So I just realized without a doubt, my ex has BPD.

[betterdeal]

As did mine... did we by chance date the same BPD? xD

 

Sexually adventurous but afraid of intimacy? Beautiful when calm; horrific or petrified when upset? Selective amnesia? Great voice? Bit too big boobs? Nice arse?

 

I don't like calling people a BPD, any more than calling someone a cripple. Stephen Hawking is a wheelchair user; the last woman I was close appeared to have had a BPD, are more agreeable to my sensitive pallet. I know it may come over as prissy PC gawn mad, but it works for me.

Edited June 4, 2011 by betterdeal

[sinnister]

Sexually adventurous but afraid of intimacy? Beautiful when calm; horrific or petrified when upset? Selective amnesia? Great voice? Bit too big boobs? Nice arse?

 

I don't like calling people a BPD, any more than calling someone a cripple. Stephen Hawking is a wheelchair user; the last woman I was close appeared to have had a BPD, are more agreeable to my sensitive pallet. I know it may come over as prissy PC gawn mad, but it works for me.

 

Understand your perspective and too get a lot of perspective from your contribution..thanks for that, even if we started out on wrong foot. I'm pretty defensive about this stuff, b/c a lot of people talk w/o experience or thinking..

 

Don't forget very kind heart, when it's working for you. Petrified is probably the biggest flaw...cause as most of us..even under pressure can make some kind of decision..they stall n stall then go to default w/o any justification or forewarning...then split you black to cover for it. Everything is perception with them...even to the point of delusion..but again..can't let it stop my healing/growth and even as I have a wish for another crack at this knowing what I know now...it is just a wish and many things I've been told here I will use and let her come to me. I can't hate her...do hate the instant spiral downward and her willingness to speed up the plane so it'll crash faster so she'd be done with any choices (forgetting there was a scale and we were very good together), I vent a little.take it day by day n move on...I won't make any attempts at breaking communication NC.

Edited June 4, 2011 by sinnister

[betterdeal]

I read Lost in the Mirror, and recommend it. Nothing astonishingly new in it, but the writing style and compassion is adorable, and it's a relief to get a compassionate view from a professional therapist who works with BPD sufferers, and doesn't claim to have all the answers.

 

Honestly, as a once very lost soul myself, I feel incredibly for BPD sufferers (both parties). There's a beautiful but very scared child inside who is desperately lonely and lost, and it takes them a lot of courage to come out and play, they frighten easily and lash out ferociously when they feel betrayed. Their bad habits are learned behaviours that are, often, what they perceive other people want then to do, and they are often about distraction from their root unhappiness. They are also frequently massively desensitised and wish for ever harder collisions to make an impact on the false self they have had to construct, in order for the sensation to get through to the real self inside.

 

But they do mellow out with age, and many do find something peaceful and enjoyable to do with their lives. I hope the affection we had gave her the same inspiration it gave me to find that way to a more peaceful life full of love.

[CFM]

Still spending time with my ex. I've just kind of realized I'm not really in a place in my life right now to completely cut out my best friend/ex lover that still wants to be in each other's lives. It's going to be a process for both of us to separate.. I simply don't have enough distractions/support other than her to move on right now. I'm going to see where things go and start seeing a therapist and work on myself. I know my issues played a large role in the relationship and I think as I resolve them it will be easier to detach and build a new life.

 

I guess the main things that bother me at this point are that I am no longer on the pedestal I once was in her head and that her "weekend life" is hard for me to accept. She has always dressed provocatively, but what she was wearing out last night was just crazy to me. Super small/tight booty shorts and a shirt that left almost nothing to the imagination that she planned to wear out to a club with her girl friend. I know when she goes out she seeks a lot of attention from men now and loves it. I guess most women are like that, but she's become pretty slutty about it. She doesn't sleep with anyone right now/says she doesn't plan to for a while, but loves to be a tease. If it's a weekend night and she's not "going out" she will get all upset about having a "boring" life. During the weekdays she's almost the opposite.. she'll stay in all night doing absolutely nothing but facebook and watching television. I feel like it's just her huge urge to feel normal and acceptable. Not really sure where all of it will lead.. just the way she was dressed last night I'd feel embarrassed almost going out with her. (I don't go out with her, her plans fell through with one of her friends and she came to my apartment to hang out instead)

 

Another thing I'm struggling with is her teasing me but not wanting to sleep with me. It's probably not a good idea for us to sleep together right now, but I'm still definitely 100% attracted to her. When she sleeps over, or has me sleep over, she will sleep in bed in booty shorts or sometimes with no underwear at all. She knows full well she turns me on and I want her, and when she does this it almost just feels like she's intentionally torturing me, and I'm not really sure why. She will cuddle up with me and sleep together exactly how we used to. We don't even kiss on the lips anymore, yet her other friend and her do (they see each other once a week max.. she only goes to his house, he's never been to hers). She says it's because there's no emotions or strings attached with him. It makes me feel extremely rejected.. is anyone able to tell me what can be said by her doing this? Does she really want me, but is scared to become attached again? Did she lose her attraction to me? I can't put my finger on it, but it makes me feel really insecure.

 

Overall I just feel like the more nonchalant I act about everything with her.. the more attention she gives me. The more affectionate and caring I act, the less attention she gives me.

 

I know in a way I'm playing with fire, and many of you won't understand.. but I'm just not emotionally/physically in a place right now to let go. In a couple of months things will be very different in my life as I begin working/going to school/meeting new people, be in therapy, and grow more tired of her games.

 

Also just wanted to add that this morning when she woke up she told me she had a dream about our wedding. We went to my country club pool for the day and talked about random stuff. Whenever she refers to having children in the future she always says "our children". This doesn't seem normal for someone to be saying that doesn't want to be together....

Edited June 5, 2011 by CFM

[Downtown]

many of you won't understand.. but I'm just not emotionally/physically in a place right now to let go.

CFM, I understand very well. For us caregivers, breaking away from a BPDer usually is not an event but, rather, a process. Even after my exW had me thrown in jail on a bogus charge so she could evict me from my own home, it still took me another six months to decide for sure to divorce her. And it took more than another year before I decided to go NC. Hopefully, your breaking away process will be quicker. In my case, I had lived with my exW for 15 years and had known her for 40 years. So letting go was difficult. What ultimately freed me was the realization that, when a woman is unable to trust me, I could never really trust her -- not even for a friendship. She simply is not capable of being a true friend to anyone. All LTRs must be built on trust if they are to be sustained.

[CFM]

CFM, I understand very well. For us caregivers, breaking away from a BPDer usually is not an event but, rather, a process. Even after my exW had me thrown in jail on a bogus charge so she could evict me from my own home, it still took me another six months to decide for sure to divorce her. And it took more than another year before I decided to go NC. Hopefully, your breaking away process will be quicker. In my case, I had lived with my exW for 15 years and had known her for 40 years. So letting go was difficult. What ultimately freed me was the realization that, when a woman is unable to trust me, I could never really trust her -- not even for a friendship. She simply is not capable of being a true friend to anyone. All LTRs must be built on trust if they are to be sustained.

 

Thanks for the reply Downtown, and yep.. she doesn't trust me at all. I trust her when we're in a relationship, but she at this point she continually reminds me that we aren't dating and behind closed doors she can do whatever she wants. I'm still very confused by a lot of her actions.. the way she acts with me, what her "friend" really means to her, etc. She still goes through everything in my apartment every time I turn my back. I told her we need to have boundaries as friends and that she can't see my phone/laptop, etc to just investigate. It's sad when I step into my bedroom to change or something and remember my phone is sitting in the kitchen. By the time I realize it and go to get it, she's already been through all of my text messages and call history. She already has degrading nicknames for other women that text me and will bring them up on a regular basis, but also say she's fine with me talking to them and hanging out with them.. she says she "can't be mad" over it. Not sure how true this would be if I actually ever put one of them before her... just not at that point yet with any other female. She literally gets out of control if she thinks I am hiding something and I refuse to reveal it to her and will pretty much do anything to reveal it.

 

It's been a month since I've been back in her life and it's getting gradually easier when I get put on the back burner. It really doesn't happen often, but when it does it still bugs me. She had plans today for example going to a concert that we had gone to together last year. She told me her Saturday plans when we were at lunch last Thursday and saw that I was getting upset thinking about how much fun we had there last year. It made me feel really bad.. realizing that she just doesn't invite me to stuff like that anymore, that she doesn't want to show me off as her boyfriend and instead doesn't want to be seen with me around her friends because she doesn't want to "have to explain what we are". Anyway when she saw how upset I was she decided to cancel her plans spend the day with me instead. I told her I was fine but she insisted.

 

Anyway.. is this her way of detaching from me as well? Can you interpret any of her behavior and what exactly I am to her/her intentions with me in her life? Part of me feels like she wants to wait until I get back in great shape, get my body back, have a stable job, "life" without her, and change the things she's always wanted me to change/claims tore our relationship apart. And, in the meantime she wants to have her fun without completely losing me.. which now is kind of why I think she decided not to sleep with anyone for now, knowing that if she did I would probably be so hurt/angry with her that she might not be able to get me back.

Edited June 5, 2011 by CFM

[Downtown]

Is this her way of detaching from me as well? Can you interpret any of her behavior and what exactly I am to her/her intentions with me in her life?

CFM, if she has strong BPD traits -- as you believe she does -- she has very conflicted feelings about you. Because she cannot tolerate ambiguities and mixed feelings, she will tend to flip back and forth between the polar extremes. Hence, even if you could figure out exactly what she is thinking about you this instant, it will soon be washed aside by the next emotional tide sweeping through her mind. A BPDer reacts strongly to whatever intense feeling she is currently experiencing.

 

It is important for you to disengage emotionally from her as soon as you are able to process it. I therefore suggest you try to refrain from over analyzing what she happens to be thinking from day to day. As an unstable woman, she will be changing her views anyway. I also suggest that you keep reminding yourself that, no matter how intensely she loves you at any point in time, you cannot trust this woman because she can turn on you at any time -- with a vengence.

[CFM]

CFM, if she has strong BPD traits -- as you believe she does -- she has very conflicted feelings about you. Because she cannot tolerate ambiguities and mixed feelings, she will tend to flip back and forth between the polar extremes. Hence, even if you could figure out exactly what she is thinking about you this instant, it will soon be washed aside by the next emotional tide sweeping through her mind. A BPDer reacts strongly to whatever intense feeling she is currently experiencing.

 

It is important for you to disengage emotionally from her as soon as you are able to process it. I therefore suggest you try to refrain from over analyzing what she happens to be thinking from day to day. As an unstable woman, she will be changing her views anyway. I also suggest that you keep reminding yourself that, no matter how intensely she loves you at any point in time, you cannot trust this woman because she can turn on you at any time -- with a vengence.

 

Fair enough. I agree, her actions follow basically what you described. One moment it's all about me, the next she's blowing me off for her "friend" or her facebook life. The life that she puts up a facade with an unreal depiction of who she really is. I just feel like I'm the only "real" relationship in her life other than with her family and a couple of long time girl friends and that at the end of the day I'm who will be on her mind. I know I have to stop feeling like this and stop with the caring and analyzing everything. I'll just keep being a friend and figuring out my future that doesn't include her.

[sinnister]

CFM, if she has strong BPD traits -- as you believe she does -- she has very conflicted feelings about you. Because she cannot tolerate ambiguities and mixed feelings, she will tend to flip back and forth between the polar extremes. Hence, even if you could figure out exactly what she is thinking about you this instant, it will soon be washed aside by the next emotional tide sweeping through her mind. A BPDer reacts strongly to whatever intense feeling she is currently experiencing.

 

It is important for you to disengage emotionally from her as soon as you are able to process it. I therefore suggest you try to refrain from over analyzing what she happens to be thinking from day to day. As an unstable woman, she will be changing her views anyway. I also suggest that you keep reminding yourself that, no matter how intensely she loves you at any point in time, you cannot trust this woman because she can turn on you at any time -- with a vengence.

 

Totally agree with everything said...you have to set your boundaries and not be afraid to let her disappear out of your life if she breaks them. Easier said than done, I know..but she is acting like your girlfriend when you're not even together...practically playing the role of stalker...she doesn't want you to be independently happy. Trust me, the minute that fades..that insecurity fades by something..she will be even more lethal with her punishment of you. How she's acting now is not indicative over her feelings. She simply has the emotional depth/wants of an educated 7 year old. When she blackens you, it will hurt a thousand times worse cause of the "teasing" of this period, and the double standard when she makes you out to be a monster when she feels conflicted. Disengage this cycle..I know it must feel so f--king good..but this can't last..one of you will challenge her..or she's using you two b/f either picking or a third/fourth/fifth party comes. She's beautifu..but no one is this cute.

[sinnister]

I read Lost in the Mirror, and recommend it. Nothing astonishingly new in it, but the writing style and compassion is adorable, and it's a relief to get a compassionate view from a professional therapist who works with BPD sufferers, and doesn't claim to have all the answers.

 

Honestly, as a once very lost soul myself, I feel incredibly for BPD sufferers (both parties). There's a beautiful but very scared child inside who is desperately lonely and lost, and it takes them a lot of courage to come out and play, they frighten easily and lash out ferociously when they feel betrayed. Their bad habits are learned behaviours that are, often, what they perceive other people want then to do, and they are often about distraction from their root unhappiness. They are also frequently massively desensitised and wish for ever harder collisions to make an impact on the false self they have had to construct, in order for the sensation to get through to the real self inside.

 

But they do mellow out with age, and many do find something peaceful and enjoyable to do with their lives. I hope the affection we had gave her the same inspiration it gave me to find that way to a more peaceful life full of love.

 

I wish someone could tell me if they actually develop a conscience at some point. To combine this with DT's points..the thing that hurts/scars me the most isn't the breakup..but the attempt to destroy my entire reputation b/c she got petrified...the situation/her love was ambiguous...actions never met words...and she tried to destroy my life to simply run/disappear/or make me never want to talk to her again. I wonder what creates their lucid moments..cause this is like acid to my soul..to be told and expected to be something some person for so long and was (no, she didn't make me anything..I was simply who I am, that she loved consistently) loved for that then hated for the exact same things...destroyed once the "conflict" started. Coupled by family that reacts to minor problems the exact same way..and have estranged me for it...it just bottoms out that trust. I just really want to think this is just an act...

[betterdeal]

CFM, you are being abused. Stop it.

[betterdeal]

I wish someone could tell me if they actually develop a conscience at some point. To combine this with DT's points..the thing that hurts/scars me the most isn't the breakup..but the attempt to destroy my entire reputation b/c she got petrified...the situation/her love was ambiguous...actions never met words...and she tried to destroy my life to simply run/disappear/or make me never want to talk to her again. I wonder what creates their lucid moments..cause this is like acid to my soul..to be told and expected to be something some person for so long and was (no, she didn't make me anything..I was simply who I am, that she loved consistently) loved for that then hated for the exact same things...destroyed once the "conflict" started. Coupled by family that reacts to minor problems the exact same way..and have estranged me for it...it just bottoms out that trust. I just really want to think this is just an act...

 

If other people take her word and judge you based on that, they've not given you a fair trial, and that's their problem, not yours. So long as you know you were the best you could be at that time, and everything you did, said, felt was for a genuine reason, you can be your own judge and be satisfied with yourself, if you want to.

 

She is doing the best she can to make herself feel good. It's harmful to you, but that's what she's doing. The badmouthing and flip flopping between clear, unambiguous, single emotions (love and hate) are maladaptive coping mechanisms - a coping mechanism that is ineffective at making her feel good or of improving her lot in life. She's cutting off her nose to spite her face.

 

Ruminating over why she does anything is not making you feel good. It is hurting you. Rather than try to rationalise her behaviour in detail, you will do better to process the feelings you have from the trauma. You have post traumatic stress.

 

The good news is, you are not in that traumatic situation any more. You no longer have to be alert, always trying to keep up with the capricious whims of a mercurial nymph. Look around you now - is everything where you left it? Yes. The desk, your keys, your personal effects, are all where you left them.

 

Your life is a hell of a lot more stable now. You're in a much safer place now. It's okay to let the hurt out, to let your inner child protest the pain it felt, and for the inner adult to acknowledge - just simply acknowledge - the protest.

 

You can let go now.

Edited June 5, 2011 by betterdeal

[betterdeal]

In my case, she warned me that she was complicated, during the phase when I was still chasing her. I accepted this and continued to dance with her. I didn't really face up to just how complicated I am too. Many of my complications held me back, and hurt her too. Dealing with my complications, my issues, has made my life clearer, more simple, more liveable.

 

Being out of that relationship has given me the space and time in which to do that. Being in that relationship gave me the impetus to do it. I am profoundly thankful to her for helping raise my level of consciousness.

 

I still have anger, and affection, and a whole range of other emotions that made her the fully formed, multidimensional person that I know. But the anger is subsiding as my self-confidence grows, and I deal with other more immediate relationship issues, such as with friends, neighbours and family. Knowing more who I am, I am much better able to represent myself in those relationships, and that's a precious thing to have.

 

It's not what you've lost; it's what you find.

 

Edited June 5, 2011 by betterdeal

[Art_Critic]

sinnister..

 

After doing some reading on your breakup I have to say you have been thru it.. but dude you are being controlled right now by your owns thoughts and you are acting like an obsessed teenager..

 

Restraining orders alone would have been enough for the normal person to go away and move on.

 

I mean this with all respect..

 

You need to stop trying to figure out what is wrong with her.. BPD or not it won't change the fact that you need to pick up the pieces and move on..

You need to start to figure out why you haven't moved on.. it has been many months you broke up but your anger and obsession are still there like it happened yesterday..

 

I would suggest that you need to seek some help and talk with someone about it all at this point.

[WTRanger]

Still spending time with my ex. I've just kind of realized I'm not really in a place in my life right now to completely cut out my best friend/ex lover that still wants to be in each other's lives. It's going to be a process for both of us to separate.. I simply don't have enough distractions/support other than her to move on right now. I'm going to see where things go and start seeing a therapist and work on myself. I know my issues played a large role in the relationship and I think as I resolve them it will be easier to detach and build a new life.

 

I guess the main things that bother me at this point are that I am no longer on the pedestal I once was in her head and that her "weekend life" is hard for me to accept. She has always dressed provocatively, but what she was wearing out last night was just crazy to me. Super small/tight booty shorts and a shirt that left almost nothing to the imagination that she planned to wear out to a club with her girl friend. I know when she goes out she seeks a lot of attention from men now and loves it. I guess most women are like that, but she's become pretty slutty about it. She doesn't sleep with anyone right now/says she doesn't plan to for a while, but loves to be a tease. If it's a weekend night and she's not "going out" she will get all upset about having a "boring" life. During the weekdays she's almost the opposite.. she'll stay in all night doing absolutely nothing but facebook and watching television. I feel like it's just her huge urge to feel normal and acceptable. Not really sure where all of it will lead.. just the way she was dressed last night I'd feel embarrassed almost going out with her. (I don't go out with her, her plans fell through with one of her friends and she came to my apartment to hang out instead)

 

Another thing I'm struggling with is her teasing me but not wanting to sleep with me. It's probably not a good idea for us to sleep together right now, but I'm still definitely 100% attracted to her. When she sleeps over, or has me sleep over, she will sleep in bed in booty shorts or sometimes with no underwear at all. She knows full well she turns me on and I want her, and when she does this it almost just feels like she's intentionally torturing me, and I'm not really sure why. She will cuddle up with me and sleep together exactly how we used to. We don't even kiss on the lips anymore, yet her other friend and her do (they see each other once a week max.. she only goes to his house, he's never been to hers). She says it's because there's no emotions or strings attached with him. It makes me feel extremely rejected.. is anyone able to tell me what can be said by her doing this? Does she really want me, but is scared to become attached again? Did she lose her attraction to me? I can't put my finger on it, but it makes me feel really insecure.

 

Overall I just feel like the more nonchalant I act about everything with her.. the more attention she gives me. The more affectionate and caring I act, the less attention she gives me.

 

I know in a way I'm playing with fire, and many of you won't understand.. but I'm just not emotionally/physically in a place right now to let go. In a couple of months things will be very different in my life as I begin working/going to school/meeting new people, be in therapy, and grow more tired of her games.

 

Also just wanted to add that this morning when she woke up she told me she had a dream about our wedding. We went to my country club pool for the day and talked about random stuff. Whenever she refers to having children in the future she always says "our children". This doesn't seem normal for someone to be saying that doesn't want to be together....

 

First off, this girl sounds like she's got a few screws loose. I know it's easier for me to say you should do this and that, because I'm not in your shoes. I'm an observer and it's always easier to dictate actions rather than to actually execute those actions.

 

However, she's not torturing you. You are torturing yourself. Yes, this girl has problems. But you enable her behavior towards you by allowing yourself to be in these situations knowing full and well that the outcome is going to hurt. Every time you sleep over or she sleeps with you, you enable her to tease you like she does. You enable her to treat you like a third rate human being. You clearly don't like being treated this way and you know what she's doing is wrong, yet you are afraid to remove yourself completely from the situation. This is an abusive relationship, make no mistake about it. And emotional abuse is the worst form of abuse.

 

This is no different that if you were to turn on your stove and put your hand on the burner. Then complain how hot it is and how much pain it's causing but refuse to remove your hand from the burner. Yes, she's messing with you but you are enabling her to do so.

 

I understand you are scared or hesitant to move on, but she's never going to change back. If she has BPD, that's one of the key rules you must accept that it'll never go back to the way it was. Either you move on now, or you'll never move on. The "I'll move on in a couple of months when things are better" is a classic excuse that addicts say all of the time. Yes, you are an addict. You are addicted to this girl. You don't want to admit that you are strong enough to let her go. You just have a fear about it. Which, is natural. But you need to just get rid of this girl.

 

You'll never grow tired of her games. If you haven't had enough by now, what's your limit? She knows what she's doing and she'll give you just enough of her fix to always keep you hooked. She is your drug of choice. She'll give you enough high's to always keep you lurking around, seeking that next fix.

 

Instead of figuring out why the square peg won't fit in the round hole, just accept that it'll never fit, it's clearly not a good match.

[betterdeal]

I'll add that you have the right to leave a relationship. You will be okay. You will feel relief when you end it, and you will get past this. Stop the harm being done to your emotional self. Take very good care of your self.

[CFM]

I woke up this morning feeling pissed off and resentful. She didn't even bother texting me during her evening out last night. She sure as hell can't go a night with me without texting half of the ****ing world. I spoke with my sister, she thinks I'm completely nuts for talking to the girl at this point, much less seeing her in person. Just been thinking about all I have done & continue to do for this ungrateful girl who walks all over me. So ironic that she always had issues with my family because she said I let them walk on me.

 

She's called me 4 times and texted 3 times throughout the day.. haven't picked up or replied to anything. "Are you okay?" .. Haha.. she's DESTROYING me, knows full well, then has the nerve to ask if I'm "okay". **** it. Today I just did my own thing and had just as much fun as I would with her, doing whatever she wants. I know I can do fine on my own, just need to stop convincing myself she actually cares about me at all anymore. If I can stay this angry/annoyed at her for a while I should have no problem with zero contact.

Edited June 5, 2011 by CFM

[Downtown]

If I can stay this angry/annoyed at her for a while I should have no problem with zero contact.

Finally! At this point, anger is your friend. Hold onto it like a crutch that can help you walk away from this toxic relationship. After you've been well away for six months or so, you can safely kick it aside. But, now, anger is your friend, CFM.

[Desensitized]

Finally! At this point, anger is your friend. Hold onto it like a crutch that can help you walk away from this toxic relationship. After you've been well away for six months or so, you can safely kick it aside. But, now, anger is your friend, CFM.

 

Downtown, is certainly on point with using anger to your advantage. I remember when I broke up with my BPD ex-fiancee, I used all the anger I had bottled up to get me through the first couple weeks of resisting to get back together with her. You can do this, use the anger as your weapon, and like Downtown said, you can kick the anger aside when you are ready. Don't give in, please. Hours will seem like days without her, days will seem like weeks without her, and weeks will feel like months without her - it gets easier, though, trust me.

 

You will have low points in your life as that is inevitable, but please, seek guidance when you're thinking about crawling back to her.

[CFM]

Thanks for the comments and support. I am continuing no contact tonight.. She has called about 8 times throughout the day and has texted multiple times. Her most recent (past midnight) she asked if I'm okay and that she's getting worried.. so I assume sooner or later she will stop by to make sure I'm still breathing. How should I go about telling her I'm fine without breaking NC? Should I reply and tell her I'm fine, not to worry, or just let her worry and not get a full night of sleep like I have been for the last month?

[sinnister]

sinnister..

 

After doing some reading on your breakup I have to say you have been thru it.. but dude you are being controlled right now by your owns thoughts and you are acting like an obsessed teenager..

 

Restraining orders alone would have been enough for the normal person to go away and move on.

 

I mean this with all respect..

 

You need to stop trying to figure out what is wrong with her.. BPD or not it won't change the fact that you need to pick up the pieces and move on..

You need to start to figure out why you haven't moved on.. it has been many months you broke up but your anger and obsession are still there like it happened yesterday..

 

I would suggest that you need to seek some help and talk with someone about it all at this point.

There's a long history of BPDers using the law on their side to try to hide behind cowardice/petrified mind states. It's not harassment as the officer said if you have email/verbal proof that you weren't in the wrong n just sought clarification...which is why she dropped the charge. Say what you will to beat up my character..I forgive u n HB..but get your facts straight first. I was invited there so we can talk..she booked the hotel rooms for me and we had things planned out. Before I arrived she got insane and flaky making up a fake kidnapping situation where she acted distraught that a dude she got a ride from didn't let her out of the car and attributed that to the stress I put her under (which I didn't, she was conflicted btw 2 men is all). She took it to an insane level which I've never seen before n very rarely from people I'd trusted and trusted me with so much..when there she completely stood me up after spending thousands to set up the talk we agreed on to discuss the situation she made and was put in to lead us to this place. 3k plus..which I could've put towards my future but she was worth far more than that...people act weird under pressure sometimes...she knows she lost the plot.

 

I really dont need the negativity on this. I don't have to answer for you..people have told me nearly the same w/out the darts at my character, and if this is who I am...why the hell would I advice people not to go down that road...every bit of advice was trying to advise people how to let go and when they're dealing with a no-win situation. If I was what you're trying to portray, I wouldn't listen to the advice of others that been through the same thing.

 

I'm still indebted to your priceless advice.

Edited June 6, 2011 by sinnister

[Desensitized]

Thanks for the comments and support. I am continuing no contact tonight.. She has called about 8 times throughout the day and has texted multiple times. Her most recent (past midnight) she asked if I'm okay and that she's getting worried.. so I assume sooner or later she will stop by to make sure I'm still breathing. How should I go about telling her I'm fine without breaking NC? Should I reply and tell her I'm fine, not to worry, or just let her worry and not get a full night of sleep like I have been for the last month?

 

Just don't say anything. As soon as she gets the satisfaction of you letting her know that you're okay, you've lost. Don't do it for the "power" per se, but do it because you NEED to move on.

Edited June 6, 2011 by Desensitized

[betterdeal]

Thanks for the comments and support. I am continuing no contact tonight.. She has called about 8 times throughout the day and has texted multiple times. Her most recent (past midnight) she asked if I'm okay and that she's getting worried.. so I assume sooner or later she will stop by to make sure I'm still breathing. How should I go about telling her I'm fine without breaking NC? Should I reply and tell her I'm fine, not to worry, or just let her worry and not get a full night of sleep like I have been for the last month?

 

You can do what you like. It doesn't matter if she cares about you. It matters if you care about you. How about being assertive? What do you want? Her to leave you alone. So how about saying that?

 

"Leave me alone, I have nothing to say to you."

 

Say it loud and proud. You are going to protect yourself by sheer force of will. This is what anger is for. It is a secondary emotion that occurs after fear or sorrow. Used wisely, anger is a great tool to get you out of bad situations.

 

Read the guide I wrote about life after deciding on NC. Do change your phone number, block Facebook, email &c. You have reached the end of your tether. Time to put a clear line between you and her, between you and the past. Is over (finally!)

 

I find it interesting that you say she thought you are a pushover with your family. I'd work on that if I were you. You clearly are a pushover because you are miserable but you are still letting her make you miserable. Don't worry, I know exactly how that feels. I was the same. You try to be nice to people and it all goes tits up. They overstep the mark and you aren't sure how to tell them to back off without offending them. That sort of thing. Once you have got rid of this annoying problem i.e. her, you can work on being more assertive. It takes time to change fundamentally, and time is what you will have once you are out of this relationship.

[CFM]

You can do what you like. It doesn't matter if she cares about you. It matters if you care about you. How about being assertive? What do you want? Her to leave you alone. So how about saying that?

 

"Leave me alone, I have nothing to say to you."

 

Say it loud and proud. You are going to protect yourself by sheer force of will. This is what anger is for. It is a secondary emotion that occurs after fear or sorrow. Used wisely, anger is a great tool to get you out of bad situations.

 

Read the guide I wrote about life after deciding on NC. Do change your phone number, block Facebook, email &c. You have reached the end of your tether. Time to put a clear line between you and her, between you and the past. Is over (finally!)

 

I find it interesting that you say she thought you are a pushover with your family. I'd work on that if I were you. You clearly are a pushover because you are miserable but you are still letting her make you miserable. Don't worry, I know exactly how that feels. I was the same. You try to be nice to people and it all goes tits up. They overstep the mark and you aren't sure how to tell them to back off without offending them. That sort of thing. Once you have got rid of this annoying problem i.e. her, you can work on being more assertive. It takes time to change fundamentally, and time is what you will have once you are out of this relationship.

 

I've said things like that to her before and the NC hasn't lasted. This time I'm just over it and done. She can drive by my apartment until she notices that my car is there one day and not the other and come to the determination that I'm still alive.

 

As for the pushover comment I agree and disagree. Her issue with my family revolved around a couple of times me lending them money during some financial strain. I was a single guy without many bills with deployment money, so at the time I did have money to help them out, which was paid back in full in due time. Her issue with it revolved around control I believe. She would attack my mother (to me) saying that if they need money so badly she should get a job. My family is not a welfare family or anything, my mother is a stay at home mom (raised four children) and my father went from being a minister, to medical school (at age 42), and is now a doctor. Financial issues were temporary and revolved around some poor choices with housing. Anyway, the point is I don't really consider myself a pushover. I'll go out of my way and help people and perhaps go a little above and beyond for those few that I truly care about, but not much more than that. I just found it ironic that she's been the main person walking over me for the last few years and she would point it out elsewhere without noticing her own actions. With her on the other hand, I have admittedly been a pushover, but I think it's largely due to blaming myself for where our relationship now is. With the discovery of BPD some of that guilt has waned, but it's still there, because at times I really did not treat her the way I should have; not that did not commit her fair share of crimes in our relationship. Just the feeling of "things wouldn't have gotten THIS bad" if I hadn't done this or that bothers me. At other times I would just always find myself giving in to her because I knew it wasn't worth the huge battle that she would turn it into. Deep down I love her, but right now I need to push that love aside and remind myself constantly that the way she treats me is not fair and I do not deserve it, regardless of my mistakes in the past.

 

As for the guide, I'll take a look, thanks.

Edited June 6, 2011 by CFM

[betterdeal]

There's a long history of BPDers using the law on their side to try to hide behind cowardice/petrified mind states. It's not harassment as the officer said if you have email/verbal proof that you weren't in the wrong n just sought clarification...which is why she dropped the charge. Say what you will to beat up my character..I forgive u n HB..but get your facts straight first. I was invited there so we can talk..she booked the hotel rooms for me and we had things planned out. Before I arrived she got insane and flaky making up a fake kidnapping situation where she acted distraught that a dude she got a ride from didn't let her out of the car and attributed that to the stress I put her under (which I didn't, she was conflicted btw 2 men is all). She took it to an insane level which I've never seen before n very rarely from people I'd trusted and trusted me with so much..when there she completely stood me up after spending thousands to set up the talk we agreed on to discuss the situation she made and was put in to lead us to this place. 3k plus..which I could've put towards my future but she was worth far more than that...people act weird under pressure sometimes...she knows she lost the plot.

 

I really dont need the negativity on this. I don't have to answer for you..people have told me nearly the same w/out the darts at my character, and if this is who I am...why the hell would I advice people not to go down that road...every bit of advice was trying to advise people how to let go and when they're dealing with a no-win situation. If I was what you're trying to portray, I wouldn't listen to the advice of others that been through the same thing.

 

I'm still indebted to your priceless advice.

 

I think Art has a point in that you do come across as quite bristly, as though you anger easily. I also think moving on is the long game, but I also think that understanding her better, from wider and wider perspectives as time goes by, can help us to understand (a) what went on and (b) ourselves better, and that helps us to move on.

 

Whilst hyper-vigilance against threats and subsequent snappiness at me, Art et al is an understandable defence mechanism, especially after a particularly traumatic interpersonal relationship where the abuse was mainly emotional, there are better ways to ensure you feel and are safe, secure, confident.

 

This can have positive effects externally. For instance, if someone attacks you, you defend yourself, then they report you to the police and make up a story, the police only have (a) the report (b) any past record of interaction with the police and © how you behave and what you say when they are dealing with you, to judge whether you're the bad guy in this. If you're blowing the lid at them, no matter what the truth is, they see an angry guy, have a report of an angry guy being violent, and put 2 and 2 together and come up with 5.

 

One of the great things about LS is you can practice and learn so much by interacting with different people in different states of mind here, find things that trigger your fear response inside, experiment with different ways to react, apply the assertiveness techniques you learn from books, and all the while, we're not in your real life, so you can vent, make mistakes, switch off, try again and so on.

 

It's been an invaluable tool for me in that sense. I have found posters here who's writing style and ways of responding to aggression I like, and I learn from them. You can too, if you like.