So, did I catch her?

[dxb]

Ok, the basic background. Been in a relationship for over 4 years, very compatible, have lived together for 3 years, was thinking of proposing this summer. We're in our late 20s, we're not clueless teens. However, like all relationships there have been ‘wobbles’ and a strong suspicion she may have cheated in the past.

 

Now, the situation. And I realise the ridiculousness of asking for strangers’ advice on this.

 

She went away for a week on business last week to run a trade show. Sex had been a bit off the boil but I’m not sure whether that’s me just looking at it retrospectively – in any case, it was a mutual thing.

 

She got back this weekend and of course was all lovey-dovey. As was I.

 

Then I stupidly checked her phone messages (yes, I know. Bad sign, eh?).

 

On the second day she was away, there was a message. “Hey, the show was great today – and so were you . Stuck eating dinner all alone now [Man’s name] x”

 

She’d sent back a non-specific reply. Then there’s a follow-up text the next day asking whether she was going out that night, and she replied saying she was a bar with her team. His reply was along the lines of “Oh, damn, that’s like 30 miles away and it’s going to be really hard to get back unless I can get a bed for the night ” Then there’s some non-commital follow-up and a final sign-off of “Shame, would have been good to hang out with you and [friends’ names]. Let’s sort something out for London :* [same guy's name]” At no point in her texts is there an indication that anything is going on. It's all on him.

 

 

Men don’t text kisses to female platonic friends, do they. Or do tongue-out emoticons next to innuendo-loaded sentences. I think I just got cheated on. Do you think I just got cheated on?

 

Since she's been back she's been all very caring and attentive. I've been 'off' the whole weekend and I've explained to her it's because I've got a bad feeling that she might have hurt me and I'm a bad place at the moment. She's taken that extremely well and reiterated over and over that she loves me and she'd never do anything like that to hurt me.

 

 

Should I confront her about the content of these texts? And how? If I’m right then I’m not really bothered about looking like a possessive jackass for reading texts as the relationship's broken already; if I’m wrong, there’s obviously an issue there which could in itself break the relationship.

Edited May 23, 2011 by dxb

[Bryanp]

Let me put it this way: if the roles were reversed what do you think her attitude would be at this moment? The comment about the next London trip is worrisome.

[YellowShark]

Men don’t text kisses to female platonic friends, do they.

 

It's hard to say what your wife did. I have no idea. But you are correct. Men DO NOT text kisses to platonic friends. Especially female co-workers at a trade show.

[PegNosePete]

Men also don't make innuendo-loaded comments to female colleagues, unless they really hate their job. That's a fasttrack way to get pulled up on a sexual harassment suit.

 

So this guy is certainly not a platonic friend or a work colleague. Which leads to the question, who the hell is he?

[reservoirdog1]

The guy behaved inappropriately via his texts. Your wife, less so.

 

On the basis of what you've written, I'm not convinced you have enough information to make a determination about her.

 

I think you should lie low, act like nothing is wrong, and gather more info. Monitor her phone, email and Facebook. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

[dxb]

At the risk of making myself look like a complete chump with poor pattern recognition skills and self-esteem issues, it's probably fair I should draw attention to this post that I wrote here 2 years ago...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t194241/

 

It's the same woman - the epilogue to this tale was that things were reconciled by her saying she had the opportunity to cheat but couldn't go through with it.

 

Incidentally, after pointing out to her I've 'got a bad feeling', she's taken to hiding her phone.

[nyc_guy2003]

Normally I would say she b@nged him 8 different ways to midnight, but in this case I'm not so sure. I've seen plenty of cases where girls meet guys who tend to be overflirtatious and try to initiate things no matter how resistant the girl is. This might be one of those cases. Like, she wants to be nice and everything but is not interested in pursuing him so she is sending polite blow-off texts. I need to see the content of her texts to make a clearer judgment.

[PegNosePete]

Incidentally, after pointing out to her I've 'got a bad feeling', she's taken to hiding her phone.

Well if that isn't the biggest red flag in the history of red flags, I don't know what is!

Your bad feeling is obviously justified. She will probably let you see the phone once it's been cleaned up.

[YellowShark]

Well if that isn't the biggest red flag in the history of red flags, I don't know what is! Your bad feeling is obviously justified. She will probably let you see the phone once it's been cleaned up.

 

 

It's a cliche but true:

 

"People with nothing to hide.... hide nothing."

[dxb]

She will probably let you see the phone once it's been cleaned up.

 

This is actually what I'm banking on. My gut tells me the text content shows it happened, but it's not cast iron proof. I guess now she knows I'm concerned and if those texts are deleted, there was obviously something to hide.

 

Ah ****, I really don't need this.

[YellowShark]

This is actually what I'm banking on. My gut tells me the text content shows it happened, but it's not cast iron proof. I guess now she knows I'm concerned and if those texts are deleted, there was obviously something to hide.

 

Ah ****, I really don't need this.

 

This is how it *should* go. You ask for her phone and she gives it to you knowing there is nothing to hide on it. Instead she is hiding her phone from you - her husband.

 

Why hide her phone? Because there is something on the phone she does not want you to see. Now it's up to you to have to find out what she doesn't want you to see. Which - (if it works out like it usually does in these instances) - makes you out as the "jealous bad guy" .... (when you are actually the faithful party in all this.)

 

It's a no-win. Get ready for it.

 

Good luck.

Edited May 23, 2011 by YellowShark

[fltc]

What she did or didn't do isn't the issue, the issue is do you or don't you trust her and you obviously don't so you have to end the "relationship".

 

The quote marks are because w/o trust there is no relationship.

[Mimolicious]

For everyone that missed it, this chick is not his "WIFE" yet. He is thinking of popping the question this summer.

 

I think you should tell her. There is "NO PRIVACY" in a serious relationship. Why people don't seem to get that????

 

If she has nothing to hide then I don't see why would there be a problem.

 

You better take care of the issue before you actually get in a committed R with you GF.

[YellowShark]

For everyone that missed it, this chick is not his "WIFE" yet. He is thinking of popping the question this summer.

 

You're 100% right. I stand corrected.

 

Ergo...

 

This is how it *should* go. You ask for her phone and she gives it to you knowing there is nothing to hide on it. Instead she is hiding her phone from you - her husband boyfriend.

 

Why hide her phone? Because there is something on the phone she does not want you to see. Now it's up to you to have to find out what she doesn't want you to see. Which - (if it works out like it usually does in these instances) - makes you out as the "jealous bad guy" .... (when you are actually the faithful party in all this.)

 

It's a no-win. Get ready for it.

 

Good luck.

[PegNosePete]

Indeed - nothing to hide - hide nothing. So she definitely has SOMETHING to hide.

 

You could do what I did, but it is risky and doesn't always work. Confront her and say you KNOW what is going on. Don't be put off by her denials. Stand your ground and just keep insisting that you KNOW, until you get the truth. Don't reveal the source of your knowledge, just say you KNOW what is going on with <guy's name>. It's a bit of a bluff on your part but it will put her on the back foot, she will wonder what you know and how you found out. Watch her reaction as well as listening to her words. If she values your relationship at all then she will come clean but don't be satisfied with her first answer... whatever she tells you at first, there WILL be more.

 

It's risky because many cheaters will deny it until they are blue in the face - so you might not get your confession. Then you can ask to see her phone and if she refuses you just dump her there and then. If she lets you see then the messages will likely be gone so you can ask why she deleted them.

 

It's also risky in case you're wrong of course! You'll be on major apology duty for the next 6 months or so. But I don't think so.

[washguy74]

Unless there's something in her Sent texts that's a smoking gun, you have nothing.

 

GOTTA find a way to look up his number in her phone, research him. See who he is, where he lives, where he works. When you're ready, contact him, tell him what HE'S doing (obnoxious flirty texts) is going to stop immediately.

 

In the process, if he gets pissed and says something like "Yea well I already ****ed her", then now you totally have something concrete to confront your woman with.

[John Michael Kane]

Dude you obviously know she's lying to you about this guy so dump the trash where it belongs instead of having to deal with it while you two are married. Believe me you better RECONSIDER proposing to this cheater. You DO NOT want to deal with this crap with kids, bills, and child support 10 years down the line waiting 90 to 180 days for a divorce. Confront her then drop her.