All this talk about friends makes me feel like I'm back in high school.

[SpiralOut]

I care when they say they have more in common with them. This is false.

 

"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth." Marcus Aurelius

Edited May 13, 2011 by SpiralOut

[Eve]

[FONT=arial]"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."

- C. S. Lewis

 

This is how I view friends. They are unnecessary. Awesome to have around, but unnecessary. Your SO on the other hand, is priceless and should be held higher than anyone else in your life. He/she is the most important person in your life. So, when I see posts about "he doesn't want me to have guy friends" and the people say to dump him then, I am appalled. If it's okay with your SO that you have opposite sex friends, then that's okay. I would find that weird, but that's my own personal opinion. Forget that. It's all about what's okay with your significant other and if it bothers him/her, then what's more important? The number of friends you have on your facebook account or the future mother/father of your kids?

 

Friendships are important. Your girlfriend/boyfriend, husband/wife is more important.

 

Priorities people, priorities!!

[/FONT]

 

I see friendships as falling on a sliding scale of importance. I was not one of the popular crowd in secondary school (.. and did not want to be part of it either) and so tend to avoid this dynamic in adult life wherever I see it. I prefer more intimate one on one friendships.

 

I would be bothered if my Hubby had lots of random friendships and agree that it is important to prioritise a spouse over such friendships.

 

So, I think it is important to consider the type of friendships you have and how any dynamics effect the main relationships with spouse and family..

 

Take care,

Eve x

[DreamerGirl27]

I see friendships as falling on a sliding scale of importance. I was not one of the popular crowd in secondary school (.. and did not want to be part of it either) and so tend to avoid this dynamic in adult life wherever I see it. I prefer more intimate one on one friendships.

 

I would be bothered if my Hubby had lots of random friendships and agree that it is important to prioritise a spouse over such friendships.

 

So, I think it is important to consider the type of friendships you have and how any dynamics effect the main relationships with spouse and family..

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

Thanks Eve.

[Dust]

I think in many ways family comes before friends. The caveat to that is when you really love some one they are your family, this whether it be a wife, or a life long friend.

 

Family knows you in and out. It’s easy to present yourself in a certain way to friends, a polished manor. Family comes closest to knowing real you. A loving partner will know you better then any other family member. This alone makes you closest to them. At that point in time I do believe in being each others number one.

 

That’s not to say I don’t think a friend in need is a friend indeed. I truly believe in keeping your friends close especially when in a relationship. I just think you need to make your family a priority. The thing about family is no one can piss you off more, but even if you just got in the worst fight ever you’d still be there in a flash if needed. Friendships can’t be counted on to that level. The trust and respect should be higher for a partner.

[Woggle]

I disagree with her about friends because they are very important but I do agree with her about how people these days treat relationships as disposable and then wonder why they never seem to work out.

[Dust]

I disagree with her about friends because they are very important but I do agree with her about how people these days treat relationships as disposable and then wonder why they never seem to work out.

 

This was the main point I got out of it.

[Eve]

Thanks Eve.

 

 

Glad I understood you right.

 

I think random friendships can negatively influence intimate relationships. Seen it time and time again. People slip back into the Secondary School mindset and forget themselves and their family members.

 

I have no time for this.

 

Hubby and I are friends with people who we knew prior to meeting each other and have made other joint friends together too.

 

Spending five minutes looking at someones friendship group says a lot about them! Especially whether they can in fact make authentic decisions. Some people still play the fool with friends, or are the ones who never make it and mostly I would say this is to do with this vision of themselves being reinforced through their friendships.. especially men, who are often are conditioned to not show emotions openly. Women too sometimes define themselves by how attractive their friends say they are. P'sshhhh..

 

I have my own style and my own ways!

 

Hubby is my best friend. I don't tire of him easily. NO ONE comes to our home unless they are balanced individuals who have our best interests at heart. I think this is why there is such a calming positive vibe in our home because it is a true representation of us. Friends will comment that they feel so much better after an evening in our lovely home. Especially as there is so much to do and see.

 

I am glad Secondary School is over, never to return. All that randomness did my head in! Can't stand all that nonsense of fake people trying to make you be fake with them.. and being let down by people who should know you.

 

Family is way better than friends but I love my friends who have become as family. This is how I see friendship anyway. I really look out for and look after my friends. Like properly care for them as I do for my family.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[oldguy]

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."

- C. S. Lewis

 

It originally sounded like you stopped reading the C. S. Lewis quote after the first line & missed the message; Like philosophy & art, friends give value to survival.

[DreamerGirl27]

What I am saying is that when friends become more important than your SO, that's when you have a problem. I would not think twice about cutting contact with an opposite sex friend if a boyfriend or husband asked me to. Because I would rather lose the friend, than my boyfriend/husband.

 

It's just different priorities.

 

I'm aware that once I get married, it will be for life, as long as it goes how it's supposed to and you are not supposed to get divorced. (According to the bible) and I believe the bible very much.

 

Even if you don't believe in the bible, there are obvious reasons why it's probably not a good idea to be getting divorced left and right.

 

I am also aware that I have had many, many, many different friendships over the course of my life and none of them have been forever.

 

That's why I find it bizarre when someone gives the advice to leave your partner because they have a problem with your friends. It's your partner who should hold the greatest importance and value in your decision, not your friends. His/her wishes should be respected. If you can't understand that, you're not ready to be in a relationship and it's no wonder so many people get divorced.

 

Their priorities are all screwed up.

[oldguy]

What I am saying is that when friends become more important than your SO, that's when you have a problem. I would not think twice about cutting contact with an opposite sex friend if a boyfriend or husband asked me to. Because I would rather lose the friend, than my boyfriend/husband.

 

It's just different priorities.

 

I'm aware that once I get married, it will be for life, as long as it goes how it's supposed to and you are not supposed to get divorced. (According to the bible) and I believe the bible very much.

 

Even if you don't believe in the bible, there are obvious reasons why it's probably not a good idea to be getting divorced left and right.

 

I am also aware that I have had many, many, many different friendships over the course of my life and none of them have been forever.

 

That's why I find it bizarre when someone gives the advice to leave your partner because they have a problem with your friends. It's your partner who should hold the greatest importance and value in your decision, not your friends. His/her wishes should be respected. If you can't understand that, you're not ready to be in a relationship and it's no wonder so many people get divorced.

 

Their priorities are all screwed up.

 

It is also important to marry your best friend and I agree that your SO should come before your friends, I would also be concerned if too many of your friends weren't compatible with your SO.

[DreamerGirl27]

Maybe it's not priorities, but more where your loyalties lie.

 

It's also incredibly cynical and pessimistic to go into a relationship thinking "well, I'll have my friends when we break up, so I should definitely hang onto those instead of my gf/bf."

 

I always go in with the notion that this is "the one" and this is going to last forever, because I wouldn't go into anything with anyone unless I felt that way from the beginning.

 

The glass is always half full.

[uklfstyle]

You contradict yourself frequently I've noted..."friendships are unnecessary" then at the end you say, "friendships are important"!!!!WTF!!!

 

I know my friends will be around for me come what may, through failed relationships, losing loved ones etc....Friends my dear, are for life, relationships come and go...statistics say so!!!!

 

Agree, Frinds are for life!!!

 

Choose carefully your friends!!

[SpiralOut]

What I am saying is that when friends become more important than your SO, that's when you have a problem. I would not think twice about cutting contact with an opposite sex friend if a boyfriend or husband asked me to. Because I would rather lose the friend, than my boyfriend/husband.

 

I see what you are saying. However, if my partner issued an ultimatum to me that I must choose between him or my friend...well, I would be wondering how good of a partner he really is.

[wny]

[FONT=arial]This is how I view friends. They are unnecessary. Awesome to have around, but unnecessary. Your SO on the other hand, is priceless and should be held higher than anyone else in your life.

 

Friendships are important. Your girlfriend/boyfriend, husband/wife is more important.

 

[/FONT]

 

Having been with my partner for 24 years, let me share some insights. I think your opening quote charged the debate in a direction you may not have totally intended. On the face of it, I agree with most of this, except for the word "unnecessary."

 

I treat my SO as my first priority, but not my only priority. There are obligations to a range of people in our lives -- our family, our closest friends, and our partners.

 

Too often, I have watched new relationships among friends flounder because the new person in someone's life is so insecure, any time spent with other people is treated as a threat. I would not be in a relationship with someone who attempted to control who I call friends, my family, or even worse denigrate them to my face. It's a warning sign I've urged friends to pay attention to because it speaks to what could become a calamitous relationship in the future.

 

There is always a settling in process and I respect that, but people who sacrifice their friends for their SO are hurting themselves. I, like most people, will not be there for someone who is willing to throw me under the bus because Mr. or Ms. New Face demands it or manipulates someone to think it's their idea. It's happened to me. I form very tight, close-knit friendships with a select few people and they last decades if I can help it. But if you want to wreck it, one great way is to disappear at some SO's request.

 

When you enter into a relationship, the SO better be willing to accept you for you, and that includes friends and family. They don't have to love all of them, they don't even have to hang out with them. But they sure as hell better not dictate to me who is acceptable and who isn't. In my own relationship, this was never an issue -- I have my friends, he has his, we all try and hang out together. When I've seen some of my friends end up with 'lil manipulators, I issue the appropriate observations and warnings. In my experience, controlling people like that don't last too long. One only hopes they get kicked to the curb before the friendship collateral damage gets too great.

[dacian]

You contradict yourself frequently I've noted..."friendships are unnecessary" then at the end you say, "friendships are important"!!!!WTF!!!

 

I know my friends will be around for me come what may, through failed relationships, losing loved ones etc....Friends my dear, are for life, relationships come and go...statistics say so!!!!

 

agree a friend is for life!