chise Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Hello, I didn't expect this to finish that bad but it is too late to regret. This guy and I have been sleeping together for one year, i was so much in love with him and he didn't have the same feelings. He knew about them though. I tried to analyze everything but lately I started to admit he does not give a **** about me. But something I do not understand is the big deal he makes about how much he cares about me and all that. Long story short despite what he says, we are not friends. He does not contact me or tries to help me. He does not reply in one week and come back with lame excuses and he never tell me about his life. So i told him that I do not want to talk to him again. But he called me back saying that we should give this friendship a try and we met. We got massively drunk, we slept together and .... I freaked out. All wrong, I know. I was mean and cruel. I told him we are not friends, just f*ck buddies and next time we can skip the drinks. I told him that i do not blame but I disgust myself. He got mad. He asked me if this everything he is for me and i said yes and that two cocktails once in while cannot be meaninful for any normal person. He said: you are crazy and asked me to do not contact him again. He said he needs to think if this is still appealing. And he left. He seemed hurt. WTF ? We are not more than that so why still pretend we are friends .. I do not get why he is so upset, i just made things clear.
ladyinlimbo Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Hello, I didn't expect this to finish that bad but it is too late to regret. This guy and I have been sleeping together for one year, i was so much in love with him and he didn't have the same feelings. He knew about them though. I tried to analyze everything but lately I started to admit he does not give a **** about me. But something I do not understand is the big deal he makes about how much he cares about me and all that. Long story short despite what he says, we are not friends. He does not contact me or tries to help me. He does not reply in one week and come back with lame excuses and he never tell me about his life. So i told him that I do not want to talk to him again. But he called me back saying that we should give this friendship a try and we met. We got massively drunk, we slept together and .... I freaked out. All wrong, I know. I was mean and cruel. I told him we are not friends, just f*ck buddies and next time we can skip the drinks. I told him that i do not blame but I disgust myself. He got mad. He asked me if this everything he is for me and i said yes and that two cocktails once in while cannot be meaninful for any normal person. He said: you are crazy and asked me to do not contact him again. He said he needs to think if this is still appealing. And he left. He seemed hurt. WTF ? We are not more than that so why still pretend we are friends .. I do not get why he is so upset, i just made things clear. Why settle for being f*ck buddies with a guy? FWB situations, from what I've read and heard, never really work out for women because they eventually become emotionally connected, fall for the guy, he doesn't return those feelings because he's just looking for sex and then the woman ends up feeling hurt and used and blames the guy? Don't settle for less and THEN be p*ssed you didn't get more than you originally settled for.
SmileFace Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Why settle for being f*ck buddies with a guy? FWB situations, from what I've read and heard, never really work out for women because they eventually become emotionally connected, fall for the guy, he doesn't return those feelings because he's just looking for sex and then the woman ends up feeling hurt and used and blames the guy? Don't settle for less and THEN be p*ssed you didn't get more than you originally settled for. I hate generalizations but I don't feel like commenting.
Author chise Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Fair point but, why getting upset when I said that we are not more than that ? We do not need to pretend and try to look better than we are .. I was harsh but I am fed up with this comedy.
carhill Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 OP, a bit of advice, then my assessment: Next time, if you contemplate casual sex, do not in any way shape or form indicate to the person that you have 'feelings' for them. Further, it's better for you if you are clear in your mind and heart that you could never have feelings for them. The guy is whacked. Move on.
ASG Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Why settle for being f*ck buddies with a guy? FWB situations, from what I've read and heard, never really work out for women because they eventually become emotionally connected, fall for the guy, he doesn't return those feelings because he's just looking for sex and then the woman ends up feeling hurt and used and blames the guy? Don't settle for less and THEN be p*ssed you didn't get more than you originally settled for. That is not necessarily true. I've had several very successfull FwB/FBuddies relationships. Some that last for years even! And even if it is true that I have had feelings for a couple of guys I was FwB with, it is not true that I have always had feelings for all my FwB. And even when I did have feelings, I tried to hide them and make them go away, cause I knew things were never going to develop into a relationship. I tend to find it slightly awkward to have sex with complete strangers. I'm always scared they'll be axe murderers of some kind! That being said, OP, let it go. If you didn't have feelings you wouldn't have blown up on him. So you are slightly overreacting.
utterer of lies Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Look, the problem is not if he cares for you or not. He (most likely) does, quite a lot. The problem is that these feelings are not a priority - if he has to choose he will choose the other option. That's also one reason why he was upset or hurt or whatever after your fight....the other was the expected lack of future sex with you. But all that doesn't matter, it seems clear to me that you are not able to deal with him in a way that does not end in you suffering.
spiderowl Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 It seems like for him it has been casual and uninvolved sex - convenient and undemanding. As soon as you start to want something from him, he backs off. But you did an interesting thing and you pretty much told him you'd had enough. Now, he is wondering what he's going to lose and is trying to tell you how much you mean to him. What you need to work out now, by listening very carefully to him and paying attention to his body language, is whether he is really offering you anything or saying things in order to retain a FWB. If it's for him only, he won't talk about you or ask about your feelings - your feelings won't matter, only his. If you really do mean something to him, he will want to please you. He won't be reminding you how lucky you are to be with him, he will genuinely be wanting to make you happy (not just saying so). Pay attention to the way he behaves, not what he says.
TuffCookieX Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 That is not necessarily true. I've had several very successfull FwB/FBuddies relationships. Some that last for years even! And even if it is true that I have had feelings for a couple of guys I was FwB with, it is not true that I have always had feelings for all my FwB. I agree. I had a f*ck buddy for over a year, it ended because I graduated college, got a job, and moved. I think in order to have a SUCCESSFUL f-buddy or fwb, you must clarify with the other person that there will be no emotion/feelings involved. It only works when it's mutual. Many people go into these situations thinking they can change the other person and make them fall madly in love, but it doesn't work. And no, not just women. Statistically, men fall in love first in FWB situations.
SomewhatExperienced Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 It sounds like you both have issues you need to deal with. For one, if this guy was aware of how you felt about him he should have had the courtesy of breaking it off with you for your sake. I think it's cruel and irresponsible to use someone for sex when you're well aware that the other feels strongly about you when you just can't reciprocate emotionally. This is simply setting up the other for heartbreak. You on the other hand. Why were you so in love with some guy who clearly doesn't have feelings for you and is just using you for sex? Start raising the bar for the guys you meet. Yeesh.
OriginalPenguin Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 FWB, NSA, etc. doesn't work. If you want casual sex then it needs to be with strangers you'll never meet. . How can you have sex with somebody that you never meet? But seriously, I am not surprised that FWB situations often end up like this. Deny it all you want but I believe there is a connection between sex and emotion; sure it can be beaten back enough to numb it into oblivion and pretend it is not there but sooner or later it is going to reveal itself. Well, maybe not for sociopaths (and no I am not calling anybody who has FWBs a sociopath
TigerCub Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 OP, he's not hurt. He just thinks that you're too much drama, and he's acting like he's hurt and that's why he doesn't want to see you anymore. If he really wanted more than a FWB thing with you, he would have talked to you more often and taken you out on dates, etc... He kept his distance because you let him know that you have all these feelings for him, so he treated you like a booty call on purpose to make you know your place. (sorry, but that's how it comes across) I dunno what else to say, but let this just be a lesson for you - a FWB doesn't work if you have feelings for that person, beyond hey I like fu**ing you. My FWB experiences were with nice guys, that I can get along with - but I wouldn't date seriously, I just enjoyed the little chit chat and mostly just the sex. That's what makes a successful FWB relationship IMO. I dunno, just let this be a lesson and don't worry about his "hurt" feelings - I think he's totally just acting to end this (because of the drama factor) without being the bad guy.
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