CFM Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 I have a handful of posts here, all about the same relationship that has lasted nearly five years now. Began when I was in the military and we made it through three and a half years of long distance and two deployments, all to come crashing down at the end of my second deployment, three months before I was out of the service. Since then it's been trying to pick up the pieces and trying to make it work. After 6 months of living together I had to step away and take a break. That 3 month break left me wanting to put 100% of myself toward fixing us. On a whim, I moved back to her town (after being a couple thousand miles away) to attempt to reconcile. My attempts were rejected (despite her sleeping with me/wanting me back 100% a month earlier during a visit), which caused me to push her away with my desperation. Meanwhile she began speaking to someone she was interested more and more, and during my month back in her life, I am being led to believe that things between them have only escalated (I pushed her into another guys arms..). Fast forward to now.. I woke up this morning in my apartment with her next to me. Nothing sexual (she says we aren't ready for that?), just a night together followed by her sleeping next to me. Four times during the night I was woken up by text messages from her new "friend" (she doesn't want a "boyfriend" in her life right now). This led to not being able to sleep and contemplating what the hell I am doing continuing to let her be in my life, torturing myself to just be a watered down version of what we were. I came to the realization I can not just be her friend. The two text messages from him as we were eating breakfast sealed it (I'm sorry but a guy doesn't text a girl about nothing at 2:30AM and then 10AM unless they have some emotions stronger than casual friendship). I kindly asked her to get her stuff and leave my apartment. I informed her I'll no longer be paying for her cellphone (long story) and to not randomly drop by when she feels like hanging out. We were a week from some planned stuff for my birthday.. I asked that she forget about that too and let me move on with my life. She knows full well the situation with him was hurting me.. she knows I came back to fix things. Anyway, time to respect myself and not let her disrespect me anymore. I've failed miserably at NC in the past, but having a log where I can take it one day at a time will really help. I appreciate any support those on this forum are willing to give me.. this has been one of the hardest things I've gone through and I really just want to stop hurting.
Author CFM Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 (edited) So.. I wrote this up this morning as I said bye to her. Getting back from the gym around 1:30 this afternoon I get a phone call. Without checking the caller ID I pick up and it's her. She wants me to come to her house and said to make sure I have room in my car for my birthday present. Apparently she went shopping with her mother when she got home and knows that I still need some furniture in my apartment. I don't really know what else to say other than okay. So I go to her house expecting to just pick it up, say thank you and leave. Well, when I get there she wants to get lunch before we go pick up the gift. I agree to it as I'm hungry anyway and we go eat... basically she acts like nothing just happened. To her we're still just friends. Eventually we get around to getting the gift and it's a small dining table and chairs at a discount place nearby. I really liked it and we ended up having to use both of our cars to get it from the place to my apartment. We get to my apartment, get it all setup (she really has an interest in decorating my apartment..) and she tells me she has to go. Most likely has some plans tonight with the "friend" mentioned above. I thank her for the gift and tell her everything that I said earlier still stands.. she almost acts like she doesn't hear me say that as she says bye. During our byes I also mention that I'm going out tonight with someone I met at the gym (she already knows about her.. really wants to know what she looks like,etc) and she jokes about how I better not bring her home because she'll be stopping by. Really starting to realize how immature all of this has become, heh. Soo, hopefully tomorrow goes better. If she calls I don't plan on picking up. Edited May 14, 2011 by CFM
Author CFM Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 (edited) Day One Today was rough. Woke up early this morning after a night of waking up every few hours dreaming about her and wondering what she was doing. Had a feeling she was with the guy mentioned above and it just ate at me. As soon as I dragged myself out of bed I went to the gym for about an hour and a half. Had a great workout, did 20 minutes more of cardio than usual. Noticed a pretty girl watching me while I was lifting, felt decent. Still have a long way to go to get back to where I was in Iraq/the Army. Got home from the gym and did laundry/took a shower/cleaned up. Was pretty exhausted. Glanced at the table that she bought me yesterday, felt annoyed. Spoke briefly with some family, they're aware of what's going on.. they're disappointed in how she's behaved since I moved back up here (for her). My mother remembers having many conversations with her about how she wanted to marry me and is kind of shocked at where everything has gone with us. Pretty much all of my family think she's immature, bitchy, and needs heavy counseling from some of what's gone on in her life before she can really be with anyone. I tend to agree, but doesn't change how I feel about her. The day got a lot worse when I went to pay my phone bill. She still has her phone on my plan and I am still paying for it, waiting another day or two before cutting it off giving her the chance to give it to me. Anyway, like an idiot I curiously checked out the usage/call history. Saw that last night at 10PM she was talking to the "friend" mentioned above. Was a short phone call, so I'm 99% sure that it was her meeting up with him and calling to say she's there or whatever. Immediately become overwhelmed with anger toward her. Still can't really wrap my head around how a month and a half ago she was begging me to come back, to this. Icing on the cake is that the guy is someone she was talking to (caught him flirting with her on facebook chat before) when we were still living together.. he was a friend of the guy she cheated on me with when I was in Iraq. Seems like a total tool and I almost want to go knock on his door and make him piss his pants for hitting on my girlfriend when we were still together. Have to remind myself she's not worth it. I went grocery shopping and to the mall shortly after to try to pass some time/think about something else. Didn't really work that well. Came home and made dinner and almost started crying thinking about how things should be. Then I pulled out a notebook and made a list of the things I dislike about her. Filled up a full page in about five minutes, which kind of made me feel better. She didn't call or text me today, so I guess the no contact is a success for today. I plan to try to sleep early and get a lot done tomorrow. Hopefully tonight I can actually sleep. Edited May 15, 2011 by CFM
Author CFM Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 So day 2 and 3 were a complete failure. For some reason my mind changed to thinking I could handle contact. Thinking I could just be that solid guy in her life and let things play out as they may. Day 2 I told her I need my phone back, went over then got it. She gave it to me. Somehow that turned into talking, then us hanging out. I left her house at like 1am pretty confused. She was getting text msgs all night on her new phone from the "friend" and I just kind of shrugged it off in my head. I drove home that night thinking that we weren't like most ex's and that I hurt her a lot and we'd just ease into everything and in a few months of seeing me she'll probably want to give me another real chance. I figured I could handle that. The next day she didn't talk to me all day. I got on the computer and didn't see her on the messenger like she usually is.. alright, whatever. Went to the gym, etc and got home around 5. Wasn't online again. I logged on a different messenger name to check for a friend of mine, and she was a friend on that one too.. turns up she blocked my main screen name. I was like okay, whatever.. figured I'd just crash early and sat down and started reading a new book I ordered. Around 7 she calls me and asks what I'm doing. I told her, then jokingly said thanks for blocking me. She played it off like she had no idea what happened, etc (I assume she wanted to talk to the "friend" without me IMing her). Cool, whatever. Then she told me she wanted to hang out and would be over soon. Within about 30 minutes she showed up to my apartment. Does her usual snooping around. Sits down and we watch TV for a while and talk about nothing. She gets a call that she needs to pick up her brother (just had his license suspended, long story) from work and she tells me to come over to her house since she didn't get to stay that long. Had a feeling I should have stayed and just went to sleep, but I went anyway. I drove my car and got to her house a few minutes before her. I was curious about being blocked so I opened her laptop. First thing I saw was a huge conversation between her and the "friend" that basically went on all day. I couldn't help myself but see what they even talk about. As I read it all I could think about is how she used to talk to me and IM me constantly in the exact same mannerisms. Two years of our five year relationship with me in Iraq meant that we basically talked about EVERYTHING on IMs through the years. There was a lot of flirting and sexual joking around and it basically clicked; she really likes this guy and he really likes her. He's replacing me in her life, slowly but surely. She gets home and rushes in the door.. I heard her pull up so the laptop was back where it was and everything. I think she knew the conversation was open and that I'd see it and rushed home because of it. Within a few minutes she was asking me "did you read the IMs on my laptop?". When I didn't answer right away she became instantly distraught, knowing that a lot of what she said to him would hurt me. That turned into us talking for about 2 hours about our relationship. What happened, what went wrong, what we went through.. my focus was on the good times, her focus was on the bad. It became clear that right now she doesn't want an "us" at all. I told her I think I made a mistake coming back and if I had known she was falling for someone else I wouldn't have. She admitted that things between her and him just started picking up within the last couple of weeks. Apparently while I had been back in her life, one night when she saw him, they kissed and "fooled around" for the first time. No wonder he went from IMing her once or twice a day to every ten minutes. She could see the pain in my face as I took everything in and said she doesn't want to stop seeing me, she doesn't want to stop talking and that he's just a friend that she likes (neither of them want a relationship, lol). I told her I was still in love with her and she broke my heart. I sat down and held her hands and looked in her eyes to say a heartfelt goodbye and she just pulled her hands and her body away from me in frustration of everything. Without a word I got up and left. She called me about 15 minutes later... I didn't pick up. I came home, chugged some whiskey and crashed. This morning she called me twice and left a voice mail saying how she felt bad about last night and wants to know if I'm okay and to call her back. This is the first time it's really dawned on me that her and I very likely have no future together now. I know one day she will want to be with me again... but I will have moved on with my life and I'm sealing the door shut between her and I. Life put our relationship through the ringer and we just didn't make it like I always thought we would. In a different life we would have been great, but not this one. Time to let go. TL;DR - I thought I could be a friend, I thought I could show her I'm changing for the best. It blew up in my face almost immediately, she broke me more than ever before. I'm giving up on her, letting go of any hope of us ever being together again. We'll always love each other and that's all there is to it. Back to no contact.
Author CFM Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 Day One (Take two) After my eventful night last night I've accepted I just need to put a wall up for a while. That means NC and numbing myself until things pick up in my day to day life. She called me twice this morning on her way to work. She left a voice mail saying she felt bad about last night and wanted to talk and to call her back. I ignored it. Since she worked today that meant she'd be right around the corner from my apartment and she has a tendency to stop by unannounced afterwards. I made sure that I wasn't home for a few hours around when her shift ends. Sure enough around 4PM, I got two calls from her and a voice mail saying that she was at my apartment and I must not be home, seemed slightly annoyed and ended it with "you probably won't call me back". Kept pretty busy this evening.. went longer on the elliptical machine than I have in a while. 5.5 miles with high resistance and burned over 600 calories - kept picturing her "friends" face whenever I felt fatigued. I'm steadily losing weight and starting to get back into decent shape.. I really let myself go after getting out of the military. Hopefully tonight goes smoothly and I can get some much needed rest and keep my mind off of her. Edit: Does anyone have some input on any of this? Am I doing what I should be? There's a bit of views, am I coming off as an idiot for doing half of what I've done? Haha. Any support would be great.
Desensitized Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Hey CFM, sorry that no one has replied to your thread. And no, you're not coming off as an idiot for doing half of what you've done... Anyways, it sounds to me like your relationship is over. When I ended up breaking up with my ex-fiancee, she was also receiving texts from other guys who were interested in her at 2am and early in the morning as well (usually a good indicator that something is going on). I don't know who the other guys are, and I don't care, really. Were you wrong in looking through your ex's laptop? Perhaps, but at least you know the truth now. It always sucks to know that the person you still love has someone else on the side that they're seeing, but perhaps it's time for you to find someone new as well. It sounds like the other guy is a rebound, so instead of doing the same thing and finding someone else so quickly, take the time to heal and then put yourself back out there. Keep doing what you're doing and keep NC. She will try to contact you every once in a while, but don't give in, you'll only be setting yourself back. And also, you are right, you can't really be friends with someone you were that intimate with as soon as you end things with them - it just doesn't work that way. it'll take you a REALLY long time to get to the point where all your feelings are completely gone for her and you two can go on being ordinary friends. Until then, try and forget about her. Serious break ups always suck, and you have a long road ahead of you. You may not have a future with her anymore, but there's another girl out there that does - so look forward to that .
D-Lish Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 CFM, if you truly want to move on, you can't keep interacting with her like you do. It is an all or nothing choice, and the fact that she's seeing someone new, and has cheated on you in the past- I think you have to take charge and enforce NC. You're essentially becoming a witness to a budding relationship with someone else, why put yourself through that? She's being selfish and unfair by not leaving you alone. If my ex was coming to my place, wanting to hang out with me and continue on with some kind of twisted relationship when he was courting someone else at the same time- I'd kick his ass to the curb, and that's exactly what you need to do, or you'll never find peace. She's flaunting a new relationship in your face, every ping of a new text message is just destroying your spirit. Make a choice here- just say "no" to it. Why are you allowing her to push your buttons and play you like a fiddle? Cut off contact, it's destroying you. In order to not let that happen, you have to say good-bye, and be firm about it.
Author CFM Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 Thanks for the replies. I'm having a REALLY hard time getting perspective right now. Like I said, I blindly moved back up here and literally know absolutely no one. I know that will change when I find a job and start classes, but right now it is completely agonizing. Having her a phone call or 10 minute drive away, knowing she'll "hang out" and watch a movie or get something to eat whenever I ask pretty much eats me alive. I was falling asleep early tonight and half asleep I picked up her calling me. Had a heartfelt 2 hour conversation and when it ended it hit me.. NO progress was made. Nothing. I bled my heart out and it did nothing to her. She asked what I want to do for my birthday this weekend... all I can think is "oh god, it's the weekend.. she might sleep with him this weekend" (they only see each other on the weekend.. he's a 45min drive). And at the same time I'm obsessing over the idea of just wanting one last night together, how it used to be for so many years. I can't accept the fact that she has kissed this guy just recently, yet has refused to give me "one last kiss" for three weeks! I can't wrap my head around it.. why the hell would she not want to share one last intimate encounter with me? After SO much we shared.. after the countless times I drove 8 hours to see her on my four day weekends in the military.. after all of the pain of missing each other during deployments and after loving each other so much, how the hell does she not want that at all? Better yet, how can she deny me it knowing that she could give me it one last time and then cut it off? I feel like things just went one day to another so abruptly that I never got to say goodbye.. and that kills me. She says it has nothing to do with this other guy.. but if it doesn't then I don't get it. Is it this hard for everyone with their first long term relationship? Is it eating me up so bad because I don't have something distracting me constantly like she does with this guy? I feel so emotionally weak.. I hold my ground for 12 hours, then I crumble and give in. I feel like this guy is a rebound too.. she's known him for years and now all of the sudden she's super interested in getting intimate with him? I know her enough to know that he's absolutely nothing like what she wants in someone. Hell, she continues to claim she doesn't want to date anyone.. if she wanted to date him and be serious with him, why spare me that detail yet not the one about them making out a week ago? She's the type of girl that keeps tabs on her guy, gets ridiculously jealous and wants insane amounts of attention. I remember when we'd chat online or be on the phone she would get completely bent out of shape if I talked to someone else or didn't respond soon enough or whatever. She's not the type of girl that just wants a f*ck buddy that she's not dating. Part of me just knows that in a few months she'll realize what she did to me, be done with him, and be sorry. She's admitted that she wants me in her life forever and thinks that once she stops being angry with me that we'll probably have another chance. I guess the fact is though that I can't emotionally handle it. You're right, every time I hear the text sound my heart breaks into more pieces. I've been subjecting myself to it as punishment for leaving her to begin with.. but I still don't deserve it. I know I'm a good guy that was just going through some post deployment/army PTSD. I guess I just have to figure out how I'm going to do it, set my mind to it and just get it over with. I'll probably never understand how she could do this to me.. when I picked up my whole life and delivered myself to her.. but I guess it's just life. Timing was bad for us, like it was so many times in the past. I wish I could stop loving her, but I don't think I'll ever be able to.
Author CFM Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 Well.. shortly after this post I spent a couple hours writing her an email. I edited a picture taken our first night together with our names and the dates that we were together. A month from today would have been our fifth year anniversary, smack in the middle of our two birthdays. I pretty much said goodbye and let everything go in the email. I wished her the best and told her we should avoid all contact unless either she is ready to actually work on "us" or I get to the point where I can be simply a friend. I have a feeling neither of those things will come anytime soon. It was a good run.. lots of bumps and hills to get over, but it was worth every second. Time to put down this book and start a new one.
Author CFM Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 She called me this morning on her way to work and left a voice mail. She was angry with me for writing her "another" email like this and ruining her day. She was angry that I came up here thinking things would be different after I left her. No sadness, just anger and frustration. Less than an hour after her voice mail she texts me saying she feels like an ******* now and she didn't want any of this. Follows that with "I don't want this, I don't want to lose you, I don't want you out of my life". If she didn't want me out of her life why would she continue to hurt me? If she doesn't want to lose me, why is she pushing me away? If she wants someone else, if she's attracted to them and can talk to them all day every day, why hold onto an ex boyfriend who obviously still wants to be with her? I just don't get it and probably never will.
Still Searching Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 In no way do I think you are pathetic for any of your actions, and I know it's all tough, but seriously, go NC HARD on this b!tch. Until this other guy is out of the picture, I don't see how her words can be taken seriously. The old "actions speak louder than words" comes to mind here. She can tell you all this stuff all day long, but do her actions coincide with what she's telling you? From what I'm reading, they don't. Just focus on yourself, and being a good person. This doesn't mean you have to bend over for her and be nice. Respect yourself, first and foremost, and remove yourself from the hurt and disappointment that she seems to continuously bring to you. Good luck.
Author CFM Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 In no way do I think you are pathetic for any of your actions, and I know it's all tough, but seriously, go NC HARD on this b!tch. Until this other guy is out of the picture, I don't see how her words can be taken seriously. The old "actions speak louder than words" comes to mind here. She can tell you all this stuff all day long, but do her actions coincide with what she's telling you? From what I'm reading, they don't. Just focus on yourself, and being a good person. This doesn't mean you have to bend over for her and be nice. Respect yourself, first and foremost, and remove yourself from the hurt and disappointment that she seems to continuously bring to you. Good luck. Thanks. She just called me again.. wants me to meet her for lunch. Can't stop thinking.. ugh, it's Friday. I think I'll go.. tell her face to face, let her see that I'm seroius about it this time. I'm at my rock bottom with her.. there's very little she could do to hurt me more than she already has. She thinks this will just blow over and we'll be friends again like we always have.. maybe REALLY losing me for the first time in her life will spark something. But, I can't hope for that. I can't hope for anything at this point other than to stay strong and not give in. The other day after I ignored her all day and we finally ended up speaking.. I asked her, did you think I was going to pick up? She said yes, I knew you would eventually. She knows I'm weak right now and she's got her mind set on me giving in, showing weakness, failing. Would have done anything for this girl.
Still Searching Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Sounds like you've lost YOURSELF in all of this. Unless you're a puddle on the floor right now, I'm going to assume you still have a backbone. Reach down and make sure you still have a set, too, would you? If so, STOP giving in to her. You're right, she knows you'll give in, because you always have. You showing up to tell her face to face will do nothing. Do you think she'll buy it? I wouldn't, I can tell you that right now. You'll make a way bigger statement by blowing her off. Silence will say way more than anything you can think up, I promise you. In my opinion, this girl doesn't deserve the time of day from you. She's being entirely selfish; it's time for you to be a bit selfish yourself, and start doing what's best for YOU. I'm not normally this "hard", but trust me, I've learned through my own hardships that not respecting yourself and sticking to what your mind knows is best, rather than doing what your heart tells you, can be devastating.
bonpaw2008 Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 I agree was still searching CFM, you need to make this about you, not her. She is using you right now to make herself feel wanted, to be a soft place to land if things don't work out with the new guy, etc. None of that matters, she has made her choice and she can't have it both ways. You have been through a lot and are strong, you can do this. NC is for you to get stronger, to heal those wounds that breaking up with someone causes, to get yourself back. You have been with this girl for 5 years and she has done terrible things to you. You need to work on you, figure out why you would let someone continually hurt you and treat you this way. You are worth way more than this girl, can't wait for the last page of this journal when I hear you say just that! Best wishes - you can do this!
Author CFM Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 Thanks bonpaw. Slowly but surely I'll climb out of this rut. Just been in it so long I don't know what happiness or normality is. It's been a horrible last 3 years in almost every facet of my life and I know that I'm a good, smart, and likable person. I know a year or two from now I'll have more than enough friends and a much better perspective of everything. I don't deserve to be walked on by her or anyone else and I can't let it happen anymore.
guitarxkid Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 I've gone through some of the same stuff. My ex was out looking for new guys, always texting other guys but would still keep me on a leash by saying things like "i dont want to be without you" and "i like being with you more than anyone else". All of this is bull****. My ex was just keeping me as a backup to make her feel good until she found a new guy that she actually wanted to be with, and that eventually happened and turns out the guys shes with is the guy she cheated on me with. Anyways, don't give in to that stuff. Stay strong, if listening to her voice mails is giving you a hard time just delete them before listening; same with text messages. I wouldn't meet with you her face to face as that will just set you back farther. You've told her what you want, she needs to get the picture and realize that she can either choose to completely be with you, or leave you alone. Trust me from experience I can tell you you will get really hurt if you continue if your situation is like mine was
sun_moon Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 You will realize one day how unhealthy and selfish her behavior is. I urge you to keep this thread going STRONG for the initial purpose you intended...keep at it. You failed once, twice, a dozen times, keep trying until you get it right. Set yourself a goal, hey you succeeded in going NC 1 day, its ok if it stopped, TRY AGAIN. How many times must your heart sink before you get enough? Ok really have you read this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t278306/ CFM you can do this, when all else fails tell yourself this, i can do this i can do this, i can do this, till you ignore the calls, till you can fall asleep, till you can enjoy moments without her harassing you or your thoughts. I actually enjoyed reading your journals when you started this forum, I want to know about the cute girl that smiled at you in the gym.... Come on CFM, we are looking for you to win to persevere. Keep your daily journal, I like it, maybe I will follow along too. :-) *cough cough* Its been 6 days of NC and I'm feeling good about it. He called me earlier this evening and I missed the call, thats ok because I would not have picked up, and I did not return his call. Hmmm did he not tell me last week that he never wants to hear from me again? Of course in that call, I got nothing, no VM, no text, must not have been important... I'm really really not wanting to go to work tomorrow, wish I had plans this evening, instead I'm here ..successfully distracting myself. I cant wait till my road trip, it starts at 3am On Sunday YOUR TURN.
Author CFM Posted May 21, 2011 Author Posted May 21, 2011 Hey sun_moon, Thank you for the reply and your encouragement. I know I'm coming off as pretty dumb when I continue to stall the no contact and try to understand a situation that right now is not understandable. The fact is I have to be done with her.. I have to stop letting her get the best of me and hoping that her and I have any kind of romantic future together. Today as I replied to a couple of the earlier posts, debating lunch with her, intending to just ignore when she would ask me to meet her somewhere.. she walked up to my back door. She saw me there on the laptop and let herself in. She told me she didn't have too much time and wanted to get something quick to eat. I went with her and we drove around the corner to get some food. I was quiet on the drive, contemplating what to even say to her at this point. The email I sent last night made it pretty clear where I was. I told her she seemed pretty pissed this morning.. to which she replied "yeah, I am mad you don't want me in your life anymore". I explained, as I have a couple times already.. I really can't handle having her in my life right now. I'm not ready to be a friend and I can't let her hurt me with new relationships. I told her not seeing or talking to each other is necessary for me to move on.. and necessary if she ever wants me as a friend. She said she understands and respects my decision.. but she won't let me spend my birthday alone. She said she will not accept not spending my birthday together and doing something fun.. after that, she said that we can stop talking. I gave in and said fine.. but that leaves me waiting now until Monday before really going anywhere with this. We finished up eating, kind of changed the topic.. pretended that it isn't one of our last times hanging out together. Went back to my apartment, where she came inside for a minute. She could tell I was upset.. seeing her is just difficult. She told me that she's not doing this because of anyone else, but that she can't be with me right now, that it had to be different this time between us. Part of me thinks she's also hesitating because she doesn't want to look weak getting back with her ex.. I know a lot of her friends probably would discourage it. Anyway, she hugged me, told me she loves me, and gave me a kiss (first time on the lips since I've been here). She said she'd see me Monday and left. A few minutes later she texted me, asking if I wanted to get together tonight and hang out. Seeing as I had nothing to do, and that I can't exactly move into no contact with her for a few more days.. I accepted. She came over later in the evening and we had a great dinner together. We cuddled up in my bed together and watched a movie (with most girls would seem like a bigger deal getting in bed together.. but obviously after a 5 year relationship it just feels normal laying next to each other). The movie ended and we just laid together and she told me how tired she is and wanted to sleep until she had to go and pick up her brother. She fell asleep as I stayed up thinking. My first reaction was to be sad.. I knew this comfortability between us would soon be gone.. her scent wouldn't linger in my bed much longer. I knew getting upset would just end the night poorly, so instead I started to think about how things would be if I saw her 6-12 months from now.. after I move on, after I have a new life with new people, maybe a new girl. I thought about how it'd be to just see her as a friend, not anything more. It was weird.. but I was able to actually feel really well about it and I imagined seeing her and talking to her about my new life. I really feel like my life has places to go, that I've been robbed of a lot of opportunities and friendships that I would've had if I didn't choose the military life out of high school. Anyway, point is.. I felt fine not having her be the center of my life. It gave me some peace of mind and the realization that I will be fine without her. I fell asleep with those thoughts, and a lot of the lingering sadness faded. About an hour later I woke up to her getting a text from her brother. She had to leave. We said our byes and I didn't feel upset.. just calm. We had an uneventful, but great night together. Now I'm waiting for our time together Monday to close the door for a while. I know it will open again one day.. I know she'll be a great friend in the future. Annd as I was typing this she randomly called me. 3:45AM my phone rings.. I pick up, she asks what I'm doing. Told her I was sleeping (would've been if I wasn't on here ). She apparently had just woken up and randomly had the urge to call me? Seemed pretty odd.. I can't remember the last time she called me about nothing in the middle of the night. She chatted for a few minutes about nothing, then told me she's going to try go to back to sleep. Not sure what to think of it. Thank you guys again for the continued support and input in my thread. It really does help me out to hear about your similar experiences or just overall advice.
Tulip2005 Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 It can't be easy doing NC if she constantly gets in touch, wish mine would!. Be strong, what will be will be.
Author CFM Posted May 21, 2011 Author Posted May 21, 2011 It can't be easy doing NC if she constantly gets in touch, wish mine would!. Be strong, what will be will be. Yeah.. makes it extremely difficult. Knowing that if I called her and asked her to do something with me that night that 8 times out of 10 she would say yes is rough. She doesn't want me out of her life at all.. she just doesn't want me to be her life completely and she doesn't want to be vulnerable anymore. Part of me gets it... the stuff with her and the new friend I cannot wrap my head around though. If he wasn't in the picture I think I'd be able to handle this entire situation so much easier.
sun_moon Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 CFM, It pains me to read this. I know you love her but can I hate her for you? One day, you will have enough of this BS and you will go through your anger phase when you want nothing to do with her. I can't wait to read those messages.
kbme311 Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 I really feel for you. I was going through exactly the same and my ex was also going after someone else at the same time. I followed their relationship on facebook and it was like drinking poison. You will eventually get to the stage where anger kicks in at how she's treating you. That will only happen when you go no contact and give time for the dust to settle. You are still very much caught up in a drama and I don't see it ending happily for you. I'm sorry for what you're going through and hope you keep strong.
sun_moon Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 CFM, I'm still waiting on your daily NC journal...hmmm...where is it? lol I hope you have a HAPPY HAPPY birthday, filled with NO DRAMA, I pray wish and hope by some miracle you ditch her/un invite her last minute and go do your own thing.
Author CFM Posted May 21, 2011 Author Posted May 21, 2011 (edited) CFM, It pains me to read this. I know you love her but can I hate her for you? One day, you will have enough of this BS and you will go through your anger phase when you want nothing to do with her. I can't wait to read those messages. Day .5 - She never deserved me Ahh, how quickly things can go from bad to worse in these falling out relationships. I get woken up from her calling this morning. She asked me if I want to go to the beach with her. Half asleep I figure sure, why not, nothing else really going on today. She tells me to hurry up and get over to her house. So being the awesome friend that I am, I jump out of bed and get everything and am out the door in about 15 mins. Hell, It's the beach.. I love the beach, this couldn't go wrong. I pick her up and off we go. On the drive we chat briefly.. I see her texting and ask like an idiot who it is. She gives me the "dont" look and we carry on. I then ask her what she's got going on tonight.. obviously she's going to go see him like pretty much every Saturday night.. why the hell do I even let it cross my mind? Okay, cool, whatever. At that point we get to the beach, but as you all know.. the seed is now planted in my head. Today is going to suck. We walk to the shore, lay some towels and get our tan on. She asks me to put the lotion on her back.. of course I do. I can't help but admire her body.. most guys would find her decent, notice a few extra pounds and probably look on to the next girl with a tighter beach body, but not me. I love her body, I love every curve and every imperfection, she's perfect to me. We lay back and enjoy the breeze and warm sun and start talking about random stuff. I don't remember what brought it about, but something made me really wonder if her mother (whom she's very close with) yet knows about this new guy she's talking to (I know she never knew about her little fling guy while I was in Iraq). Maybe if she didn't know then he's nothing serious I thought. Anyway, I asked her and her response was "I don't want to talk about this...". Like a knife in my chest it hit me.. she told her mom about him, heh. He's different. So somewhere in my wonderful brain those thoughts manifested and I became very upset. She caught on pretty quick.. after all of our time together she knows when something is bothering me. She gave me her "what's wrong" in the voice that I know she's just annoyed that she has to ask. And of course I say "nothing...". After a few more minutes of thinking I just tell her that today's my birthday, not Monday. I can't do this anymore. I can't go from hot to cold, happy to depressed, fine to livid. We left the beach a little bit early.. now for the fun car ride back. I was just about every negative feeling in the book. Mad, sad, annoyed.. I looked over at her and just saw the "bitch" face. The face she makes when she doesn't care and is pissed off, the face that I know there's no reasoning with. I endure a fun 30 minutes of that, attempting to talk here and there then just going back to listening to the radio. As we neared her house I just felt so angry, so angry that things were this way now.. I felt they should and could be so good between us, but she refuses to let them be. I pull up in her driveway and we talk. She told me how she doesn't need to feel bad because she isn't my girlfriend anymore, she doesn't OWE me anything, she doesn't HAVE to care. Beside myself, I really had nothing to say.. she kept going on telling me how her and I were over when I left, how even if she gave in and we were together again that eventually she'd just get angry about our past. I was just in disbelief at how a girl that I gave everything to, fought through two terrible deployments and stuck with through SO much could talk to me this way, could just not care. As she was saying this stuff something just set me off.. like a match hitting lighter fluid my emotions just skyrocketed. I told her to stop, STOP STOP STOP talking and leave. I told her to get away from me and that I never want to see her again.. half crying, half yelling. I've never been set off like this in front of her (only other time my emotions hit me like this was after watching a friend die in Iraq) and she hesitated getting out of the car for a minute. She got out slowly, grabbed her bag, and closed the door. The second the door shut I slammed the gas (prob not a good idea in a 2010GT mustang) and peeled out of her driveway. Drove the 15 minutes back to my house.. first 5 minutes was basically sporadic incoherent yelling at the top of my lungs. A few minutes later she called.. which set me off again. Threw my phone and punched the ceiling of my car.. have a couple nice bloody knuckles now. Why the hell would she be calling me? Heh. I got home about 30 minutes ago. Gym is closed, just took a shower and trying to chill out. Right now I just feel like every ounce of me hates her. I hate everything about what's happened to us and I hate the person she is now. I'm done.. I'm so done wasting my time on this girl. She's an infestation of personal problems and I thought I could be the good guy that pulled her out of it. She pulled me down with her. I gave up lots of friends and disappointed family staying with her. For every 1 person that liked her, ten disliked her. She was needy, clingy, controlling. She gave me no privacy, she told me how to spend MY hard earned money, not to WASTE it, yet let me spend tens of thousands on her. She called me selfish when I was ANYTHING but. I would stay in night after night to talk to her on the phone, I would stay awake and get 4 hours of sleep because she wanted me to stay up and talk about nothing. During our break she had the nerve to tell me I didn't know what love is, that I never loved her. What a joke. I'm a 25 year old man with experience that most my age don't share. I've seen combat and been a leader in the United States Army. I've overcome so much adversity, dealt with so much bull****. I'm smart, I'm successful.. I have a bright future. I'm a good person. I don't need her, I can do better. I was the good guy she let get away. One day she'll realize that. She never deserved me. Edited May 21, 2011 by CFM
EgoJoe Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 I wouldn't get into the "deserve" mentality, however, it is EVERYONE's birthright to be happy. Thank you for your service.
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