Brokenhearttornapart Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 so now it's getting even more interesting - OW's boyfriend that she lives off of thinks that my H is OW's new boyfriend and is kicking OW out of their place. OW now has to move and is moving to SC with her friend, but get this - my H wants to take in her 3 cats. He says that he feels bad for the cats because OW's bf wants to just ship them off to FL and that OW deserves to have her cats. He asked me about us keeping the cats for her. I never liked OW in the beginning and now I'm trying to prove to H that I'm not insecure and jealous and stuff and I'm really really hoping that he looks at this, my accepting of this, as a step in the right direction. H let me listen to a computer recording that OW sent him of OW's bf accusing her of being with H and saying to her that she was "breaking up a marriage" and saying some of other things. She did partially break up our marriage, but what got me was the fact that OW's bf thought that I had no idea that H and OW were talking late at night at all. He made me look like an idiot in that convo he had with OW!! I was infuriated. Well anyway, so OW asked if H was available to come help her move out of her bf's place because she doesn't have any other friends - boohoo for her. H has now told me that OW's abusive boyfriend didn't allow her to have any friends. Freakin boo hoo pity story (sad part is that it's working on H!). So I went ahead and suggested to H that I come with him to help her move (that maybe it will make OW's bf feel like an idiot). H agreed as long as OW is okay with it (and when I asked him why she wouldn't be, he stated that we should protect her privacy) - can you believe this?? OMG. It pisses me off so badly. I mean really... it's bad enough that she partially ruined my marriage, now when I am putting forth effort in being trusting of him he's going to talk about us respecting HER privacy? UGH. I can see that he's trying to be a good boss and a good friend - I can see his noble intentions. However, I still don't trust her and I never will
robf1971 Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 so now it's getting even more interesting - OW's boyfriend that she lives off of thinks that my H is OW's new boyfriend and is kicking OW out of their place. OW now has to move and is moving to SC with her friend, but get this - my H wants to take in her 3 cats. He says that he feels bad for the cats because OW's bf wants to just ship them off to FL and that OW deserves to have her cats. He asked me about us keeping the cats for her. I never liked OW in the beginning and now I'm trying to prove to H that I'm not insecure and jealous and stuff and I'm really really hoping that he looks at this, my accepting of this, as a step in the right direction. H let me listen to a computer recording that OW sent him of OW's bf accusing her of being with H and saying to her that she was "breaking up a marriage" and saying some of other things. She did partially break up our marriage, but what got me was the fact that OW's bf thought that I had no idea that H and OW were talking late at night at all. He made me look like an idiot in that convo he had with OW!! I was infuriated. Well anyway, so OW asked if H was available to come help her move out of her bf's place because she doesn't have any other friends - boohoo for her. H has now told me that OW's abusive boyfriend didn't allow her to have any friends. Freakin boo hoo pity story (sad part is that it's working on H!). So I went ahead and suggested to H that I come with him to help her move (that maybe it will make OW's bf feel like an idiot). H agreed as long as OW is okay with it (and when I asked him why she wouldn't be, he stated that we should protect her privacy) - can you believe this?? OMG. It pisses me off so badly. I mean really... it's bad enough that she partially ruined my marriage, now when I am putting forth effort in being trusting of him he's going to talk about us respecting HER privacy? UGH. I can see that he's trying to be a good boss and a good friend - I can see his noble intentions. However, I still don't trust her and I never will Boundaries, Sorry but this is way the f*ck innapropriate you to your husband "husband this is not acceptable to me, the rebuilding of our marriage is only possible if you have no more contact with xyz (insert OW's name).
Author Brokenhearttornapart Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 Boundaries, Sorry but this is way the f*ck innapropriate you to your husband "husband this is not acceptable to me, the rebuilding of our marriage is only possible if you have no more contact with xyz (insert OW's name). It is and we are in his eyes separated. I still live with him which technically by the state we are not separated but he is no longer in love with me and he has made that perfectly clear, he even gave me a dead line as to be out of here. I have loved him and I have made my own mistakes (being insecure and jealous) but he is making it perfectly clear where his priorities lie. He's helping her move and I asked him to call her about allowing me to help her move but instead he got angry and replied that I was "harassing" him. I thought I was helping, I thought I was doing this out of showing him that I am no longer insecure, however his response makes me question if I was right all along. It makes me think that he just didn't want to ask and that later on he will call me and tell me that she said no when in reality he just didn't want to ask. It hurts. I'm trying to make the best out of a bad situation right now. I've tried to get back together with him, I have changed my insecure ways, i'm doing what's best for my daughter and I by applying to as many jobs as I can and trying to get out of here without having to live with my mother who lives in a trailer and lose my custody that I have worked really hard to earn. I want him to eventually see that while yes, I do feel animosity toward her and I do blame her for partial fault in making our marriage end, I also see this clearly now - not the way that OW's bf sees it. I am not psychotic, never been, never will be. I like to help people when they are in bad situations and I am not tolerant of physical abuse. It pisses me off that he even suggested that we keep those 3 cats but I need to make a point to him that I am better than I used to be about situations. Had this situation occurred a month ago, I would be flipping out right now. I wouldn't accept those cats being here and I would be beyond hurt - I would be angry. I would look at this like this is just the first step of her moving in and then I would lash out at H. I want to be there to help OW move out because I want to prove to everyone that not only am I not who I used to be, but i'm secure in my own skin and can handle my own. I want to see how OW and H act around each other now that we are "separated", I want to see if there is any changes going on, but more so I want to validate to OW's bf that I am no idiot and that I knew all along that they were talking all night about work related things. Again today I told him if I found out later on that they were really together that I would feel like a dang idiot. This time his response was "there wouldn't be any proof", I responded with "don't you think that if you were with her and later on I would be moved out, if I were to try to get you back then OW would lash out at me stating that you were together all that time?" - he realized I had a point. It's funny really how he didn't think of that. He claims that they are just platonic friends and that he's trying to help her out because she's in a bad situation. I believe him but I'm also cautious (as I should be).
worldgonewrong Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 So I went ahead and suggested to H that I come with him to help her move (that maybe it will make OW's bf feel like an idiot). No it won't. It will make YOU look like an enabling idiot to the OW. Unless you want to toss all of your self-respect out the window, do not do this.
Author Brokenhearttornapart Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 I went ahead and sent her an e-mail (before seeing your response) stating that I would like to help her move. H was very pissed at this when I called him and told him. He's worried that he will have lost HER trust because he let me listen to the tape last night of her OW's bf accusing her of being with H. I wanted to prove a point of security and to let her see where I was coming from. Being that H is computer suave and has administrator access to the company accounts, he's trying to delete the e-mail that I sent. I didn't think what I was doing was wrong - I thought I was being helpful and look where it got me - he's pissed and I'm hurt that he's pissed - again What eats me up in this whole thing is that either a) he is trustworthy and has had a platonic friendship with OW and I could have just ruined a good business relationship or b) he's covering his butt and the things that I said in the e-mail could blow up what he has with her. I'm still holding on to option "a", but I am cautious of "b" because it makes sense.
Irishlove Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I have to agree with the other posters. The OW and her xBF are NONE of you or your H problem. The cats are the OW problems as well. I'd say noooooooooooooooooooooo
Trimmer Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I think that, in an attempt to act more secure and confident, you are effectively discarding reasonable boundaries. Being secure and having solid, appropriate boundaries are not two different things - they should go together. Had this situation occurred a month ago, I would be flipping out right now. I wouldn't accept those cats being here and I would be beyond hurt - I would be angry. How in the world did he convince you that this is "insecure" instead of enforcing boundaries in your relationship? He has you seriously messed up... And you say if it occurred a month ago, you'd be flipping out? Well, it seems that you still are - inside : It pisses me off that he even suggested that we keep those 3 cats but I need to make a point to him that I am better than I used to be about situations. ... but now you are just swallowing your real feelings, and letting him walk all over you in the hope that this will make you SEEM "secure".
dreamingoftigers Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Whoa whoa whoa, why the Hell are you supposed to be buddy-buddy or sympathetic with any if these people? And why the Hell are you worried about looking insecure in front of them? **** them! I feel pretty damn insecure when there is an OW in the picture and my H needs to take responsibility for that dynamic! Excavate these people from your life. Especially your h until he listens to what YOU need to feel better and more secure about the situation.
worldgonewrong Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I went ahead and sent her an e-mail (before seeing your response) stating that I would like to help her move. Put the brakes on NOW, regardless. Send her a follow-up email with an excuse that you can't and leave it at that. This whole situation is mentally unhealthy for you.
Author Brokenhearttornapart Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 I have to agree with the other posters. The OW and her xBF are NONE of you or your H problem. The cats are the OW problems as well. I'd say noooooooooooooooooooooo I wish it had been that simple. When OW is second in command to H in his company, they have to maintain a business relationship with trust. H felt bad for OW today and helped her get out of a bad situation. Call me stupid, but I still believe in H - didn't today, but I'm starting to again. He felt like the cats were these innocent little creatures that would be sent to FL (apparently OW's xBF's dad is a millionaire and would have them shipped) and that they didn't deserve to be shipped off (which I agree with, as much as I couldn't stand the idea of having little reminders of OW lurking around where I live). Luckily, OW took them to where she moved so it's a non issue at this point
Author Brokenhearttornapart Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 I think that, in an attempt to act more secure and confident, you are effectively discarding reasonable boundaries. Being secure and having solid, appropriate boundaries are not two different things - they should go together. How in the world did he convince you that this is "insecure" instead of enforcing boundaries in your relationship? He has you seriously messed up... And you say if it occurred a month ago, you'd be flipping out? Well, it seems that you still are - inside : ... but now you are just swallowing your real feelings, and letting him walk all over you in the hope that this will make you SEEM "secure". A month ago, when we were married I had hugely irrational feelings of insecurity and jealousy. It was because I had never been in a relationship (let alone a marriage) where I hadn't been left for another woman or cheated on. Internally I didn't realize that until later on, but I kept punishing other women for all of it. H convinced me that I was being insecure and irrational because it was all for the company, every night of talking until 3-4am was all for documentation and getting things started up. I believed in H, but never OW. As time went on, I would ask H what he wanted for dinner and would get this awful look from H's face like I had just hassled him. At the time I took it as H was drifting away and wanted more to do with OW than me (since that's who H was talking to while looking annoyed that I wanted to feed him), but after leaving me, H would tell me that it wasn't that he was annoyed with me asking him things, it was that he was in his "work zone". Unfortunately for me, that work zone exclusively included OW. As H worked harder and harder (every night for the company, during the day for his regular job), H became more and more stressed. You could see it in H's eyes that he was overworked and that H wanted to get the company started already. We had talks about how wonderful it would be to have the business end up really successful, but then he would talk about OW all the time and how "great" she was. That evil little green monster came out of me so many times when it came to OW because it felt like (at the time) H was going out of his way to talk about her and that OW became who H wanted to talk to, not me. Even at dinner one time, H texted OW that they "would get busy on the couch" the next day while having dinner at a sit down Mexican restaurant with me. H laughed it off stating that it was a "accident" and he meant that they would have a business meeting on the couch the next day (which they did) but I didn't find it funny. Even to this day he laughs it off but looks at me like I was the one that did something wrong for being hurt about it.
Author Brokenhearttornapart Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 Put the brakes on NOW, regardless. Send her a follow-up email with an excuse that you can't and leave it at that. This whole situation is mentally unhealthy for you. I didn't end up going, he did. I went to a job interview today and this post happened: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3381092#post3381092 I agree with the fact that it's mentally unhealthy for me. It feels like not only do I have to deal with the stress of finding somewhere else to live, another job, and dealing with the fact that H flat out feels nothing for me anymore, but now I have felt pressure into feeling sympathy for OW (who was abused and H helped her move out). I told him tonight after our short talk before he left (until sat night-sun he said) that if our friendship in the end is going to work out, I have to accept OW's friendship with him. Does this mean that I'll have to accept them together down the road if they happen? Not at all. H will move on with his life and I have to move on with mine. I cannot make him come back to me, nor will I try. My main focus is my little girl and now it's finding a job. I gotta go to sleep - it's 1:30am here and I have to wake up in 4 hours. I'll ttyl
Mimolicious Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Where do they find this people???? Why are you allowing this? Unreal. Send the cats, your H and OW all in the same box to the nearest shelter.
Hhhh Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Where do they find this people???? Why are you allowing this? Unreal. Send the cats, your H and OW all in the same box to the nearest shelter. I agree with this guy, Wow you going about this all wrong take the advice from the other posters. Your making irrational decisions because your heart is still broken. You got to start thinking with your head not your heart.
Author Brokenhearttornapart Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 I agree with this guy, Wow you going about this all wrong take the advice from the other posters. Your making irrational decisions because your heart is still broken. You got to start thinking with your head not your heart. yes, i'm heartbroken, but even today I do trust him. I know it sounds crazy right? He's out working during the day, clubbing at night with his co-workers at his regular job (not the job that the OW was at) and I'm over here crying and wishing I hadn't messed up so badly. I'm wishing that we could renewed our vows and been at this wonderful place right now. I can't change how he feels but I wish he would. Even though to everyone else it's "obvious" that he's been with OW for a long time, I've believed in him. I just wish that meant something to him too
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