robkris8079 Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 the actual text read "idk what I need honestly!!I'm on then I'm off I'm up then I'm down!! Idk what I want or where I'm goin!!" This is what I was texted last night. I followed it with a call telling her what she is getting. I broke up with her. My girlfriend of 4-1/2 years has just been moody an nasty lately. Somewhat distant and nothing like a loving and caring partner. No come up behind me and hug me, no initiating intimacy, no deep conversation. She is just finishing nursing school and is stressed to high hell. I've been there from beginning to end. Staying up late to help with presentations and even helping her take online tests. She just seems to treat me like garbage and not really care for me. I am not perfect but I am being pretty great to her. Just took her away to a B&B so she can just relax and not think of school. To spice up the bedroom life I snuck some strawberry syrup in the room and surprised her. She had a crappy monday a few weeks ago and I showed up with flowers. Made her her own little easter basket for easter with some of her favorite things and several months ago wrote her a nice letter of all the reasons I loved her. For me she did . . . well she bought new tv's. Got me one for valentines day. Big expensive one. I said thank you but secretly told my brother I would have been happier with a nice card or something expressing love. Nothing says love like a 32" lcd tv right Before you think I'm just all over her I am not. I know I'm not because that is how I acted years ago and swore I would never do it again. We go out without each other all the time. I don't text her a million times aday. Actually I never initiate any texts. I don't know how this is all going to play out. But I do know I'm not happy and I know she isn't all that happy. Difference is I know why I'm not. BTW I am 30 and she is 25. I must note this is the 5th woman to do the same thing around the same age. Not all to me just people I have known. Some of you ladies are like books. I can go on and on but if this gets too long no one reads it 1
arbrne_vet Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Wow!! i could have written this, except she is still in nursing school. leave her alone. either she wants you, or she does not. just leave her alone. work on yourself, spoil yourself. don't put yourself through hell.
Art_Critic Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Believe her and give her what she wants..... Plenty of space Chances are there is another guy in the wings and if not she has who is causing her to rethink things in her mind and just hasn't moved on him yet Space..silence is what you give her ...sorry
Author robkris8079 Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 Wow!! i could have written this, except she is still in nursing school. leave her alone. either she wants you, or she does not. just leave her alone. work on yourself, spoil yourself. don't put yourself through hell. I knew I wouldn't be alone with my situation. I'm not going through hell. Been there and I don't want to go back. Believe her and give her what she wants..... Plenty of space Chances are there is another guy in the wings and if not she has who is causing her to rethink things in her mind and just hasn't moved on him yet Space..silence is what you give her ...sorry I do believe her 100%. I'm not giving her what she want's because she doesn't know what she wants. I'm giving her what I want. Told her to figure out all she needs to and if it's me down the road let me know but I in no way guarantee her I will still be here As far as another guy there isn't per say. She just doesn't have anytime for another guy. But I wouldn't doubt some nights out meeting people have planted a seed of what a life she can have with somebody else, alone or question if a life with me is for her. Either way I'm not being anyone's cake. Meaning I won't let her have me and eat it too.
JasonRules Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Man rule: When a woman says "I don't know what I want" or "I need space" This really means: "Well, I met this guy I am attracted to, but I am not sure if it will work out with him because I don't know if the feelings are mutual, so please give me "space" to explore this further and if he doesn't like me, I'll pretend I'm fine all of a sudden and come back to you" What you should do? Pre-emptively dump her... 4
Author robkris8079 Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 Man rule: When a woman says "I don't know what I want" or "I need space" This really means: "Well, I met this guy I am attracted to, but I am not sure if it will work out with him because I don't know if the feelings are mutual, so please give me "space" to explore this further and if he doesn't like me, I'll pretend I'm fine all of a sudden and come back to you" What you should do? Pre-emptively dump her... still not sold on the meeting of a guy. Possibility yes, or maybe it's someone we know that sparked interest. Who know's?!? I did exactly what you stated. It was a calm, cool, pre-emptive strike! Her: Ok! I wish u would tell me how ur feeling!! But we can talk tomorrow!! 11:22 PM Me: I can tell you anything! I will tell u i dont really like talkin to u sometimes because dnt know what person ill get! I didnt want you givin attitude so fig just keep short. Im too tired to deal with that right now 11:25 PM Her: I understand!! I see where ur comin from!! I'm sry!! I shldnt be so mean 2 u!! 11:30 PM Me: Do and act how you want. You got reasons i assume. But it does affect me and how i feel. I treat u the way i would love to be treated. 11:35 PM Her: Yes u do u treat me great!! I'm just a mess lately and everything seems 2 set me off!! 11:39 PM Me: Well that stinks. Hope u dnt stay a mess. Im here if u need me. Im also not here if thats what u need too 11:44 PM Her: Idk what I need honestly!! I'm on then I'm off I'm up then I'm down!! Idk what I want or where I'm goin!! 11:48 PM Me: Well only u can fig that out. If its about me then thats a stress u dnt need and sure as hell not fair to me. 11:51 PM Her: I know!! Ur so rite!! 11:58 PM that was followed with the call for the break up after I finally seen it was really about me. I was unsure, thinking it's just school and other stuff.
Art_Critic Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Just leave her alone.... Time to go find someone else
JasonRules Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Dude, don't be naive. If you are so great as she herself says "Her: Yes u do u treat me great!!" and nothing has changed on your part and you haven't turned into this total a-hole, then why the problems? There is always another guy in the wings typically when it comes to women. Look around you. Many of them will put up with total a-hole behavior for years, but will never leave. However, if they meet someone else, they'll drop the guy like a hot potato. Naturally, many come back when their expectations about the new guy aren't met, but its up to you to stand your ground. I'm glad you dumped her pre-emptively. Personally, I would stop texting her as well. Let her text the new guy. The more you text her the less lonely she will feel which will only validate her decision. The less you care about her, the more doubt will start to creep up in her mind. 2
Author robkris8079 Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 Just leave her alone.... Time to go find someone else I agree with leaving her alone. The finding someone else can wait. I sure am not looking. It's only been a day and I just need to go through the process here and work on me. Trying to get abs by summer . Not gonna happen but I'm trying! Dude, don't be naive. If you are so great as she herself says "Her: Yes u do u treat me great!!" and nothing has changed on your part and you haven't turned into this total a-hole, then why the problems? There is always another guy in the wings typically when it comes to women. Look around you. Many of them will put up with total a-hole behavior for years, but will never leave. However, if they meet someone else, they'll drop the guy like a hot potato. Naturally, many come back when their expectations about the new guy aren't met, but its up to you to stand your ground. I'm glad you dumped her pre-emptively. Personally, I would stop texting her as well. Let her text the new guy. The more you text her the less lonely she will feel which will only validate her decision. The less you care about her, the more doubt will start to creep up in her mind. I think I am that great . I don't know why her problems. Not even sure she knows. But they are hers to figure out or forget about. I'm no ones shrink, savior, or anything else. I know I will get the other man thing over and over. I am not discounting that she could have an interest somewhere else. I am not texting, contacting, or checking up on her in anyway. I'm just leaving her be. I got my own stuff to do and worry about as does she.
homebrew Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Dude, don't be naive. If you are so great as she herself says "Her: Yes u do u treat me great!!" and nothing has changed on your part and you haven't turned into this total a-hole, then why the problems? There is always another guy in the wings typically when it comes to women. Look around you. Many of them will put up with total a-hole behavior for years, but will never leave. However, if they meet someone else, they'll drop the guy like a hot potato. Naturally, many come back when their expectations about the new guy aren't met, but its up to you to stand your ground. I'm glad you dumped her pre-emptively. Personally, I would stop texting her as well. Let her text the new guy. The more you text her the less lonely she will feel which will only validate her decision. The less you care about her, the more doubt will start to creep up in her mind. robkris8079, What JasonRules and Art Critic are telling you is gospel and you can take it to the bank! There is another suitor or love interest present... If you stick around long enough, you are going to find this out the hard way. Don't say we didn't tell you... but do us a favor though. When you do create a thread were you want to tell us all that you are crushed and she is with someone else... Give Jason, Art Critic and I some props in the title.... Example: JasonRules, Art Critic and Homebrew were Right... I got HOSED! 2
Author robkris8079 Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 robkris8079, What JasonRules and Art Critic are telling you is gospel and you can take it to the bank! There is another suitor or love interest present... If you stick around long enough, you are going to find this out the hard way. Don't say we didn't tell you... but do us a favor though. When you do create a thread were you want to tell us all that you are crushed and she is with someone else... Give Jason, Art Critic and I some props in the title.... Example: JasonRules, Art Critic and Homebrew were Right... I got HOSED! I'm not sticking around for anything. My needs weren't being met and I dumped her. Sure if another guy pops up I will say you were all right. I'm not in denial about that and have openly admitted it was a possibility through out this thread. cliff notes is she acts too busy for me, doesn't show enough affection, doesn't know what she wants, doesn't treat me with respect, so I let her go. I've always loved the "blunt truth" you get here on loveshack! I've been on here since 2006
JasonRules Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 robkris8079, What JasonRules and Art Critic are telling you is gospel and you can take it to the bank! There is another suitor or love interest present... If you stick around long enough, you are going to find this out the hard way. Don't say we didn't tell you... but do us a favor though. When you do create a thread were you want to tell us all that you are crushed and she is with someone else... Give Jason, Art Critic and I some props in the title.... Example: JasonRules, Art Critic and Homebrew were Right... I got HOSED! My ex was giving me the same BS, running hot and cold for some months. I asked her in her face on three separate occasions if there is another guy, just tell me so I wouldn't be wasting my time. She always said "no", but deep down inside you know she is lying, but too much of a coward to tell you. Eventually, I got sick of this and dropped her in mid March. I didn't send her any happy bday messages, flowers, or Happy Easter wishes. I know there is another man in the picture, because I haven't heard a peep from her in almost 2 months. Plus, when I asked her if there is someone else, she didn't look me in the eyes and say "No, I'm not involved with someone else", but instead I noticed that her eyes turned down and to the left when she said "No". Body language clearly indicating she was lying, but whatever. In the end its her loss, not mine.
flitzanu Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 girls will never admit to an ex they left you to pursue other guys. hell, mine yelled IN my face that her date was "just a friend" when she'd told everyone around me it was her boyfriend. not to mention him calling me and announcing himself as her boyfriend... and the whole "she doesn't have enough time to find a new guy due to school, work etc" that's total bollocks. NEVER underestimate how little "time" it takes for a woman to find a new guy she wants to bang.
JasonRules Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 girls will never admit to an ex they left you to pursue other guys. hell, mine yelled IN my face that her date was "just a friend" when she'd told everyone around me it was her boyfriend. not to mention him calling me and announcing himself as her boyfriend... and the whole "she doesn't have enough time to find a new guy due to school, work etc" that's total bollocks. NEVER underestimate how little "time" it takes for a woman to find a new guy she wants to bang. That's too bad they would never admit to it. I wish my ex had the balls to tell me in my face. It would have saved me a lot of time, money, and emotion.
Author robkris8079 Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 well since we are all going to keep on the "she is cheating or about to cheat" thing I do ask a question. Had this post been by her saying my boyfriend of 4-1/2 years called me and said I don't respect or show him love and broke up with me would you all assume I was cheating? This is irrelevant but I'm just curious! and in no way still am I disregarding your theories. I know they are backed with proof and experience as I have already gone through it in a previous relationship. Note that my exwife wanted a break then cheated, and then did have the balls to come back and tell me. BTW I am not interested in anyone, seeing anyone, no one has sparked any interest in me or anything of that nature. This is just me feeling disrespected, unloved, unappreciated and my complete no tolerance for someone telling me they don't know if they want to be with me. That never sat well with me my whole life. I'm not going to sit and play the fool as someone else decides my fate.
JasonRules Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 well since we are all going to keep on the "she is cheating or about to cheat" thing I do ask a question. Had this post been by her saying my boyfriend of 4-1/2 years called me and said I don't respect or show him love and broke up with me would you all assume I was cheating? This is irrelevant but I'm just curious! and in no way still am I disregarding your theories. I know they are backed with proof and experience as I have already gone through it in a previous relationship. Note that my exwife wanted a break then cheated, and then did have the balls to come back and tell me. BTW I am not interested in anyone, seeing anyone, no one has sparked any interest in me or anything of that nature. This is just me feeling disrespected, unloved, unappreciated and my complete no tolerance for someone telling me they don't know if they want to be with me. That never sat well with me my whole life. I'm not going to sit and play the fool as someone else decides my fate. @Rob Dude, she isn't telling you that you are disrepectful or not loving enough. She stated "you're great and very caring" etc. So if you're so great, again according to her, then why does she "not know what she want"? She's saying one thing, but her actions don't follow her words. My suggestion is to totally forget about her and go find another girl. Call her out on her BS excuses and don't contact her anymore either. It's nothing more than an exercise in futility.
Author robkris8079 Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 @Rob Dude, she isn't telling you that you are disrepectful or not loving enough. She stated "you're great and very caring" etc. So if you're so great, again according to her, then why does she "not know what she want"? She's saying one thing, but her actions don't follow her words. My suggestion is to totally forget about her and go find another girl. Call her out on her BS excuses and don't contact her anymore either. It's nothing more than an exercise in futility. No I stated she was disrespectful. I don't know why she is confused? That is why I am here. Everyone here seems to think other man. I think it is her scared of future and wanting to live her youth to the fullist. Which actually might mean another man.
Kilty Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 I had a situation where i was told the exact same thing - and it is nothing short of a nightmare. I had known this girl for over a year. Her situation is that she is a single parent who has brought her 12 year old girl up on her own. She split up with the father of the child years ago, never married him and i dont think they even lived together - if so maybe for a short time after the child was born. Anyway he passed away over a year ago. There was no sort of relationship between them apart from passing over alimony and access rights. She has also never been in any other relationship since her girl was born - she has been totally focused on her daughter which is quite a sacrifice. To say she was hardened is an understatement. Anyway i got on great with her and there was always an immediate spark when we were together. I realised her situation and tried for ages to get her out on a date all on her terms. She left to go for a new job and at the end of her leaving night we searched each other out and kissed the face of each other before going home. I thought that could have been the start of something good - but i was wrong. It took me at least another 2 months before i could get her out on a date which took a lot of groundwork and even then it ended up only a lunch date. Again we had a great time together and neither of us wanted to leave - but she had to collect her girl from school. Again i thought we were getting somewhere - but again i was wrong. It took another month and a half before i could get her to go out with me again - youll note how many allowances i was making for this girl - and she agreed to go to the cinema - but only as friends ! Anyway by this point i was on the verge of exasperation but again was sympathetic to her situation. When we met up at the cinema she told me how her sister and daughter were excited for her to be going out on a date. Can you imagine how confused i was by this point - dont worry it gets better. After the cinema, where again everything went great- very touchy feely - we went to the car park - she had insisted on driving herself there so our two cars were parked together (friends remember) ! It was raining and i just expected us to go our separate ways - well my head was completely goosed by then - didnt have a clue what was going on as there were too many mixed signals. She then asked if we could sit in my car for a bit which i took as a come on and i was right. Once in the car what proceeded was a case of what can only be described as extremely sensual heavy petting. After 10 minutes she stopped my wandering hands - but after 20 they could go wherever they liked - and they did. This went on for over an hour and we both had to get home but once again i thought wow this is now going somewhere and all my hard work has paid off. - Wrong again. Within a couple of days it was as if nothing had happened and when i enquired about going out some time again in the future she made excuses. This went on for 2 -3 more weeks and i eventually cracked - sent her an email & asked what was going on. We had been texting and phoning each other constantly in all this time and it slowly dropped off. Thats when i got the "i dont know what i want" response Her excuses were that she has to think of her daughter and how she would react to a new man plus she hadnt been in a relationship for a long time and was scared. I did point out that i wasnt asking her to marry me or for any sort of committment - just to spend time together whenever she could as we got on so well. And thats been it really. What happened after that was no response to texts and all communication dropped to a bare minimum. I should have left it but i let my emotions get the better of me particularly when i was put back in the friends bracket. She then proceeded to say how she had done nothing wrong and i was possessive ! FFS - 3 "dates" in 7 months - that is some going to be possessive. She turned everything round onto me to hide her insecurities or whatever and she was so arrogant about everything too. Even when i said i might have come on a bit strong and apologised things went back to being ok for a bit but then things dropped off as they had in the past. Played all the tricks in the book - including threatening to stop contacting her if things couldnt get better between us as i wasnt going to make a fool of myself She couldnt have cared less - unsurprisingly really as we didnt have any bond between us like a normal relationship would have. Totally hot and cold. I am now in NC and have deleted her from FB and destroyed her numbers. But i know for a fact that because of her situation there is nobody else involved - nobody else could put up with that - although i so sympathise with her situation. But no reasoning or niceties made any sort of difference. I showed my cards too soon and let her know how much i liked her Idiot !
crackberry Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 No I stated she was disrespectful. I don't know why she is confused? That is why I am here. Everyone here seems to think other man. I think it is her scared of future and wanting to live her youth to the fullist. Which actually might mean another man. Going through same exact thing right now. Is it another guy? I have no idea. However, this is my situation to the exact detail.
Author robkris8079 Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 I had a situation where i was told the exact same thing . . . wow that was a long reply. Thanks for sharing your story. I don't see to much connection to mine but if it made you feel better to let that all out that's all that matters. Going through same exact thing right now. Is it another guy? I have no idea. However, this is my situation to the exact detail. I read your story. It is pretty similar except I broke up with her. I don't know if mine has lost any romantic feelings like you stated in your thread, she must have though. But that may be what is happening. I do know as things were progressing the way they were and the attitudes for no reason I was getting was making me lose some feelings too. Sorta wish I lost all feelings as this really is rough on me. I can't make her want to be with me. I can only be me. I actually gave her a promise ring last year telling her I will be the best me I can be. I lived up to that promise but the best me is not what she seems to want. I would love to discuss and figure out what the issue was with all the attitudes and poor treatment were. I actually would enjoy that and think it would grow the relationship and strengthen it. But if someone is just not in love with you I don't see how that can be changed.
Chi townD Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 With relationships ending. Not all end because there's someone else involved. Sometimes relationships end because they weren't meant to be and they've run their course. However, I have to agree with the others on here. I believe the reason she got disrespectful towards you is to relieve her own guilt of having feelings for someone else. She's trying to convince herself that you are a pain in the ass; therefore, she shouldn't feel guilty about the possibility of this other guy. Believe me, your not the first and you won't be the last this happens to. If you broke up with her, then what I strongly suggest is to cut her out completely. Strong NC. No phone calls, don't answer texts or e-mails. and DELETE HER FROM FACEBOOK!!! Time to heal.
Author robkris8079 Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 With relationships ending. Not all end because there's someone else involved. Sometimes relationships end because they weren't meant to be and they've run their course. However, I have to agree with the others on here. I believe the reason she got disrespectful towards you is to relieve her own guilt of having feelings for someone else. She's trying to convince herself that you are a pain in the ass; therefore, she shouldn't feel guilty about the possibility of this other guy. Believe me, your not the first and you won't be the last this happens to. If you broke up with her, then what I strongly suggest is to cut her out completely. Strong NC. No phone calls, don't answer texts or e-mails. and DELETE HER FROM FACEBOOK!!! Time to heal. I am 100% in agreement that she is trying to find faults and pic fights. It's all excuses because she is unsure if she wanted to be with me. If it is another person that would be great! Reason I say that is it speeds up the grieving process. At least it does for me .
Dumb-ped Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Have to agree with most here having just gone through something awfully similar myself. Friends for close to 20 years since high school, close friends for the last couple of years after catching up on Facebook, middle of last year she tells me she's fallen for me. Against my better judgement I decide to give it a go (so many red flags with her I should have run a mile) and fell fast and hard. First 5 months were fantastic, she'd gone from one bad relationship to another, and believe I was the first guy who'd treated her anything approaching well. Really was a case of being best friends as well as lovers. The final month however was totally different. She slowly started distancing herself, pulling away (and like a fool I followed) which happened to coincide with another of our old school friends appearing on the scene. Nothing had gone on between them, and I couldn't say for sure anything was going to, but had the feeling she was gearing up to break up with me, and even though she swore blind everything was fine when I asked her if 'we' were ok, after one more night of coldness I decided to end it. No idea how she took it as I walked right out the door after telling her I couldn't do this anymore. Had a chat a few nights later on MSN where she said she'd been more than happy with the relationship, and in fact had me somewhat confused as she kept referring to it in the present tense. After a little gentle pushing however I got the 'I don't know what I want' and confirmation she thought the relationship was done. We agreed to remain friends, which I must admit has been hard as about a month or so after the split she starts flirting with this guy via Facebook which was painful to watch. Three months on from the split we're both still single. He was just being friendly/flirty which she misread, I've taken time out to work on myself. Have been receiving what I perceive to be breadcrumbs ever since the split, and was invited to and attended her daughters 18th last month. Where we go from here I've no idea, guess only time will tell.
Author robkris8079 Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 I honestly would prefer "I don't want to be with you", "I've found someone else", "I just want to be single" or anything along those lines instead of "I'm confused", "I don't know what I want", or anything like that. My phone conversations when I made the break I told her not to text me tomorrow. She didn't, nor did she text or contact me today. I'm scared everyday I go home all her stuff will be gone. I can't get all the plans we had out of my head too. I mean for the next few months there was something to do. Concerts, nights out (with and without each other), vacation with her family, another with her and my daughter, her graduation party which was to be at my house, my kids bday party. Blah!!! sorry for the little rant. Just on this roller coaster of emotions.
JasonRules Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I honestly would prefer "I don't want to be with you", "I've found someone else", "I just want to be single" or anything along those lines instead of "I'm confused", "I don't know what I want", or anything like that. My phone conversations when I made the break I told her not to text me tomorrow. She didn't, nor did she text or contact me today. I'm scared everyday I go home all her stuff will be gone. I can't get all the plans we had out of my head too. I mean for the next few months there was something to do. Concerts, nights out (with and without each other), vacation with her family, another with her and my daughter, her graduation party which was to be at my house, my kids bday party. Blah!!! sorry for the little rant. Just on this roller coaster of emotions. Just try to find replacements for all those social events you had planned. Your ex is not unique nor is she the only woman in the world. There will be other girls you'll be attracted to. It is natural to feel down now because you're going through withdrawal, but try to hit the gym and hang out with your buddies to kill time. Eventually you will not care anymore.
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