever when I feel like im about to relapse. She just puts me right back into perspective and reminds me of how much growing I need to do. She also tells me how I've already established NC and that breaking it now wont lead anywhere. Talking to family is great! theyre always there for you and of course theyre not afraid to tell you how it is without sugarcoating anything lmao Edited June 14, 2011 by JR2315
Author d'janiero Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 Well tbh, I've slipped in and out of NC since we both split, but maintaining it is the issue for me. My job takes quite alot out of me, and a do some voluntary work from time to time. Its funny you mention guitar lessons, as I used to play years ago, and have been slowly but surely getting back into it since the breakup. Music again, is another another outlet for me. But as much as I love listening to various genres, some tracks get me thinking a lil too much about my ex, and I'm sure you can guess what happens from there:( I speak to a good friend of mine alot about this (hes like a second Dad to me). For all the bad advice alot of my friends have given me, i.e. go and sleep with another woman asap, just forget about her etc...this friend has always made me look at the breakup from a different perspective. A quick update on things: I met up with my ex yesterday to sort out some finances etc, we ended up going for lunch, one thing lead to another and she ended up coming back to my house (nothing happened, but it nearly did) We ended up hanging out for the whole day today also. In all honesty, when I saw her yesterday, I really thought it would be easy, and part of me was over her. But after the first few hours of being with her today?....man did I have a reality check. I still love her. We still have this amazing chemisty, and the friendship is still extremely strong. Even her body lauguage, the way she touches and interacts with me still, throws me off and leaves me seriously confused. How someone can fall out of love with you but still be attracted to you does not make any sense to me whatsoever. The other way round maybe, but not like this. I'm still in two minds whether to go no contact or just do limited contact. I was reading an interesting article today, which was looking into the pros and cons of NC. The conclusion was that, many people when the do NC fall into the damaged ego stage, never contact their ex unless their ex contacts them, then end up living with regrets?....interesting read. I seem to be going round in circles at the moment and cant decide what to do. She wants to meet up again over the weekend and next week, but I'm unsure as to whether thats a good idea.
JR2315 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Music again, is another another outlet for me. But as much as I love listening to various genres, some tracks get me thinking a lil too much about my ex, and I'm sure you can guess what happens from there:( Ye I feel ya.... Me and my ex's song was "I hear a symphony" by the jackson 5 and I cant even listen to the first 5 seconds of it coz it reminds me of her too much. I deleted it off my itunes but all i can really do is look forward to the day when I can add it back to my ipod. Try not to listen to songs where you've associated feelings for her and instead look for new genre's that you might like. This sounds lame but I really enjoy listening to Glee songs lmao. I speak to a good friend of mine alot about this (hes like a second Dad to me). For all the bad advice alot of my friends have given me, i.e. go and sleep with another woman asap, just forget about her etc...this friend has always made me look at the breakup from a different perspective. Sex to try to numb the pain is a big NO NO! Its a good thing you didnt listen to those guys. You'll be probably end up more confused and feel guilty to an extent. How someone can fall out of love with you but still be attracted to you does not make any sense to me whatsoever. The other way round maybe, but not like this. Im not sure I quite understand this? From what you've said, you love her but now you dont find her attractive? Is it the same for her? or is she still attracted to you but no longer loves you? Well for the first case and i've mentioned this before, you love her as if she was a family member and care for her well being. As for the other case, its similar to i guess having a crush on someone its more infatuation rather than love. I'm still in two minds whether to go no contact or just do limited contact. I was reading an interesting article today, which was looking into the pros and cons of NC. The conclusion was that, many people when the do NC fall into the damaged ego stage, never contact their ex unless their ex contacts them, then end up living with regrets?....interesting read. She wants to meet up again over the weekend and next week, but I'm unsure as to whether thats a good idea. Well do you think youre the type of person who will never contact your ex ever again? Its entirely your call when you feel youre ready. Then you have to find out if she has done her share of growing and you guys start building a romantic relationship again. I thought you already talked about NC?? to what extent did you explain it to her??
Author d'janiero Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 (edited) Ye I feel ya.... Me and my ex's song was "I hear a symphony" by the jackson 5 and I cant even listen to the first 5 seconds of it coz it reminds me of her too much. I deleted it off my itunes but all i can really do is look forward to the day when I can add it back to my ipod. Try not to listen to songs where you've associated feelings for her and instead look for new genre's that you might like. This sounds lame but I really enjoy listening to Glee songs lmao. Sex to try to numb the pain is a big NO NO! Its a good thing you didnt listen to those guys. You'll be probably end up more confused and feel guilty to an extent. Im not sure I quite understand this? From what you've said, you love her but now you dont find her attractive? Is it the same for her? or is she still attracted to you but no longer loves you? Well for the first case and i've mentioned this before, you love her as if she was a family member and care for her well being. As for the other case, its similar to i guess having a crush on someone its more infatuation rather than love. Well do you think youre the type of person who will never contact your ex ever again? Its entirely your call when you feel youre ready. Then you have to find out if she has done her share of growing and you guys start building a romantic relationship again. I thought you already talked about NC?? to what extent did you explain it to her?? Sorry man, I'm not in tune enough to use the multiquote icon yet. We're on the exact same page when it comes to the songs. I'm trying my best to simply not listen to them.But, we listened to soo much music together, there are hardly any tracks that don't some way or some how remind me of her. lol @ Glee songs...thats interesting:) Yeah Ive never been a fan of running to another woman for sex to get over an ex. Many of my friends have, but this is not for me. Sorry I should have been more clear. Basically, because we havent really sat and discussed things fully (shes not one to talk about her issues that much), I just pick bits up here and there, and go off what her mum told me....which was she loved me but was no longer in love with me. My ex hasnt exactly said this to my face, but she says certain things which would lead me to think this is the case, but still says shes attracted to me, always comments on how i dress/look etc. But as I said, she says things, and does things when we hang out which does make me think she is confused as to how she truely feels. And whoever it is she has spoken to about this, whether it be her mum or her friends, simply branded it as, well you love him you're just not in love with him. I can only assume though, so could be wrong. We have spoke about NC briefly i.e. she constantly tells me to let her know, if her always contacting me/hanging out is too much for me to handle. She wants me to come to her 21st birthday party and meet members of my family that I have just made contact with after 4 years etc. She asked me today if I thought we'd drift apart. I was honest to a degree and told her that I think we would once we started dating over people. She gets really defensive when I say this, and always says I was her first love/boyfriend and has no intentions of getting with another dude. And if she ever did in the future she would tell me out of respect (that really was a WTF moment) She then said the us drifting appart would be down to me, if I ever moved to another city to persue my career, then I'd end up forgetting about her and only speak to her via tx. Man I could write a book about this girl/breakup, because its sooo complex. At times I have to remind myself that it was actually her who ended the relationship and not me lol Edited June 16, 2011 by d'janiero
JR2315 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Wow she really seem to be having a hard time of letting you go.... This just goes to show that she's really insecure about the herself. You should tell her then that she was the one who asked for a break and you respected her and now its her turn to respect your decision to go NC. She really needs to get the message that your main focus right now is growing as a person and that getting into another relationship is the least of your worries as of now. Speaking about the NC policy briefly clearly isnt enough for her, lay down the rules and explain harder why it needs to be done! This is so unfair to you! ok she already mentioned the fact that if she does find another guy that she will tell you.. so does she just expect you to be at the sidelines till that happens??? I really think that the more time you spend talking to this girl the higher both your hopes are going to be and the thing about that is its gonna be a harder fall as well.
Author d'janiero Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 I was thinking the exact same. She kind of summed this up the other day when she said, she misses me so much, she thinks she made the right decision breaking up with me but sometimes wonders each time she sees me. And it would be harder for her dealing with this if I wasnt in her life. My mind tells me I should go NC, but my heart seems to get the better of me every time...I dunno if its the whole cancer thing, or simply coz I'm a sucker for love...maybe even both. Like you said, alot of my friends and even her family have said what she is doing is unfair to me. But having said that, it does take two and I havent fully told her that I want to do NC. I don't think she intentionally is doing this, as she has never been in a breakup/relationship before. You make a really good point about the new guy thing. She says she isnt looking for a new guy, but I know shes still young and nieve...i.e. can be easily influenced by her friends at times.....all but one of them have recently finished with there boyfriends. If I'm being honest, part of me feels to take control and implement NC...reason being, earlier on in our relationship when we would argue and I would simply walk away, she would come running after me and try and make peace. Also when I finished with her in November, she was the one chasing me again. Don't get me wrong, I was never a bad guy to her....never cheated, raised my hand to her etc....but when I was that confident guy there was no issues. The second I become slightly needy, and constantly looking out for her...especially throughout her cancer treatment and afterwards.....the whole we're losing the spark and we're just like friends issues began. Maybe I'm over analysing things too much....but this kinda came to me after reading the "how to get her back for good book". What did you think of the book?
JR2315 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 I was thinking the exact same. She kind of summed this up the other day when she said' date=' she misses me so much, she thinks she made the right decision breaking up with me but sometimes wonders each time she sees me. And it would be harder for her dealing with this if I wasnt in her life.[/quote'] Even Im having a hard time processing the fact that she believes she made the right decision but she also needs you to work with her through the pain. ever heard of the saying "You cant have your cake and eat it too"? This sounds really selfish and immature, from what i've read it really seems like you are ready to move one but her actions are just making things more confusing. Like you said, alot of my friends and even her family have said what she is doing is unfair to me. But having said that, it does take two and I havent fully told her that I want to do NC. I don't think she intentionally is doing this, as she has never been in a breakup/relationship before. I really think its time to tell her man. Why prolong the inevitable? Maybe I'm over analysing things too much....but this kinda came to me after reading the "how to get her back for good book". What did you think of the book? Well i was really skeptical with the book to begin with as soon as I saw the $40 price tag lol. You have to understand there are thousands of people who are suffereing through heartbreaks and they often get suckered into purchasing these kind of stuff. There are some good advice I guess but I noticed that it just treats relationships through the use of mind games. The whole reason behind NC is for you to heal but these books make it sound as if girls/guys will run back to you because they want what they cant have. It also seems kind of contradictory to tell someone to focus on yourself before attempting any of their techniques, yet the book itself is meant to get your ex back.... in essence its like hoping to grow as a person just so you have a chance of reconciliation. For me personally im just gonna let things happen and focus on myself. I might date around but im not going into any serious relationship. I need a woman who will be strong for me no matter what and I also need to be that man for her. Heres a thread that basically summarizes these books. Keep an open mind and try to think critically when you read the techniques so you can judge for yourself whether you truly think its the right way to deal with things: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t96092/
Author d'janiero Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 (edited) Even Im having a hard time processing the fact that she believes she made the right decision but she also needs you to work with her through the pain. ever heard of the saying "You cant have your cake and eat it too"? This sounds really selfish and immature, from what i've read it really seems like you are ready to move one but her actions are just making things more confusing. Tell me about it. Even my close females friends are like DJ, this girl puzzles the hell out of us and we're women.As you said, she doesnt seem to wonna let me go, but doesnt want me as a boyfriend. So I gotta agree with the whole have your cake and eat it too. I really think its time to tell her man. Why prolong the inevitable? Again I do agree, but if I'm being 100% honest, I just cant seem to bring myself to do it. But the longer I leave it the worse it may become, as she seems to want to build this amazing friendship (well most of the time until she lets her guard down and it seems as if shes fallin for me again), and I just go with the flow, in hope that we'll ressolve the issues we have, and partly out of guilt of walking away after all shes been through. (sounds crazy I know) There are some good advice I guess but I noticed that it just treats relationships through the use of mind games. The whole reason behind NC is for you to heal but these books make it sound as if girls/guys will run back to you because they want what they cant have. It also seems kind of contradictory to tell someone to focus on yourself before attempting any of their techniques, yet the book itself is meant to get your ex back.... in essence its like hoping to grow as a person just so you have a chance of reconciliation. I really trusted the dudes judgement to an extent, simply because of the whole psychological tactics he reiterated throughout the book. However, the mind games, and contradictions did leave me feeling a lil skepticle. I think maybe some of them would work, but every breakup/woman is different. Heres a thread that basically summarizes these books. Keep an open mind and try to think critically when you read the techniques so you can judge for yourself whether you truly think its the right way to deal with things: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t96092/ Thanks for the link. I've just into onto page 5...and still reading. I see arguments both for and against the whole NC/mind games, opposed to just being honest and telling someone how you feel. With my previous ex, who I was with for slightly longer, when we broke up I did the whole beg and plead to take me back, bought her gifts flowers etc. In the end I simply became the annoying ex. Then one day (after I saw her with her new rebound guy) I went into complete NC mode. It was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life to say the least. Then I got the texts, and drunk call a few months down the line, i.e. I miss you, I still love you and think about you all the time. I never responded to her texts but did answer her calls. Eventually about 2.5 years later, I bumped into her on christmas eve while I was out with friends. She was with another dude, we both made eye contact, but didnt speak. 10 mins later she called me and stayed on the phone for 3 hours. I think this was her way of telling me she had made a mistake.....the dude she got with after me treated her really badly opposed to how I used to treat her. We met up in the New Year, and she was dropping subtle hints of us getting back. But at that stage, she couldnt hurt me anymore, and I no longer felt the same.....It was the hardest 3 years of my life. So I guess what I'm trying to say is 1. NC does work at times, but with me, it took 2.5 - 3 years before I got any real results, and I was confident in myself again. 2. I am afraid to an extent of walking the same path of NC again with my ex now (I was really bad last time and got pushed to the edge of my own sanity), as I feel alot more for my current ex than I ever did with my previous ex, so I know NC this time around will be 100 times harder. Plus they are both different women, only because NC did have an effect previously does not mean it will happen again this time around. I know NC is not meant to get your ex back, but to work on your self. But I reccon if most guys were honest, when they go NC, they always live in hope that they will hear from their ex......myself included Edited June 17, 2011 by d'janiero
JR2315 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 But at that stage' date=' she couldnt hurt me anymore, and I no longer felt the same.....It was the hardest 3 years of my life. [/quote'] I guess it wasnt true love then was it? Thats the whole point of NC! You did it lol. It was to follow your heart with the guidance of your brain. After that 2.5 year break you definitely matured more and realized that she wasnt the right person for you. I really envy that and I hope that someday I get there so i can make a rational decision I am afraid to an extent of walking the same path of NC again with my ex now (I was really bad last time and got pushed to the edge of my own sanity), as I feel alot more for my current ex than I ever did with my previous ex, so I know NC this time around will be 100 times harder. Plus they are both different women, only because NC did have an effect previously does not mean it will happen again this time around. I know NC is not meant to get your ex back, but to work on your self. But I reccon if most guys were honest, when they go NC, they always live in hope that they will hear from their ex......myself included I cant lie everyday there is something in me that hopes for reconciliation. But I know I shouldnt be focusing on her rather I should focus purely on myself. No one said it was gonna be easy though and my break up is certainly the hardest thing that i have ever gone through. Lets just both look forward to being able to make decisions with both our heart and mind. In the end it will all work itself out as it did with your previous relationship.
Author d'janiero Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 (edited) I guess it wasnt true love then was it? Thats the whole point of NC! You did it lol. It was to follow your heart with the guidance of your brain. After that 2.5 year break you definitely matured more and realized that she wasnt the right person for you. I really envy that and I hope that someday I get there so i can make a rational decision Don't get me wrong my mind passes on her from time to time, but it wasnt until I got with my current ex, that I realised what true love really was and how bad my ex ex was for me. It was the greatest feeling in the world to finally get over her. But man, it was that lil bit more easier knowing that she went into a rebound relationship not so long after we split...plus seeing them kissing, as much as it killed me, it kind of gave me some closure. Part of me kinda wishes my current ex treated me as bad as my previous ex did during our break up. This way cutting her out of my life and doing NC would be so much easier. I cant lie everyday there is something in me that hopes for reconciliation. But I know I shouldnt be focusing on her rather I should focus purely on myself. No one said it was gonna be easy though and my break up is certainly the hardest thing that i have ever gone through. Lets just both look forward to being able to make decisions with both our heart and mind. In the end it will all work itself out as it did with your previous relationship. We can only hope and pray huh. I hope everything works out for you both. Please keep me posted as to how you get on:) Edited June 17, 2011 by d'janiero
JR2315 Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Just keep yourself busy! I actually had an entire shift of work without thinking of her. Im over 2 weeks in NC now and I even felt as good as 80% at one point. I still love this girl more than anything in the world but im starting to let her go so we can both mature. I guess i've always been a happy-go-lucky type of guy so im completely fine with just letting things work itself out. Good luck man, the 1st week is hard especially in the mornings but you will get by!
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