CFM Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 (edited) I'm sure many of you have more experience than I do with relationships and breaking up, so I'm wondering if anyone has ever gotten over someone while still being part of their life regularly. I'm on no contact with my ex currently. Long story short, I moved near her to attempt to reconcile a 5 year relationship. She's in the "I don't want a relationship right now and enjoy being single with all options open" mode and we just aren't going to have a chance right now. Deep down I know neither of us could really be together right now completely.. we both have a lot to work on personally and probably aren't ready to commit again just yet. I think due to feeling rejected though it has put me in a bad place where I get extremely upset thinking her and I will never have a chance to make things work again. There's another guy in her life.. but he's probably just going to end up being a friend with benefits.. something she'd probably be with me as well once I stop being so emotional about everything. She's over drama and sadness and all of that right now and just wants to have fun.. doesn't want any stresses outside of her already stressful nursing school and working. It makes sense. Anyway, so I moved up here and she still loves me a ton and wants to be close friends. She wants to hang out a lot and do stuff together like we used to, but without me having control over her and what she does when she's not with me. She doesn't want me to get upset if she's talking to other people and wants me to have a life outside of her as well. Obviously it's easy for her to say that before I have a life here, I'm not sure how she'd feel if she knew I was spending time with girls interested in me. Anyway, I've been reading here a lot and reading e-books and all kinds of crap about breakups and how to get over it, etc. Most all say to go no contact and basically fall out of love with the person and get to the point where you don't need them in your life at all. So, my question is, is it possible to remain friends with someone that you still love and gradually reach the point where you would with no contact? I don't think I'll ever completely want this girl out of my life.. for the duration of my living near her I think that we'll always want to spend time together. I wish I could just flip a switch in my brain that makes me stop being jealous or hurt when I think about who she's with/what she's doing and just be able to enjoy time with her without being crazy. Deep down I want her back and don't think that will change, I also just know that right now isn't the time for us and we both need to meet new people for now. I am making changes to myself that will make her see me more like the guy I was when we started dating, rather than the person I am now. She had always wanted to marry me and spend our lives together.. but I think regardless of me leaving her she would have had this phase where she wanted to taste some freedom and play the field a little before settling down. She has also said on more than one occasion that she will always love me and be there for me and knows that one day we'll have a chance. To add, the reason I'm asking is because right now I'm having a -really- hard time due to not having any real support from friends or family during this no contact. I am trying to avoid falling into depression given the circumstances and I don't know if I'll be able to. I almost feel like dealing with the anger/jealousy related with her is better than being completely lonely/depressed. I know my life will improve over the next few months.. so right now is just the worst time to be "getting over" her. Edited May 29, 2011 by CFM
sinnister Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 (edited) How long was it b/f she started seeing someone else? How did she break up? Yeah, it's easier said than done with women wanting to "play the field" while keeping u on standby...I was prob going to be slop second FWB too b/f I was a man about the cheating and mixed signals. Anyway. The best way to go NC while still being with her is not to say you're interested in someone else, but let her find out and see what she does. She'll eventually move out of ur life as you're happy n people that usually keep u around is usually to see u miserable while they're having fun and offset that fun/rs problems keeping from that "optimal" fun on u, keep you as a spare, or guilt (in order of likelihood). It was funny mine broke up or was confused but didn't want me with another woman...couldn't stand the thought of it...but would accept it ONLY b/c she had someone else. You'll see the number one thing, respect, with how your r/s matures when you're dating n happy. Edited May 29, 2011 by sinnister
Author CFM Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 (edited) We broke up because I left her. I was going through some depression after my military time/just coming back from Iraq and we were having issues of kind of becoming bored with the relationship. We made the mistake of living in way too close of quarters too soon. I basically gave up on the relationship/myself, she became bored and I decided we needed some time apart. I went home to Texas (from NJ) and when I left I told her we'd figure things out and I'd probably be coming back after Christmas. Well, she was angry and upset with me leaving and I didn't want to deal with the drama... so I kind of blew her off and ended up staying in Texas. She went through all of the breakup pretty badly and I know I really hurt her.. she had a hard time getting over me not being the main thing in her life anymore, but eventually nursing school and work took all of her time and she moved on. During that time I got some help from the VA clinic and started to feel a bit better about everything.. the depression wore off and I had to figure out what I was going to do next. We saw each other for spring break and I ended up falling for her completely again. For the week we saw each other everything was great, she wanted me back, etc. When I left things were good between us.. I didn't know what the next step would be exactly, but I knew I loved her. Anyway, the next couple of weeks after that didn't go so well. I blew her off a couple of times and she ended up basically deciding she's done with us. I thought I'd be able to patch it up this time just like every other time, but it wasn't really working out. She started go out more and more with people and basically pushed away from me. Something clicked and I knew I wanted her back in my life and decided to move back into her life. Within 3 days of that revelation I was in NJ telling her how I'm sorry and don't want to lose her. She apparently wasn't ready to just open the door to me again and told me that right now just isn't the time. She wasn't/isn't in any kind of real relationship with anyone.. just random flirting/texting/facebook chatting and hanging out maybe once a week with them. I pushed her a lot when I came back. I broke down in front of her way too many times and basically begged for her to give us another chance. She stayed strong and refused. It's been a month now that I've been back in her life and I can say that for her it probably hasn't been much fun.. she's had to constantly tell me the same things about not wanting to be together right now and to just be friends. She doesn't like dealing with me getting upset/angry whenever she texts someone else, so she isn't particularly against taking some time for NC for me to get over her in that way. She wants me to make a life here that doesn't revolve around her and wants to have separate lives, yet still spend time together and be involved with each other. It's just been hard for me to swallow and not feel like it's the end. She's promised that she won't stop being my friend no matter what and she'd break up with any boyfriend who demanded her do so. She thinks eventually we'll have a chance to be together again.. just not right now. Anyway, that's the story. Probably have repeated myself more than once, my bad on that. Just trying to figure out what I should do.. if I should suck up my jealousy and just enjoy being friends or stick with NC and shut her out of my life completely and be alone (for now). Edited May 29, 2011 by CFM
sinnister Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 (edited) It definitely depends on if you were together while serving in Iraq or not. If you were, her pain is IMMENSE. She probably pinned away for u everyday and then you come back and probably pulled stubborn/macho stuff on her (this is normal for military dudes, its the culture that poisons u, makes you have to be tough plus in you case trying to reacclimate with the new civilian dynamic and thought her needs were just being a pain/drain, b/c your mind wasn't focused here yet). If that's the case, you really warped her for a bit as she gave you the first hit for free understanding what you've been through. She was probably idealizing your life together and w/your military exp, you would be untouchable in the civilian world and something she can adore and show off. If not, she's just hurt that she tried and gave u a pass on the depression n it still didn't work. Either way, she's probably cried lots about ur treatment of her, and needs some time alone...to play the field...but you'll ALWAYS loom above whatever she has...but you have to EARN HER BACK. The only way is to date, but not get serious...but not be with dumb sluts. She has to know you both tried, but found the love for each other was too strong (THAT WAS ONE HELL OF AN ULTIMATUM TO THE NEW GUYS IN HER LIFE THAT SHE WILL COMPARE YOU TO--FEEL LUCKY!!). I tried to live with my brother who was in the army to get established in Seattle n we had an epic novel we had always been trying to write n hopefully get adapted...if it wasn't all the time about playtime...he wasn't listening or communicating...we went bankrupt and he still got married poor to someone fat hog n her insecurities about needing to be his sole listening board kept making small problems worse. He was just stubborn, trying to prove too much n keep it easy as he didn't understand the outside world as much (wasn't his fault really, but their collective resistance to WANTING to understand THEN was hell on the finances). He didn't go in like that. It's the culture at times, n people don't know what it really does, thinking they're "toughened"...but they're really just mirroring. Not to say that this is u, n we have a decent r/s now that I'm away from there and time has passed but this is prob what she got in a more enhanced extent. Anyway, I'm just suggesting that you see a therapist to manage any lingering issues so you can put your best foot forward and anything that will hold u back when you get back with her will be gone. You'll probably only get ONE more chance with this while/if she's young. Being a nurse, she'd probably settle down once she's established. If you get your ducks in a row, she'll be back..but this is a GOOD GIRL U LOST! Most of us that r here work our asses of to find out this isn't the case and she GENUINELY loves you. You just took her for granted one too many times and she is done crying for you. Give her time...show your best foot in your personality...keep improving yourself and have shallow relationships. Try to stay will college girls or newly graduated that just will move on themselves. Stay available but happy and looking with lots of vitality and you can patch this up. Right now, she has to see if she has to depend on you for her future, but she really wants to. Edited May 29, 2011 by sinnister
sun_moon Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 CFM, I disagree. While the love you too have for each other is obvious and still there, I think you should try to close the chapter. I beleive that giving yourself false hopes and hanging with her will be a slow miserable death, you will stay jealous, hurt, angry, and the only thing that will build is your resentments towards each other, especially you toward her. And it will develop into a depression, you are choosing to accept a bad situation out of desperation. NC is simpler and easier for your progress but I know how difficult it is to take the plunge. Yes you've made your mistakes, you prob pushed her away, reading some of the things youve written, I can safely say both of you have blame, resentment, mistakes, etc It's good that you are owning up to yours but dont forget to look at hers. I don't think it's possible to move on or heal when your still in love with your partner, you can't be friends. If you read your post carefully, alot of your comments end with "not right now" or " just yet" . You are still hanging on, i mean i don't blame you, she's clinging on to you, but it's still stringing you along. Have you had the all or nothing talk yet? You should stay NC, you deciding to stay in this dark place will slowly consume you, you can't be in sit and wait and hope mode. All or NOTHING. Her not contacting you is the 1st sign of maturity i've read from her so far. She may just be busy but until she shows you consideration, respect, and decency for your heart and feelings, you can't give her attention or any contact. If she loves you deeply she will leave you alone instead of taunting you , tormenting you, talking to you, while she does anything with anyone whenever she wants, you don't need to subject yourself to that information. Mutual respect is important. ALL or NOTHING, you can choose to rebuild and learn from mistakes or you can walk away. CFM you can't have a break up and friends ...... Friendship can only happen alot later when you've both moved on.
Star Gazer Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 I was able to get over my ex (Skiman), all while maintaining fairly regular contact, albeit never seeing him. But it was mostly major world news, skiing, work/career and family updates, not really shooting the sh*t or anything.
sinnister Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 I don't know. I mean respect is different than pride. She looks to be showing him far more respect than many of exes I've had or seen. I don't think she's dragging him along from torment, although this is one-sided as we don't see what she may have contributed to this...per the OP's context, but it doesn't always have to be 2 people that contributed to the break-up or the answers don't have to be black/white. I think she has probably, if the OP's account is correct, waited for him for a good while, and decided that what he brings on occasion is not worth it if he hasn't grown. What part of his posts says she's immature b/s being in school...he says himself he quit on the r/s. Now, when I was in the beginning of the b/u I did take far more responsibility than was warranted, but idk if this is the case. I was too answering whether it was possible to do this w/o NC...which it is, but it will hurt him, and I'm sure he knows that. It's not immature for her to want to try to get rid of some baggage or test first b/f she gets into what could be the grind for her when her guard is lowered but her expectations will be high for him...they have a history..and all or nothing now with the concessions she's made per the story will just be another freeze out to her. It'll hurt him, but he's froze her out and kept coming back into her life...he's not really in the position to be wanting her to do this or that for him..he doesn't know what his absence and change of plans has done to her. He needed to clear head..she needed him. Now the roles are reversed, and if he loves her, he has to wait. It's bad, but it's better for both of them that she doesn't seem to keep dropping everything every time he shows up. It's a great hit on the rep as well as the psyche...but time..while he is showing her improvement, but still leaving the door open to both of them moving on is advantageous, and will let the next opportunity seem the last for them both and they will both have that clarity imho.
sun_moon Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Read this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t278011 This is where my opinion is coming from.
sinnister Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Read this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t278011 This is where my opinion is coming from. Damn, didn't see this part. Changed my mind. Disappear, she's immature. She's needy and doesn't know what she wants, but wants you along for the ride, or guilt the hell out of you for not playing in the circus. My exe was like this from Skype 4000 miles away...not so much extremely jealous, but she was burned, so she had to verify..and became completely addicted to me. Which was very sweet and validating, but I was guilt-ed for a lot of free time and the only time we really didn't talk was right before she cheated. Same here, my exe doesn't do "f--k buddy" things. It was a game to get some attention b/c her work was driving us both bat**** nuts, she didn't want to turn on the boss so I'd have to be the "heavy", which is why she did wait until Christmas and the coldness flamed me out b/f sleepin and committing to him. It's a game due to a deficit (PERCEIVED) in affection by a immature person. They need it anywhere they can get it...they still love you..and many people ask then how do they do this if they do. These people are just patently insecure, they think (especially if they've been cheated on in the past and somewhat cute that if you're not giving all time to them, it must be to someone else....it's a heavy weight..and I see why you skipped out at times). But enough almost jacking the thread. This is what they'd said...time to walk, go NC, start fresh. She has the power of your commitment, even if she begged for this...this is how KIDS use it. Sorry for your sit.
Author CFM Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 (edited) Thank you both for the replies. I see what you're both saying and I guess what sparked this question was more or less my feeling guilty about what I've done to "us" and not really giving her much accountability for what happened. I will say that she did wait for me through two deployments in the military. She had opportunities to be with other people, but she chose me. She told all of her friends about me and bragged all of the time. I'd come up and visit regularly and every time she'd be so excited to see me.. she'd spend hours cleaning her room and making herself perfect to do whatever I wanted the second I walked in the door. She put all of her hopes and dreams into me, us, and what we would one day be together. She completely wanted me and wanted me to feel the same way. I did, and for a long time things were amazing. It wasn't until about a year into our relationship that she started becoming controlling. I think she was just insanely insecure about herself and didn't want to lose me to distance. Her world revolved around me.. she would text me constantly and call me to sleep on the phone nearly every night. Being a young guy some of this stuff got old. I wasn't much for talking on the phone for 2-3 hours every single night. I'd often be tired from the military lifestyle and would fall asleep on the phone, which she'd take offense to. She wasn't very understanding in some ways.. and I think the distance just slowly ate us apart. At one point I was hanging out with some other girls and one of the girls started to really like me... she tried to sleep with me and stuff, but I kept from physically cheating on my girlfriend.. but emotionally, I may have. For her birthday the 2nd year we were together she was really hurt when she read some text messages to that girl. I didn't have any real feelings for her... she was just "easy".. no drama, no 3 hour phone calls every night, I didn't have to wait for a 3-day weekend to see her.. all of that. This tore my girlfriend apart and we almost broke up. After that she became super resentful.. I felt like I was knocked off my horse, I was no longer her knight in shining armor, but her cheating boyfriend who even though she tried her hardest, it wasn't enough. But, I dropped a thousand bucks on a ring and promised that I would never cheat on her again in any way and that I wanted her and no one else. So, we continued.. That led to a decent 8 more months before my second deployment with her. Things were okay, but we weren't quite healed enough for being separated. She became really clingy, nosy, and controlling after what I did. I understood and let her to make herself feel better and to rebuild the trust. At the time I was going through a different episode of post-deployment depression and that's kind of when I stopped taking care of myself so much. I went from being very fit and having an attractive body and lifting weights constantly to basically becoming fat and lazy. She never said a word about it and treated me the exact same, but of course she noticed it. Anyway, my second deployment rolled around. There was still some mistrust, some hurt.. but she wanted to make it work. I promised that I would spend the full year in Iraq working to make us better and that when I got back we would live together and eventually get married. She loved the idea and wanted it more than anything. We spent the last 2 weeks before I left together.. I still remember every one of those nights, how sad we were, yet how strong I felt for her.. two weeks later I stepped onto the plane. I gave her my car (she really needed it at the time) and remember I went to the very back of the line getting on the plane so that we could hold hands for just a couple seconds longer. I'll never forget her face filled with tears seeing me off... Anyway, the first few months of the deployment went okay. We missed each other a ton, but every opportunity I could I went to the phone center to hear her voice. She was extremely sad and missed me a lot. She would get upset that I couldn't talk longer, but really I tried my absolute hardest to talk as much as possible. I was surrounded by lots of fellow soldiers and friends with wifes, girlfriends, children they had just left.. I think as mentioned above that the people you're with really do play a role in how you view your significant other. They'd bitch and moan about their wives or gfs and 90% of them were unfaithful. Within a few months I was bitching about my girl too. After the first few months we really started arguing. I stopped calling her so much because she was going through some stuff at home and would take it out on me.. and I was going through stuff in Iraq and would take it out on her. I was bitter that I had to go for a second tour (I was stop lossed.. aka they extended my Army contract an entire year to send me to Iraq a second time). We started to fight more and more and she would always mention "well I have your car" to get under my skin. Immature, yeah.. but it drove me nuts. She has a tendency to say stuff in the moment without really thinking of the outcome. Anyway to wrap this up.. I came home for my 2 weeks 6months into the deployment. Things between her and I became vicious at this point.. she had been flirting with some guy she met on a video chat service that I had setup for us to talk to each other basically because I stopped being there for her. It was probably mostly harmless (what did I expect? She's young, beautiful.. and was waiting for me) but it drove me nuts. I flew to the airport where she was waiting for me, not knowing what I had planned. I held onto a LOT of anger during this time.. I was happy to be home but inside I was literally about to explode. I played nice.. she was gorgeous as usual and for 2 days I pretended everything was fine. Day 3 I told her I was going home to Texas.. I took my car and some of my stuff and I left her. She had no idea it was coming and was devastated. I planned to be done with her at this point.. but she refused. She flew to Texas to spend the remainder of the time with me.. and I mistreated her there as well. She was completely heart broken at what I was doing.. but I was completely fueled by anger toward her for what she put me through while I was in Iraq. For taunting me, knowing I could do NOTHING to stop any of it while I was there. She cried every night and every night I didn't console her... I just reminded her that she drove me nuts over there. So, that 2 weeks ended with me coming back, taking my car and stuff from her.. and basically leaving with us on a horrible note. I don't remember how or why, but somehow we stayed together after that. She still wanted to make it work.. she stopped acting the way I hated and everything. I had 6 more months to do over there and things were OK for the first couple of months. We made a lot of progress and felt like things were going good. About this time is when a friend of mine died. I don't know why but my reaction was to shut her out. Of course also around this time is when her family was going through some crazy stuff and her mom attempted suicide. I was there for her through that to an extent.. but not near as much as I should have been. The attempted suicide was repeated a month later when her and I were hardly speaking.. and I again wasn't there in the ways I should have been for her. Fast forward to one month before I get home.. things between her and I extremely rocky. At that point I just wanted to be done with her.. I just wanted to be out of the Army and move on with my life entirely. I check her facebook one day to see some idiot from her college flirting. I check his facebook and see her flirting. I ask her and she comes forward.. she likes this guy, they've been talking a lot and basically the jerkoff is sweet talking her while her disgruntled boyfriend in Iraq isn't there for her. Real stand up guy. So, I get home in a month and she's falling for some guy (largely due to me.. had I been there for her more, she would have never ever done anything like this I believe). She was completely honest with me about it all and basically a week later they ended up sleeping together. This drove me fking nuts and let's just say I spent the last 2-3 weeks in Iraq 100% depressed and crazy. She kept talking to me, telling me she'd be there when I landed. Told her not to come, but she insisted. Fast forward to 2 days before I get back, something I'll NEVER forget.. I call my mother to ask how the drive is going.. she's bringing my car from TX to NC to see me land. I am hit with the news that she was in an accident and my car is totaled, that she'd be there in a rental car. Flipping out I call my girlfriend.. it's 2AM there.. she picks up.. low and behold, she's whispering, why? She's SLEEPING IN BED with this guy. I get thrown out of the call center for yelling obscenities and breaking the phone in half. Wonderful day. So, I get back. I land, see my gf with my mother. Girlfriend is stunning, like 5 friends who hadn't met her come up to me and give me the "damn, she's hot". Being relieved to just be home.. seeing her, I don't know, but I just couldn't be mad then. We spent that day and night together and she had adjusted all of her finals and everything so that she could stay with me and help me get around until I got a new car. I didn't really have any other option. So, I went from wanting to completely tell her off and never see her again to her being my ride for at least 2 weeks while I figured everything out. Of course after the dust settled we talked. She told me about everything that happened with him.. and for the first week or two she didn't even know if she wanted to be with me again. At that point I didn't care too much what she chose.. I was willing to give us a shot but if she left me I think I would have been okay. She decided to end it with him completely (to be honest I think he just wanted a **** buddy, she was wanting more and he started to treat her poorly.. read some msgs they shared and he wasn't too nice) and be with me and start fresh. I figured I had cheated on her once.. now she had done it.. now we're even, now we can just move on. Annnnnd that's basically the story of what happened to us prior to what I've said. All of that happened.. I got out of the Army completely in August and moved in with her. I went to school and she worked. We both had a ridiculous amount of free time and spent every moment together. It went from being a great thing to not so great. It's different to go from seeing someone a few times a month to seeing them all day every day. I left her right before both of our schedules would've become busy and spending time together would have been more special. I held some anger and resentment about what happened between us during that deployment.. we'd argue about it from time to time.. I'd often get angry and be reminded of the guy she hooked up with. I was over it I think, but I'd use it as ammunition to throw in her face when I was upset. I was still super depressed over what all had happened in my life.. the stuff in Iraq, the anger, the change in lifestyle.. everything just all hit me at once in a bad way. Didn't have much motivation to do anything really and I think this just became a huge turn off for her. That's one of the main reasons I left, I just didn't care anymore and felt like I couldn't be who she wanted then. Sooo.. if you made it through all of that.. you see why I take a lot of the blame for what happened. I see her cheating as a horrible thing.. but I know it wouldn't have happened if I had been a better man for her when she needed me to. My situation was unique.. lots of bad stuff happening in my life at once, but still.. she didn't deserve to be treated poorly due to what was happening to me. Yeah, she could have been more understanding.. but a lot of that stuff is hard to understand from an outside perspective. I -hated- waking up every morning there and dealing with day to day.. she was the only thing that kept me going for a long time, and I didn't treat her that way. I know the man she wants, I know the man she saw in me and waited for for so long.. that's why I want to give her that person now and just be happy together like we should have been all along. I feel like every aspect of our relationship was sabotaged by outside sources and it just doesn't seem fair. I know as an outsider you can read all of this and see probably 4 different times where her and I should have just ended it or vise versa. Every time one wanted to end, the other wanted to keep fighting. Our love initially was so strong that we survived all of this.. yeah, we're both beaten and bruised, but at the end of the day we love each other and I think we both hope that one day we can just be together and happy. I guess this is what keeps me fighting for her and why it's so hard for me to just stop contacting her completely when she still wants me in her life as her friend. Edited May 29, 2011 by CFM
sinnister Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Needed space that you couldn't get b/c she was addicted to you. Add on to the fact she was beautiful and it was LDR and I'm sorry, she just has BPD...they are insane about respecting boundaries/space and the reason she got back with you was that she didn't have anyone else...she stayed...took/ate all the sh-t but the moment she thought she had something real...she needed to torture you with it....they claim it's so bad and they make it bad..cause they just dont calm down and stay calm and know a man/woman is different..cause they're insecure...patently. And when they make everything about you 2, there is bound to be resentment after a while. Bad move letting her see those texts though...they ALWAYS get back at you. At least mine talked about something, but I had to break a lot of shell to get her opened up first. Yours seemed exciting but dull n prob just mused over things ran over 8 times over just to be with you...have u around..n when you emotionally cheated...that obligation to make sure it didn't happen again made it doubly so. It was just too long w/out a rest in the first deployment...at least a good 3 weeks where you disappeared with a promise not to cheat and especially NO GUILT. But it's pretty much too late for ANYTHING now...this scenario has you on her pain train...no she's not going to let you off until she's tortured you back. U don't deserve this, and those deployments MUST HAVE BEEN PURE HELL WITH THAT KIND OF OBLIGATION HANGING OUT THERE. Love can beat a lot of things..but not when people don't get hints...b/c of insecurity. No excuse, but if she'd let you off the hook w/the calls more..you'd never had cheated and you'd have the perfect r/s by now. I was in super tip-top shape too..but having to drink when I came home from school/work to talk on and on...I should've gotten into more online gaming....I was too broke for the good **** cause it was all going on drink to stay open and happy...when I went back to school and she needed to take me to her first au pair job..is when it started unravelling. We'd plan things, then she'd have to go to dinner w/the fam even though we'd planned this b/c they made her work with the kid so late..n she seemed obsessed with talking to me w/him every 10 mins. I loved it, but it was taking away my off days from school....I loved her so much....but space was NOT in her vocabulary. We can be called pushovers, but I held firm on everything else...she was just so fun...just wish she'd balanced me with something else...just minor...she was completely PERFECT for me other than that....and if we were having sex....she could suffocate me all she wanted...I could get her out of the house to explore and I would feel alive. Being in NC and TX is diff than Britain...more stuff locally to do and far less hot year round. Your situation must've been pure hell/heaven same time...which leads to u being conflicted..n that's the resentment....you want the freedom but you want them connected still to you. Just a break. We never got it..we burned out n they started all of this...you just contributed more than I did...I just overloaded my schedule too much...so smart, could live at pc n get everything done...but still barely...I've had to write so many papers with her trying to distract me. Our school offered classes in between the Spring and Summer semis that offered a whole semester in 2 weeks...took it b/c I was going to see her Christmas finally, so I'd thought I'd punish myself with just working as hard as I could...to earn it...plus there was a scriptwriting class with the guy from Eddie Murphy's writing team (he talked like they were pretty tight)..But was the same...no rest and I just didn't know the cumulative effects of it all..till she had to go to that MidEastern worker's hell. With rest, I would've been far more supportive..but they were explotive and I wanted her to assert herself to THEM more as they had her working 7 days/week -14 hours/day...for what would end up as 2 bucks American plus room/board at a resort..but no free drinks at the bar even as her boss owned it. It affected her, but I was the heavy? So I know how u feel...it's just a strange/beautiful dynamic when it's good..but they sometimes just don't listen n take us for granted as claim we do them.
D-Lish Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 CFM, there is no way you can get over someone if you remain in close contact with them. You cannot remain friends with an ex when you want them back and they are wavering. She's not only seeing someone, but she's playing mind games with you... I've read over your threads and know the back story- and remaining in contact is a big mistake. If you want a second chance, you need to take a big step back and ignore her for the time being. When my exH and I split up after almost 10 years together- we remained in close contact. We actually leaned on one another through our own break up- even though he was expecting a child with someone he knocked up. Neither of us began to heal until we cut off contact with one another. We talked and texted constantly, every day for more than a year until we decided it was best to pull away from one another. It wasn't until then that I began to heal. You absolutely cannot be friends with an ex- not if you want to heal.
S.Williams Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Hi, The best way to use NC is NOT as a plan to get your ex back. The reason the no contact rule works "best" when used for getting your life back, not your ex, is because the only way to ever get back together with someone (and stay together) is to evolve past the breakup first. Many people (if not practically everyone) try to revive/save the old relationship...big mistake. Why? Because it is a knee-jerk reaction caused by fear of loss. It is the fear of letting go and losing them "forever" (forever...really?) that holds people prisoner...trapped in the "just friends zone" where your ex bats your heart around like a kitten with a ball of yarn. If you use no contact as a tool to get your life back and evolve past the old relationship, you clear away the past and make room for the future with an emotionally clean slate. Like most things in life it is the way you perceive a situation, and use tools (like the no contact rule) that really matters. If you allow yourself to let go, and stop struggling with losing someone that you have already lost (for the time being), you will get your life back, and then ALL your options will jump out at you. Once you get your life back again you can make a clear headed decision about what you "really" want. Don't worry, your ex will not become untouchable. I have read quite a few stories about people getting back together after being married to different people and getting divorced. Focus on getting your life back. It is the first step towards the light at the end of the tunnel. Stay Strong and Positive! S.W.
0hpenelope Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 OP, I just wanted to lend support to Ms. D's and S.Williams' points. Implement the No Contact rule to get yourself back. That's your number 1 priority right now and taking care of yourself should always be your priority, no matter what circumstance you find yourself in. You don't want to become the ex that your ex-gf will remember as the one who always chased her, someone who didn't respect what she wants and what she wants right now is to be apart from you. You have depression, you said? That's an important factor in your health that you really need to take care of and while having support is definitely important, it's your fight. You need to focus on this and having thoughts of your ex will detract from your healing. This is something that's beyond your ex. She can't be a source of support for you at the moment because you're not getting what you want from her. She's seeing someone else right now. Her priority is her happiness, just as your priority is yours and right now, that's what you have to work with. Your ex also shouldn't be so careless as to say she will break up with any boyfriend that will tell her to not be friends with you. I wanted to address this because she will find, as the rest of us do, that our feelings change. At that precise moment that she said it, she meant it - just as she meant her feelings and words for you when the two of you were together. But because feelings change, it doesn't mean she'll still feel as strongly about it in the future. A lot of the things we say and feel aren't absolute. Food for thought. A platonic friendship is possible, but you have to have separation. "Is getting over someone without no contact possible?" Yes. Maintaining contact with the ex, however, while emotionally detaching from that person at the same time is very hard to do, as Ms. D illustrated. Contact delays the process of letting go. Space and time apart brings much needed clarity of mind. When your judgment isn't clouded by your feelings of love and affection for your ex, then you will be able to decide whether or not pursuing a friendship or a romantic relationship with her is still something you want. Finally, I wanted to emphasize S.Williams' quote here. Stay Strong and Positive! Take care of yourself and take care of your health. Welcome to LS and I hope you find the support you're looking for.
sinnister Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 She will continue to find ways to cheat on you..remember, the laptop incident was NOT an accident..she wants you to see there's other dudes in her life. She is immature and needs to punish u for hurting her or ever having her wait for u, even though she suffocated u. Just disappear, tell your family to avoid all contact with her. She will only get worse..I mean how low can you get, she begged u out there, then wanted u to see her with someone else, and bang u at the same time. U will not win this.
ThatBwoii Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 You need to show her that your a person, with feelings & not a tool. You need to stop all contact and passively show her that you are a stable person, and it is not all about her.
shortee143 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I am glad you asked this. I had searched over the forum in regards to how to handle it all when no contact might not be an option. I know it is the number one piece of advice. I have gone 1 month at a time (broken up 3 months), and I never call or text, nor does he bc he doesnt give a hoot, and he just most recently deleted me on facebook. So our contact is limited. BUT we have about 50 mutual friends (not even exaggerating) everything that goes on, we both are invited to or involved in so we have seen each other about 5 or 6 times post breakup. I'd give anything to never have to see him again, bc each time I do, all I see is the hurt he caused, and this past weekend I got to experience seeing him with a new girl. I worry I wont get past it seeing him! And people say get new friends...not quite that easy to just erase your existing social life! I wish I had a clear answer for you, but just wanted to share that I have the same thought on trying to get over someone, but still keeping in contact.
0hpenelope Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 (edited) Apologies for the threadjack, OP. I hope you're doing okay. I want to address a response to your post in the event that you may benefit from it and others may as well. I am glad you asked this. I had searched over the forum in regards to how to handle it all when no contact might not be an option. I know it is the number one piece of advice. I have gone 1 month at a time (broken up 3 months), and I never call or text, nor does he bc he doesnt give a hoot, and he just most recently deleted me on facebook. So our contact is limited. BUT we have about 50 mutual friends (not even exaggerating) everything that goes on, we both are invited to or involved in so we have seen each other about 5 or 6 times post breakup. I'd give anything to never have to see him again, bc each time I do, all I see is the hurt he caused, and this past weekend I got to experience seeing him with a new girl. I worry I wont get past it seeing him! And people say get new friends...not quite that easy to just erase your existing social life! I wish I had a clear answer for you, but just wanted to share that I have the same thought on trying to get over someone, but still keeping in contact. No Contact, by the way, also involves actively seeking communication with the ex and justifying those attempts at communication. I say justifying because if there's no need to contact the ex, then that person wouldn't need to make contact, right? If the contact you have is due to friends hanging out, does it mean you're actively pursuing that line of communication with him? No, you not. My ex still has me on Facebook: I don't look at his profile at all and I can only guess if he's giving me the same treatment. I won't assume anything about him and making assumptions is a very difficult habit to break. If you're in a setting where you make eye contact with him or you can't avoid saying hi, then greet him lightly and move on with your business. You don't have to actively engage him in a discussion you're having with your group of friends, too. You can touch upon him and then move on without lingering for too long. Take the time to detach for a short while as you adjust to a new dynamic. I hope your friends will understand if you say no to hang outs for a while. "Well, you're not going to be there for him! You're there for us and to hang out and to have fun!" Yeah, that's true - but as you pointed out, you worry that you won't get past it while you're seeing him. The good friends will be compassionate and sensitive about what you need to do in order to heal. Are you not wanting to project yourself as a bitter ex that can't say hi? That's okay, too. Develop an attitude of "Who cares?" when you're around him. It's about projection, too: even if you don't feel as indifferent at the moment, if your goal is to not show him how much it bothers you to even be around him, project that "I don't care," attitude. If he's around a new girl during a hang out and you see them engage in affectionate touches, keep your hurt to yourself, interact with your friends for a few minutes, then excuse yourself to the bathroom and let your hurt out on your own. Don't show him that you're hurt and especially don't show your mutual friends you're hurt. It'll get back to him. If you don't care that it'll get back to him, then that's also okay. You can use your light contact with him to get over him because you'll get used to his presence eventually. It's just going to take time and you have control over that. Edited June 3, 2011 by 0hpenelope
shortee143 Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Apologies for the threadjack, OP. I hope you're doing okay. I want to address a response to your post in the event that you may benefit from it and others may as well. No Contact, by the way, also involves actively seeking communication with the ex and justifying those attempts at communication. I say justifying because if there's no need to contact the ex, then that person wouldn't need to make contact, right? If the contact you have is due to friends hanging out, does it mean you're actively pursuing that line of communication with him? No, you not. My ex still has me on Facebook: I don't look at his profile at all and I can only guess if he's giving me the same treatment. I won't assume anything about him and making assumptions is a very difficult habit to break. If you're in a setting where you make eye contact with him or you can't avoid saying hi, then greet him lightly and move on with your business. You don't have to actively engage him in a discussion you're having with your group of friends, too. You can touch upon him and then move on without lingering for too long. Take the time to detach for a short while as you adjust to a new dynamic. I hope your friends will understand if you say no to hang outs for a while. "Well, you're not going to be there for him! You're there for us and to hang out and to have fun!" Yeah, that's true - but as you pointed out, you worry that you won't get past it while you're seeing him. The good friends will be compassionate and sensitive about what you need to do in order to heal. Are you not wanting to project yourself as a bitter ex that can't say hi? That's okay, too. Develop an attitude of "Who cares?" when you're around him. It's about projection, too: even if you don't feel as indifferent at the moment, if your goal is to not show him how much it bothers you to even be around him, project that "I don't care," attitude. If he's around a new girl during a hang out and you see them engage in affectionate touches, keep your hurt to yourself, interact with your friends for a few minutes, then excuse yourself to the bathroom and let your hurt out on your own. Don't show him that you're hurt and especially don't show your mutual friends you're hurt. It'll get back to him. If you don't care that it'll get back to him, then that's also okay. You can use your light contact with him to get over him because you'll get used to his presence eventually. It's just going to take time and you have control over that. Thanks for the reply regarding my situation, you make GREAT points. I maintain my composure around him- laugh, smile, have fun...for the most part. A few mutual friends have seen me upset/bothered by it- but I try to never let him see it, but like you said, with mutual friends, it is bound to get back to him. Plus, ugh I hate bringing him up to them, they have got to be sick of it!! From this moment forward, I am going to make sure that I fully continue to not show I am bothered, even to mutual friends, its so hard though hah! But he deleted me on fbk just this week and I wanted to contact him and be like wtf, but then I was like nope, not gna show it bothered me...that's a step in the right direction? I realize it is ok to still cry, be hurt, upset- but it is better kept to myself or just among my best gal pals.
0hpenelope Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 (edited) Thanks for the reply regarding my situation, you make GREAT points. I maintain my composure around him- laugh, smile, have fun...for the most part. A few mutual friends have seen me upset/bothered by it- but I try to never let him see it, but like you said, with mutual friends, it is bound to get back to him. That's okay. Three months is still recent and if your mutual friends have ever gone through a break up, then they know how it feels. If you're bothered, you're bothered and with such a recent break up, you will be. Good friends will be kind to you. Most importantly, you are kind to yourself. Plus, ugh I hate bringing him up to them, they have got to be sick of it!! Good friends will also understand why you bring him up with them. You may be surprised: one or 2 of them will have a very high empathy level with regards to break up difficulties. I know I do. I never tire of friends talking about their break ups with me because I know how useful it is to have a person to vent to. It's part of healing. If you have friends that aren't as sympathetic, try to believe and understand that it's probably not about you. From this moment forward, I am going to make sure that I fully continue to not show I am bothered, even to mutual friends, its so hard though hah! But he deleted me on fbk just this week and I wanted to contact him and be like wtf, but then I was like nope, not gna show it bothered me...that's a step in the right direction? YES!!! :bunny: It IS hard. I mean, even with my ex being on Facebook, it gets pretty hard sometimes because I don't want him peeking into my business. Then I remember "How do I know he's peeping? I've no idea if he does!" Who knows, maybe he forgot I was on his Facebook friends list. That's why I try not to assume anything about him and I'm getting better at doing that everyday. I realize it is ok to still cry, be hurt, upset- but it is better kept to myself or just among my best gal pals. Yes, yes, yes. Validate your feelings. You're the most important person in this recovery phase. If you feel that you need to share how upset you're feeling, be selective in who to vent to. You already know that any news about you will get to him if you tell mutual friends, even if they "swear" up and down that they won't tell him, but something, no matter how small, will slip eventually. It's just the nature of mutual relationships. Vent to your gal pals, your journal if you have one, or vent here, too! Good luck! I'm rooting for your healing. Never, ever lose composure in front of your ex and anyone that can reveal your weakness to him. That includes Facebook as well; even though you're not friends w/ your ex anymore, avoid those highly emotional quotes or emotional songs. You know which ones I'm talking about. He'll hear about them. He will. Edited June 3, 2011 by 0hpenelope
shortee143 Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 thanks again 0hpenelope. You hit a lot of this right on the head for me. I know I have made "mistakes" and made it known I was bothered at times, but I don't regret that, I'm human, he hurt me, and too bad if he thinks I'm weak for that. He really expected me to be just as fine as him, blasphemy!! But I'm def from now on going to make a conscious effort that when at is house and around him, to just mind my P's and Q's. For some sad reason, they LIKE to know that your bothered and upset! How twisted....
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