Hardest Question This Board's Ever Seen

[chucksagent]

Universe you make a good point and I get that side of it. But I think....

 

IRA - ....gets the main point best. She is in the prime of her life in what appears to be a great relationship from all parties involved. Isn't she giving up a LOT from HER OWN LIFE that she may look back one day and regret.

 

As I said, her sister when she was in her courtship with the scumbag who screwed her over and PUT her in this situaiton didn't have to do tasks 26 Friday's and 26 Sunday's a year...they were probably allowed to have a totally uninterrupted courtship... MUCH LIKE everyone else in her life isn't being bothered to go with her. Why should this ENITRE burden fall to my girlfriend.

 

PS: She is a people pleaser and admitted so. Makes her a great person but also succeptable to being taken advantage of.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Very Fair Chaucer...

 

but what if in fact she IS being guilted into it? Nobody seems to be addressing that aspect of it.

 

Well, she is a grown woman ... if she is susceptible to being manipulated by guilt trips, and she wishes to change that, she will have to work on it. If she is okay with it, then so be it. Either way, it is really HER issue, not yours. Your issue is whether you want to continue to be in a relationship with someone who is rarely available for you, or not.

[melodymatters]

I will only respond to the portion of your question where you asked if spending a large amount of time doing community theatre was a valid use of time.

 

Both my parents were involved in the theatre when they met and I was first onstage by 5. I continued to perform throughout my life ( sometimes more, sometimes less, mostly unpaid) The knowledge I gained helped me start TWO of my own theatre companies which support me and my child to this day. Not to mention the contacts you make are invaluble: many upscale people enjoy volunteering in the different aspects of theatre. It even can be a resume builder and when I taught theatre classes in schools ( no degree in theatre, but my reputation with my companies had the offers pouring in) I sold it as a HUGE confidence builder, and a way to never fear public speaking.

 

All of the above put your GF's hobby in a class above playing world of warcraft for 4.5 hours a night alone in your room.

[D-Lish]

Chuck,

 

I truly think it's a subject you should broach a little more deeply with her.

 

I think it's pretty ridiculous that this expectation falls on her alone when there are so many other family members around to help out.

 

I'll babysit my nephews when I can, but I won't do so to my own detriment. If my sister-on-law had her way, she'd have me babysitting 3 nights a week, but I can't go out of my way all the time for her like that, so i give what I can, when it's convenient for me to do so.

 

People pleasers will give up their own time and life to accomodate others- and it's all guided by guilt. Her family knows how to push her buttons to get her to do what they want and she's never learned how to say "no".

 

Whay can't mom and dad take turns? Why can't sis go on her own once and a while?

 

I didn't see you mention if you've talked to her about this yet. If you haven't, you really have to! If you have and nothing has changed, maybe you need to take a different approach in how you discuss it with her.

[spiderowl]

The picture I'm getting is that you think she's wonderful but you are not getting to see enough of her and not getting that Friday night when you and she don't have other commitments to deal with. Whether she should go with her sister or not is a separate issue in a sense and something she has to deal with. I'd suggest you talk to your girlfriend and tell her you don't feel you see enough of her and that you'd hoped to have Friday nights with her as other nights tend to be full of commitments. If she cares about you, she'll think about it and maybe make some compromises. If she says her sister comes first, then I think you'll have to think about how committed this woman is to you. I'd admire her for putting her sister first in an emergency or if her sister was in an emotional state, but she should be able to cope with this drive on occasions.

 

The crux of the matter is that you are feeling neglected and as if you are last on your girlfriend's list. Maybe you should say something about it? Whatever you do, don't do it in a blaming way, more by way of saying you'd like more one-on-one time with her and suggest her sister could drive herself sometimes.

[Joe Normal]

This isn't difficult at all, it's simple. Tell her your concerns, and say you understand she has her family obligations, but it would be nice if you can sometimes meet just the two of you. Not every weekend, but maybe every other, or 1 in 3, 1 in 4 etc.

 

This will give two benefits. First, if she says yes, you get to see her more. Second, it shows how much importance she places on your feelings. If she doesn't compromise at all, then it shows she doesn't value you that much. If she compromises somewhat, it shows she places importance on your relationship.

 

So, you have a chance to see how much she takes you seriously, and to assert yourself a bit too. That's my advice - suggest she finds a balance between her family and your relationship, and see how she reacts.

[buu]

From that I read in the 1st post, you are being selfish.

[sally4sara]

2.) Sally4sara - easy about the whole "passion" thing. I love how women always do this for eachother...if this was video games, or golf, or going bar hopping with the boys, this would be INTOLERABLE! Listen...it's community theatre and yes, she does happen to be amazing at it. But who the HECK are you or I to determine what hobby deserves recognition as an officially acceptable hobby. If playing World of Warcraft EVERY night for 4.5 hours is what makes me happy and I am good at, should I be able to do it and HER BE HAPPY for me that ALL THAT TIME is being taken away from our relationship for me to play video games? She didn't get paid for the show she starred in. If I play enough golf, I may eventually win one of the local tournaments I am in. You ALWAYS hear women complain their husbands play too much gold. Honestly, folks, please tell me.

 

Golf was a big deal in my family and yes, you can earn money as well as add to your self esteem bank via accomplishment. Not sure how one feels all that accomplished by pushing buttons (WOW and other video games) and growing ever more plump whilst sitting on one's ass. Give it a go and get make a full report on it in a few years as to how it bettered your life and maybe I'll change my perspective on the subject.

 

I find it odd that you comment many times on how nice she is and how awesome her personality is but can't accept what comes with that. You seem capable of appreciating what it affords you, but are not ready to afford her the same. And you're jealous when it benefits someone or something other than you. But then the world is full of people who adore those who are giving and nurturing without ever thinking to model their own behavior after the example set by them. Takers always sniff out the givers.

[2sure]

We all know, or have been ourselves at times - one of those people who cant say No or are "too nice". These are comments made after one has been unfairly taken advantage of.

 

Thing is - unless SHE is making the comment, it isnt the way she feels. She may not be prioritizing in a way that is conducive to a relationship, she may not be prioritizing the way you would like her to ....but she IS prioritizing. If she begins to feel inconvenienced, or begins to change her idea of what is important...then her priorities will probably change.

 

All thats fine but still leaves you feeling left out of her life. Why not speak to her directly regarding how often you want to see her and also tell her how it makes you feel when she is not available to you. When you do this do not blame her being nice or her inability to say no and certainly do not accuse her family of taking advantage of her...there is no need for all of those justifications...just tell her how you feel, what you want...see if ishe s interested in changing her priorities for you.

[chucksagent]

Sall4Sara - I appreciate your feedback but don't waste time with splitting hairs here...maybe .001% of golfers earn money by doing it. That is a SAD argument. About the same amount of people who do community theatre become famous Actors/Actresses. And who in the world are you to determine what makes someone feel good?? Maybe theatre or golf adds to your self-esteem bank, but what if playing Warcraft is the best way some people know how to be social or meet people?

 

Money isn't a real thing...it's fake...it's man made. If you think the answer to your problems is money, take it from someone who makes a lot of it, it can't make you happy. I have a friend who just gave up the WORLD for a woman. He was set for life and gave it all away. If you aren't happy in life, it won't matter how much money you make.

 

Not to mention, you totally missed the point of my argument. I wasn't suugesting ANYONE SHOULD sit and play Warfract for 5 hours EVERY night when they have committments. But nor should they go over the top on time for golf or community theatre either! You have 1 job that keeps you fed and sheltered and I personally think we spend WAY too much time at our jobs. And I am a successful and hardworking person! But my god...1/3 of your time at work, 1/3 of your time asleep, so you pretty much are left with 30% of your time for yourself, friends, family, responsibilites, and hobbies.

 

Therefore, it's your contention, you can dedicate upwards of 25% of that mere 30% remaining to THE LEAST IMPORTANT of those 5 things?!? That is truly your argument here?

[TaraMaiden]

So how about you just talk to her and put your side of things forward, as suggested?

[ShatteredReality]

All this needless drama can be avoided by not dating single moms.

 

Don't get me wrong, they are usually very easy to bed, and you can have a FWB/FB type thing with several at once. But, have some dignity and don't date them.

 

These women made the choice to ruin the lives of their own little children. Now you are surprised that they don't care about you? They don't care about anyone but themselves.

 

http://booooooooom.blogspot.com/2011/03/thoughts-on-dating-single-moms-part-1.html

 

Wow.....first off he's not dating a single mom...he's dating someone who is related to one...so....yeah

 

 

And secondly OP - if you haven't talked to her about it by now then the real question would be why? If she says that she wants to help her sister out every other weekend then you need to decide if she's great enough that you're willing to take every other weekend...if not then move on...ultimately expecting her to cater to your every whim is selfish and will drain her of everything she has to offer to the relationship while you offer nothing in return. If, however, you talk to her and she agrees that every other weekend is too much then she's an adult and can remedy the situation to make it better for the two of you...but that's what the goal needs to be - making better options for you both - not just you.

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[sally4sara]

Sall4Sara - I appreciate your feedback but don't waste time with splitting hairs here...maybe .001% of golfers earn money by doing it. That is a SAD argument. About the same amount of people who do community theatre become famous Actors/Actresses. And who in the world are you to determine what makes someone feel good?? Maybe theatre or golf adds to your self-esteem bank, but what if playing Warcraft is the best way some people know how to be social or meet people?

 

Money isn't a real thing...it's fake...it's man made. If you think the answer to your problems is money, take it from someone who makes a lot of it, it can't make you happy. I have a friend who just gave up the WORLD for a woman. He was set for life and gave it all away. If you aren't happy in life, it won't matter how much money you make.

 

Not to mention, you totally missed the point of my argument. I wasn't suugesting ANYONE SHOULD sit and play Warfract for 5 hours EVERY night when they have committments. But nor should they go over the top on time for golf or community theatre either! You have 1 job that keeps you fed and sheltered and I personally think we spend WAY too much time at our jobs. And I am a successful and hardworking person! But my god...1/3 of your time at work, 1/3 of your time asleep, so you pretty much are left with 30% of your time for yourself, friends, family, responsibilites, and hobbies.

 

Therefore, it's your contention, you can dedicate upwards of 25% of that mere 30% remaining to THE LEAST IMPORTANT of those 5 things?!? That is truly your argument here?

 

Is it really your argument that your GF helping her sister is going to take up 56 hours every week? Because that would be a third of a day X 7 (days in a week. This task will not take up all her free time.

I think its that it doesn't fit into YOUR scheduled free time as well as YOU would like. It will require YOU to alter YOUR schedule some to get more time with her - Tesla forbid!

[chucksagent]

I posted this a while back but the debate was so interesting I didn't want it to stop.

 

I spoke to my girlfriend shortly after posting this. She totally agreed with me and did think it was a big burden, BUT she felt (and still feels) sorry for her sister and feels she needs to be there for her.

 

My argument of "Why doesn't anyone else EVER go with her so you get a night off?" blew up in my face with the rebuttal - "That's exactly why I feel I need to go and be there for her because nobody else is." Which I have to admit, is a good point.

 

After much discussion on the matter she ultimately decided she is going to slowly stop going AS MUCH and only go on Sundays when nothing else is going on. She agreed when in a fresh relationship (especially in summer) giving up your entire Friday night, every other Friday, is a HUGE committment to make. So thanks for all the feedback, talking to her and being honest worked!

[creighton0123]

This is not a difficult question. If you recognize that the two of you are very good together, you need to accept both the positive and negative temporary and/or permanent downsides.

 

Do a plug and play. Instead of taking her sister to pick up/drop off her kids, she could be just as perfect but have a job that requires she travel on both Friday and Sunday evenings.

 

Truth be told: When I was reading your post, I thought that you were in your late teens/early 20's. That's how you read. Your approach to the relationship you're in read as one that is fundamentally immature/jovial.

 

Part of a romantic relationship with a new person is sacrifice. If she is truly that amazing, you'll make things work so that she can attend to her sister and her nieces/nephews while spending time with you on Saturday or during the week.

 

And please for the sake of modernity, drop the word "courtship" from your vocabulary.

 

What she is doing for her sister may be demanding, but it is what she feels like she needs to do. Support her in that.

 

I say this as someone in a similar boat as you. I met someone whom I love and is truly amazing. Things just feel right. Unfortunately, he must be away for a year. During our "courtship" phase, I can only see him for 3 weeks in one year. And you're complaining about Friday and Sunday night?

[ShatteredReality]

So, what? I see her as supporting fatherlessness and childhood trauma. I wouldn't touch someone who was part of single mom culture. These people are selfish and support ABUSING CHILDREN... so... yeah.

 

Single moms are sluts who will **** on a dime. Why would you date one or date someone who would support them? They'll never be faithful and you def dont have to spend your money on a nasty single mom to get her into the sack.

 

You're one troll who definitely won't be missed once you're booted.

[chucksagent]

Boxer58 - Her sisters husband actually cheated on her because he is an untrustworthy low life. My mother was a single mother because my father didn't want to deal with the responsibility. I now drive a sports car, a 73 inch television, a 50 inch television, my own home, a huge office, my own practice where I make enough to be able to do a lot of pro bono work and help people who need help - and thank god I had a single Mom who stuck around when my father didn't want to. Boxer, you have to just be trying to make people mad, because in spite of there being a lot of morons in this world, nobody could possible be that stupid to say the stuff you said. Or you're a religious whacko, take your pick.

 

Ceighton - I will drop courtship if you drop "modernity." I truly appreciate your advice. However, I very much disagree with your plug and play. A better plug and play would be her mother or father are sick and they have no other family and no other friends so she HAS to take care of them every other Friday and Sunday. Because a job is your career and it puts bread and milk on your table; you need to work. Her sister has MANY other family members and MANY friends who between all of them if they chipped in it'd probably work out to each of them might have to go once a year!!! Why should this burden fall ALL on my girlfriend? Bottom line is it's just not right. And don't say "that's life, not always fair." Because if that was true SOOO many civil rights issues would NEVER have changed. I am VERY supportive of equal rights for all and am damn glad people like me were around to just "not accept" things they can't change. Sometimes in life, ya gotta fight for what you believe in or want - some call it selfish, I call it doing what you feel is right.

 

I have been called immature AND jovial, so both are good observations...LOL. I don't take either as insults. I find "mature" people to be fake and miserable. They usually eat sushi and drink a lot of overpriced coffee because it's "the trendy thing to do" You can I'm wrong but EVERYBODY reading this knows exactly what I'm talking about...some of you may EVEN be that guy!!!...LMAO. To me, that's more being a sheep than being mature. There have been days I have argued in court, golfed, and played video games ALL in the same day. Mature? Who knows; but I'm happy...lol.

 

But while we're on the topic of truth: I think you waiting a year for someone is a pretty bold move. I'd make sure I was 100% sure about that before I made that move.