Author NickFeek Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Today..at the hospital with BH (B stands for Basta**) for his tests and I went to the Meditation Room. It was very quiet, little fountain noise, no one was there but me and it was very peaceful. I really thought a lot about my life right now and tried to decide what I needed to do to take control of this bad situation. I stayed for quite a while, maybe 1 1/2 hours. I left there, went to the gift shop, got a notebook, went and got coffee, sat in a corner and wrote out 15 questions to ask an attorney. Now, I don't feel like jumping up and down, but I feel a little more in control. So maybe go with Sunny's suggestion and see if that helps. I don't think it will feel better until things are settled for you and you can move on a little bit at a time. Best to you. I gotta learn all these abbreviations! That sounds so peaceful, and also productive. Good steps! You're right, though. I'll have to take the good moments while I can, because it's going to be bad for a while no matter what. FYI I spoke with a lawyer yesterday and got some positive news (mixed with a little financial negatives!) about a potential separation/divorce. I'm still hoping it never gets that far, but at least I know my rights now, and generally what to expect.
trippi1432 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Nick - how are the kids holding up in all of this?
Author NickFeek Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Nick - how are the kids holding up in all of this? My sons are oblivious. We are doing a pretty good job of keeping all of this on the down low, shielding them from what we're going through. My daughter (11), however, is smart & intuitive enough to know that something is going on, and she is worried sick. We've told her we're doing all we can to work on it and that we love them & will always be with them, etc. But I'm sure she's going to be worried about it until everything is more stable. Fortunately she's also old enough to have her own worries now, which is a good distraction for all of us to focus on. Overall their schedule & daily life has not been affected much, and we're going to keep it that way for as long as we can.
trippi1432 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 My sons are oblivious. We are doing a pretty good job of keeping all of this on the down low, shielding them from what we're going through. My daughter (11), however, is smart & intuitive enough to know that something is going on, and she is worried sick. We've told her we're doing all we can to work on it and that we love them & will always be with them, etc. But I'm sure she's going to be worried about it until everything is more stable. Fortunately she's also old enough to have her own worries now, which is a good distraction for all of us to focus on. Overall their schedule & daily life has not been affected much, and we're going to keep it that way for as long as we can. Good Nick - It's hard on you and your wife both I'm sure to have your own distractions, but both of you being able to focus on your daughter and her issues, that is a good distraction as well as gives her that security she needs. Eleven is an impressionable age.. until they hit those teens....then it's drama on steroids. ;) J/K. Sounds like you and your wife are doing as well as you can in that role.
Author NickFeek Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Good Nick - It's hard on you and your wife both I'm sure to have your own distractions, but both of you being able to focus on your daughter and her issues, that is a good distraction as well as gives her that security she needs. Eleven is an impressionable age.. until they hit those teens....then it's drama on steroids. ;) J/K. Sounds like you and your wife are doing as well as you can in that role. Thanks, we're trying. We have both said over & over that it's a good thing "life" gets in the way of a crisis like this. Keeps us grounded and able to regroup when needed.
tojaz Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I am really low today and don't know what to do. This weekend has seemed to knock me completely off track. Any advice? Give yourself a break, a little time to catch your breath and to take a step back. The stress can be a killer in a lot of ways, if its getting to you, its time to let it lie for a night or two. TOJAZ
Author NickFeek Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 Give yourself a break, a little time to catch your breath and to take a step back. The stress can be a killer in a lot of ways, if its getting to you, its time to let it lie for a night or two. TOJAZ I appreciate that. I tend to get caught up in the crisis & anxious to work on it right away, and when I'm not I get really scared or down. A break is good.
Author NickFeek Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 hi Nick, thinking about you. hoping you are well. Thank you so much! It was an up & down weekend, but progress overall. This morning she said yes to counseling. And we've been much more in touch with each other.
trippi1432 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 That is good news Nick, especially the keeping in touch part. There is still the road ahead, but it is good there are some positive steps in the right direction now.
Author NickFeek Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 That is good news Nick, especially the keeping in touch part. There is still the road ahead, but it is good there are some positive steps in the right direction now. Thank you, and I agree. Whatever hard work and adjusting we've done in the last seven months was important, but only a prelude to the real work we need to do now.
2sunny Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 that is great news. since you both intend to work on the M - stay only in today. just doing your best for the moment you're in helps. don't look ahead = don't look to the past. stay in the moment - making the best of each moment you gets helps with perspective of what you DO have - right now. we only have right now.
Author NickFeek Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 that is great news. since you both intend to work on the M - stay only in today. just doing your best for the moment you're in helps. don't look ahead = don't look to the past. stay in the moment - making the best of each moment you gets helps with perspective of what you DO have - right now. we only have right now. Funny, I've been doing a lot more of that lately. I think from exhaustion & being overwhelmed it feels stronger & safer not to swirl all the past & future around in my head. And I'm reading that Eckhard Tolle book, so it's perfect timing. It will be step by step, and will require US to do the work, but I'm very relieved we'll have a support system, and a routine, and a schedule to follow, etc.
Ira Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Eckhard Tolle is a great book! I don't have anything to offer you (sorry) but I am following your posts and truthfully learning from them for my own situation in my marriage. Hope you don't mind me just lurking (unless I think of something worth while sharing that is)
Author NickFeek Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Eckhard Tolle is a great book! I don't have anything to offer you (sorry) but I am following your posts and truthfully learning from them for my own situation in my marriage. Hope you don't mind me just lurking (unless I think of something worth while sharing that is) Hey, don't mind at all! I've been so lucky here to find so many great people, and if all this can help someone else too, all the better! Good luck with everything. Hope you're doing okay.
liaise Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 it may help to read the whole thread- that's been one of the the issues - she never tells much and is rarely participating... even when he begs for information from her. she's absent - at best. ya i think you are right!
Author NickFeek Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 when is the counseling appointment? After jumping thru insurance hoops and calling several doctors with no availability, we finally have an appt. for June 30. Not as soon as I'd like but good enough. She is really overwhelmed both at work and at home, and I think it's in large part due to the impending appt. She seems angry and resentful that we are going through with it. I could be wrong but that's what my gut says.
2sunny Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 She is really overwhelmed both at work and at home, and I think it's in large part due to the impending appt. She seems angry and resentful that we are going through with it. I could be wrong but that's what my gut says. i'm unclear why you say this... if she agreed to the counseling - now she's angry and resentful about the decision she made? what has she been changing this past week, anything?
Author NickFeek Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 i'm unclear why you say this... if she agreed to the counseling - now she's angry and resentful about the decision she made? what has she been changing this past week, anything? Yes. I think she feels like she made the decision under duress. She still insists this is part of my grand plan to unload on her and point out all her faults. She also is still pissed I am talking to people besides her, yet won't tell me anything she discusses with her family. That's her right. It just seems like a double standard. This week nothing has changed. It is finals week for our two older kids, and she HAS done a ton of studying work with them. But it's been impossible to get her to come home before 8pm.
2sunny Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Yes. I think she feels like she made the decision under duress. She still insists this is part of my grand plan to unload on her and point out all her faults. She also is still pissed I am talking to people besides her, yet won't tell me anything she discusses with her family. That's her right. It just seems like a double standard. This week nothing has changed. It is finals week for our two older kids, and she HAS done a ton of studying work with them. But it's been impossible to get her to come home before 8pm. and how are you participating to change things?
Author NickFeek Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 and how are you participating to change things? I am following through on the therapy. I am making sure she knows we're disappointed when she comes home late, especially on important nights. I am making sure we spend more time together, talking or otherwise. I'm leaving a bit more for her to do with the kids. Really though, most of what needs to be changed is in her hands, and that's not something I can control or force.
2sunny Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I am following through on the therapy. I am making sure she knows we're disappointed when she comes home late, especially on important nights. I am making sure we spend more time together, talking or otherwise. I'm leaving a bit more for her to do with the kids. Really though, most of what needs to be changed is in her hands, and that's not something I can control or force. hmmmm, so you have put your happiness at the mercy of her and what she is or isn't doing? i'm confused... please clarify...
Author NickFeek Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 hmmmm, so you have put your happiness at the mercy of her and what she is or isn't doing? i'm confused... please clarify... I see it as working with her to repair the parts of our marriage that aren't working. If we are staying together and trying to work all this out, some of what I need to be happy is going to have to come from her. For example, if she continues to come home late despite her saying she won't, I will be unhappy with that. I will express it and do what I can do explain to her why I really need her to change that, but the change of that particular thing is in her hands, so logically then my satisfaction with that issue is also in her hands. Not really sure how much more I can do, or any other way to be "happy" about this without just up & leaving.
2sunny Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 ok, since you made a decision that this is enough for you then this is what we have to work with.
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