says she doesn't know what she wants!

[robkris8079]

Just try to find replacements for all those social events you had planned. Your ex is not unique nor is she the only woman in the world. There will be other girls you'll be attracted to. It is natural to feel down now because you're going through withdrawal, but try to hit the gym and hang out with your buddies to kill time. Eventually you will not care anymore.

 

 

Not to mention moving in after graduation and getting a dog ! Wonder if I didn't make that call if all this stuff would have still happened even with her being uncertain if she wants to be with me?

 

Excellent advice JasonRules. Advice I have received from here years ago and given plenty of times. The gym thing is always good. I was 270+lbs when my exwife and I split. I'm currently 170lbs and looking better then I ever have in my life. The gym does make me a little sad as my now ex girlfriend and I would go together alot. Oh well.

[robkris8079]

the email from her

 

Rob I have so much to say to you. Idk where to begin. Honestly I love you with all my heart. Idk what was up in this past month I just felt smothered. I didn't need this much space and I wasn't ready to break this relationship off. I was ready to still give it a try. I think I was scared with graduating and actually have a real job and moving in with u. Big life changes for me. This past few days have been rough I didn't wanna talk to u bc I knew this conversation would come of this and would hurt even more. I know how much u love me and u have always shown it. I have been so rude to u and I feel like an ass. I took u for granted and for that I apologize. I don't like this back and forth thing either but honestly I don't wanna lose u.

is this GIGS or CI?

 

as far as smothering I don't see how. She feels obligated to come over on certain days. 5 of them a week. I even said she doesn't have to. In the past month I've gone to 3 guys nights out on days we normally would have been together. Also took trip to NJ to hang with some car buddies. She has done about 4 or 5 girls nights out too. Basically we haven't even been around each other too much. Just all seems odd to me? I enjoy our time apart and I know she does too.

[Art_Critic]

Honestly.. it looks like it fell thru with the guy she was lining up or he isn't a sure thing yet and you are the back burner guy..

 

Unless she gives you what you need or want then go NC and move on...

[robkris8079]

Honestly.. it looks like it fell thru with the guy she was lining up or he isn't a sure thing yet and you are the back burner guy..

 

Unless she gives you what you need or want then go NC and move on...

 

well that would be quick if the other guy fell through . So your going with GIGS and not CI.

 

She knows what I'm looking for and I totally agree with your last statement.

[Art_Critic]

well that would be quick if the other guy fell through . So your going with GIGS and not CI.

 

She knows what I'm looking for and I totally agree with your last statement.

 

I don't believe in all the GIGS crap.. GIGS is something that every single breakup male or female could be attributed to thereby negating it as a possibility.

 

Your EX IMO just has eyes or the hots for some other guy.

[Cee]

Here's my take as an ex-nursing student (dropped out). Nursing school is one of the most horrible experiences in education.

 

I know that the other posters are talking about another man, but I'm not sure she has the time for that. And nursing school is mostly women, married men, or gay men, so it's not a hot bed for dating. Nursing students are considered the most useless people in a hospital so nobody considers them human, let alone dating material. I'm not putting down nursing as a profession, but nursing students are treated badly. Your girlfriend probably is struggling with her self-esteem right now.

 

By the way, life after nursing school gets worse. She is going to get a job at an understaffed hospital. She will not have the skills to do the job and will get criticized a lot. She will likely do a lot of job hopping so she can land a position with a decent environment. Or maybe she'll get a master's and become a nurse practitioner. Lots of people do that because the pay and treatment is better.

 

I imagine that the two of you need some conversations about your future. There will always be stress in your lives and if she always pulls away, there isn't much hope for a future. She has chosen a difficult profession. The hours and pay aren't horrible, but the stress is enormous.

[Chi townD]

Nothing in that e-mail screams at me that she's reaching out to you to come back to the relationship. Yes, she said she doesn't want to loose you. But, at what capacity? She doesn't want to losse YOU, or she doesn't want to loose your FRIENDSHIP? I think that's what you need to figure out.

[JasonRules]

Honestly.. it looks like it fell thru with the guy she was lining up or he isn't a sure thing yet and you are the back burner guy..

 

Unless she gives you what you need or want then go NC and move on...

 

@Rob

 

When a woman says "I feel smothered" and you aren't even spending that much time together, talking, texting, it just means she's losing interest in you or there is another guy in the picture. She emailed you some pretty heavy stuff.

 

My advice is the following: Do not write her back a 10 page email telling her how much you love her, care for her, willing to do anything to be with her, can't wait to hold her in your arms again etc etc.

 

Keep your reply very short, don't reveal any of your emotions at all, and don't talk about the future. Keep it general and vague.

[Chi townD]

Here's my take as an ex-nursing student (dropped out). Nursing school is one of the most horrible experiences in education.

 

I know that the other posters are talking about another man, but I'm not sure she has the time for that. And nursing school is mostly women, married men, or gay men, so it's not a hot bed for dating. Nursing students are considered the most useless people in a hospital so nobody considers them human, let alone dating material. I'm not putting down nursing as a profession, but nursing students are treated badly. Your girlfriend probably is struggling with her self-esteem right now.

 

By the way, life after nursing school gets worse. She is going to get a job at an understaffed hospital. She will not have the skills to do the job and will get criticized a lot. She will likely do a lot of job hopping so she can land a position with a decent environment. Or maybe she'll get a master's and become a nurse practitioner. Lots of people do that because the pay and treatment is better.

 

I imagine that the two of you need some conversations about your future. There will always be stress in your lives and if she always pulls away, there isn't much hope for a future. She has chosen a difficult profession. The hours and pay aren't horrible, but the stress is enormous.

 

 

LOL! Try being a medical intern! Yeah, nursing students sometimes get the shaft, but it all depends on the hospital that your doing your clinical rotations at. If it's a teaching hospital, then the environment is that bad because, teaching is part of the gig. However, for profit hospitals are less understanding because to be honest, hospitals are businesses first and foremost and nursing students are taking away the staff from progress.

 

Yeah, I agree that once she graduates and enters into the work force, she's gonna be the low man on the pole and if she thinks she gonna get hired on for 1st shift or day shift, she's got another thing coming to her. Say hello to swing shift or midnights! And say goodbye to holidays! Just part of "paying your dues"

[JasonRules]

@Rob

 

 

Also, don't ask her to go out to see her or do dinner. I know you want to see her, but let her ask you out (if she even wants to)

[robkris8079]

Here's my take as an ex-nursing student (dropped out). Nursing school is one of the most horrible experiences in education.

 

I know that the other posters are talking about another man, but I'm not sure she has the time for that. And nursing school is mostly women, married men, or gay men, so it's not a hot bed for dating. Nursing students are considered the most useless people in a hospital so nobody considers them human, let alone dating material. I'm not putting down nursing as a profession, but nursing students are treated badly. Your girlfriend probably is struggling with her self-esteem right now.

 

By the way, life after nursing school gets worse. She is going to get a job at an understaffed hospital. She will not have the skills to do the job and will get criticized a lot. She will likely do a lot of job hopping so she can land a position with a decent environment. Or maybe she'll get a master's and become a nurse practitioner. Lots of people do that because the pay and treatment is better.

 

I imagine that the two of you need some conversations about your future. There will always be stress in your lives and if she always pulls away, there isn't much hope for a future. She has chosen a difficult profession. The hours and pay aren't horrible, but the stress is enormous.

 

Trust me I been her bf for the entire nursing career pursuit! It's crazy hard and stressfull. Some of her friends also dropped out. You are right about all married woman though there was a few guys she told me about. I think only one is still there and the rest failed. I don't think there is another man as she really is so busy. Also she always tells me where she is. I have no clue why and I even joke with her about that. Besides joking I did talk to her seriously to let her know that she shouldn't feel the need to tell me where she is. It's not necessary. I do not discount another man or her wanting any other man besides me. I can't as it happened to me before and just about everyone I know.

 

Yup a good talk about the future. This is kinda how all this started. She has been so stressed and I guess scared about the future she has been going nuts. Then she tells me she is unsure then I tell her I deserve someone who is as sure as I am. Maybe I'm wrong about that, just seems to me that's the way it should be. Though not an easy perfect road, the wanting to be with someone should be there right?

 

Nothing in that e-mail screams at me that she's reaching out to you to come back to the relationship. Yes, she said she doesn't want to loose you. But, at what capacity? She doesn't want to losse YOU, or she doesn't want to loose your FRIENDSHIP? I think that's what you need to figure out.

 

Ah very true here. I've made it perfectly clear before that email that a platonic friendship is something I can't have with her. If that's what she is after then let the healing process begin.

[Art_Critic]

Ah very true here. I've made it perfectly clear before that email that a platonic friendship is something I can't have with her. If that's what she is after then let the healing process begin.

 

To borrow a phrase from another poster.. Atta Boy !

[robkris8079]

these posts didn't show up before that's why I didn't respond.

 

@Rob

 

When a woman says "I feel smothered" and you aren't even spending that much time together, talking, texting, it just means she's losing interest in you or there is another guy in the picture. She emailed you some pretty heavy stuff.

 

My advice is the following: Do not write her back a 10 page email telling her how much you love her, care for her, willing to do anything to be with her, can't wait to hold her in your arms again etc etc.

 

Keep your reply very short, don't reveal any of your emotions at all, and don't talk about the future. Keep it general and vague.

 

This is noted. I think her smothered is really all in her head. She considers anytime over at my house time together. This means even if I'm not there or if I'm playing with my daughter and not paying attention to her. Or if she is doing homework and studying. I don't see how that is time together for us it's just time she is at my house and I think she thinks of it as us together. Which doesn't look good for moving in together. Don't think I pushed her to moving in. That would smother a lady. I mention it once months and months ago. It was an open invitation with no answer being needed and I never discussed it again.

 

Don't worry I did write her a novel. Short and I never begged, pleaded or even said I love you. All I said was you know how I feel.

 

LOL! Try being a medical intern! Yeah, nursing students sometimes get the shaft, but it all depends on the hospital that your doing your clinical rotations at. If it's a teaching hospital, then the environment is that bad because, teaching is part of the gig. However, for profit hospitals are less understanding because to be honest, hospitals are businesses first and foremost and nursing students are taking away the staff from progress.

 

Yeah, I agree that once she graduates and enters into the work force, she's gonna be the low man on the pole and if she thinks she gonna get hired on for 1st shift or day shift, she's got another thing coming to her. Say hello to swing shift or midnights! And say goodbye to holidays! Just part of "paying your dues"

 

She knows this. She has two jobs and one of them is a PCA. That is the lowest of the low. Yup she is full time nursing student, taking two extra online classes because she needs 6 more credits to graduate that the school didn't tell her until the last semester, while working two jobs and now dealing with a 4-1/2 year relationship falling apart. Wow I'm glad I'm not her.

 

@Rob

 

 

Also, don't ask her to go out to see her or do dinner. I know you want to see her, but let her ask you out (if she even wants to)

 

She asked to see me already. Only have an hour or two window before I need to go get my kid. So no dinner or anything.

[JasonRules]

Remember, when it comes to relationships "Less is more".

[robkris8079]

Remember, when it comes to relationships "Less is more".

 

 

This is the truest statement ever.

[dng]

I can add my own recent experience to the collective body of wisdom.

 

Mine left on a break, to find herself. She did find herself something, a new guy. She denied it for months while feeding me the exact same lines - "I'm not sure what I want", "I need space and time".

 

I finally found out through her mom because her and I had an excellent relationship and her mom was not happy with the situation of me being strung along and the whole thing fell apart but it took 3 or 4 months before she said anything, and even then, what she said was half truths.

 

I destroyed all contacts then. She still tries to contact me to this day, to what end? I have no clue.

 

I usually ignore her because I know she can pull me in.

 

If I answer, its always the same line. You broke my heart, get lost.

[robkris8079]

update:

 

She came and we talked. She apologized for how she had been acting. Told me again she just stressed about school and her life about to completely change. Told me how great I was and she want's to be with me and couldn't imagine a life without us being together as in a couple not just friends.

 

We spent good amount of time over the weekend and without any coaching from me she acted in a way that was exactly what I want. Loving and affectionate.

 

One thing that doesn't help in a relationship is pressure from family. We had her grandmother and mother calling us newlyweds, engaged, fiance and all that over mothers day. Not to mention pressure for grandchildren. This is talk a 25year old woman going through the most stressful time of her life doesn't need to hear. Think I might need to talk to them. She is 100% italian and I'm mostly italian. They all seem to act the same way. They want you to be married and pop out like 10 kids by your mid twenties .

 

So as of right now things are great but I do know this new greatness won't last forever. There will be more ups and downs. Disagreements and good times. Hopefully never to the extent where it leads back to this but no one knows what the future holds. Take it one day at a time and be me. Really all I can do.

[JasonRules]

update:

 

She came and we talked. She apologized for how she had been acting. Told me again she just stressed about school and her life about to completely change. Told me how great I was and she want's to be with me and couldn't imagine a life without us being together as in a couple not just friends.

 

We spent good amount of time over the weekend and without any coaching from me she acted in a way that was exactly what I want. Loving and affectionate.

 

One thing that doesn't help in a relationship is pressure from family. We had her grandmother and mother calling us newlyweds, engaged, fiance and all that over mothers day. Not to mention pressure for grandchildren. This is talk a 25year old woman going through the most stressful time of her life doesn't need to hear. Think I might need to talk to them. She is 100% italian and I'm mostly italian. They all seem to act the same way. They want you to be married and pop out like 10 kids by your mid twenties .

 

So as of right now things are great but I do know this new greatness won't last forever. There will be more ups and downs. Disagreements and good times. Hopefully never to the extent where it leads back to this but no one knows what the future holds. Take it one day at a time and be me. Really all I can do.

 

 

If you want to keep this girl you need to do the following:

 

 

1. Stop making her priority no. 1.

2. Do other things, go out with your buddies, have a life, work out etc.

3. Limit you seeing her to 2 times per week.

4. Keep things short and sweet.

5. Never talk about your emotions or how you feel. Be enigmatic.

6. Never bring up talks about the "future". Let her bring up those talks

7. Don't sweat the little stuff

8. Don't be overly attached to her

[robkris8079]

If you want to keep this girl you need to do the following:

 

 

1. Stop making her priority no. 1.

2. Do other things, go out with your buddies, have a life, work out etc.

3. Limit you seeing her to 2 times per week.

4. Keep things short and sweet.

5. Never talk about your emotions or how you feel. Be enigmatic.

6. Never bring up talks about the "future". Let her bring up those talks

7. Don't sweat the little stuff

8. Don't be overly attached to her

 

 

1. my daughter is priority no. 1 but yes I do think I keep my gf at too high priority.

2. This I do and quite often. My gf's mindset is if she is at my house that is time we're together. Whether I'm not there, or she goes out with friends, or I'm playing with my daughter in the yard and the gf is locked in a room studying. I had deep conversation with her about this. I told her to just stay home or go to the library instead of coming over. She made this schedule up about coming over and tries to stick to it for some reason. I asked her why? She didn't know. I think this schedule just needs to be dropped.

3. That is hard but time will be limited much more then it was. While she didn't live with me she practically did. Just went home for two days to do laundry and say hello to her family. Again this schedule was her idea. No pressure or anything from me. She takes on much more then she needs IMHO. Again I think dropping the schedule will help with this.

4. I'm not 100% understanding this one. If you mean face to face, talking, texting or what.

5. so in other words make her wonder if I still love her? So she will love me more? While this may work in my favor, doesn't this seem like playing games? I do prefer to just be myself. I do nice things once in awhile out of the blue. I don't confess my love for her every second. I will think about this one.

6. This one I'm with you on definitely. I've been on this one for along time actually. Any future talks she brings up and I listen.

7. I try not to sweat the little stuff. This is great advice.

8. Clingy is a big turnoff to woman. I have been down that road before. I don't think I am but to make sure I set up a few goals to get done. Things I will get done alone or with friends and not my gf.

 

thanks for your insight jasonrules. Your posts are always great. Keep it up, I'm sure your helping alot of people even if they aren't commenting.

Edited May 9, 2011 by robkris8079

[robkris8079]

bumping my thread because well it happaned again !

 

She did move in on with me. I didn't push the issue ever. She did it in her own time. Vday came around and things were wonderful. Got a card with all the mushy stuff and talking of future. Well after that she started getting distant again. She started not wanting to be around me and plain just avoiding it seemed.

 

Some guy was texting her because I asked who she was texting and she said oh "insert guy name". I didn't think anything of it really. Then I seen few days later his name in her phone again. Now my gerbil wheel was spinning. So I let me insecurities get best of me and I snooped her phone. All messages from her were gone? Well gerbil was running full force. I didn't snoop before. We were cuddling on the couch and she was texting someone else right infront of me and I seen his name.

 

There was a party I couldn't go to because I had my daughter. It was a family wedding anniverseray thing. After there was a house party. She slept over because too drunk. Didn't see her but an hour next day as she recovered from night before. Well another party that night and bam she was out again and never made it back home. This was at her brothers house so she just kept staying over. BTW all the text stuff listed above happened after this.

 

Also she was texting me alot less. I said to her I noticed this and asked if everything was alright? She said yeah everything is good.

 

If you read the beggining of this thread another man was top choice for first time. I did find out that she was being flirtatious out with her friends on girls nights and was enjoying the attention. There wasn't another particular guy. Just the attention she liked. This time it's same thing but might have one particular one also. Plus I think since she if financially set because she is making good money as an RN that is another reason for going. She wants be on her own, own apartment, etc and can do it now.

 

Not sure point of posting just need to talk bout it.

[Chi townD]

So, what do you intend to do? I can't see you living your life like this. Sounds like the first time this happened, the guy may have thrown her under the bus and came back to you. Cooling her heels until something else came along.

 

If I were you, I would do some snooping and find out what the hell is going on. You deserve to know the truth.

[robkris8079]

So, what do you intend to do? I can't see you living your life like this. Sounds like the first time this happened, the guy may have thrown her under the bus and came back to you. Cooling her heels until something else came along.

 

If I were you, I would do some snooping and find out what the hell is going on. You deserve to know the truth.

 

 

Maybe there was a guy last time but I'm still sticking with was the idea of another guy not one in particular. I dumped her last monday. Said I don't need any reasons why your acting this way or on then off as you say, just the fact your not happy and I'm not happy is enough. Then told her to move out as soon as possible and that I'm not going to be home till late next few days. And that is what she did.

 

I will not do any snooping nor do I need to know any truths other then I am not what she wants in life. My closure is in the fact that she ended up not being for me and I not for her. I snooped that time in her phone and still feel bad for that.

 

I already know all I need to know.

[CaliBabe]

As a woman, Jason and Homebrew are right. A woman will always MAKE time for the man she loves.

 

Whenever something like this is in the woodworks it hardly ever works out. I'm glad you booted her. You know now not to take her back. It's a vicious cycle.

Edited March 12, 2012 by CaliBabe

[robkris8079]

As a woman, Jason and Homebrew are right. A woman will always MAKE time for the man she loves.

 

Whenever something like this is in the woodworks it hardly ever works out. I'm glad you booted her. You know now not to take her back. It's a vicious cycle.

 

 

the make time for the man she loves is so true. This thought is what kept running in my head and pushed me to do what I did.

 

I noticed other couples would actually leave places together. Not her, if I wanted to go then I was going alone. Watching other loving couples reminded me of what we use to be like and made me notice it's not what we were in the end.

 

There is no going back again. Not fair to me and def not fair to my kid who now has to get over this. Kids are great and can love and forget but being so long together and the role my ex played in her life is going to make this a longer process for her. I mean my ex was 100% loving and caring and treated my kid as her own. Kinda makes me angy ended up like this, angry I allowed this but hey how did I know. Up till several weeks ago my ex and I seemed to be on the path to the next level. Wish I could've seen the future.

[CaliBabe]

Rob,

You got out. That takes alot of courage on its own. You should be proud of yourself... That is strength right there. It is her loss.