Author jaymz Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 My heart is full of hate. I cannot stand my stbxw wife and what she has done for her own selfish gain. I hate not seeing my kids everyday. I hate she has tainted special memories. I hate she lied and cheated on me for months. I hate the way she tells me "I have done nothing wrong other than fall in love with someone else", or that "I have no regrets for anything i have done", or "you are a loser" etc. I hate the way she rubs my face in her affairs. I hate having to get a std check. I hate coming home everyday to an empty house. I hate having no money because of her selfish actions. I hate her family and they way they treat me. I hate the way she has zero respect for me. I hate the way I am just a babysitter and a monthly cheque. I hate the 15 years I invested in this woman and it turns out like this. My head says listen to andyg99 and updown. They have been there, done it, got the t-shirt. So I am being the bigger man. I do not ask her for anything. I respond reasonably to her requests but not frightened to say no. I don't complain to her about anything. I try and let her know about things that concern her in a timely manner (holiday time with kids/finances/divorce). I am the much bigger person. I am kind, loyal, faithful, hard working, funny (at times), employed (still hanging on), i want to love and be loved, emotional, thoughful, strong, independent guy. I am working on myself, getting fit, working out, learning how to do things for myself, live the single life, manage money better, cook for myself, shop for myself. I am trying to discover who I am now as an individual as I lost too much in our relationship trying to be what she wanted and doing anything to keep her happy. It is painful. Yesterday I walked out to scumbags car and said goodbye to the kids and waved them off, a few months ago I wouldn't have done that. I hesitated to go at first, it would have been much easier not to. But i have to face the facts now, she has gone and she wont be coming back. The kids are my no 1 priority and they come first to me no matter what childish tricks the stbxw pulls. To me it shows that she is small and pathetic, and ultimately may have done me a big favour. It is hard. I hate my kids telling me anything about the stbxw and scumbag. I hate that they like him. I hate that they don't like him. I hate that they complain that he shouts at them at times. But i just smile and change the subject onto talking about US instead. I don't know where I will be in 6 months time. I hope to have the house sold, divorce finalised and a place of my own. Then i can really heal, do the things I want to do and truly move on with my life. Please have a good think about the advice your getting on here. Be smart. Play the long game. Be the winner.
Author jaymz Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 Telling a 4yr old and an 18yr old are two entirely different things. I have a box, in this box is all the pictures, gifts etc the stbxw didn't want. I also have a folder in this box marked divorce, this has all my evidence, soliticitor letters, my log of what actually went on etc. When the time comes, my kids have the opportunity to see what really went on, warts and all.
debtman Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 jaymz, stay strong, you're doing great. There will be big ups and downs, especially where the kids are concerned, but, it will all work out. Time heals all... Keep your head on straight, focus on yourself and the kids and let her do whatever she's going to do. Pay no mind to her...she doesn't deserve it... OM has done you a favor. You WILL be better off... Good luck and keep posting...
Surfer203 Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 One thing is for sure. You are NOT a loser. You are the opposite of that, doing the right thing by your kids and yourself. You are a real man and a good person. Keep that up no matter what some one of lesser moral character may say about you. Her opinion amounts to s***, really.
Author jaymz Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 One thing is for sure. You are NOT a loser. You are the opposite of that, doing the right thing by your kids and yourself. You are a real man and a good person. Keep that up no matter what some one of lesser moral character may say about you. Her opinion amounts to s***, really. Problem is in the dark times i feel like a loser. Wife left me and took the kids for a scumbag! Something must be wrong with me? I come home to an empty house, i am barely holding on to my job, no money, no car, I feel fat and ugly, i feel invisible to the world unless they know about my situation then i feel everyone is laughing at me, i have few friends and they live miles away, i feel everyone is getting bored of my situation, i feel very, very down some days. Taking advice I have started to regularly cycle (did 12 miles in an hour last night, and 14 miles on Sunday) and do rugby on a Monday night. I bought some new expensive jockey underwear and socks, i felt good to throw away the old stuff. I spent time cleaning the house, making the front and back look great so I can sell it better. There are new things I want to do: cooking, dancing, karate and some other sport - not sure what yet. When I have the kids I give them 100% of my time. But i still slip back at times, it feels like two steps forward 1 step back two steps forward, 10 steps back.
AudentesFortuna Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Problem is in the dark times i feel like a loser. Wife left me and took the kids for a scumbag! Something must be wrong with me? I come home to an empty house, i am barely holding on to my job, no money, no car, I feel fat and ugly, i feel invisible to the world unless they know about my situation then i feel everyone is laughing at me, i have few friends and they live miles away, i feel everyone is getting bored of my situation, i feel very, very down some days. Taking advice I have started to regularly cycle (did 12 miles in an hour last night, and 14 miles on Sunday) and do rugby on a Monday night. I bought some new expensive jockey underwear and socks, i felt good to throw away the old stuff. I spent time cleaning the house, making the front and back look great so I can sell it better. There are new things I want to do: cooking, dancing, karate and some other sport - not sure what yet. When I have the kids I give them 100% of my time. But i still slip back at times, it feels like two steps forward 1 step back two steps forward, 10 steps back. Hi! You yourself have the answers. She left you for scumbag. It has nothing to do with you. It's a reflection of her, not of you. You are doing all the right things. Since you do so many sports, use that to meet other people. Go online and find biking groups and rugby groups, etc. I will tell you what a friend told me once. I too felt that whatever progress I made, it would be wiped out when I felt into the darkness. That is not so. Progress is progress is progress. Whatever steps forward you have taken have been steps forward. The progress was made, you grew, you learned. The slides are just hiccups. Be proud of your progress. Good luck in selling the house! Mine went up for sale this week. Hang in there.
Surfer203 Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Jaymz, I know how you feel. You are not a loser, your wife is the loser. She chose to become involved with a loser too. Any one who cheats or is involved with a married/committed person is a loser. You are a good guy and a good Dad. Never forget that. The times when you feel sad are just temporary, all of the steps you take forward allow you to be that much further ahead, while the times of sadness aren't making things worse - things CAN'T get worse. The worst has already happened. Only forward progress from there on out, right?! Regarding how you feel ugly/fat, etc. I know what you are talking about, my wife has come back to me but STILL, I look in the mirror and think I am ugly and not good enough. I never had those types of thoughts before, always had confidence and felt good about myself. Dealing with what we have causes immense pain and destroys our confidence. I feel you on that. What we see in the mirror or in our mind is not what we are luckily. It sounds like you are honestly doing all of the right things to heal and get through this. Sports and activities are huge, exercise and socializing both for our own good! Plus it keeps you busy and your mind off of things. You are doing everything the right way man, keep doing it and keep growing. Good luck with the house!
robf1971 Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 , i am barely holding on to my job, no money, no car,. Sounds like me a year ago, mind you I had a car but it I couldn't afford to drive it anywhere, so it's pretty much the same. My business was in the toilet, so I had no money. Actually the strange thing is, thats what saved me, I threw myself back into it, and it brought me back a lot of self esteem and confidence.
robf1971 Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 , i feel everyone is getting bored of my situation, i feel very, very down some days. Yep, IMO you need to get to a point when you stop talking about it with mates too much, thats what these boards are here for. Thank goodness for the Web.. Also join a meetup or citysocialising group, they are great, you meet a tonne of new people. I did this, and went out a lot, didn't say a word about my situation just kept it light and laughing. The net result was that I had tonnes of stuff to do if I wanted to. Do what I say and in 6 months you'll have 2 offers to go out every night, while your wife will be stuck indoors with her boring fart OM.. lol
Author jaymz Posted August 5, 2011 Author Posted August 5, 2011 I do think my confidence has taken a huge knock down after everything that has happened. I don't think i had much in the first place, having some time to think i realize I had really retreated away from the world over the last few years. The w used to tell me what we did and when, she bought my clothes and told me what to wear (cheap clothes, she got the nice expensive stuff), i had trouble remembering directions to places as she would either drive or navigate, she would have a go at me for talking and then have a go for being quiet. Recently she says all our friends would find to hard to talk to me (like pulling teeth), i wouldn't say much, never suggest going out for a beer or anything like that. In a way she is right and i couldn't see it at the time. Now i understand i was very passive, didn't seek confrontation with her, agreed to everything she said or wanted and generally escaped by watching TV or on the computer. I now see that in someways i was very browbeaten, and that is, as a man, hard to see let alone admit. Looking back, i become very withdrawn and emotionless person - probably very cold to live with. Now my (few) friends and family say i am different. more emotional, expressive, talk more, on good days i'm positive and outgoing.
Author jaymz Posted August 5, 2011 Author Posted August 5, 2011 Yep, IMO you need to get to a point when you stop talking about it with mates too much, thats what these boards are here for. Thank goodness for the Web.. Its easier to admit things to a bunch on anonymous people than it is in real life, I think that will probably continue for a while Still hassle my parents though, they have been great throughout this ordeal. Also join a meetup or citysocialising group, they are great, you meet a tonne of new people. I did this, and went out a lot, didn't say a word about my situation just kept it light and laughing. The net result was that I had tonnes of stuff to do if I wanted to. I will do. I have looked at meetup before and didn't see much that interested me where i live, will try the other today. Thanks for the tip. Do what I say and in 6 months you'll have 2 offers to go out every night, while your wife will be stuck indoors with her boring fart OM.. lol I hope so. Joining some more clubs etc should generate some social circles for me. I want to be single for at least a year or so, this way I can find myself again and enjoy being able to say yes and not have to consult anyone else. I honestly don't know why she has done what she has done. She told her good friend that she was bored with life and wanted to relive her youth. A MLC lasts 2-5 years? Hers last 4 months. Now she is with someone living the exact same life again but with the same problems (as she does nothing wrong) and new ones with scumbag, the kids, scumbags kids, scumbags ex-wife and all the hassle that comes with it. It just seems she has got a life with much more complications than before... She has been posting on FB asking for babysitters, so far no-one has replied...
Author jaymz Posted August 5, 2011 Author Posted August 5, 2011 05/08/11 13:41 w texts me as i have cancelled the car insurance. this is something we agreed several weeks ago that she would pay for it and I will give her 1/7th of the cost for when i borrow the car. I also agreed to carry on paying her life assurance while we still owned the house. She seems to have forgotten this and is now accusing me: stbxw: "Take it u wont need the car this weekend as u have cancelled the direct debit" me: "We discussed this already, you agreed to take on the car insurance and i would contribute towards it. I said that you will need to call them and change the dd before the end of july. at the same time i agreed to keep paying your life assourance until the house was sold" stbxw: "u r not paying towards anything to do with the kids, and the littel money u r giving me will not pay for everything. and its not lee's responsibility, they r your children, man up and support them like he supports his. you should no expect him to pay for them just coz u r trying to get back at me. sort out the direct debit otherwise you wont b able to have the car coz u r not insured" me: "firstly you know the financial situation that we are in and until the house is sold it is not going to change. secondly i give you as much as i can, if any costs come down then i will happily pass it on to you but the cost of everything has gone up and having to put bills on credit cards, the divorce, energry prices going through the roof etc means there is no money. you know this, it is not a secret. thirdly i pay for the car loan. foruthly you agreed to pay for the car insuarance. finally i am not trying to get back at you, i am trying to do the best in the situation we are in." stbxw: "u reinstate the direct debit & i will give u half. also i think its best we rent the house out and that would help slot financially & u could still rent something smaller" me: "you sort out the dd as agreed, i will contribute half towards it. renting the house is not an option, we are coming to the busy time now and i am changing agents soon, with a much shorter tie in too"
LifesontheUp Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 She really is a piece of work So you are paying a car loan for a car she uses most of the time? Does she contribute to the mortgage? Do you have a documented and signed agreement?
Author jaymz Posted August 5, 2011 Author Posted August 5, 2011 She only pays for her store and credit cards, and now half the car insurance. I pay for mortgage, other credit cards, two loans and all household expenditure as well as give her £200 per month for kids. There is no written agreement to this. This is what really annoys me. I reply to her texts in a timely mannor. she ignores all mine, I'm still waiting to hear if I can have my son for the afternoon of his birthday next week, her to write a letter to the bank asking to cancel the old joint account, i have taken some time off work and want the kids for those days, her to return stuff she has taken when she agreed to leave them, her to send me a solicitor letter retracting all the vicious lies. I hear nothing about those, just crap about the car insurance which SHE sgreed to weeks ago. So yeah, she is a piece of work. I dont know why i didnt see how totally selfish she really is. She has no empathy at all.
LifesontheUp Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 (edited) Sorry, I'm not sure where you are with the process? My xH did the same, got me to pay for almost everything whilst he went to live rent free with a family member. As I was going to divorce him then I kept a record of everything I paid and then it was accounted for during the divorce settlement. I seriously suggest you get some legal advice if you haven't already. Also, if it were me I would text her back and say that you are happy to pay half the insurance as long as she pays half the car loan. Its very important you get a documented agreement over seeing your son too. Edited August 5, 2011 by LifesontheUp to add documented agreement
LifesontheUp Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 This is what really annoys me. I reply to her texts in a timely mannor. she ignores all mine Another thing, stop jumping to her attention. Unless its urgent take your time replying, let her wait like she makes you wait. Don't usually advise tit for tat, but she's asking for it
Author jaymz Posted August 5, 2011 Author Posted August 5, 2011 I am in the middle of divorcing her. The papers have what we agreed about me seeing the children on a regular basis. I do keep a record of things but the issue, in terms of money, is that the house and basic bills (like mortgage, gas, electric, 2 loans, 2 credit cards etc) basically swallow my salary and there is nothing left. She is now paying for the insurance and i contribute 1/7th towards it. I have decided not to play games any more with her, I am going to be the bigger person and be adult about things. If she texts about something important then i will reply within a reasonable time, not straight away. If its not then it will be ignored or left until later. In my responses i tell her exactly what i am doing. If she asks a question she gets a yes or no response. I do not blame her for anything and only remind her of things that she has agreed to.
Author jaymz Posted August 5, 2011 Author Posted August 5, 2011 5/8/11 18:40 Go to w house to pick up kids. starts off cold and cordial but ends up with her asking when i am going to pay towards kids swimming lessons, I ask when she is going to do the things she said she would do. Scumbag hides around the front door. As i leave with the kids she is laughing at me, like they are both sharing a joke at my expense. I just wave goodbye at them with the kids and drive off. When i see her she is in her gym kit, she looks very plain and ordinary. I don't really feel anything for her but I don't know if that is because i want to get the kids and get out of there as soon as possible? Once the kids are in bed and i have some time to myself, I get very down again. I read through some threads on LS which have really highlighted for me where i went wrong in the relationship and how i did let her down. Some of the threads the OP turns things around by recognising why things are going down the toilet, talks to their wife and fixes things. Why could i not have done that? Why did it take me so long to realise it? Why did she not say anything? Why did she take the easy way out and not want to work on things? I guess the other reason i am down is because she has moved on and found someone better than me who treats her right. how long this will go on for i don't know. I miss my wife. I miss my kids. I miss it all so much. Sorry. I just feel so bad, rejected, stupid, pointless tonight.
robf1971 Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Jaymz.. Listen to me. No one can decide what she's entitled to except for the law. There fore each time your reply should be I qoute.... "talk to my lawyer" also email her the number too
robf1971 Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Your wasting your breath. Refer her to your lawyer. She's bored and wants to wind you up. Let me repeat she has left. On her own accord and as a result has no power to tell you whether to rent the house out. It's all talk.
willowthewisp Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 Jaymz Even if you did things which contributed to the problems in your marriage, these things do not justify her having an affair. How she chose to deal with the marital problems that is on her, she had choices, like you said, she could have spoken to you, she chose to have an affair, to call men abroad, to sleep with guys on holiday, come on man, you KNOW this was not your fault! MLC can last up to 7 years and being with him can be a symptom of it as well. I have PMed you a link for information about this.
worlybear Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 She only pays for her store and credit cards, and now half the car insurance. I pay for mortgage, other credit cards, two loans and all household expenditure as well as give her £200 per month for kids. There is no written agreement to this. This is what really annoys me. I reply to her texts in a timely mannor. she ignores all mine, I'm still waiting to hear if I can have my son for the afternoon of his birthday next week, her to write a letter to the bank asking to cancel the old joint account, i have taken some time off work and want the kids for those days, her to return stuff she has taken when she agreed to leave them, her to send me a solicitor letter retracting all the vicious lies. I hear nothing about those, just crap about the car insurance which SHE sgreed to weeks ago. So yeah, she is a piece of work. I dont know why i didnt see how totally selfish she really is. She has no empathy at all. Ok. Stop. Here's what you need to do. 1.Cancel all joint direct debits - inc. mortgage. 2.Cancel joint account at the bank.(This can be done with one signatory.) 3. Continue paying money for kids. 4. Do not contribute to her household expenditure. 5. Inform your solicitor that you urgently need to move things forward and apply for emergency interim hearing (?) I think thats what its called . If you pm me I can give you the name of a British site that can offer free advice. She's pulling your strings- time to fight back!:bunny:
russell1968 Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 She only pays for her store and credit cards, and now half the car insurance. I pay for mortgage, other credit cards, two loans and all household expenditure as well as give her £200 per month for kids. There is no written agreement to this. Jaymz. i went to the CSA and i let them determine how much i pay, that way it stopped her from using this against me, unfortunetly even though i have them 2-3 nights per week i pay 300.00 quid for two of them per month, but she can no longer have this over me..
Author jaymz Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 Great weekend with the kids, didn't do much on the Saturday but went shopping and bought them a DVD (then had to buy a DVD player to play it on!) to watch that afternoon, it was nice all of us snuggled up on the sofa for a couple of hours. On the Sunday we went to this military tanks and aircraft day at a local airfield. It was a brilliant day out, the kids loved it! 7/8/11 18:40 Dropped kids off at w house. She wanted to talk to me alone, I said ok but my eldest wouldn't leave her alone. She wanted to talk about me having the middle child on the afternoon of his birthday, she had planned to take them all to the cinema. In my head "FFS! you ask me if i want him for the afternoon, i arrange time off and let you know that i can, and now you change plans on me!!!", i actually say "you asked me if i wanted him for the afternoon of his birthday, i told you i would arrange it with work and let you know, which i have done, i would like to see him on his birthday, its only for a few hours". She then said "Well i will only see him for a few hours too", in my head "this is because you shacked up with a f**king scumbag and broken our family", i actually said "you do have him 12 days and i only get to see them occasionally now, i think its reasonable for me to have him for the afternoon of his birthday". She then agreed to let me have him. This is just so f*cking annoying, she asks for something, I agree to it and then she changes everything again. why make this all 100x harder? I guess now why she didn't want any kids around when we discussed it, she wants to be the "good guy" all the time. My eldest is not stupid. He listens to exchanges like this, he knows whats been arranged as I tell them that I was going to have them for middle child's birthday afternoon. The kids were all upset that w had not invited me to his party on the Sunday. I told them that i would see them on the afternoon and we would do something special together the following weekend. The eldest still confronted the w over it and she told them that "daddy cant make it", when in fact she does not want me there and said that there will be no more shared birthdays. nice
Author jaymz Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 Jaymz.. Listen to me. No one can decide what she's entitled to except for the law. There fore each time your reply should be I qoute.... "talk to my lawyer" also email her the number too Very expensive route - i had hoped she would be more adult about things but she just keeps failing. The recent solicitor letter exchange where she made up lies about me (physical torture! being my favourite) cost me £1,200 to sort out in legal fees and I have nothing to show for it. I just cannot spend that kind of money, i just don't have it and I shouldn't need to if she just grew up. Your wasting your breath. Refer her to your lawyer. She's bored and wants to wind you up. Let me repeat she has left. On her own accord and as a result has no power to tell you whether to rent the house out. It's all talk. I know that, its probably what is killing me some days. The thought that someone i loved so much could turn into this monster and try to ruin my life. She has no power over me except with the kids, and she is playing that one. Having a go at me as i don't see them enough, then having ago if i see them too much!
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