Can men and women actually be platonic friends?

[John Michael Kane]

John, it isn't about being mature or immature. It might help to read some info on marriage builders.com which one reply helped me understand how it could happen and it makes sense now.

 

It has everything to do with being mature, as with everything else in life.

 

I had a whole different outlook on affairs and thought it was ridiculous people having them, but unless it happened to u, u don't understand

And I wasn't even talking about affairs but since you are on the subject, I know exactly what it is and how damaging it one can be.

[zlatnapolja]

This statement was made to me countless number of times by my ex who says that I could never truly have a guy friend because there is always attraction going on in one or both sides. I'm starting to slightly come to his way of thinking but I'm still pretty much on the fence about this.

 

For me, my ex hits it dead on the spot because eventually my guy friends start having a crush on me even though I make it blatantly clear that that is not how I feel.

 

I was wondering what you guys think about this? Your experiences?

 

Hehe this is so recognizable. I think us girls, usually can be 'just friends' if there's no history there and no 'in-loveness' in the beginning. I don't know if guys can though.. I think some of them can and others will develope feelings but wont tell you..

 

I think if a guy allready has a GF and he is genuinly in love with her, it's easy for him to have female friends without him having weird feelings. And also its easier for a men and a woman to be just friends if the friendship happens 'by accident', for instance: if they've known each other since they were kids, something like this.

[Ginger Beer]

In my life I've been close friends with three girls.

 

The first was a girl I was dating for a very short time when I was about 13 (young, I know) we were in school and we became very close friends up until I was about 20. We'd tell each other everything. I didn't fancy her, she didn't fancy me, we did have a little thing at the very start though.

 

2nd girl is the one I'm trying to get over at the moment, we met when I was 19, I'm 22 now and we became close friends about 18 months ago, 1 year ago it developed into something more but it didn't work. Recently split and we aren't friends.

 

3rd girl is one I met when I was 17-18, we have been good friends ever since but recently we've become a bit closer, we text regularly but we are not flirtacious in any way, it really is a friendship. We don't even pay each other compliments on our appearances. She has a boyfriend although it's not going well between them at the moment. She is a lovely girl. I probably fancy her but I've learned my lesson with female friends, they're best being female friends.

[Yamaha]

If you have common interests and enjoy activities together then, it is very possible.

 

When the friendship is conversation and spending time alone then one of you likes the other more than friends.

[DreamerGirl27]

DreamGirl, okay so both genders at younger ages are guilty of this, whats your point? The question remains, Can some rise above this and actually be genuine friends, and the answer is yes. The problem though is those who are stuck in the physical world and cant see past the reality that we are each going to wrinkle and some day need one another as humans and place the gender on the back burner.

I think you and SIncereONline would get along fabulously, he and you have much in common....

 

When I'm old and wrinkly, the only person I want is my husband. The only person I want right is my husband. I don't need friends. I'm very antisocial.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

INsincereONlineGuy- I, in due regard,and in the best of light, wholeheartedly disagree with your baseless opinion. Learn to regard Ladies and leave us mature ones who see beyond the physical and appreciate persons alone. Wpuld you be so kind (s I have seen your other pos), learn comprehension skills and to read "entirely" before deciphering a section and using it as your platform of argumentative. Its unbecoming.

 

 

Please define "Wpuld" for us english-speakers. And maybe just work on your English in general, for the sake of everyone else here.

 

At least I was able to comprehend "guys", along with the fact that I am qualified to answer the question.

 

 

I don't even know how to shine a big enough light on the fact that you simply do not understand what you're talking about.

 

This, once again, has exactly nothing to do with the viewpoints of women. So your unqualified observations remain meaningless on the topic of whether heterosexual males have any interest at all in being your platonic friends when not tethered to you for reasons not of their own doing.

 

Were your misguided understandings remotely on-target, you'd hear talk every day of men approaching women on the sidewalks of America saying: "Hi, would you like to be platonic friends?"

 

Men would walk further up the street and say: "Hi, how would you like to join our Bridge club... it doesn't matter if you don't know how to play Bridge - we'll teach you".

 

At the bars, sober, strange men would approach you and say: "Hi, would YOU buy ME a drink?"

 

Now if you cannot derive the obvious from the society all around you, then you'll never get it from Loveshack.

[Eve]

I think it boils down to flirting. Rightly or wrongly, I think some level of flirting is ok as long as it is not serious. If this goes too far then realistically the friendship is not platonic and has the propensity to develop into an emotional affair.

 

I would not try and be 'friends' with someone I found very attractive and who ticked all the boxes for me because that would be temptation, not friendship, lol.

 

I don't know. A bit of common sense goes a long way in any situation we are faced with!

 

I was surprised when former friends tried it on because I didn't even think them attractive! Nowt like that was going on for me. Hence, it was all a bit opportunistic and therefore slightly creepy. Especially when a girlfriend of mine made a pass at me. Didn't see that one coming at all.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[carhill]

I think it boils down to flirting. Rightly or wrongly, I think some level of flirting is ok as long as it is not serious. If this goes too far then realistically the friendship is not platonic and has the propensity to develop into an emotional affair.

 

This issue is probably my single largest issue and where the few true female friends in my life have shone proudly.

 

In all other cases, they either end up touching me, talking about sex, inferring sexual innuendos and/or engaging in behaviors which most 'normal' men would perceive as serious and focused 'flirting'. Once they get a 'rise' out of me, often after much time has elapsed (days/weeks/months), then they trot out the 'of course we're just friends' line. Yes, of course we are...eh, you're married.

 

I've come to see this as 'mind sex' for women who don't have the 'balls' to put their vagina where their libido is. They fµck the mind and then 'pull out' and claim it never happened. This perception acknowledges the differences between men and women in this regard. I flirt with women I want to have sex with. Such women as I've described flirt with me because they want to feel me wanting to have sex with them; they get off on the 'want', the mind fµck.

 

I don't mind innocent flirting, think it's healthy and engage in it myself, but see the above behaviors as an affront to my sensibilities. If I share this information with their husbands, who loses? LOL, it won't be the person with the POP (power of pussy). That's life. Live and learn.

[Dorie]

Any male friends I've been closed to were gay. Took the attraction factor right out of the equation. My brother has female friends he's had since secondary school and has seen them through marriages, kids, that kind of thing. It's very possible to keep things platonic if that is one's true intention.

[somedude81]

Definitely, I've been platonic friends with a lot of girls.

 

All they have to do is keep turning down my advances. Voilà, platonic friendship

 

The current girl keeps me at arms length, literally.

[Universe]

Men and women can be platonic friends. But it can be very difficult as hazards exist where they are not marked. Most of the problems arise out of the confusion of attraction for love. Attraction fades over time because you eventually get used to the person you're attracted to. You may still see what you originally found attractive, but it doesn't have the same power because the excitement over the attraction has had time to dissipate. Attraction only lingers if you allow yourself to get obsessed with a person and consequently deprive yourself of satisfying your needs elsewhere.

 

When you first meet someone and you hit it off as friends, the powers of attraction can make things difficult. Feelings get complicated and the dynamic either has to end or it explodes - usually it explodes and then has to end. But if you make it through the beginning attraction phase without explosions, then you can start to see clearly if there is something deeper that is truly love or if it's something else. Most of the time it's something else. It's my contention that once you can see clearly that it is not love, and the powerful attraction phase has already run its course, only then can you really be friends. Whatever electricity there was has now lost it's zing.

 

This all usually takes a couple years or more. It doesn't matter if the attraction is mutual or what the circumstance is. If the relationship/friendship is new, it has all this built in mystery and energy. That can only die over time.

 

I think all of this depends on proximity and frequency of the time you spend together. I've been very good friends with many women for years with absolutely no problems whatsoever. Attractions on either side are minimal and easily managed. But I don't spend time with them on a frequent basis and we're usually not in close proximity situations. I consider myself great friends with them - even close friends. But there's enough distance that attraction never really becomes an issue.

 

Having so much success in having friendships with woman over the course of my life really set me up for a big fall though. I thought I could handle those friendships with no problem. I thought I was a pro. But that all that changed when I broke the rules that I described above. I began working with a new woman on a very frequent basis and in close proximity. There was no attraction at first. So I let my guard down. And over time the proximity and frequency eventually started a fire. This caused major problems for me as I was already in a very happy long term relationship and had no intention of leaving my girlfriend. Long story short - I had to terminate the friendship. That was a year ago and only now am I feeling the attraction phase wearing off and I feel like I could truly be friends with her again. But I don't think she's there yet. Maybe never will.

[bikinibeach]

In all other cases, they either end up touching me, talking about sex, inferring sexual innuendos and/or engaging in behaviors which most 'normal' men would perceive as serious and focused 'flirting'. Once they get a 'rise' out of me, often after much time has elapsed (days/weeks/months), then they trot out the 'of course we're just friends' line. Yes, of course we are...eh, you're married.

 

I've come to see this as 'mind sex' for women who don't have the 'balls' to put their vagina where their libido is. They fµck the mind and then 'pull out' and claim it never happened. This perception acknowledges the differences between men and women in this regard. I flirt with women I want to have sex with. Such women as I've described flirt with me because they want to feel me wanting to have sex with them; they get off on the 'want', the mind fµck.

 

 

you. are. a. genius.

 

except for the keeping female friends part. how do they act towards women you are seeing???

 

i just dumped a man who claimed i was the girl of his dreams over his gaggle of hag "good friends" to ugly for him to find attractive that treated me like **** and he made up excuses for their behavior and continued to hang out with them- without me.

 

if that's you i take back sentence number one. lol

[carhill]

My short answer is 'no'. I'll do a journal for a longer one, as it would be off-topic (the details).

[Eve]

This issue is probably my single largest issue and where the few true female friends in my life have shone proudly.

 

In all other cases, they either end up touching me, talking about sex, inferring sexual innuendos and/or engaging in behaviors which most 'normal' men would perceive as serious and focused 'flirting'. Once they get a 'rise' out of me, often after much time has elapsed (days/weeks/months), then they trot out the 'of course we're just friends' line. Yes, of course we are...eh, you're married.

 

I've come to see this as 'mind sex' for women who don't have the 'balls' to put their vagina where their libido is. They fµck the mind and then 'pull out' and claim it never happened. This perception acknowledges the differences between men and women in this regard. I flirt with women I want to have sex with. Such women as I've described flirt with me because they want to feel me wanting to have sex with them; they get off on the 'want', the mind fµck.

 

I don't mind innocent flirting, think it's healthy and engage in it myself, but see the above behaviors as an affront to my sensibilities. If I share this information with their husbands, who loses? LOL, it won't be the person with the POP (power of pussy). That's life. Live and learn.

 

I know it goes on but to be honest, I don't know how people find the time for such things. No wonder people end up alone! To me I would see the outlined behaviour as an indication that they are unfaithful, hence unreliable people! What a waste of life energy. P'sssshhh, forget that!

 

A bit of flirting is ok, usually in the direction of general respect of certain qualities etc.. anything else, I would agree is a mind ****... or general whoring behaviour.

 

I suppose some still like to consider themselves to be on the market regardless of their relationship status. Only thing I can think off as an explanation. Some people define themselves by their sexuality/sexual prowess beyond the stages it is probably relevant.

 

'Friendship' has a funny meaning nowadays.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Dan The Stud]

no they cant. some wimpy guys do it but only in hopes the girl will change her mind. what they dont know is girls dont let guys out of the friendzone

[zlatnapolja]

no they cant. some wimpy guys do it but only in hopes the girl will change her mind. what they dont know is girls dont let guys out of the friendzone

 

Of course men and women can be friends, it just doesn't happen often. I know guys that enjoy being friends to women and I know even more women that enjoy being friends with a guy. The problem is however that it rarely happens that these two 'friendly' people meet each other. They usually become friends with people that do have ulterior motives.

[eastsunshine2011]

Of course men and women can be friends, it just doesn't happen often. I know guys that enjoy being friends to women and I know even more women that enjoy being friends with a guy. The problem is however that it rarely happens that these two 'friendly' people meet each other. They usually become friends with people that do have ulterior motives.

 

I think ur right Dan. They become friends in the first place because of attraction.

[DreamerGirl27]

no they cant. some wimpy guys do it but only in hopes the girl will change her mind. what they dont know is girls dont let guys out of the friendzone

 

it goes both ways. men friendzone the "serious" girls, especially young guys in their 20's. most guys aren't looking for "the one" or to get married.

[scaredandalone1223]

Yes they can BUT when in a relationship they need to be mutual friends to some extent. One of my husband's best friends was a female. He lived with her & her family for a couple of years before we met and after we were married she and I grew to be extremely close as well. My husband didn't have any sisters so I valued the fact that he had such a great friend to give him female insight when he needed an objective 3rd party. He would go to the movies with her if it was something I didn't want to see and sometimes just go hang out with her. Sometimes they would tell me everything they talked about, sometimes not. The relationship was very much like that of a family member though and like I said she and I got to be very close as well. Her husband and I became much closer than our husbands were as we would text/ call each other. Her husband went with me to see a band play that neither of our spouses cared for but whom we both really liked. Due to a lot of other things we lost this friendship but it was not due to any kind of romance on either side. Some days I miss them and I know my husband does as well. I have one male friend my husband doesn't really know. The friend is gay, and while I 'knew' for quite some time he only told me a couple of years ago. Main thing is NO SECRETS. For years we worked in the same town and my husband did not. If the friend ever called me to have lunch etc. I would always call/ text my husband and say the friend wanted us to get together for lunch. My husband has never met him as most of the time it would be during business hours but I never tried to hide the friendship nor did we spent time together daily or even weekly for that matter. If my husband ever asked for us all to get together everyone involved would be 100% o.k. with it. Most of our opposite sex friends are mutual and I would say I have more guy friends than he has female ones. Then again my husband doesn't like talking on the phone, etc. So when it's time to touch base or catch up I'm either the caller or even the husband's friends call me because they know I'm more talkative and easier to get in contact with.

 

There are lines that can be crossed and crossed easily but as long as everything is kept in the open I think platonic friendships can be part of a marriage. With that said, if my husband started having daily/ weekly lunch dates with an attractive woman and texting/ calling them daily that crosses a line and should not happen.

[crazylove]

Yes they can BUT when in a relationship they need to be mutual friends to some extent. One of my husband's best friends was a female. He lived with her & her family for a couple of years before we met and after we were married she and I grew to be extremely close as well. My husband didn't have any sisters so I valued the fact that he had such a great friend to give him female insight when he needed an objective 3rd party. He would go to the movies with her if it was something I didn't want to see and sometimes just go hang out with her. Sometimes they would tell me everything they talked about, sometimes not. The relationship was very much like that of a family member though and like I said she and I got to be very close as well. Her husband and I became much closer than our husbands were as we would text/ call each other. Her husband went with me to see a band play that neither of our spouses cared for but whom we both really liked. Due to a lot of other things we lost this friendship but it was not due to any kind of romance on either side. Some days I miss them and I know my husband does as well. I have one male friend my husband doesn't really know. The friend is gay, and while I 'knew' for quite some time he only told me a couple of years ago. Main thing is NO SECRETS. For years we worked in the same town and my husband did not. If the friend ever called me to have lunch etc. I would always call/ text my husband and say the friend wanted us to get together for lunch. My husband has never met him as most of the time it would be during business hours but I never tried to hide the friendship nor did we spent time together daily or even weekly for that matter. If my husband ever asked for us all to get together everyone involved would be 100% o.k. with it. Most of our opposite sex friends are mutual and I would say I have more guy friends than he has female ones. Then again my husband doesn't like talking on the phone, etc. So when it's time to touch base or catch up I'm either the caller or even the husband's friends call me because they know I'm more talkative and easier to get in contact with.

 

There are lines that can be crossed and crossed easily but as long as everything is kept in the open I think platonic friendships can be part of a marriage. With that said, if my husband started having daily/ weekly lunch dates with an attractive woman and texting/ calling them daily that crosses a line and should not happen.

 

 

Good post:)

 

Women and men seem to be able to be platonic friends only when there are no sexual feelings involved on either side. Otherwise there is nearly always an ulterior motive as to why they are 'friends'.

[DreamerGirl27]

I would not be okay with my significant other going to the movies with another girl, unless it was actually his blood related sister. If he doesn't want to go see a movie with me or vice versa, he better stay home.

[Intergalactic]

my best friend is a guy. we are pretty intimate with each other, in that we like to hug a lot and we do stuff like go to dinner, watch a movie, spend time talking and just hanging out - just like i do with my female friends (i just don't get to go as far as painting his toenails.... but not for lack of trying! )

 

i think it's really sad to say that all guys who are friends are just waiting in line to bang the girl. i mean, really? what does that say about men? that they aren't capable of just friendship without any desire for sex? that's ridiculous.

 

oh and yes, my best mate tells me i'm beautiful all the time. but when we were both single, nothing happened. and now he has a girlfriend and i am still single... and nothing happens. so it's not like there hasn't been a chance. there has, but it's platonic so..

 

I would not be okay with my significant other going to the movies with another girl, unless it was actually his blood related sister. If he doesn't want to go see a movie with me or vice versa, he better stay home.

 

i go to the movies with my best friend (male) all the time. his girlfriend is ok with it though. i'd hate to have our movie nights taken away.

[scaredandalone1223]

I would not be okay with my significant other going to the movies with another girl, unless it was actually his blood related sister. If he doesn't want to go see a movie with me or vice versa, he better stay home.

 

Until recently quite frankly I never liked movies. My husband tried to get me to, our friends tried to get me to but I just didn't care for them. My husband and his female friend were movie lovers though. If I didn't want to go why would I pick a fight over them going somewhere where I didn't want to be? It didn't happen weekly or monthly, but it did happen. Same with the concert. I bought tickets for my dad and me, but in the end my dad couldn't make it. My husband hated the music PLUS it was playoff Sunday...which normally I would never leave for that but I had remade plans with my dad. The guy and I went because we were the only ones who cared for the music. Should I have blown over $100 dollars because my dad couldn't make it. The guy bought the drinks since I paid for the tickets. In EVERY instance whether a movie or the show we were picked up at home and dropped off after. When my hubby and her went, depending on the town, the one driving would come by we would visit and then go out. Afterwards when it was time to return home the driver would come in and we would all hang out. After the concert we called my friend's wife, on blue tooth hands free, to tell her about the show and talked to her the entire way back to my house. Of course she joked about how bad the show had to have been because the musician, in her eyes, sucked. My friend asked me if I wanted to grab dinner on the way but I had already started cooking so I declined. My husband was then like why didn't you go, the boys and I could have picked up something so you didn't have to go to all that trouble before you left?

 

If it was a movie I really wanted to see then by no means would my husband take someone else over me, but really who wants to see a movie alone? Like I said, it's all about being open! There are friends in our lives we do not mutually like and it can present a problem and that is a same sex friend! It all boils down to the people involved. If you & he agree to no opposite sex friends then that's the way it should be. But putting all men into a category of 'only out for sex' shouldn't be the case. Be open, be honest and everything else should fall into place. Once secrets start that's when the red flags pop up!

[WhisperinnWinds]

My best friend's gay. Back in high school when we met several years ago, I had a bit of a crush. But as some months went by, I realized we were just friends. Eventually he came out to me and ever since then it has been more of a sibling-type relationship...but we also met when we were 8 or 9 years old, so that helps.

 

The closeness of the relationship matters. I would never date a man who has a very close female straight friend - single or not. My significant other mostly has female acquaintances - very, very rarely he'll go out with them in a mixed group.

 

I think a person has to ask themselves why they want to be platonic friends with a specific person. Is it driven in some or large part by the fact that you find that person attractive? As that friendship deepens, it's only going to grow worse - as you'll also be emotionally invested.

 

I think in general it's far easier to stick to same-sex friends. It leads to less jealousy and fewer problems in general.

 

Friends with exes is another story!

[ThsAmericanLife]

One of my best friends is a man I dated years ago. We both decided we wouldn't make it as a couple and found a way to keep the parts we both appreciated. Sure, there was a period where things were uncomfortable, but we both value what we have too much to mess it up by trying a romantic relationship or anything physical again. It is great to have a buddy who knows me as well as he does to give me relationship advice and vice versa.

 

That said, I think it doesn't work for lots of people because they can't past their feelings of rejection or need for sexual affirmation from the other sex... even if that person isn't right for them.

 

Also keep in mind that I've worked around all men for over 20 years. I don't have any problems setting appropriate boundaries and distinguishing between a passing crush and something more. I think that is also necessary.