Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater...

[CrestfallenNoMore]

Have you considered cognitive behavioral therapy?

 

We're just strangers who can guess through the filter of our own experiences. I'd suggest establishing a deeper and constant relationship with a person trained to help you peel back the layers, as unwelcome or painful that might be.

[D4ly1341]

Tman666: I just had a weird epiphany. So, if I stayed away from committed relationships and did what I do, not having to worry about harming other people in spite of my own pleasure and telling each girl I am with that I have no desire to be in or start any sort of commitment, would I be more honest than I am now? And by your definition, would that be more indicative of "manhood?"

[D4ly1341]

CrestFallen: I have. I'm actively searching for a good therapist and considering the possibilities.

 

IfWisheswereHorses: I'm sorry. I guess I just don't know. Compulsions? Habit? Social normality?

Edited May 13, 2011 by D4ly1341

[tman666]

Tman666: I also agree with the ability to understand versus the ability to know: I know right from wrong, but I suppose I don't really understand it. All my life I have been told that I am not a very empathetic person and I'm not very interpersonal as far as being able to relate to everyone else's emotions given certain critical situations they encounter. I have had my own hardships and I can understand my own emotions. For example, losing my friends in Iraq and Afghanistan has taken a serious toll on me and every day I think of them and wonder when my day comes that I wont' return home. (Surprise! I'm in the military.) However, when someone else loses a friend in combat... I still don't get why they are sad. Odd? I think so.

 

I don't know if that makes sense at all, I just got back from the gym and I am rather exhausted so my thought pattern is a bit random. Let me know if you need clarity.

 

Bro, if you're in the military, you ought to understand this word: integrity.

 

And don't go associating your behavior with your friends' deaths. I can understand that you might be in pain, but it's highly disrespectful to them to suggest that their circumstance attributes to your transgressions. Besides, weren't you doing this before any of that happened anyway? God forbid if you're actually an officer, but I digress...

 

Look, I know I'm sounding all hard ass here, but the bottom line is that cheating is scummy and honorless. I think that point has been established. If you want to sleep with multiple partners, then be single, or find a relationship that is open to that kind of thing. Don't tell your girl that you respect her and the boundaries of the relationship one day and the next day go boinking some other girl.

 

As to why you make the choices you do: who knows? And really, it doesn't matter. We could sit here and go through your life story and the skeletons in your closet, but I'm not a psychiatrist, nor is anyone else here (to my knowledge). The journey to understanding yourself if one you must undertake alone or with someone who is trained to guide you through that process.

 

Discovering any underlying causes to give meaning to your actions doesn't change the fact that you have your own free will and are completely free, as an adult, to exercise that free will. Acknowledge your pain and past abuses, and seek help for dealing with them. They don't give you a free pass to make poor choices sans consequences.

 

On the other hand, you might need professional help to get you to a point where you understand what I'm talking about. I'm in no way, shape or form "diagnosing" you, but you might read up on sociopathy and/or talk to a professional about this situation.

[D4ly1341]

Tman666: I respect your comments but if you will, I kindly ask that you do not question my integrity as a service member and my actions within the US Military. I used that example solely to clarify the meaning of what I'm trying to convey, not to provide a reason behind why I cheat. Thank you. Otherwise, please continue posting. I do appreciate your opinions greatly.

Edited May 13, 2011 by D4ly1341

[tman666]

Tman666: I respect your comments but if you will, I kindly ask that you do not question my integrity as a service member and my actions within the US Military. I used that example solely to clarify the meaning of what I'm trying to convey, not to provide a reason behind why I cheat. Thank you. Otherwise, please continue posting. I do appreciate your opinions greatly.

 

Hahahaha. Dude, what integrity?? You were the one who posted a novel about your cheatin' ways. You think you (allegedly) being in the military gives you a pass on being questioned?

 

Terminal LC, I'm guessing?

[D4ly1341]

Tman666: I'm sorry, but I feel that those are unfair statements regarding my service. I'm kindly asking that you stop questioning my service because you are presented with one (now two) glimpse(s) of who I am.

[tman666]

Tman666: I'm sorry, but I feel that those are unfair statements regarding my service. I'm kindly asking that you stop questioning my service because you are presented with one (now two) glimpse(s) of who I am.

 

Ok fine. I'll take you for your word that you are, in fact, in the military.

 

Conversely, I'll continue to question your integrity and your misplaced sense of entitlement.

[D4ly1341]

Tman666: I'll accept that. Thank you. Also, I don't feel like I have any entitlement... anymore. This has been on my mind a lot, recently. And the guilt grows hard to bare.

Edited May 13, 2011 by D4ly1341

[starryeyed12]

Disclaimer: I may be way off the mark, but here is my intitial reaction. Take from it what you want, or don't.

 

Your past seems to have all the makings for mental instability.

 

No doubt your sex addiction and lack of empathy come from your past sexual abuse and now maybe exasperated by PTSD from military duty.

 

All this ties into your use of sex as an escape from the hardships in your life, pain, trauma, fear of true intimacy. That sh*t is too heavy. Why not keep it light and fun, and it feels so good to be bad, right?

 

All this at once creates an unfulfilled void within you (which, with the sexual infidelities, I assume, leads to extreme guilt, thus driving you further into your escapism). It's an insatiable hole inside that you think you can fill with sex and pleasure, but you don't realize that it's really a bottomless pit, and you'll die still trying to fill it.

 

When you have been stuffing, stuffing, stuffing down extreme feelings for so long it becomes hard to feel much of anything. This is how a lot of people deal with truama because it seems too hard and painful to face. So hide behind your smile, sarcasm, and grin and bear it. But stuffing down trauma does not eliminate it. It spills out into other areas of your life.

 

You'll never defeat it until you face it. To defeat it you need 100% commitment and a professional to guide you.

[RecordProducer]

If I spoke my mind I would most likely get banned.

Join me in!

 

I kind of get the feeling from your post that you don't really WANT to change

Don't you all get it, he is BRAGGING!

 

First of all, your writing style is very good. Kudos to you.

You must be joking! He wrote in ten paragraphs what he could have written in two and he sounds like a 12-year old kid. It was so painful to read his rubbish.

 

Oh, and original poster... you are too old to be using the word "gal."

 

Poor your future patients.

[debarsnziclingoo]

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[DollyGirl12]

Coming from a relationship with someone like you, I can't even tell you the pain your type of actions cause when found out.

Did you say you were in the military, but you don't have health insurance? Or did I read that wrong.

Again, just wondering, as others do, why you would continue to enter relationships when you know that you don't have the self control skills to manage your behavior? When I found out what my ex did, and that he had done the same to his previous exgf, it just made me sick. Then remembering seeing some of his online dating profiles stating what a great guy he was, and how he was looking for someone with good morals, honesty, trust, and all that great stuff that we all like to hear, BLAH!! He also believed his own lies.

But, you know what you are doing is wrong. You have again entered another relationships which is not showing love at all to the person you are with. If you haven't changed anything about your past history, then you are not capable of real love and I pray that you never tell this poor girl that you love her or make her feel that way. It only hurts more when you find out you're with a liar and a cheater.

[starryeyed12]

He was definitely a bit detached from his feelings in the OP (thus, coming off boastful), but I think it was just a facade-- ego protection from what he's really feeling inside. If his story is true, then there is a lot of pain and guilt from a lot of different circumstances that he's been stuff down inside for many years, so he created quite the ego to "deal" with it. Something inside (maybe his higher self) moved him to purge some of that stuffing onto here--the good, bad and ugly.

 

If you were keeping up, you would see that it seems he does want to change. He's trying by coming here looking for people to help him figure himself out.

 

I hope he finds courage to get help and face what he's been stuffing down inside, so he can find some peace and health.

[D4ly1341]

Starryeyed: It seems like you're the only one here that is interested in giving me the benefit of the doubt. My OP might have been boastful to some, but it is right that I wanted to make is as emotionless and descriptive as possible.

 

But either way. All of you win, I've just lost someone very important to me and it's one of the most devastating things ever to happen to me. It wasn't because of any of this (oddly). I... don't really know why. So now I suppose I'll move on, I guess. I don't really have anything else to say. I have been defeated by my own choices, and now there is nothing I can do to take them back and make things right again. Or... at least make things how I want them. I am an empty person, a shell of a person and I don't know if I can be filled at this point.

 

**** it. I'll have a beer, and a smoke, and I'll dry heave once more and hopefully pass out and wake up from this terrible ****ing nightmare. I hope you are all satisfied.

 

Oh, and uhh... as far as the no medical insurance thing, it's actually pretty difficult to explain. I was a reservist for about 2 years and I was put into active duty recently. Tricare requires that you enroll into something called DEERS before you are eligible for benefits, and that also requires that you are active duty for 30 days or more, consecutively. However, I'm activated for 3 years but my orders are screwed up and say something like three weeks. So having given them the information I was declined and now I'm back to square one. The military is not all it's hopped up to be.

 

Debarsnzi: Shut your mouth. My mother is a saint.

Edited May 16, 2011 by D4ly1341

[starryeyed12]

I have been defeated by my own choices, and now there is nothing I can do to take them back and make things right again. Or... at least make things how I want them. I am an empty person, a shell of a person and I don't know if I can be filled at this point.

 

**** it. I'll have a beer, and a smoke, and I'll dry heave once more and hopefully pass out and wake up from this terrible ****ing nightmare. I hope you are all satisfied.

 

Very true, you can not go back in time to take it all back.

 

But you can live in the present, get help in the present, take steps in the present to become the man you always wanted to be.

 

This is a special time for your soul right now-- it only opens up every once in while. This stirring, unrest, fear, sadness, pain, buring in your heart--it's the flames of the forest fire burning the forest to the ground to create a place of rebirth. Let the fire burn, but don't let it get out of control. Accept that change is necessary and coming.

 

Try to accept, understand, and grow from the past, but don't live in it. The past is gone.

 

You can surprise your self with your own strength and courage. There still so much time to create your own destiny. See the forest from the trees. There is more life to live and more you to discover.

 

This here, your life so far, is a blip in time, a story that has been told by many before you and will continue after you. Realizing this may make you feel small and insignificant, and in a way you are. But simultaneously you are beautiful, strong, unique, irreplaceable, and have something important to share with the world that would otherwise not be shared if not for your presence. Take comfort that you are not alone in your struggles. Take comfort that you can learn from the mistakes of others.

 

The goal is finding peace, happiness, and creating something good with the mind and body you were given--reaching that and then in turn sharing that through whatever special way you were meant to share it.

 

Your job now is to get help, open your heart, deal with your pain without hurting yourself or others, learn to let go, learn to accept what you can not change, and try each day to put forth a better you than the day before.

 

Try doing one thing each day that helps another person in some way big or small. See if that creates a feeling of good and purpose, feed it if it does. Also, find a good professional to let it out to and to guide you.

 

Keep working. You will be ok.

[D4ly1341]

Staryeyed. IT's hard to stop myself from stepping in front of a bus.

[shadowofman]

I just want to say that I enjoyed your story immensely. I respect your clear and honest post. And while I have a moral objection to lying and cheating, I also do it often. All I can say is that the act of intimacy with another in itself is harmless and therefore the pleasure achieved is rationalized in the moment. The guilt that comes after is then suppressed and covered up because hurting your SO feelings is not pleasurable. So cheating tends to be a win win if done correctly. 9 times out of 10, I will attempt to make this win win situation a reality because the risk is worth it. Doesn't make it right. *shrugs*

[starryeyed12]

Well, re read my last post. It's about seeing the forrest through the trees. This too shall pass. Every other thing in your life passed and this will too.

 

But use the time wisely. Look into self help books. Do more research. Don't just wallow with alcohol. That's not helping, only making it worse honestly. Write your feelings out. Talk to a professional. It's normal to feel this extreme rush of emotions. You have been through a lot, truly.

 

This is part of the human condition.

 

Just hang on. You're gonna be ok.

[starryeyed12]

I just want to say that I enjoyed your story immensely. I respect your clear and honest post. And while I have a moral objection to lying and cheating, I also do it often. All I can say is that the act of intimacy with another in itself is harmless and therefore the pleasure achieved is rationalized in the moment. The guilt that comes after is then suppressed and covered up because hurting your SO feelings is not pleasurable. So cheating tends to be a win win if done correctly. 9 times out of 10, I will attempt to make this win win situation a reality because the risk is worth it. Doesn't make it right. *shrugs*

 

This is backward thinking and makes no sense.

 

Please don't share this as advice, and for your own sake, try rethinking it yourself.

 

It's never a win-win to get away with being a liar and a cheater. If you have moral objection to lieing and cheating, but you do it anyway that is called hypocrisy.

 

Look up the definition of hypocrisy.

[shadowofman]

I've never claimed that I wasn't a hypocrite in some aspects of my life. And trust me, I have optioned not to cheat far more often then the hand full of time that I have cheated. Things just happen. I will no longer be making any monogamous promises from now on. It's on someone else if they become jealous or possessive of me. This is an effort to never cheat again.

[starryeyed12]

Ok. Thanks for clarifying.

[D4ly1341]

Just a thought

 

Another part of me is the fact that I've very regularly battled with the idea that God exists. It's always been beyond me that something illogical can ever explain the unexplainable. We see random, bizarre coincidences and situations all the time, but if we don't have anything to explain why it happened, we ignore them.

 

But in recent days, because of what happened

 

I feel that God, or the idea of God, is the balance to all the logical things that we can physically sense. It's like yin and yang. You need the illogical arguments to balance out the logical ones. Otherwise we wouldn't have any sense of balance... So... I guess I found God for myself. Not like any Christian's belief in God... but I found God for myself.

[D4ly1341]

ShadowofMan: It's funny that I posted what I did about God even before I read your quote.

[shadowofman]

There is a God and a devil. They are personifications of your yin and yang. And they exist as possibilities in your own mind. To be good, you must recognize the devil that lives inside of you and knife him. Drive him out.

 

But you also can't live your life for other people, or pussy footing around other peoples sensitivities. Living your own life, even if it bothers someone else is not evil.