It Happened... Ex wants to talk.

[shawn923]

I am currently 15 days NC. My log is here... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t274226/

 

 

So she texts me a quote from a love song today, around 7. I didnt reply... But i was very curious. Anyways, hours pass by and she calls me at 11. This being her 2nd attempt at reaching me, i figured it was important and picked up. She casually asks what im doing and so forth, and just says the text she sent me was cuz she like the song... So i immediately sense bullshhit, lol, this was about 3 mins thru. So i said ill ttyl, im busy now... and she reluctantly hung up.

 

She immediately texts me back, and asks if we can talk. I say sure. ABout what? And she begins pouring her heart out... "I pushed u away" "Im having mixed thoughts" "i think about you 24.7" "I feel like shhit when i see you".... I asked is there any going back? she said she honestly doesnt know... Then i asked she wanted to discuss US, in person, she said yes... And im meeting with her tuesday for lunch.

 

So what do i think of this? And how do i handle this meeting? Im ready for any outcome...

[TaraMaiden]

Read the 'Caliguy no contact' link in my signature. It's covered there.

 

Be Mr. Cool, Mr. Aloof, Mr In-Control.

 

Talk about practicalities and what you will both have to do to get this back on track, even if it means counselling and stepping up to the plate and admitting your own responsibilities and roles in the break-up.

 

Fault, guilt and blame may be real issues. One of you may be to 'blame' for the break-up, but don't mudsling, ever.

 

But responsibility for the state of the relationship and its maintenance is an equally-divisible thing.

[Fufu]

Don't expect anything out of the meeting, just be yourself.

 

To me, it seems that she is still being unsure and confused of what she wants.

[TaraMaiden]

I agree:

 

Unless you get an absolute -

 

"Look, I was an complete idiot, I know it. I'm so sorry for the pain I've caused, and I really want us to be an item again. I'll do whatever it takes to get us back on track, and I'm asking you to give us one more chance to see if we can make it work, together... " (or words very much to this effect) -

 

Then know it's all whistling in the breeze, and an attempt to connect to make her feel better.

 

Not you.

[Hules]

Act indifferent, if you don't hear what you want to hear then walk away. She has to offer the olive branch. If she doesn't shes ****ing with you.

[shawn923]

What do I do if/when she starts asking hard azz questions? Like do u love me? Do u care about me? Do u miss me? How am I suppose to answer those? Do I play it cool or be honest?

[WTRanger]

If she asks you hard questions, be honest in your response. But also be honest in your needs or views of you two. If you want a 2nd chance, say it but DO NOT settle for anything less. You've folded more times in the past few weeks than a cheap umbrella. It's time to stick with your goals.

 

How long have you been strung along with this harpie? Have you gotten any answer? I wouldn't expect much out of this little meeting other than confusion. It also seems as if she can't express her socially retarded self in any other way than texting. So again, don't expect much from the meeting but expect a load of BS texts afterward.

[PelicanPete]

Bro if she wants to get back together, she's still a harpy and she hasn't really done anything to show she genuinely cares about you. All she has shown you is how nasty she can be. From what you've said it sounds like shes still the immature girl that broke up with you in the first place. Things won't be the same as before if you get back together with her.

 

I mean look at the situation she created. Shes rebounding with some guy that likes her so she can just dump him aside the second someone better comes along. Shes a manipulator. She's only gotten worse from the breakup and shes just going to be trying to manipulate you.

[radiodarcy]

you've been hurt by this person enough as it is, so proceed with caution. given her track record, this sounds less like a sincere gesture at reconciliation and more like another attempt to get your attention. i really think she just misses having control over you and is willing to say anything to get it back.

[shawn923]

Of course, im proceeding with caution because I know shes hurt me bad before... I just need to know how to talk to her. Should i just be completely honest, tell her i miss her, and want to try again? And im going to tell her straight up, im not interested in being your friend. I dont want to be your friend. I wont accept anything less than her coming back wanting to be with me... so unless she does that, should i just reject everything shes saying, and let her know "im going nc again"? And will she make it obvious? Obvious as in "shawn i want to be with you. lets work on us again"

[Layzie89]

Act totally nonchalant when you meet with her. By acting like that you're not giving the impression that you don't care...you're showing her that you're doing just as well without her as you were with her. Be firm when you say you wont accept anything less than a relationship but don't be harsh about it. you can tell her youve missed her but thats it. Dont go into a sob story about how youve been thinking about her constantly and such. Dont allow things to escalate into an argument..if you notice you two are conflicting on matters, politely dismiss yourself from the convo and walk away with your cool. Good luck. Let us know how it turns out.

[silvermane187]

IMO Don't listen to all this bull**** about acting like you don't care. Play it cool but be completely honest or you're just wasting your time.

[Layzie89]

IMO Don't listen to all this bull**** about acting like you don't care. Play it cool but be completely honest or you're just wasting your time.

 

Nobody told him to act like he doesn't care.

[betterdeal]

Pay attention to you own feelings throughout the meeting. You may have things you need to resolve from your past that are or aren't related to her, or you may find things she says or does during the meeting that upset you. Don't deny yourself these feelings. It's pointless trying to because they exist.

 

Try and be direct, clear and precise in what you say. Tell her what you do like and what you don't like, and what you'd like her to do, and what you'd be willing to do. Take your time. If you feel rushed, or unable to say your piece, this is something else to consider: you may both work at different paces, have different rhythms, and simply not match well because of this.

 

Be open-minded to the prospect of a new relationship with her, but also be mindful of your and her limitations. Change often comes slowly. You may simply be at different stages in your lives from each other, or you may be both willing to take a few knocks but grow and learn together.

 

Basically, honour your self, be your self, and do what you want to do.

 

For example, my ex used sex as a weapon. She would hit on a guy if I was talking to a woman (a mutual friend) in a more friendly, spontaneous way than I was her (which in turn was because we had some unresolved conflict bubbling under the surface). This turned me off. I simply disengage more and more as soon as someone starts to get aggressive like this. If we were to meet again in similar circumstances to yours - for a big talk - I'd tell her I will not accept this behaviour and will call off the relationship.

 

I'd want to take it slowly. To get to know each other again. To rebuild trust and affection. To see and feel our relationship was a compliment not a detriment to my life experience.

Edited April 26, 2011 by betterdeal

[Fufu]

Pay attention to you own feelings throughout the meeting. You may have things you need to resolve from your past that are or aren't related to her, or you may find things she says or does during the meeting that upset you. Don't deny yourself these feelings. It's pointless trying to because they exist.

 

Try and be direct, clear and precise in what you say. Tell her what you do like and what you don't like, and what you'd like her to do, and what you'd be willing to do. Take your time. If you feel rushed, or unable to say your piece, this is something else to consider: you may both work at different paces, have different rhythms, and simply not match well because of this.

 

Be open-minded to the prospect of a new relationship with her, but also be mindful of your and her limitations. Change often comes slowly. You may simply be at different stages in your lives from each other, or you may be both willing to take a few knocks but grow and learn together.

 

Basically, honour your self, be your self, and do what you want to do.

 

For example, my ex used sex as a weapon. She would hit on a guy if I was talking to a woman (a mutual friend) in a more friendly, spontaneous way than I was her (which in turn was because we had some unresolved conflict bubbling under the surface). This turned me off. I simply disengage more and more as soon as someone starts to get aggressive like this. If we were to meet again in similar circumstances to yours - for a big talk - I'd tell her I will not accept this behaviour and will call off the relationship.

 

I'd want to take it slowly. To get to know each other again. To rebuild trust and affection. To see and feel our relationship was a compliment not a detriment to my life experience.

 

Awesome post betterdeal. Shawn, read this over and over again

[shawn923]

@fufu @betterdeal lol ok i did read it over and over

 

Thanks for the advice everybody. Im going to school, then meeting with her afterwards to talk... Im going to be completely honest with her, take it slow, play it cool, and not accept anything less than a commitment from her, albeit slowly... Hopefully everything goes well. And if she still says she just wants to be friends, then back to NC it is, thanks for wasting my time... But i'll try my best not to be bitter, or sound too excited.

[Fufu]

let us know how it goes if it is okay for you

[shawn923]

I think shes back....

 

We met and talked... she confessed she wanted to be with me again. I told her what i wanted, and accepted no less. and we talked out all our problems and agreed to work on all of them... then she said she made a mistake by moving on so fast. She said she realizes she has to break another heart now, in order to get back to me... and she told me WHEN she does break up with the guy, she will want to be with me... and we were on the same page. she even ended up leaning in, and she kissed me... and we said we missed eachother and all that.

 

So i guess now she starts the process of dumping the guy... i told her i wouldnt accept no less, and that actions speak louder than words. i wont sit here while shes dating him, and have me wait... i let her know this so she knows.

 

So.... we'll see. I see her tmr at school. I may just say hi and keep it moving.

[Fufu]

keep it slow, don't rush and also don't over analyze.

 

She's no longer with the guy already right? 100% confirm plus chop?

[Layzie89]

Looks like things are turning out well for you shawn. You're in a good position right now, she knows how you feel and vise versa. When you see her, do not pressure her, do not question her or anything. Continue with a cool head and keep conversations as brief as possible until shes 100% back with you. Last thing you want right now is to show her that needy, insecure side of you that she left you for in the first place. Props and good luck brother.

[hunk]

goddammit you go against all our advice and yet you somehow get her back. well, here's to you brother. *throws laptop against wall*

[radiodarcy]

goddammit you go against all our advice and yet you somehow get her back. well, here's to you brother. *throws laptop against wall*

 

*sigh* allow me to second that. i don't have that kind of luck...

 

but seriously - - i'm glad things worked out for you shawn. good luck and as everyone else has advised take it slow...

[TaraMaiden]

....Unless you get an absolute -

 

"Look, I was an complete idiot, I know it. I'm so sorry for the pain I've caused, and I really want us to be an item again. I'll do whatever it takes to get us back on track, and I'm asking you to give us one more chance to see if we can make it work, together... " (or words very much to this effect) -

 

Then know it's all whistling in the breeze, and an attempt to connect to make her feel better.

 

Not you.

 

....

... she confessed she wanted to be with me again. ... then she said she made a mistake by moving on so fast. She said she realizes she has to break another heart now, in order to get back to me... and she told me WHEN she does break up with the guy, she will want to be with me...

 

This panned out exactly as I advised then.

She came up with the goods. Well that's positive....

Is this going to be one of the "second chances" that actually works....?

 

So i guess now she starts the process of dumping the guy... i told her i wouldnt accept no less, and that actions speak louder than words. i wont sit here while shes dating him, and have me wait... i let her know this so she knows.

So.... we'll see. ...

Indeed.

Like I said - it will take work On Both Sides.

 

She has to prove 110% commitment to the relationship, and do whatever it takes to prove to you that her remorse and intention to try again, are sincere, dedicated and completely open.

 

And you?

you have to be open enough to give he the chance to prove herself, and if she brings up factors in you as why it went wrong the first time, step up to the plate, accept responsibility for whatever went on in you, and work to effect a good, healthy compromise.

 

Good Luck. I hope it works out, but if not....

Here we all are.....

[PegNosePete]

So i guess now she starts the process of dumping the guy...

Great to hear the good news shawn. Good for you.

But surely this "process" is a 5 minute phone call? Why didn't she do it there and then?

Seems to me, that she is not as committed as she claims. Her actions don't match her words. Hope I'm wrong, just seems that she still not 100% decided on her next move.

[shawn923]

keep it slow, don't rush and also don't over analyze.

 

She's no longer with the guy already right? 100% confirm plus chop?

 

She still with him as of RIGHT NOW... i told i would be patient with that situation. But like i said earlier, i let her know i wouldnt be waiting for her. actions speak louder than words, and i needed to see some action.

 

Looks like things are turning out well for you shawn. You're in a good position right now, she knows how you feel and vise versa. When you see her, do not pressure her, do not question her or anything. Continue with a cool head and keep conversations as brief as possible until shes 100% back with you. Last thing you want right now is to show her that needy, insecure side of you that she left you for in the first place. Props and good luck brother.

 

Yea im probably gonna just wave hi and continue my business... I wont text her or anything like that. maybe just once tonight to say goodnite... So i guess im into LC

 

goddammit you go against all our advice and yet you somehow get her back. well, here's to you brother. *throws laptop against wall*

 

LMAO no way, i definitely listened to all ur guys advice! I always did. It was just that whenever i thought about contacting her, i would post here, asking a repetitive question... But i always went NC and took all ur guys advice. Somehow i always knew how she really felt, i knew deep down she still wanted to be together. This is also why it was hard for me to accept going NC. But i manned up and did it...