Restoring lines of communication

[fltc]

JMK sez: "There's no point in going around and around in circles."

 

And now I have agreed with him TWICE. We may have to get a room if this progresses....

 

I just had a really weird communications idea, is DoneWrong reading this forum still? If not, maybe if she did she'd know better what you're saying than she does by listening to you7?

[Donewrong]

Lexygirl.

 

The time you became friends with my husband(WN) he was on a dating site looking for someone else and you were looking to have an affair on your husband and I was having an affair. When he went to Montreal on business, I actually thought he was gone to spend a week with you and I knew about that dating site during that time!!

 

We have decided to reconcile but to do that all contact with the OM and OW needed to stop. That includes other women that he met from that dating site also. If you are not a friend of the marriage (both myself and WN) then you have to stop contact. I have asked you before in private to not contact my husband anymore and you said you wouldn't even through loveshack. You told me you understood and you would not! Well he informed me today that you had posted to him even though I had asked you to not. I gave you the respect to go to you in private before when you did this... again you decide to go against our wishes and contact him.

 

WN told me to deal with it ..he didn't want anything to do with you. There was another lady on loveshack that communication went too far even after our reconciliation but when I found out and confronted WN he dealt with it and told the other lady to not contact him anymore that the line of communication was inappropriate and guess what she didn’t not via text or on loveshack. She respected our wishes! I appreciate your input but stop. If you were a friend you would back off and respect our wishes as well. We don't need anymore triggers about a time that we are trying to work through. I do believe posting to him on a public forum is a form of contact and so again I ask you to stop contact with my husband!

[2sure]

My H and I didnt make it. That being said, during the process of attempting to save our marriage and attending therapy both together and alone - I learned a couple of things about communication that I really value. In a nutshell:

 

Be emotionally honest. Say exactly what you mean and how you feel. Please do not go on and on. Think about how you feel , what you want, and then figure out how to say it right. Dont shoot from the hip, really give it some thought. Also, what do you want the result of the conversation or statement to your spouse to be? Do you want a result, do you want a response? Dont have a preconceived notion of an expected response that will be a disappointment if you dont get it.

 

The next thing that I know sounds silly but the whole concept is really useful in relationships:

 

The ways that I want to be shown or receive love, attention, and thoughtfulness might not be the same ways that my partner does.

For example, maybe he thinks that by doing the laundry he is showing he cares...when in reality, I think thats just part of his life and if Im asked to appreciate it...would piss me off. Or a wife that when she is feeling very in love with her spouse, shows him so by making an elaborate meal. Its nice, but it may not be a big deal to him. Maybe he would more appreciate time alone. I mean, the things that make each of us happy are very different - they dont need to be the same.

[John Michael Kane]

Lexygirl.

 

The time you became friends with my husband(WN) he was on a dating site looking for someone else and you were looking to have an affair on your husband and I was having an affair. When he went to Montreal on business, I actually thought he was gone to spend a week with you and I knew about that dating site during that time!!

 

We have decided to reconcile but to do that all contact with the OM and OW needed to stop. That includes other women that he met from that dating site also. If you are not a friend of the marriage (both myself and WN) then you have to stop contact. I have asked you before in private to not contact my husband anymore and you said you wouldn't even through loveshack. You told me you understood and you would not! Well he informed me today that you had posted to him even though I had asked you to not. I gave you the respect to go to you in private before when you did this... again you decide to go against our wishes and contact him.

 

WN told me to deal with it ..he didn't want anything to do with you. There was another lady on loveshack that communication went too far even after our reconciliation but when I found out and confronted WN he dealt with it and told the other lady to not contact him anymore that the line of communication was inappropriate and guess what she didn’t not via text or on loveshack. She respected our wishes! I appreciate your input but stop. If you were a friend you would back off and respect our wishes as well. We don't need anymore triggers about a time that we are trying to work through. I do believe posting to him on a public forum is a form of contact and so again I ask you to stop contact with my husband!

 

Whoa hold up hold up! WN is now having online affairs with women of LS? Honestly you guys just need to separate and divorce because obviously this is not going to stop. Someone cheating and they cheat along with the arguments of one another trying to get the upper hand and it just keeps going around and around.

[What_Next]

Thank you to every one who made some suggestions. I have taken them to heart and I have began my own improvements to how I communicate. We'll see how that turns out. I think one of the key factors on my side is my ability to listen, which still needs a TONNE of work.

 

Tojaz, I want to specifically address your post as it actually annoyed me in a way. I will first say that you have been a great inspiration to me over the time I have spent here on LS. You have helped me through a VERY tough time in my life. I appreciate that. However, your post both intrigued me and ticked me off. Sure I know I am stubborn, hell I think we ALL are in a way, however you paint me as a person that is unwilling to listen and unwilling to accept advice. That is simply NOT true. Also, your mentioning my original thread is somewhat ironic as you are a large part of the reason why I let it lapse. You saw things your way, you often wouldn't even listen to what I had to say. Like I said I appreciate all the time and effort you have put into replying to me, but I don't appreciate character assassination.

 

I love my wife very much, that has not changed, that has not waivered. I care for her more than any other person on this earth. We have been through an extremely tough period in our relationship, one that might eventually cause us to go our seperate ways. However, that will be a decision we BOTH have to make, for now we are going to continue to work on our relationship and fight for it if need be.

[fltc]

so again I ask you to stop contact with my husband!

 

Nice to see you here again.

 

LS will let you add a member to your ignore list, WN can add her if he wants to do so.

 

Click on My Profile/CP and you'll see "Edit Ignore List" on the left side.

[Surfer203]

Lexy sounds like a trouble maker. I will ignore any posts from her on my thread. Donewrong, yes - nice to see you back here.. hoping you two find some peace, whatever that means to both of you.

[Donewrong]

Nice to see you here again.

 

LS will let you add a member to your ignore list, WN can add her if he wants to do so.

 

Click on My Profile/CP and you'll see "Edit Ignore List" on the left side.

 

Thank you fltc. I've always been around. I actually do alot of my own research by reading threads on LS. I don't post as it got really weird with both WN and I posting. He had formed bonds with alot of people on here and well it is his way of working through this. Plus I like to keep updated on how some people are doing on here such as Surfer.

 

Actually WN said he added her to his ignore list this morning after he saw that she posted. Just irritating. She said before she forgot WN asked her to not contact him. So I nicely asked her to stop again. Then she did it again??!?!? Did she forget again? Anyway..so not worth it. I said my peace to her.

[Surfer203]

Thanks for checking in on me Donewrong, I appreciate the thought.

[Donewrong]

Lexy sounds like a trouble maker. I will ignore any posts from her on my thread. Donewrong, yes - nice to see you back here.. hoping you two find some peace, whatever that means to both of you.

 

Thanks Surfer. It has been a long time since we spoke although I do keep up on your thread because I really do hope things work out for you. I genuinely do.

 

As for Lexy. No please don't ignore any posts from her. I didn't post it as a way bash her. I posted because doing it privately didn't seem to get through to her. I don't think she is a troublemaker. I just don't think she gets it!

 

I pray each day we find peace. I hope it's together but one thing I have come to realize if his peace means without me...than I accept that!

[Surfer203]

Yeah, it has been a while - I appreciate your thoughts - trying my best to make my situation work out.

 

Gotcha - understood about Lexy.

 

Sorry for the threadjack.. and as always I wish you guys both the best! WN has always been a good friend of mine, we shared our situations and he offered his ear up for me. You were very kind and encouraging during the start of my situation and I appreciate that.

 

Best of luck!

[tojaz]

 

Tojaz, I want to specifically address your post as it actually annoyed me in a way. I will first say that you have been a great inspiration to me over the time I have spent here on LS. You have helped me through a VERY tough time in my life. I appreciate that. However, your post both intrigued me and ticked me off. Sure I know I am stubborn, hell I think we ALL are in a way, however you paint me as a person that is unwilling to listen and unwilling to accept advice. That is simply NOT true. Also, your mentioning my original thread is somewhat ironic as you are a large part of the reason why I let it lapse. You saw things your way, you often wouldn't even listen to what I had to say. Like I said I appreciate all the time and effort you have put into replying to me, but I don't appreciate character assassination.

 

I love my wife very much, that has not changed, that has not waivered. I care for her more than any other person on this earth. We have been through an extremely tough period in our relationship, one that might eventually cause us to go our seperate ways. However, that will be a decision we BOTH have to make, for now we are going to continue to work on our relationship and fight for it if need be.

 

No character assassination there WN, nor did I paint you as anything more then what you yourself stated stated, which was that you could be stubborn. Not once did I express that you had an unwillingness to listen or to take advice, to be honest, aside from us going back and fourth on occasion, I have never thought that of you.

 

What I will say is that you do have a tendency to swing to extremes and this post is a good example. A small, on topic bit of criticism that you yourself have admitted has become character assassination! You listened to every word i wrote, but you ddin't "hear" what I had said, although it was just as I wrote it. Believe me, if I had any negative thoughts toward you or thought for a second you weren't listening, I wouldn't bother posting, the flip side of that is, if I'm being a real thorn in someones side, it means I feel pretty strongly about their situation.

 

Sometimes we are so coiled up to jump to our own defense, we find ourselves jumping at shadows, that can be a major roadblock in communication as well.

 

TOJAZ

[What_Next]

Actually tojaz the reality is that I did in fact look at the link you had provided. They are all applicable of course, as they are from the MC 101 handbook. At least one of them did resound with me and I have taken it to heart, so your assumption that I did not "hear" you is incorrect.

 

Perhaps it is not only I that has issues springing to ones own defense. .

[tojaz]

Actually tojaz the reality is that I did in fact look at the link you had provided. They are all applicable of course, as they are from the MC 101 handbook. At least one of them did resound with me and I have taken it to heart, so your assumption that I did not "hear" you is incorrect.

 

Perhaps it is not only I that has issues springing to ones own defense. .

 

My reference is that where I "said" stubborn, you "heard" "unwilling to listen or take advice" none of which I have said, you superimposed that definition over my words. A definition that wasn't there.

 

Imagine that sort of thing in an emotionally charged environment when someones guard is naturally already up! Its something that happens, and also something that is important to keep in mind when things are stressful.

 

It is good excercise for anyone to slow down and take a look when they feel the town of a conversation has changed and see why they feel that way and maybe ask if they heard or took something wrong to get to that point or to maybe ask some questions to put their mind at ease.

 

 

Tojaz, Like I said I appreciate all the time and effort you have put into replying to me, but I don't appreciate character assassination.

 

Tojaz, are you saying that I can't listen to people or take advice?!! Cuz i don't think thats the case!

 

Which one would be more conducive to healthy communication? Doesn't mean much between you and I on this forum, but in more delicate situations, it can mean a lot.

 

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

It is good excercise for anyone to slow down and take a look when they feel the town of a conversation has changed

 

TOWN????? WTF! Lets try tone, I like that better!

[updown]

if you both love each other as much as you say you do, i highly recommend the fighting for your marriage book. it's about strengthening what you already have, as well as avoiding the pitfalls that can lead to affairs and separation/ divorce.

 

it's not just a sit and read book. you have to DO what they teach you in order for it to work. it's a book about techniques not just thoughts and theories and what not.

 

you practice empathy and validation. and make sure that you are heard and you are hearing your partner. if you don't want to spend the money, see if there is a way to check it out at a library or something like that......

[sweetlife]

Oh my gosh, had all the thread type and ready to be submitted and it log me out. Any ways, been a dedicated reader of LS but post very little. Some of you might had read my story and from very little details that I had posted and explain my situation, it is been good to read here and give me some insight of my H thinking,. Thank you all for replying on my thread and to everyone that share their story. Having a hard time understanding why H. feel responsible for the OM knowing that real reason to why the A. continue. Just to explain a little further, and for you to know more details so you can give me some input. Working with the OM we became good friends but recognizing where the mistake started, it was due to the two of us sharing intimate things from both of our spouses (I am very ashamed of that). Now, it has been nine mo since d day and as most people have share here, there is days that go good and others that we go back to zero. It is getting very frustrating for both of us because i still come across continuing to be selfish and hate myself for that. The least thing I want to do is keep offending my H. but how do I do it. Focusing on what I don’t do gets me in trouble again and again. Here is how and I get him upset by my answers. Having explain the reason for the A. which was poor sex life(yes, I know that I should of spoken about it and not make such poor decisions). H bring up the subject a lot and it sounds like he is blaming himself for that. I tried to explain that he is not to blame at all for my doing and that even when he wanted to know a reason which I was not telling him(not b’se, I did not want to tell him) but precisely due to the reason that I did not wanted him to blame himself for it. I don’t know if I’m making since here…but is there another way to not put it ?

 

Another thing that i cant seem to make him feel is that there is no contact at all with the om. I’ve offer to put a key logger on the computer, to check my email, to put a track devise on my car but he does not want to. It seems as if he wants to desperately trust me but does not want to be pro-active with the things that he could do. I mess up big time again after A because after I started reading here on LS, I know that it was only fair to do what he would ask of me to do with out any hesitations(I keep on messing up again). Now, there is a new thing he is asking me to do. He wants me to call the om and tell him why I kept going with the A after the 1st,2nd ,3rd and so on times. I ask him why(so know I am making him more upset) because I asked why to call the om. So why does he want me to call the om? His reason is: the other man deserves to know the true.. but why is his mind does he feel responsible for what the om deserves or not?

Please forgive me for this been so long and hope I make sense because if I don’t then there is no wonder why my H can’t understand me either.… any body with any input is welcome, and thank you in advance for it

[Lexygirl]

Donewrong... I can see how the communication problems can be an issue there lol.... You obviously didn't read my post very well. I don't care if you jump off a bridge lol.....

[Lexygirl]

Some ppl are just not worth the effort

[John Michael Kane]

Some ppl are just not worth the effort

 

Honestly you're doing nothing but causing more trouble to an already unstable relationship. Seriously it would be very wise to back off and deal with your own marriage.

[Surfer203]

Honestly Lexy.. you are acting like a child. I suggest you stop posting to this or any thread by WN or DW and don't message them privately. They are going through a hard time trying to repair their marriage and you are not helping that's for sure.

[bigmomma1974]

I was reading this thread and its horrible when someone has an affiar and a relationship is struggling. I came across a thread that a friend of mine posted and i felt she gave excellent advice. I also see that the man who wrote this wife didnt much like her commenting on his thread. This is an open forum and people are going to post. Sorry if the friendship Lexy had with your husband threathens you ma'am but you do know that they didnt have a sexual relationship don't you? I do not want to cause any problems I just want to make it clear that so everyone is aware that Lexy and mr. what_next never ever had a sexual relationship, they were only friends and helped each other out alot when both where struggling with issues. Lexi and I are really really good friends so I just wanted everyone that reads this to be aware there wasnt a sexual relationship involved. As for mr.what_next and his wife i wish you both the best and hope things improve for you. Good luck to both of you!

[John Michael Kane]

I was reading this thread and its horrible when someone has an affiar and a relationship is struggling. I came across a thread that a friend of mine posted and i felt she gave excellent advice. I also see that the man who wrote this wife didnt much like her commenting on his thread. This is an open forum and people are going to post. Sorry if the friendship Lexy had with your husband threathens you ma'am but you do know that they didnt have a sexual relationship don't you? I do not want to cause any problems I just want to make it clear that so everyone is aware that Lexy and mr. what_next never ever had a sexual relationship, they were only friends and helped each other out alot when both where struggling with issues. Lexi and I are really really good friends so I just wanted everyone that reads this to be aware there wasnt a sexual relationship involved. As for mr.what_next and his wife i wish you both the best and hope things improve for you. Good luck to both of you!

 

Of course she can post but she's been having an online emotional affair with her husband, and it would be best to just stop talking to him. Just because they didn't actually have sex doesn't mean the contact between those two is okay. She has her own issues to deal with anyway. If you're really good friends with her you would advice her to back off. Real friends have boundaries.

[What_Next]

Now hold the phone right there. Insulting my wife is NOT going to stand. Period. End of story. Some people are not worth the effort? Umm let's get something staight, Donewrong is worth the effort, she is worth the effort ten million times over. Sure she made her share of mistakes, hell I made more than her times 50. She is a good person with a heart bigger than this world. She is genuine of spirit. Hell at least she was honest with me after her affair. Lexy you've been asked by Donewrong to leave this be, I'd suggest you do so. Move on.

 

Our 'friendship' was twisted and came out of one of the lowest points in my life. It is part of my past and that is where it will stay.

 

We are both done with this thread.

[Lexygirl]

LOL

Good plan