Been in love with her for 23 years. Possible HUGE unrequited love....

[Regular.Joe]

And somehow, with therapy, you need to work through your feelings for her and learn to let go.

 

She isn't yours, never was and never will be. As much as it's going to hurt, you need to UNlearn and get rid of the behaviour (no thinking/fantasizing, wishing, missing her) that is causing you to hang onto her.

 

^^^This is the hardest part but I am trying.

 

This is YOUR life, why waste it on someone who doesn't feel the same towards you?

 

The way you process this in your own mind, what you feel for her is NOT what she feels for you. Believe that, and believe her words (and actions) because if you don't, you're going to waste the rest of your life wanting someone, obsessing about someone, who isn't into you.

 

Sometimes I feel this way but choose to ignore it. Time to stop ignoring it. The more I think of it, the more unhealthy it seems and feels.

 

 

 

Thanks for your opinion. Some solid advice in there.

[Regular.Joe]

I think you answered yourself Joe: Your "Love Tank is Empty"

 

You are trying to fill it up yourself, but really you need a partner to do it.

How about your wife...whats her Tank Level?

 

Her love tank is low too but she continues to hold on this bad marriage. Some will say she's simply committed through thick in thin, good and bad. But I tell you, there hasn't been any long periods of tranquility between us. Even when there is a bright spot, our incompatibilities are unmistakable. She knows I feel this way.

 

We can't have a normal conversation without it turning into a competition and then into an argument. So lately I have just been conceding a lot for the sake of not arguing everytime we speak.

 

 

I understand you have major differences, but it may not be hopeless.

Since you mentioned the empty love tank...you have probably heard this also:

 

The hows and ways that make you feel loved and the hows and ways that make your wife feel loved...are probably completely different.

Now, its one thing to say: I dont care to make her feel loved

But another to say: I dont know how.

 

Yes, we did the whole 5 love types and all that. Her number one biggest love type was, yup, you guessed it, acts of service. All her other love types were scored lower. My wife doesn't want a husband. She wants a "yes man" to wait on her hand and foot while she just lays on the couch and watches tv. She is one of the laziest persons I know! She rarely cooks (maybe once or twice a week), and almost NEVER cleans up. She may have cleaned our home maybe 3 times in the last 2.5 years. I spend the majority of my time at home cleaning up after everyone because I can't stand a junky home. That was one of the reasons I left her in 2007.

 

I always thought relationships were supposed to be a two way street with some gracious give and take added in for good of the union. She doesn't give, she only takes.

 

I used to come home in between shifts (used to work two 8 hour shifts in a row) for an hour and ask for a quick shoulder massage. She would say she is too tired (mind you, she didn't work and wasn't in school but 3 days per week) and turn around and ask me to massage her feet! The house would be a mess! She would always have an excuse as to why she didn't clean up the place! So my rare days off would be spent cleaning the house!

 

So when I found out her love type was acts of service, it was really like a slap in the face.

 

What do you want from your wife, what does she want from you?

Maybe your tank doesnt have to be empty.

 

I have thought about this long and hard time and time again. My wife has issues with her mother abandoning her when she was 8. These issues have shaped the way she treats men since she was raised by her father (who is also a real piece of work). She has issues cooperating. If I make a suggestion, she won't take it into consideration unless she hears it from her sister or one of her aunts.

 

Since her mom abandoned her, she considers her mother weak and submissive. In turn, listening to anything a man tells her, is what she considers being submissive and weak. No, I am not looking for a 50's type of submissive yes woman. What I would like is cooperation. Unfortunately, this is not who she is. I don't bark orders at her. I could say something like, "hey S, lets try doing x this way because we could probably expect x outcome." She would gladly agree at first and when it comes time to act, she won't do it and we get into an argument. Then her sister or aunt will make the same suggestion and she will act like she never heard it before (I know i'm being redundant but that thing she does irritates me to no end).

 

I feel like Marsha from the Brady Bunch sometimes. I can make a suggestion about something and its like it falls on deaf ears. Then her sister or one of her aunts will make the same suggestion almost verbatim and she will act like she just heard the gospel. Then she will bring it up to me like I never mentioned the same thing before! That gives me SEVER heartburn with her when she does that, and it happens often!

 

My wife is also VERY sassy and mouthy. I'm not that way. I don't speak to her in disrespectful tones or manners. I'm not perfect by any means but i'm not a loud person by nature. My wife has a very smart mouth. This hasn't changed in the 16 years i've known her. I just can't get away from that feeling of not wanting to be around her no matter what I try.

 

The way I want her to be is not fair to her because it means she would have to change into a whole other type of person. Thats not fair to her so my thinking is, she should find herself someone better suited and matched for her personality type.

 

Ironically, she likes my personality because i'm very laid back and easy going while still having a backbone.

 

[/b]

 

 

I answered above in bold.

[Regular.Joe]

Ahhh Chew(********)

 

Oh man, your sneeze came out the other end... Here's some toilet paper for you.... I guess you really did blow it out your... ..hmm wait, nevermind... Run along now and don't forget to clean up all your BS...

[Regular.Joe]

I'm starting to catch on more quickly. If something seems off I just look to the join date. If it says the current month, we've got a winner.

 

oh dear. Another managed honor among thieves exit.

 

stone cold winner.

 

Oh man, look at the trolls trying to find others of their ilk.... Sorry, nobody's home.

[Heart On]

I have mulled over the idea of getting fixed for quite sometime but I am very afraid of any type of surgery. Not an excuse but still a real fear. And boy oh boy believe me when I tell you I know what you mean by not bringing anymore children into this world.

 

It is an inpatient procedure, that while causing fear,

isn't that big of a risk to you.

 

"The puncture is so small that it heals without stitches."

 

 

http://familydoctor.org/online/famdocen/home/men/reproductive/195.html

 

 

This is the plan. I'm not planning on leaving my marriage for the sole purpose of pursuing C. When I finally do end my marriage, I want to take some time off and try to recenter myself. A lot of things happened when I left the first time that I didn't put into my original post. For one, I was ordered to pay $569 per week in child support when I only was bringing home $650! Her and her lawyer lied through their teeth! I didn't have a lawyer till afterwards because I couldn't afford one.

 

Sometimes,it's "cheaper to keep her" happy or not,as they claim for the provider.I know as I was one too.But with a lawyer,and some compassion on your wife's part you may be able to set more realistic child support payment that won't keep you broke! I wanted out so badly from my marriage,I waived getting CS from my xH! I paid for the entire divorce

and managed to keep all my assets,home,and offer joint custody!

 

When I left, I gave her a copy of my ATM card because she wasn't working. I told her to leave $150 (about $500) per week on it and she could take the rest until she started her fulltime job 3 months later. Mind you, we had the children equal time. She started to abuse that around August when she realized I didn't want to come back and would only leave me about $30 or $40 on the card.

 

Sometimes,women choose to get even for feeling slighted.Don't give her full access to your accounts next time.

 

So when she got her job making just as much as me, I cancelled her copy of my ATM card. When I did that, she had me served with a restraining order based completely on lies. I never layed a finger on her so instead she said I made her afraid. The real reason she got the resrtraining order was because my father filed a complaint against her because she called his phone 40 times within an hour when he asked her not to call his phone.

 

Uh Oh!...she sounds a little unstable when she feels abandoned.

Try to make the divorce HER idea if at all possible!

 

I got my court dates mixed up and ended up getting screwed because I went to the wrong courthouse. So the temporary restraining order became a permanent order. Thats when I borrowed some money and lawyered up. My lawyer explained to me that I could see my kids while they were at the baby sitters while their mother was at work. So I went to try to see my daughter and later that night I got served with a violation of the order.

 

Lawyer pointed out that my kids were NOT named in the restraining order and that her and her lawyer were breaking the law by not letting me see my children.

 

It's a shame that some people choose to use thier children as pawns in divorce.I am sorry to hear what you are dealing with and what it's going to put you and your kids thru to end this relationship.

 

 

I never EVER cheated on my wife or did her dirty. My fault was that I was too nice to her and treated her well. I guess I looked weak in her eyes and she treated our marriage with no respect. She never broke contact with her ex apparently. She was extremely lazy and very manipulative. I caved in and went back because I couldn't stand being away from my kids any longer. We got back together under the stipulations that she would change and that we would get marriage counseling. After two sessions, she quit after the MC suggested working on her issues she claimed she didn't have.

 

 

Sounds all too familiar,except it was my xH who was in denial,manipulative and unwilling to do the work it took to stay married.

 

I hear you on that and regardless of how she damaged our marriage, I still wouldn't want to hurt her in the way she hurt me. I really don't want to leave my kids though, they are my world and if I left, I know my time with them would be limited!

 

Sometimes,it's the only way to regain our sanity.As a woman,or course I feel lucky to have the "court" on my side in terms of being the automatic primary care giver (some days!! lol) as I have 2 teens and a 10 year old.

 

I know how hard it is on men and how unfair it feels that you only get "visitation" and limited at that.And that's why I make sure not to play games with my xH or withhold his rights as a father despite the fact that he doesn't pay child support and never will.It's not about MONEY!

It's about what's BEST for our kids,despite our differences!

 

 

This could very well be the case. If so, I genuinely wish her the best. I'm sure I will be okay with someone else.. I'm not set on being with her, just the possibility if we were ever simultaneously single, then I thought hey, lets give it a shot, she is my very first love after all.

 

First loves are just that sometimes.They give us the feeling that anything is possible,but it's not always the case as we age.

Put your love for her in a box and wrap it with a bow and put it on a shelf so you don't feel as though you are tossing it aside,but honoring your feelings so they feel valid! Then move forward the best you can.

 

 

Thank you VERY much for understanding and giving your kind thoughts!

 

I know how hard it is to get the right kind of support in forums with so many bitter.angry and jaded people lurking around looking to judge others with thier own issues.

It's way too easy to validate someone without putting them on the defensive and that's what I aim to do when it comes to matters of the heart.I can be insensitive at times though.So glad I didn't make things harder for you.

 

 

I've thought about this and have tried too. My wife has changed some for the better. I don't hold grudges with her or anything like that. I'm not mean to her or cold. Its just that she will always be her at the core. I guess its best to say that she does many little things that are to the detriment of our compatibility. And I'm sure I probably perturb her as well. She just won't let go of this marriage even though she knows it isn't good for either of us or the kids. In a last ditch effort, I am still trying to get her to go to the MC again but she won't commit to going.

 

 

Sometimes when someone feels as though the other is blaming them for all,they can't handle the judgement and refuse to work on it and leave us no options.I didn't care that my xH didn't want a divorce or to go to MC after 24 years of his anger and my depression and powerlessness to change our marriage for the better,I finally threw in the towel and no matter WHAT he said,it was just all talk and I didn't trust him to try and change so we could carry on.I simply asked him to leave,filed for a legal separation,waited the damn year it took to file for divorce and finished it without his permission.Not a year later,he was remarried.Our marriage wasn't all that important to him,he simply didn't want to be the "bad guy" or blamed for ending it.So I happily took on the role of setting us FREE from our misery!! We are BOTH much happier without eachother now!

 

Tell me about it, I really feel I should give this whole thing up with C. Irregardless of that, I am still planning on leaving again for good this time. Its just difficult because I will miss my kids and I have to save up some money for a good lawyer first. I will not go blindly into this again like last time and get destroyed.

 

I know it's hard to leave your kids.I stayed 10 years longer than I wanted to,(even after 2 separations),for thier sake and in the end,I was forced to END IT for thier sake.

 

Kids learn how to have unhealthy relationships by seeing thier parents drama and unhappiness and it's NOT in thier best interest to hang on until both parents are emotionally dead or at eachothers throats.Our last fight woke me up and made me see that my girls were learning to tolerate abuse in the name of love and watching me be utterly disrespected was NOT healthy for them or me.Sometimes divorce has to be one sided and the more honest you are with her,the more she will hopefully respect your choice.Don't blame her for all,just remind her that you are not happy and that you are ready to end this with her.No one likes to be left!

 

Thankfully they were old enough to understand my choice was simply about SELF PRESERVATION.

 

We, as people,have a right to be happy,in love and have amazing sex but only if we feel worthy of it.Sometimes,marriages simply have shelf lives that do allow us to honor our vows.

 

Of course,you can't bet on your first love being there for you in anyway....

but you can bet on finding a way to see your kids enough to give them the knowledge that they are LOVED and you can make the choice for your and your wifes future happiness,but you have to be BLAMED for it in the beginning and hope that everyone adjusts!

 

It's not easy,but it was worth it in the long run!~

 

GOOD LUCK Regular. Joe

 

Heart On

 

Oh...and when someone here lays into your needlessly...simply ignore them as you suggested they do.

[bentnotbroken]

Oh man, your sneeze came out the other end... Here's some toilet paper for you.... I guess you really did blow it out your... ..hmm wait, nevermind... Run along now and don't forget to clean up all your BS...

 

 

Give me your integrity so I can make sure I get everything off.

Edited May 12, 2011 by bentnotbroken

[2sure]

Joe - 2 Things for you .

 

First, Bent is not a troll. She is a very smart and very right woman, like all the time. So, you dont have to like what she has to say...but you might want to think about it and tuck it away. Also, seriously, dont go back and forth w/ Bent. She could eat you alive. Very nice and caring person.

 

More importantly...now, Im no lawyer. But I have been divorced a couple of times and I'm 46 so Ive witnessed quite a few too. In my experience:

The stuff that happens regarding lawyers, judges, the law, child support, and visitation DURING the hostile divorce process....can be quite Different when the final decree is written. The process and what goes with it is the hostile part, what you end up with is generally something more reasonable.

[2sunny]

get a divorce. you are married... and NOT AVAILABLE to C.

 

she knows that. what you offer her is nothing. gals want more than nothing.

[Owl]

Here's my advice.

 

Get over C. She's where she wants to be. She's spelled it out to you pretty clearly (if nonverbally) that nothing is going to proceed between the two of you.

 

Divorce S. Your problems with S have nothing to do with your idea of pursuing C. There doesn't appear to be any love between the two of you, and you make her out to seem like a horrible human being. I don't know if that's true or not, but if that's how you feel about her then quite simply, you need to divorce her and free the both of you up to be happy.

 

Not easy...but simple when you just work it out.

[Regular.Joe]

Joe - 2 Things for you .

 

First, Bent is not a troll. She is a very smart and very right woman, like all the time. So, you dont have to like what she has to say...but you might want to think about it and tuck it away. Also, seriously, dont go back and forth w/ Bent. She could eat you alive. Very nice and caring person.

 

If Bent wants to say something consrtuctive, be my guest. If he/she wants to say something negative, that's their prerogative too. But don't expect me to be intimidated by anyone on any forum because of whatever reason.

 

I'm gonna take Heart On's advice and not do the back and forth thing with anyone that doesn't have anything constructive to say.

 

I'm not here to argue with anyone. I had an issue, this seemed the best forum and SUBFORUM to post my issue, and some pretty cool people good advice. I didn't like all the advice i've read because the truth does hurt sometimes but I still respected what was said when it was said in a sincere and constructive way. It was the troll and negative comments that were uncalled for. Im not by any means new to forums so I know how it works. I am also no fool. I can detect the negative tones in some of the posts. The whole "oh this poster or that poster is a troll" is way over used and abused by veteran posters.

 

More importantly...now, Im no lawyer. But I have been divorced a couple of times and I'm 46 so Ive witnessed quite a few too. In my experience:

The stuff that happens regarding lawyers, judges, the law, child support, and visitation DURING the hostile divorce process....can be quite Different when the final decree is written. The process and what goes with it is the hostile part, what you end up with is generally something more reasonable.

 

I've never heard it put that way and it does give me a glimmer of hope.

 

 

I applied above in bold.

[Regular.Joe]

get a divorce. you are married... and NOT AVAILABLE to C.

 

she knows that. what you offer her is nothing. gals want more than nothing.

 

I wasn't trying to pursue a relationship with her. This I told her, especially while we were both married. However, you are probably correct in saying she thinks i'm unavailable and cannot offer her anything. I think the whole thing that brought this to a head for me was I got wrapped up in communicating with her more than usual these past months and went against my own wishes and started wanting more deep down inside. And I KNOW that is not the right thing to do.

[Regular.Joe]

Here's my advice.

 

Get over C. She's where she wants to be. She's spelled it out to you pretty clearly (if nonverbally) that nothing is going to proceed between the two of you.

 

This is the jist I got. Thats why I came here to this forum.

 

Divorce S. Your problems with S have nothing to do with your idea of pursuing C.

 

I have ALWAYS kept my problems with S separate from anything with C. Its not like I only loved C because things are bad with S.

 

There doesn't appear to be any love between the two of you, and you make her out to seem like a horrible human being.

 

This is the problem with trying to portray a spouse with whom your having problems with. You naturally only list the bad attributes. She has some good attributes too and shes not a horrible human being. Its just she doesn't know how to treat guys. But I think she probably would do well with someone better matched with her personality. I don't hate her, nor do I waste time thinking negatively of her all the time (I used too for a good while but stopped because it wasn't doing neither of us any good to just dwell on the negative all the time). Its just that so much damage has been done to our marriage that I truly believe there is no coming back from the mess.

 

I don't know if that's true or not, but if that's how you feel about her then quite simply, you need to divorce her and free the both of you up to be happy.

 

Not easy...but simple when you just work it out.

 

I wish I could just work it out and divorce amicably. She doesn't want a divorce.

 

 

I answered above in bold.

[Regular.Joe]

I have mulled over the idea of getting fixed for quite sometime but I am very afraid of any type of surgery. Not an excuse but still a real fear. And boy oh boy believe me when I tell you I know what you mean by not bringing anymore children into this world.

 

It is an inpatient procedure, that while causing fear,

isn't that big of a risk to you.

 

"The puncture is so small that it heals without stitches."

 

 

http://familydoctor.org/online/famdocen/home/men/reproductive/195.html

 

I decided to get the Vasectomy! I called one of my best friends who had the procedure done and its not nearly as bad as I thought it was. Hopefully I can get an appointment before the end of the month.

This is the plan. I'm not planning on leaving my marriage for the sole purpose of pursuing C. When I finally do end my marriage, I want to take some time off and try to recenter myself. A lot of things happened when I left the first time that I didn't put into my original post. For one, I was ordered to pay $569 per week in child support when I only was bringing home $650! Her and her lawyer lied through their teeth! I didn't have a lawyer till afterwards because I couldn't afford one.

 

Sometimes,it's "cheaper to keep her" happy or not,as they claim for the provider.I know as I was one too.But with a lawyer,and some compassion on your wife's part you may be able to set more realistic child support payment that won't keep you broke! I wanted out so badly from my marriage,I waived getting CS from my xH! I paid for the entire divorce

and managed to keep all my assets,home,and offer joint custody!

 

The thing that was terrible was everytime I got a set court date to change the child support, her and her lawyer would get a postponement! They tried to get a 6 month postponement using the excuse that S was clinically depressed! The crazy thing is, she almost got the postponement! That meant I wouldn't have seen my kids for that long! I caved and went back. We had everything dropped.

 

When I left, I gave her a copy of my ATM card because she wasn't working. I told her to leave $150 (about $500) per week on it and she could take the rest until she started her fulltime job 3 months later. Mind you, we had the children equal time. She started to abuse that around August when she realized I didn't want to come back and would only leave me about $30 or $40 on the card.

 

Sometimes,women choose to get even for feeling slighted.Don't give her full access to your accounts next time.

 

My lawyer said I was a fool to do that. While it looked noble, the judge could have used that in determining the child support payments to my detriment.

 

So when she got her job making just as much as me, I cancelled her copy of my ATM card. When I did that, she had me served with a restraining order based completely on lies. I never layed a finger on her so instead she said I made her afraid. The real reason she got the resrtraining order was because my father filed a complaint against her because she called his phone 40 times within an hour when he asked her not to call his phone.

 

Uh Oh!...she sounds a little unstable when she feels abandoned.

Try to make the divorce HER idea if at all possible!

 

This is the plan! I have been slowly trying to convince her that we could just be better as friends. I honestly don't think she is buying it though.

 

I got my court dates mixed up and ended up getting screwed because I went to the wrong courthouse. So the temporary restraining order became a permanent order. Thats when I borrowed some money and lawyered up. My lawyer explained to me that I could see my kids while they were at the baby sitters while their mother was at work. So I went to try to see my daughter and later that night I got served with a violation of the order.

 

Lawyer pointed out that my kids were NOT named in the restraining order and that her and her lawyer were breaking the law by not letting me see my children.

 

It's a shame that some people choose to use thier children as pawns in divorce.I am sorry to hear what you are dealing with and what it's going to put you and your kids thru to end this relationship.

 

I've still got serious heartburn about that. I don't like how she tried to keep my kids away from me and tried to have me arrested when going to see my daughter. My daughter and I are pretty much joined at the hip. She knew how to hurt me.

 

 

I never EVER cheated on my wife or did her dirty. My fault was that I was too nice to her and treated her well. I guess I looked weak in her eyes and she treated our marriage with no respect. She never broke contact with her ex apparently. She was extremely lazy and very manipulative. I caved in and went back because I couldn't stand being away from my kids any longer. We got back together under the stipulations that she would change and that we would get marriage counseling. After two sessions, she quit after the MC suggested working on her issues she claimed she didn't have.

 

 

Sounds all too familiar,except it was my xH who was in denial,manipulative and unwilling to do the work it took to stay married.

 

I hear you on that and regardless of how she damaged our marriage, I still wouldn't want to hurt her in the way she hurt me. I really don't want to leave my kids though, they are my world and if I left, I know my time with them would be limited!

 

Sometimes,it's the only way to regain our sanity.As a woman,or course I feel lucky to have the "court" on my side in terms of being the automatic primary care giver (some days!! lol) as I have 2 teens and a 10 year old.

 

I know how hard it is on men and how unfair it feels that you only get "visitation" and limited at that.And that's why I make sure not to play games with my xH or withhold his rights as a father despite the fact that he doesn't pay child support and never will.It's not about MONEY!

It's about what's BEST for our kids,despite our differences!

 

WOW! You are a different breed! Most women I know want to take their guy to the cleaners for child support. I applaud you for standing on your own two feet and taking care of your responsibilities. I'm not sympathizing with your xH, as he should step up to the plate and take care of his share of the responsibilities too. Its just rare to meet women with your outlook on this issue. Kudos to you!

 

 

This could very well be the case. If so, I genuinely wish her the best. I'm sure I will be okay with someone else.. I'm not set on being with her, just the possibility if we were ever simultaneously single, then I thought hey, lets give it a shot, she is my very first love after all.

 

First loves are just that sometimes.They give us the feeling that anything is possible,but it's not always the case as we age.

Put your love for her in a box and wrap it with a bow and put it on a shelf so you don't feel as though you are tossing it aside,but honoring your feelings so they feel valid! Then move forward the best you can.

 

I actually read this reply shortly after you posted it. This statement above has been on my mind all day. This is exactly what I am going to do. I was conflcited at first. Asking myself, "do I just try to fall out of love with her? Do I just not think about her etc?" The thing is, like you said, even though things may not turn out the way I like, it still doesn't negate the fact that I have loved her. It doesn't even feel natural to act like I didn't love her or diminish it in any way. So, I really like your suggestion and thats what I'm going to do. Thank you for that

 

 

Thank you VERY much for understanding and giving your kind thoughts!

 

I know how hard it is to get the right kind of support in forums with so many bitter.angry and jaded people lurking around looking to judge others with thier own issues.

It's way too easy to validate someone without putting them on the defensive and that's what I aim to do when it comes to matters of the heart.I can be insensitive at times though.So glad I didn't make things harder for you.

 

Yo speak nothing but the truth!

 

I've thought about this and have tried too. My wife has changed some for the better. I don't hold grudges with her or anything like that. I'm not mean to her or cold. Its just that she will always be her at the core. I guess its best to say that she does many little things that are to the detriment of our compatibility. And I'm sure I probably perturb her as well. She just won't let go of this marriage even though she knows it isn't good for either of us or the kids. In a last ditch effort, I am still trying to get her to go to the MC again but she won't commit to going.

 

 

Sometimes when someone feels as though the other is blaming them for all,they can't handle the judgement and refuse to work on it and leave us no options.I didn't care that my xH didn't want a divorce or to go to MC after 24 years of his anger and my depression and powerlessness to change our marriage for the better,I finally threw in the towel and no matter WHAT he said,it was just all talk and I didn't trust him to try and change so we could carry on.

 

This is the same theme we are having now. She is in denial or just doesn't want to be alone. Even after 3 children, she is very pretty and still has a nice body. She could find someone quickly so I don't understand why she is holding on.

 

I simply asked him to leave,filed for a legal separation,waited the damn year it took to file for divorce and finished it without his permission.Not a year later,he was remarried.Our marriage wasn't all that important to him,he simply didn't want to be the "bad guy" or blamed for ending it.So I happily took on the role of setting us FREE from our misery!! We are BOTH much happier without eachother now!

 

This is my problem too, not wanting to be the bad guy in my children's eyes. I know they would understand when they got older but I know S would bad mouth me to the moon and back to my kids.

 

 

Tell me about it, I really feel I should give this whole thing up with C. Irregardless of that, I am still planning on leaving again for good this time. Its just difficult because I will miss my kids and I have to save up some money for a good lawyer first. I will not go blindly into this again like last time and get destroyed.

 

I know it's hard to leave your kids.I stayed 10 years longer than I wanted to,(even after 2 separations),for thier sake and in the end,I was forced to END IT for thier sake.

 

Kids learn how to have unhealthy relationships by seeing thier parents drama and unhappiness and it's NOT in thier best interest to hang on until both parents are emotionally dead or at eachothers throats.Our last fight woke me up and made me see that my girls were learning to tolerate abuse in the name of love and watching me be utterly disrespected was NOT healthy for them or me.Sometimes divorce has to be one sided and the more honest you are with her,the more she will hopefully respect your choice.Don't blame her for all,just remind her that you are not happy and that you are ready to end this with her.No one likes to be left!

 

Thankfully they were old enough to understand my choice was simply about SELF PRESERVATION.

 

I'm glad you got your peace of mind and sanity back! I hope my kids understand.

 

We, as people,have a right to be happy,in love and have amazing sex but only if we feel worthy of it.Sometimes,marriages simply have shelf lives that do allow us to honor our vows.

 

Of course,you can't bet on your first love being there for you in anyway....

but you can bet on finding a way to see your kids enough to give them the knowledge that they are LOVED and you can make the choice for your and your wifes future happiness,but you have to be BLAMED for it in the beginning and hope that everyone adjusts!

 

It's not easy,but it was worth it in the long run!~

 

GOOD LUCK Regular. Joe

 

Heart On

 

I am already to the point where I don't care if i'm the bad guy or take the blame. I KNOW she will thank me later and be happier with someone else just as I would.

 

Thank you for everything Heart On, your an awesome person!

 

Oh...and when someone here lays into your needlessly...simply ignore them as you suggested they do.

 

Will do!

[Heart On]

So happy to have been able to help you out!

 

I do get it as I have been in your shoes.

 

It's easy to symapthize and offer hard won advice

 

when someone is open to suggestions!

 

It's not going to be easy,but nothing worth having ever is.

 

GOOD LUCK Regular. Joe!

 

And you are more than welcome!

 

Kristin

[Regular.Joe]

Update! We kissed for the first time this past thanksgiving and made love for the first time this past new years eve. I'm soooo happy about this!

[Realist3]

Congrats! Enjoy!

[ThatJustHappened]

Update! We kissed for the first time this past thanksgiving and made love for the first time this past new years eve. I'm soooo happy about this!

 

So you divorced your wife?

[Regular.Joe]

So you divorced your wife?

 

Separated but living together.

Edited January 15, 2013 by Regular.Joe

[whichwayisup]

Separated but living together.

 

Does your wife know about your OW?

 

If no, why not? This way she can do as she pleases as well - See other guys.

[2sunny]

I wasn't trying to pursue a relationship with her. This I told her, especially while we were both married. However, you are probably correct in saying she thinks i'm unavailable and cannot offer her anything. I think the whole thing that brought this to a head for me was I got wrapped up in communicating with her more than usual these past months and went against my own wishes and started wanting more deep down inside. And I KNOW that is not the right thing to do.

 

She doesn't want to know what's "deep down" inside you... She already told you that's too much for her.

 

Your emotional level is not equally matched with hers.

[anna121]

Hello Joe,

 

 

So C and I started communicating more than before. Then during the end of Jan, I don't know what came over me but I had this feeling that I should write to her and tell her how I REALLY felt about her because I had only told her that I liked her before. So over the next few days, I started writing down the things I wanted to say to her and in the end I can truly say I wrote exactly what I wanted to say to her. I also made her a mix cd to go along with the letter.

 

...

 

So I wrote her a letter that was TOTALLY non-weirdo, non-stalkerish, non-crazy-guy'ish and managed to tell her I loved her at the end of it. In the letter I let her know that I had felt that way about ever since we first met. I said that things are complicated now since we are both married and maybe hopefully when we are older and single, we will have a chance to be together.

 

So after two weeks, I finally got the balls to ask her what she thought of the letter and cd. She said the CD was great but the letter was "too deep." I didn't ask her to explain what she meant because she was getting ready to go back to work from break. Since then, we have spoken consistently every week. Sometimes by phone sometimes by text. I surprised her with The Notebook DVD since in one of our conversations she said it was her favorite love movie (mine too since it reminds me of our situation or better yet, what I'd like our situation to be like).

 

However, over the last two or three weeks, I have noticed our communication has become less and less. Before, we'd have long text or phone convos and she would ALWAYS respond. Now, If I text her, I get one word responses. That is very disheartening. So much so that I said to heck with it all and stopped texting and calling her. I know the signs of a disinterested person. I gave it one more shot on Mother's Day and got a one word response. I have since seen her in her car and I didn't even honk the horn or text her hello (which I used to do when I seen her around town). I am SUPER CRUSHED inside. I am experiencing a pain unlike any I have ever experienced before. I don't know what to do. I won't call her because I don't want to ruin it coming off all emotional to her.

 

I mean, I do try to put myself in her shoes and try to guess what she thinks and I can see the fact that i just had a baby probably gives her great pause but she knows me and knows that my responsibilities are just that, my responsibilities. She has small children too. I wouldn't ever put my kids off on her like she should help me take care of them.

 

I just really wonder why all of sudden she stops communicating with me. Did I do something wrong? Its just an EA as we have never even kissed. And like I said, I'm not asking her to start an affair with me, I just want to know how she truly feels about me.

 

 

My read on the situation is that she is not interested. Meaning (at the very least): she has done a cost-benefit analysis and has concluded that there are more negatives than positives to pursuing something. The other possibility is that her feelings are simply are not as strong as yours (and, yes, I take account of the fact that she told you what she felt while you were kids).

 

I think the letter probably scared her off no matter how "non-stalkerish, not-weird" you tried to make it. That is not an irrational response.

 

I think that, hell, yes, your marriage-and-family status gives her quite a bit of pause.

 

I know that you feel like you love her, but alot of the above is not about her, but about YOU. Think about what she is telling you, by deeds if not words. Respect it.

 

And then get on with figuring out what to do about your family situation.

 

Good luck.